“Because you’d try and stop me. And because you wouldn’t understand.”
“Of course I’d try and stop you!” I exclaimed. “I love you, Jesse and now you’re just leaving and God knows when I’ll see you again. You can’t just leave like this.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry? That’s all you can say to me? How could you do this without even telling me? When did this happen?”
“I’d been talking to Brandon about it a lot before he left and then I started talking to Glenn about it. He thought it would be a good idea to look into it, so he and I went to see a recruiter while you were in Boston, before my mom showed up.”
“You did this while I was in Boston? You really were sneaking around behind my back,” I said angrily, wiping a tear from my eye.
“I was just looking into it. I hadn’t made up my mind.”
“When did you make up your mind?” I demanded and he sighed heavily before answering.
“After my mom left,” he said softly. “I knew once she was gone, it was the best thing to do.”
I wanted to scream, but I sat there as calmly as I could, while silently wanting to hunt down Marlene and punch her in the face for destroying Jesse’s life again.
“This is not the best thing to do, Jesse…not at all,” I cried.
“It’s not gonna be easy, but I need to do this. I am doing this.”
“So, it’s done? You can’t change your mind?” I asked hopefully and he shook his head.
“I signed the papers a couple of days ago and I leave next Wednesday for boot camp in San Diego.”
“San Diego?” My voice was barely above a whisper as I had a hard time getting it past the lump in my throat. “For how long?”
“Thirteen weeks,” he said softly and I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. Three months. It might as well be three years. I held my stomach, afraid I might be sick.
“And then where will you go?” I managed to get out.
“I’m not sure,” he answered, his voice low and somber.
We sat in silence for a while and the quiet became almost deafening. I was so angry at him, but I didn’t know what to say.
“What the hell were you thinking, Jesse?” I suddenly shouted out, standing up and walking back and forth while I ran a hand nervously through my hair.
“I was thinking this is for the best,” he eventually said and I stopped in my tracks to face him, but when I turned to him, he couldn’t look at me. “I’m not good enough for you, Riley.”
“Don’t say that,” I said quickly.
“It’s true. You don’t need me holding you back anymore.”
“Stop being stupid,” I said, swooping down so I was kneeling before him. I took his face in my hands and kissed him softly at first and then more eagerly as I tried showing him just how much I needed him. His lips moved over mine just as hungrily and I knew he needed me as much I needed him. “If you need to do this, we’ll make it work,” I whispered, as our lips hovered just inches from each other. “I love you, Jesse. I need you.”
He rested his forehead against mine and when our eyes met, I saw his were moist, just as mine were.
“I need to do this, Riley and I need you to understand that. It was nothing you did. It’s just what I need to do. I just can’t be here right now. I need to find out who I really am and what I can do. I should’ve talked to you about it, but we both know, when it comes to you, I have a hard time thinking straight.” His sorrowful face cracked a little smile and I leaned in, brushing his lips with mine gently.
Inside, I was furious, but I also ached at the despair on his face. He needed more than I could give right now.
“When my dad died, my life was turned upside down. I had to deal with stuff I never thought I’d have to and I realized how not ready I was for it. And then when my mom came back and left, that was it. I realized I had no control over my life anymore and no one to guide me. I need to be in control of my life. I need to figure this out on my own because when it comes down to it, I’ve only got myself.”
The sadness in his voice was killing me. It killed me even more that he felt so alone.
“You’ve got me,” I said gently and he took my hands.
“I know I do,” he began and I heard the hesitation in his voice. “But we can’t delude ourselves into thinking we’d be together forever living happily ever after. We don’t know the future, Riley.”
I sat frozen for a moment as his words sunk in. I knew he was right, but that didn’t mean the words didn’t hurt.
“What does this mean for us then?” I asked anxiously and my heart pounded as I waited for his reply.
“I love you, Riley. We’ll figure it out.”
“I’ll write to you every day,” I said, staring into his eyes. “I’ll fly out for your graduation. This could work,” I said and I felt a little smile on the corners of my mouth. “It could be an adventure and they do say distance makes the heart grow fonder, although I don’t know how much fonder I could become of you.”
He brushed a piece of hair behind my ear as his eyes searched over my face, as if he were trying to imprint the image in his mind. Then he pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around me. He held me tightly as I melted into him, wishing I could freeze this moment and he’d never let me go.
Chapter Thirty-Five
It was weird after that and we only had five days left together before he was gone. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact he was leaving. We were supposed to be gearing up for college, not saying good bye. I tried to understand why he needed to do it. I wanted to be supportive, but every time I thought about being apart from him, my stomach was in knots and I wanted to cry.
My mom had been shocked when I told her, but after we talked, she seemed to understand. She seemed proud of him too, not just for serving our country, but for taking responsibility of his own life. Even though she would never tell me this, I think she was glad in a way that I’d be going off to college without Jesse. She loved Jesse, but I always knew she didn’t want me tied to one person so young. She’d be disappointed when she realized it didn’t matter that Jesse wasn’t at K-State with me physically, because he’d be in my heart and I’d wait for him.
