“Can I come in?” I asked, not bothering with a greeting. He stepped back and motioned me inside and I followed him into the living room.
“I haven’t had anything to drink if that’s what you’re looking for,” Jesse said coldly and I realized my eyes were darting carefully around the room.
“I wasn’t looking for anything.”
“Yes, you were,” he said and I knew then this was not going to be the happy reunion I’d anticipated.
“Can we please not do this?” I asked calmly, sitting on the couch. I was surprised when he sat next to me.
“I didn’t expect to see you tonight,” he said and I waited for the gentleness to return to his voice. It sounded so distant.
We sat in silence for a while and it started to get awkward. I’d come over for a reason so I decided I’d better start talking.
“I’m sorry about Saturday night.”
“Me too,” he sighed and I couldn’t tell if he was sincere or not.
“Jesse,” I said, turning to face him. “I can’t keep doing this,” I said and I heard him breathe in deeply and then exhale before he spoke.
“If you’re breaking up with me, Riley, just go ahead. Don’t drag it out.”
“I’m not breaking up with you,” I stammered. “Why would jump to that conclusion?”
“Because I’m an asshole,” he mumbled, standing up.
“No, you’re not,” I said as he paced the floor.
“When are you gonna see it?” he said, raising his voice. I was startled by the expression on his face. He looked as if he were about to explode.
“See what?”
“Dammit, Riley!” he shouted, slamming his fist into the wall so hard I was surprised he didn’t punch a hole in it. “I’m no good for you!”
I stood up, rushing to his side. His eyes were desperate as he looked down at me.
“Don’t say that!” I yelled back. “Don’t you dare say that! You have done more for me than anyone else ever has.”
“You have this delusion that I’m perfect. You don’t think I can be messed up, but I’m not perfect and I am messed up! I can’t get my shit together and I’m just dragging you down!” he shouted. He was right about my perception of him being perfect. I knew it wasn’t fair of me, but I looked at Jesse as this impenetrable source of strength, even though since his dad passed away, I’d seen he wasn’t. It was hard to see him hurting, especially when he insisted on pushing me away.
“Okay,” I said softly, taking his hand and turning him to me. “Just calm down. Let’s talk about this rationally. Don’t keep yelling. This isn’t like you.”
He pulled his hand away and walked out of the room. I heard his footsteps heading towards his room and I followed him. He’d flopped himself on the bed so he was staring up at the ceiling.
I sat down beside him and we were quiet until I finally heard him say, “I’m sorry for yelling and punching the wall.”
“Stop apologizing. Let’s agree on one thing right now. No more apologies, okay? You’ve done enough of that lately. We both know things are messed up right now and you’re probably going to do something else that you feel the need to apologize for, but I don’t want to hear it anymore, okay?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he said with a light laugh. “If I mess up, I’m gonna apologize, so don’t ask me not too.”
“Fine, whatever,” I said, smiling down at him before turning serious again. “I can’t keep going on like this though. I can’t have you pushing me away anymore. I need you, Jesse. I know you’re going through a lot right now, but that’s what I’m here for. And just think, we’ll be off at college soon and things will start to get better. I know they will.” I reached down and ran a hand through his thick hair. He closed his eyes as my fingers tickled his scalp and he reached up, gently pulling me down next to him. I curled up beside him and I felt his arm drape around me.
“Why do you put up with me?” he asked a moment later.
“Because I love you,” I replied and he kissed the top of my head. “I’m sorry I told you to leave the other night. I was just so frustrated with you.”
“You were right to tell me to leave. It wouldn’t have been good had I stayed. I should’ve just stayed home that night. We would’ve avoided all this.”
“What’s done is done, let’s not dwell on it, okay?”
“Okay,” he agreed and we laid in silence for a long time. It felt good just being together. I’d come over to get some sort of resolution to this push and pull game we were stuck in, but nothing had changed. He was still lost and I was still begging to help him. Something had to give soon. We just had to hang on for a little bit longer and then everything would start to be okay again.
It was a while before we said anything to each other. I rested on his chest and he played with my hair. I didn’t want to start anything, but I need to ask him about the music festival.
“Maybe we just need to get out of town for a day,” I finally said, my voice riddled with nerves and he looked at me curiously, obviously wondering about my random statement. “Remember when I told you Matt invited us to that music thing up in Wichita?”
“Yeah. What about it?’
“It’s this Sunday. Do you still wanna go?”
“Do you want to?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“I have to be honest,” he began with a sigh and I knew that was not a good sign. “I don’t want to go. I don’t think I’d be very good company, plus Matt and I haven’t exactly gotten off on the right foot.”
“Matt is fine with you and I think it’ll be fun. Matt gave me this CD of a band that’s gonna be there. It’s really good.”
“Just go without me, okay?”
“I’m not going without you.”
“Don’t let me ruin it for you.”
“You wouldn’t mind if I went? I could ask Mandy or someone to come with me.”
