“Get a good look,” I said as we drove past a large field of sunflowers. “I’m sure San Diego will look much different.”
“Yeah,” he mumbled.
“I hear they have great weather there and awesome beaches. I’ve always wanted to go to Sea World. Maybe we could do that when I come out for graduation,” I said, trying to make conversation, but he didn’t say anything. “Whaddya think?” I asked when he didn’t answer.
“About what?” he said, obviously distracted.
“Going to Sea World when I come out for your graduation.”
“Oh. I don’t know. I’ll probably be really busy,” he said and then was quiet again. I didn’t push him any further. I was having a difficult time with this, but I could only imagine what Jesse was feeling. Yes, he’d been the one who’d chosen to leave, but at least I’d still have my family and friends when he was gone. Jesse, however, was leaving into the total unknown. It must have been terrifying for him.
That sick feeling I’d been battling since the moment Jesse told me he was leaving returned ten-fold when I saw signs for Mid-Continent Airport. I exited off the highway and pulled into the short term parking. Jesse got his bag and grabbed my hand, holding it tighter and with more resolve than I could ever recall.
We walked inside the airport and Jesse stopped and looked around.
“Where are you supposed to meet the others?” I asked.
“Over by the gift shop,” he said and I knew exactly where he meant because there was only one gift shop in Wichita’s airport.
We walked silently towards it and I instantly saw the group of guys he was meeting. The six of them were hard to miss as they all stood there, looking nervous and unsure. There was a man with them wearing a uniform and I figured he was in charge. Jesse looked over to the man and then back to me. When our eyes met, I could no longer fight the tears. His face became blurry and when I blinked, they spilled down my cheeks. I hiccupped as I tried to control the emotions bubbling up inside of me.
“Please don’t cry, Riley,” Jesse said as he pulled me to him, kissing me on the forehead, but when I looked at him, his eyes were moist too.
“I’m trying not to,” I said softly. “I’m not doing a very good job though, am I?”
We both tried to laugh, but couldn’t.
“I love you, Riley,” he said, holding both of my arms as he stared hard into my eyes.
“I love you too,” I answered, but he looked at me more assertively.
“Don’t forget how incredible you are. You’re going to have an amazing life,” he continued and a tear finally fell from his eye as he quickly brushed it away. “Take care of yourself and remember how special you are. You’re gonna be alright.”
“Thirteen weeks isn’t that long,” I said, almost in a whisper since my voice didn’t appear capable of anything more than that at the moment.
He pulled me to him and I sobbed into his chest. His hands stroked my hair and I refused to believe this was the last time I’d feel his arms around me for three months. I held on tightly and never wanted to let go.
When Jesse finally released his hold on me, my arms fell limply to their sides and I knew it was time.
“I need to get going,” he said, gently stroking my damp cheek.
“I love you,” was all I could say. He smiled sweetly and kissed me once more as I savored every taste and touch of his lips against mine because when he pulled away it would seem like a lifetime before I’d feel it again. He brushed a piece of hair behind my ear as our eyes locked and my heart started to pound in my chest knowing that in a moment he’d be gone.
“I love you, Riley.” His warm voice washed over me and when he turned and walked away, I’d never felt such sadness in all my life. I could only watch for a moment, memorizing the way he moved and the outline of his body, before it became too much. I turned and walked quickly out of the airport, forcing myself not to look back. I couldn’t look back.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
My tears carried me home as my eyes kept glancing at the passenger seat. Since being with Jesse, I’d rarely ridden in the car alone. We were always together and looking at the vacant seat beside me made me feel so empty.
I’d finally stopped crying by the time I’d reached the Carver city limits. Instead of going straight home, I found myself in the Braum’s parking lot. They made the best chocolate shakes and I was in need of some serious comfort. I practically inhaled it on the drive back to my house, needing to drown my sorrows in chocolate.
My mom was still at work when I got home, but my grandma was home and she looked at me with sad eyes when I walked in. She didn’t say anything as she met me in the kitchen, taking me into her short, thick frame.
“How’re ya doin’, sweetie?” she asked a moment later when she’d let me go. I put a smile on my face, realizing it would do no good to cry anymore. If I was going to make it through the next thirteen weeks, I had to stay positive, even if the thought seemed impossible at the moment.
“I’m okay, Grandma. I stopped by Braum’s for a little chocolate therapy,” I said, holding up the nearly empty styrofoam cup.
“Chocolate makes everything better,” she laughed.
“I have a feeling it’s going to be my new best friend. Jesse won’t even recognize me in three months when I’ve gained fifty pounds.”
She patted my face and smiled at me again.
“Be proud of him. He’s been through so much,” she said gently and I nodded because she was right. “Do you want to play some dominoes to keep your mind off of it?”
“Thanks, Grandma. Maybe later though. I think I’m gonna head up to my room. I just need to be alone for a bit.”
“I understand, honey. I’m here if you need me though.”