Our friends were shocked too. Holly actually seemed pissed off that Jesse had kept it from us. I tried showing them I was okay with it, when in actuality, I wasn’t. Each morning I woke up, my heart broke a little more knowing it was one day closer to Jesse’s departure. He wasn’t working anymore. Instead, he spent his days getting ready to leave. I’d help him after work, and I couldn’t ignore the tension between us as Jesse tidied the house and packed what little he could take with him. He seemed content with his decision, but I knew he was faltering when we loaded Rocky and Jasper up in the back of the Wagoneer and drove them over to Glenn’s house. Glenn had a big yard and a dog of his own. Rocky and Jasper would be happy there, but I saw Jesse biting back the tears as he said goodbye to his dogs. We didn’t say anything on the drive home, but I held his hand as he stared ahead at the road.
As much as I prayed the days would pass slowly, I couldn’t stop time and the last day came. I’d arranged to take the day off work so I could spend it with Jesse. When I told Jill, she was very supportive. Matt, on the other hand, didn’t say much. I could tell he felt badly for me, but I didn’t talk to him about how I was feeling, even though this was the one time I probably should’ve opened up.
When I woke up that morning, my stomach was a wreck. I did everything to hold back the tears as I stood in the shower. I didn’t want to cry today. I’d do enough crying when we said goodbye that I didn’t want to waste any tears before he was gone.
Once out of the shower, I got dressed, deciding on a pair of cut-offs and a fitted black v-neck t-shirt. I put on my make-up, ran the flat iron over my hair, slid on my flip flops and walked downstairs. My mom and grandma were eating breakfast and I noticed they both looked at me with pathetic eyes when I sat down at table. I really di
dn’t want their pity, but it was nice to know they cared.
“What do you and Jesse have planned today?” my grandma asked.
“Nothing really. We’re just gonna hang out, I guess.”
“Be positive, Riley,” she said with a smile. “The time will fly by and just wait until you see him in that uniform. Jesse’s goin’ to look mighty sharp.”
I smiled gratefully at my grandmother, thankful for her attempt to make me feel better.
“I think you’re right, Grandma,” I told her, not bothering to tell her I didn’t care how good he looked in his uniform. I’d rather have him with me.
“Just enjoy today,” my mom encouraged and I nodded, standing up before the tears I felt brewing in the back of my eyes could find their way to the surface.
“I’m gonna head out then. I have my phone if you need me,” I said and they smiled at me again.
“Love you, Ry,” my mom said and I just nodded before heading out to my car.
I drove to Jesse’s in a daze and when I got there, he was outside straightening things up in the yard. He looked good in loose, faded jeans and a white t-shirt that hugged his body in all the right places. He had on the Red Sox hat I’d brought him back from Boston and I grinned to myself knowing he’d only worn it to appease me on our last day together.
He looked up when he heard my car roll up the gravelly driveway. He smiled at me like this was just another ordinary day, when it was the furthest thing from ordinary. I parked the car and took a deep breath before getting out. I started walking towards him and he stopped what he was doing to meet me half way. We were just inches from each other and my heart started racing as I met his gray eyes with mine.
“Good mornin’, beautiful,” he said, his voice washing over me and I suddenly started sobbing as I truly realized there would only be one more morning left together for a very long time. I felt his arms around me a moment later, and he held me until I thought I had no more tears to spill.
****
I was glad I got the cry out first thing. It cleared the air and we were able to enjoy the rest of the day together. We didn’t do much. Neither of us wanted to make a big deal about it. We just wanted to be together. We did, however, meet Laura, Holly and Mandy for lunch at A&W. It was a bittersweet lunch and Mandy, of course, bawled like a baby as we were saying goodbye, which in turn made everyone else cry. Even Jesse got teary eyed and as we drove away, leaving our friends in the parking lot, the heaviness of just how much everything was changing hit me. Tomorrow at this time, Jesse would be gone and I’d be alone in Carver, when he was the one of the main reasons I’d come back. I couldn’t dwell on it though. Jesse wasn’t doing this to hurt me. It was what he needed and I needed him to be happy.
Jesse said his uncle would be watching over the house until he decided what to do with it and he wanted to leave it in good shape, so I helped him put the finishing touches on it the rest of the afternoon, while music blared from the stereo. We hadn’t talked much and I’d be lying if there didn’t already seem to be some distance between us. We both seemed to just go through the motions, but then a song came on and the lyrics caught my attention. I stopped and just listened and my heart started to ache as Keith Urban sang. Try the whole world on if you feel the need, then come back to me and I bit back the tears at how poignant the lyrics were. A moment later, I felt Jesse behind me and I held my breath for a moment. I was all too aware of his presence and I tried to push the pain away before he spun me around to face him. He stared down at me, smiling tenderly before sliding one arm around my waist and taking my hand in his free one as we began to sway to the music. I rested my head against his chest and he held me tightly. I closed my eyes and imagined it always being like this. I pretended he wasn’t leaving in the morning and I could stay in his arms forever.
“Do you remember when we first danced together?” he asked softly.