“That’s up to you, but if you’re implying I don’t trust you to go alone with Matt, then you’re wrong. I do trust you, even if I haven’t exactly been conveying that lately.”
“Well,” I said dejectedly. “If you change your mind, let me know. I’d really like you to come.”
“I’ll see,” he said, although I knew he wouldn’t change his mind.
“Okay,” I said, trying not to sound too disappointed and then I sat up, knowing our conversation was over. “I should probably get home. My mom’s expecting me for dinner. You wanna come?”
“I’m actually heading over to Glenn’s house tonight for dinner.”
“Really?” I asked, the surprise evident in my voice.
“I haven’t been to see him in a while and we have some things to talk about.”
“Is everything okay?”
“It will be,” he answered and then he walked me outside to my car.
“For what it’s worth,” he said softly. “I’m sorry for everything.”
He looked sad and regretful and I brushed his cheek with my hand, smiling up at him.
“Just remember I love you.” I got in the car and pulled away, watching his figure fade in the distance.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Sunday came, but Jesse didn’t change his mind. A small and delusional part of me thought he would, but he hadn’t and I found myself in the passenger seat of Matt’s pick up, heading up the turnpike. As the fields of wheat and sunflowers passed by, I wondered what Jesse was doing. I missed him and I hoped he was okay.
It felt a little weird going to the festival without Jesse. At the same time though, I felt a sense of relief as we left Carver behind for the day. The summer was definitely not panning out how I’d anticipated and I wanted to forget about all the stress back home for a few hours.
Matt and I made small talk during the drive, but we mostly listened to his iPod and I had to admit, he had good taste in music. I decided I was in for a good time if Matt approved of the acts we’d be seeing.
The concert was on the outskirts of Wichita, ju
st north of the city. We got there around sunset, shortly before the first act was to take the stage for the headliners.
“Who’s all gonna be here?” I asked when we got out of the truck. Matt went to the back, grabbed a blanket and started heading toward the stage. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece paper.
“The music’s been going on all day, but these are the headliners.” I opened the paper he’d given me and looked over the names.
“I don’t know any of these groups, except for the one from the CD you gave me, which,” I said enthusiastically, grabbing his arm for a moment. “I absolutely love.”
“I told you it was good.”
“I don’t think I’ve listened to anything else sense you gave it to me,” I said with a laugh. “It’s pretty much been the soundtrack of my life.”
“Then I’m pretty sure you’ll like the rest of the bands.”
“I’m just glad to be out and having some fun,” I said as we approached the crowd.
Matt and I found a spot on a hill where we had a good view of the stage. He spread the blanket out and I sat down, my legs kicked out before me as I leaned back. It was a warm night, but thankfully not too warm. Not anywhere like it’d been that day Jesse and I went swimming in Mrs. Kramer’s pond. I didn’t even realize I was smiling as I thought back on that day until Matt called me out on it.
“You look pretty content.”
“What’d you say?” I asked, looking over at him.
“You’re just sitting there with a grin on your face.”
“I am?”
“Yeah. Must be a good daydream,” he said and I couldn’t stop the light laugh from escaping.
“Just thinking back on better times. This summer hasn’t exactly gone as I’d hoped,” I said and I noticed Matt was looking at me intently. “Yeah, I had big plans. Well, maybe not big plans,” I said and tried to smile, even though I wasn’t feeling happy. “But I definitely didn’t expect it to end up like this.”
“Is spending the evening with me so terrible?”
“Of course not,” I said, giving him a reassuring smile. “I’m actually glad to be here tonight. It’s nice to get away for a little bit.”
“Everything okay?”
I shrugged my shoulders. Everything wasn’t okay, but everything hadn’t been okay for a while. Today wasn’t any different.
“I’m fine,” I said, but I knew by the way Matt looked at me, he didn’t believe me.
“Did you ever talk to Jesse after that night at the arcade?”
I nodded, but didn’t say anything.
“And how’d it go?”
“You’re really pushy, ya know that?” I grinned. “You’re gonna make a great therapist someday.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment,” he said and then raised an eyebrow. “Are things okay with you guys?”
“Yeah…we’re okay. We talked about things.”
“Why didn’t he come today?”
“He just had some stuff to do,” I told him, not wanting to tell him anything more.
“And he doesn’t mind you being here with me?”
“No,” I said, meeting Matt’s dark eyes with mine. “He told me to come. He didn’t want me to miss out just because he didn’t want to come.”
“That’s a big step. He seemed bothered we were playing air hockey together and yet he has no qualms about us spending an entire night together.”
“Can we just not talk about this right now? I’m here to enjoy some music and that’s it.”
“Fine by me,” he said. “I’m gonna get us something to drink.”
I watched as Matt disappeared towards a concession stand and I decided to text my mom to let her know we’d made it safely. When I pulled out my phone, I was surprised to see a text waiting from Jesse. I opened it quickly and smiled when I read it: HOPE UR HAVING FUN.
I hadn’t expected it and it made me wish he was here even more. I simply wrote back that I loved him and then wrote my mom quickly before putting the phone back in my purse. Matt returned a few minutes later and handed me a large cup of iced tea.