“You always are,” I said, hugging her and then slowly climbed the stairs until I reached my bedroom door.
I pushed it open hesitantly and was greeted by the bright ultramarine walls. Every time I looked at those walls, I thought of Jesse and the time we spent painting it together. It seemed like so long ago now.
I stepped inside, shutting the door behind me and plopped myself on the bed. I reached for my iPod, cued up my For King & Country playlist and stared at the ceiling as I listened to the lyrics, trying not to cry anymore, even though the lyrics seemed so fitting to our situation: Our last memory, she had water in her eyes, she cried stay with me, how can this be love if you’re leaving me, but darlin’, love’s to blame. Thoughts of the summer began to whirl through my mind like a bad movie. I wanted to forget all of it. I wanted to go back to the way things were. Hanging around the fire at Jesse’s house with our friends…tearing down the trails in the mule…lying in the grove of trees wrapped in his arms, as close as two people could be. It would never be that way again. Our lives had changed so much and I ached for how it had been and how we’d planned it be.
I laid there for a few more minutes before I realized I couldn’t wallow in my sadness, listening to music that only made me want to cry. I sat up, turned off my iPod and went downstairs where my grandmother was doing a crossword puzzle at the table.
“Is that offer to play dominoes still good?” I asked and she smiled at me, patting the seat beside her.
****
We were on our third game, and I had to admit, it was helping to keep my mind occupied, when a knock on the door interrupted us. My grandmother and I both looked at each other, curious as to who it could be.
“I’ll get it,” I said, standing up.
The door was open and I was surprised to see Matt standing in front of the screen.
“Matt…what are you doing here?” I asked, pushing the door open for him to step inside.
“I have something for you,” he said and I instantly noticed the nerves in his voice.
“What is it?” I asked and he held up an envelope. “What is that?”
“A letter…from Jesse.”
“What?” I asked, my face twisting up in confusion and anticipation.
/>
“He came by the shop early this morning. All he said was, thanks for making her laugh. Then he handed me this and asked me to bring it by this afternoon after you got back from Wichita.”
I grabbed it from him and stared down at my name on the front, scrawled in his familiar handwriting. I walked over to the couch and sat down. Matt followed and sat on the opposite end. I stared down at the envelope and my heart started to pound as I ripped it open and began to read:
Dear Riley,
Let me start by telling you how much I love you. I never thought I would love someone as much as I love you. You are the best friend I’ve ever had and I will miss you more than you could possibly know.
I’ll never forget when I first saw you sitting in Mr. Barry’s class, looking bothered and annoyed, but you were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. I think you already know this, but I fell in love with you that day. The time we’ve spent together have been the best of my life, even if it’s been hell lately.
I had to leave Carver because I can't be the one that drags you down with me as I try and find my way. I love you too much to do that and while you may not see it now, you’ll realize it’s for the best. You deserve to be young and happy. You deserve to have a normal college experience. You don't need a boyfriend half a world away dampening your life. You need to laugh and have fun. If this summer has taught me one thing, it’s that you deserve someone better than me. You deserve someone who can offer you more than I can. I could have been that someone, but since my dad died, I've been broken. You’re too good for me.
I realized this that day I walked in on you and Matt in the flower shop. You were so beautiful and happy and you didn't even realize I was watching you. You were smiling and laughing and I realized I couldn't remember the last time we'd laughed like that together. You deserve to laugh and be happy. You deserve someone who can give that to you.
I’m sorry for saying goodbye this way, for taking the coward’s way out, but I couldn’t stand to see the look on your face as I tried to explain and I needed the opportunity to say this without interruption. I never hurt so much as when you're hurt and I’m sorry that I’m hurting you, even though I promised I never would. So, it turns out, not only am I coward, but a liar as well. I guess it’s just more proof that I’m not good enough for you.
I will never forget our time together and all the memories that I will take with me wherever I go. Please live your life and be happy. That’s all I want for you because you deserve everything you want in life. Thank you for loving me and letting me love you. I hope one day you can forgive me for doing this to you, because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.
-Jesse
I think I was holding my breath the entire time I read his words and now that there were no more, I breathed out and the ink started to blur as my tears hit the paper. My chest started to ache and I dropped the letter to the floor, burying my head in my hands.
“What’d it say?” Matt asked gently.
“He’s really gone,” I whispered. “And he’s not coming home.”
Epilogue
6 months later
As I walked towards my dorm room along the tree lined path, bare from the winter, I stopped for a moment, looking around, taking it all in. Even after six months, I still couldn’t believe I was here and he was not. I missed him and there was rarely a moment that went by that I didn’t wonder what he was doing and if he was okay. I kept the letter folded up in my wallet and I sometimes took it out, just so I could see his handwriting and hear his words in my mind. I would’ve given anything to hear his voice for real, but I’d finally come to accept that would probably never happen again.