“I do,” I said, smiling back fondly at the memory. It had been at Homecoming, when I’d been Alex’s date. The night my life had changed. Jesse had asked me to dance while both our dates were away and looking back on it now, it had been the best part of the night.
“I was so nervous to ask you,” he continued.
“I’m glad you did though. I didn’t realize it then, but I was in love with you that night,” I whispered.
“And it was killing me that it wasn’t me you were with.”
“You know me, Jesse. I couldn’t make anything easy for you,” I laughed lightly, still resting against his chest as we danced. “You flew halfway across the country for me after all.”
“I’d do it again too. I don’t know what I would’ve done if we hadn’t had these past eight months together. Being with you is the first time I’ve ever been happy in my life. I love you.”
My eyes grew warm and I wanted to beg him not to go then. If I made him so happy, why was he leaving? I didn’t say anything though. There was no reason to ruin this moment with a futile request.
“And thank you for loving me. I don’t think I ever even loved myself until I met you,” I said softly and he stopped swaying. He stepped back, nudging my chin up with his finger until our eyes met. Tears were in his eyes as he leaned in to kiss me, slowly at first, our mouths dancing over each other’s delicately until I felt him cup my face with his hands and he kissed me eagerly as if he couldn’t get enough of me. It didn’t take my body long to respond and I was kissing him just as fiercely. I felt his warm hands crawl under my shirt until he was clutching my waist and edging me towards the hallway to his room. We couldn’t get there fast enough and I wanted to release our hold on each other so we could run. We finally made it though and when Jesse shut the door behind us, I could see he was breathing heavily and staring at me in a way that showed me he wanted me as much as I wanted him. He walked over to me deliberately, stripping off his shirt as he did so, dropping it on the ground, until he stood before me, bare chested in just his low hanging jeans. He paused for a moment, his eyes darting over my face, before he leaned in, kissing me tenderly, the intense hunger from only a few moments before, gone, and I savored the way each kiss seemed meant to last a thousand years.
“We don’t have to do this,” he said softly. “I don’t want to do this and then leave you in the morning. I said I’d never hurt you the way he did.”
I didn’t think I’d be able to speak, but a moment later, I could.
“What we have shared means everything to me, Jesse. I need this from you right now or else I don’t think I’ll be able to make it when you leave.”
“Please remember I love you,” he said, his voice cracking as he looked into my eyes. I smiled, knowing I’d never forget how he loved me.
“I’ll remember,” I replied, kissing him softly as I fell into his embrace.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Jesse’s flight was at one o’clock the next afternoon. He was meeting another group of recruits at the airport, so we had to leave around ten to make it to Wichita on time. I thought I was ready. I thought I’d prepared myself the night before. I’d stayed late at his house and we’d just laid there together as I tried to burn the feeling of him next to me in my mind, hoping it would last until he could hold me again. But, when I woke up the next morning, I knew I wasn’t ready and I was hardly prepared to say goodbye to Jesse.
My mom was already at work and my grandma was on her walk when I left to pick him up. I was glad they weren’t home. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone about how I was feeling. I’d considered asking my friends to come with us, but Jesse said he didn’t want any big send off and would rather if it just be him and I. In a way, I was grateful. While I knew the drive back to Carver would be the loneliest forty-five minutes of my life, I also knew I probably wouldn’t be in the best of shape and didn’t want an audience for my teary drive home.
When I pulled up, he was already outside and I couldn’t help but think how normal everything seemed. He looked the same as he always did: jeans and a t-shirt and the Red Sox hat on his
head. He had a small duffle bag beside him as he sat on the stoop in front of the door and he was holding onto something in his right hand, but I couldn’t tell what it was.
He stood up when he saw my car pull in. I put it in park and got out. We walked towards each other, and I didn’t know if we did it on purpose, but we moved slowly, almost as if that would keep the clock from ticking ahead.
“Are you all set?” I asked him when we finally reached each other. He nodded as he turned and looked back at the house.
“It’s weird not knowing when I’ll see this place again,” he said and I wondered if he felt that way about me too.
“Yeah,” I agreed quietly. “It’ll be strange not coming over here anymore.”
He didn’t say anything, but turned back to me and I found myself staring at the blue item in his hand.
“What do you have there?” I asked, gesturing towards it.
“Well,” he began, lifting it towards me and I realized it was his Royals hat. “I thought I’d take my Red Sox cap with me, so it appears I have an extra hat.” He placed it on my head and met my eyes with his. “Royal blue looks good on you.” I just nodded, trying not to cry. I really didn’t want to make this more impossible than it had to be.
“I’ll make sure to take good care of it for you and return it to you at graduation.”
“Nah. It’s yours,” he said with a grin before slowly leaning in and kissing me sweetly. When he pulled back, I had to bite my lip to keep the tears back.
“We should get going. We don’t want you to be late,” I managed to say.
He nodded and followed me to the car. He threw his bag in the back seat and then climbed into the passenger seat beside me. I didn’t say anything as I pulled out on the road, glancing back in the rearview mirror at the blue house that had become my second home. I noticed Jesse didn’t look back though.
We were quiet as we drove up the turnpike and he held my hand as he stared out the window.
Far From Home Page 24