“I hope that’s okay. I didn’t even ask you what you wanted.”
“Tea’s great,” I said, taking a long sip.
Matt sat down beside me, stretching his legs out just as I was.
“Smile,” he said a moment later and I was surprised to see him holding his phone out in front of us. Then I heard a click and he started laughing.
“What are you doing?” I laughed, grabbing the phone from him.
“One thing you’ll learn about me is that I love to document things. I’m kind of a picture junkie.”
“Well, you are certainly not documenting tonight with a picture of me looking like this!” I exclaimed, staring down at the horrible photograph. My eyes were closed and my nose was crinkled as if I smelled something bad. I hit delete and he took the phone back.
“Let’s try again then. Ready?” he said, leaning in close so our faces were side by side. He held out the phone again and this time I smiled. “How’s this?” he asked, showing me the picture.
“Much better,” I said, staring down at it. I looked happy and so did Matt.
Just then, lights started flashing and the sound of a guitar ripped through the air. Everyone got to their feet and we stared down at the stage from our spot on the hill. I didn’t know the band, but their music wasn’t bad and I found myself tapping my foot and clapping along. Matt was doing the same and for a while I just escaped from my reality. A reality where the person I loved most in this world was hurting and keeping his distance. A reality where it seemed I had little control anymore. A reality where I had to wait for Jesse to heal. A reality where I ached for him.
It felt good to escape and when For King & Country took the stage, I was excited…until the first piano riff and the singer’s soulful voice came spilling out. My body stopped swaying and I just stood and watched. The lyrics washed over me and memories of the summer came flooding in. I didn’t even realize I was crying until I felt a tear streak down my cheek. All I could think about was Jesse and how much I loved him and how much I wanted him beside me. I stared down at the ground, trying to wipe my eyes before Matt noticed. I guess I wasn’t fast enough because when I felt his warm hand rest on my back, I looked up to see his dark eyes staring down at me in concern.
“Are you okay?” he asked gently, having to lean in close so I could hear him over the music.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just got some dust in my eye or something,” I said, wiping my eyes again.
“Liar,” he said, stooping down and picking up a napkin he’d brought back with him when he got our drinks. He turned me to face him and gently dabbed at my eyes. I turned my head away from him a moment later and stared down at the ground, embarrassed by my lack of self-control.
“Sorry about that,” I said as he came in closer to hear me. “I guess I had a bit of an emotional overload when I heard this song.”
“Don’t apologize, Riley.” I felt his hand under my chin, gently tilting my face up until our eyes met. His thumb stroked my cheek softly and the way he looked at me made my heartbeat quicken because I was afraid of what he was going to do next. “I don’t care what he’s going through. He’s a fool to push you away.”
He started leaning in closer and I knew what was coming.
“Matt,” I said softly just before our lips were to meet and he froze. “Don’t do this.” My voice was low and serious and he seemed to hang on my every word. “You’re lonely. You miss Taryn and I miss Jesse. I love Jesse and we need to stop now before we do something we can’t take back.”
Our lips remained hovering just inches away for a few moments before he began pulling back slowly, his fingers gliding off my cheek and he stepped back.
“So…um…yeah…wow…” he mumbled quietly as he ran a hand nervously through his hair and then I watched as he faded into the crowd. After Matt left, I turned back to the stage as my eyes brimmed with tears again. I sat
down on the blanket and just listened to the music as I tried not to think about Matt having nearly kissed me. I had nothing to feel guilty about. I hadn’t tried to kiss him and I hadn’t wanted him to kiss me. I shook my head realizing what a bad idea this was. I missed Jesse. I thought a night away from Carver would help me to forget for a little while when instead, it just made me remember everything more clearly.
It seemed like Matt was gone a while, but then I saw him walking up the hill as the set was ending. He sat down beside me, but I noticed this time, the gap between us was much bigger.
He didn’t say anything as the crowd cheered and clapped at the end of the performance. When the applause died, down and there was no music filling the air, he finally spoke.
“I’m sorry,” he said and I turned to see him looking at me. “I don’t know what the hell that was.”
“It’s okay,” I said, trying to reassure him.
“I want you to know this was never my intention.”
“Seriously, it’s okay. I don’t want to make this any more awkward than it already is.”
“I’m glad you stopped me.”
“Me too. I’m sorry if I was sending you mixed signals or something.”
He laughed lightly and then smiled over at me.
“You didn’t. Like you said, I just miss Taryn and it’s been fun hangin’ out. I guess I just checked out there for a moment. I’m sorry.”
“It’s really okay,” I said, pausing for a moment speaking again. “But, would you mind if we went back to Carver?”
He didn’t look surprised. I didn’t want to leave because of what had almost happened between Matt and me. I knew that was just a moment of confused emotion on his part. I just wanted to get back home and be with Jesse.
“Let’s get outta here. We saw who we really wanted to see anyway.”
Far From Home Page 17