There were days I was angry and days I wasn’t. Those days were filled with sadness and doubt. Other days I forced myself not to think of him at all. I still had a life to live and I had to find a way to do that without him. It was hard though because he was supposed to be a part of my life. That had been the plan for so long, but he’d changed those plans. I tried understanding why he did what he did. I hoped someday I really would understand and maybe even forgive him. It hurt to think of him being so far from home, but wherever he was and whatever he was doing, he was doing what he thought he needed to.
Sometimes I would close my eyes and remember the way it used to be. He was like a ghost, haunting me because the memories of him were so vivid. Other times those memories felt like a dream and I had to wonder if he’d even been real, but I knew he wasn’t a dream. He’d been more real than anything else in my life. That was obvious by the void he left behind. The memories of his touch were still seared on my body. I hoped those feelings would someday go away, because if they didn’t, I’d never get over him.
When I moved to Kansas, I never could’ve imagined how much my life would change. As I looked around my K-State home, I wondered, “Would I change any of it”? I shook my head. Probably not. There had been good times and better times, amazing times and incredible times, but there had also been bad times and very bad times. I’d felt love and devotion, but also betrayal and sadness. Through it all though, I’d survived and as I continued to walk, I knew this time wouldn’t be any different.
We all have visions of our lives and how they should turn out. We think our dreams should come true, but the sad reality is that life changes. Sometimes you see it coming and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes change slaps you so hard in the face, you don’t think you’ll survive, but you can survive and you will. Sometimes the people we want at our sides end up not being there and all we have are the memories that have transformed us into the people we eventually become, whether we want it that way or not. I had to repeatedly tell myself that as a reminder that it would be all right. If I’d learned anything from my time with Jesse and all we’d been through, it was that everything would eventually work out.
When I got back to my dorm, Holly was waiting for me out front. I told myself I would be okay. I had to keep telling myself that, because in reality, despite my tough words, it wasn’t easy to truly believe it. That chapter in my life was over and a new one was beginning. It was time to let go, which was going to be the hardest part because I’d always remember everything we’d gone through. I knew I’d always love him and I hoped a part of him would always love me too.
“You ready for lunch?” Holly asked when I walked up beside her and I nodded as my eyes suddenly focused on the trashcan a few feet away.
“Yeah. Just gimme a sec, okay?” I said, walking over to the trashcan. Reaching into my bag, I took out my wallet and pulled out the folded, worn letter. As I opened it, I glanced down at the familiar blue script. I took a deep breath and with an ache in my throat I could only bring myself to read Dear Riley before crumpling it up and tossing it into the garbage.
“Everything okay?” Holly asked when I turned back around, meeting her eyes.
I nodded, cleared my throat and said, “I just needed to get rid of something that’s been weighing me down.”
She looked at me curiously, but didn’t pry.
“Let’s go then. I’m starving,” she said.
As I got in step beside my friend, I looked forward to the life I had ahead, letting go of the life he had left behind.
©2014
Read the conclusion of Riley and Jesse’s story in Carry Me Home, the third and final book in The Home Series, coming soon.
A Note From the Author
Thank you for reading Far From Home. If you liked it, fantastic! If not, thanks for reading anyway. When I first wrote Last Train Home, it was supposed to be a standalone novel. However, after receiving numerous requests for a sequel, I decided to run with it and turned it into a three book series I’ve entitled The Home Series. The conclusion of Riley and Jesse’s story, Carry Me Home, will be out soon. I’m hard at work on it and trying to come up with the perfect ending to Riley’s journey.
When I write, music plays a huge role for me. Each story has its own soundtrack. I’ve included a list of the songs that inspi
red Far From Home in case you’re interested in checking them out.
If you enjoyed Far From Home, check out the first book in the series: Last Train Home, along with my two other novels, After the Sky Fell Down and Here With Me, both available on Amazon.
As always, thank you to the readers who make me want to take a step back from my real life and create stories that people enjoy. If you’re so inclined, please write a quick review on Amazon or Goodreads to help entice other readers to check out the book. I can be reached at [email protected].
With sincere thanks,
Megan
Far From Home “Playlist”
Hope is What We Crave-For King & Country
Missing-For King & Country
Love’s to Blame-For King &Country
Busted Heart-For King & Country
Sane-For King & Country
Light it Up-For King & Country
Shine Out-Colour of London
All I Need-Within Temptation
My Life With You-Ryan Star
Just Another Girl-The Killers
The Way it Was-The Killers
These Times-SafetySuit
Disengage-Sleeperstar
Somewhere Only We Know-Keane
Time of Our Lives-Tyrone Wells
Run-Snow Patrol
Run to the Water-Live
Demons-Imagine Dragons
Bleeding Out-Imagine Dragons
Story of My Life-The George Twins
Unconditionally-The George Twins
Will Not Back Down-Alex Band
King of Anything-Alex Band
Take Me Back-Alex Band
Only One-Alex Band
Remain-Royal Tailor
Table of Contents
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Far From Home Page 25