Front Row

by Rebekah N Bryan

  Shelly lifted her to-go bag off the counter and started toward the door. "Sounds like fun. Maybe we'll see you there." Playing it cool. Nice job, girly.

  That night, we stood in the back for the show. I let my mind wander as I cooled my shoulder blades against the black-painted cinder block. I kept wondering if the guys would be joining their crew at Milo's that night. We all had speculated whether they would, but Alex had made the valid point that it doesn't really matter. Becoming friends with someone in their entourage could not be a bad move. It would only be beneficial in the future.

  After the show ended, instead of hurrying to our car or the bus, we wandered into the bathroom to primp. Whether we were seeing the guys themselves or just their crew, we wanted to look good. I ripped off a few squares of toilet paper and blotted my shiny face.

  Before we could finish our primping session to our satisfaction, an employee came in to shoo us out of the venue. We packed our makeup back into our purses and headed out into the night. "It's as good as it's gonna get," I said to my reflection as I tucked one side of my hair behind my ear.

  We realized when we got to the car that we didn't know where Milo's was. I volunteered to run back inside to get directions and learned that it was only down the road about a half mile. I took the driver's seat and found a place to parallel park a block down from the bar. Sighing, I placed my hands on the steering wheel to add to the dramatic effect. "OK, remember not to look disappointed if the guys aren't in there." The pep talk was mostly for me, but I felt it was worth saying aloud as well.

  As it turned out, disappointment was not an emotion any of us would need to experience that night. The first thing I saw when I walked in was Randy and Gabe leaned over the bar sitting in bar stools next to each other. Jacob was nowhere to be seen. I prayed that we wouldn't get carded. The Towners were all in their twenties and had nothing to worry about even if they weren't famous rock stars.

  Alex spotted our roadie friend right away and gravitated toward him so that it was obvious that we belonged there and weren't just the five crazy stalkers that we actually were. He sat at a high table behind Randy and Gabe with a few other crew guys. "Hey, you girls came!" His slurred speech made it obvious that he had downed a few beers already.

  With the exclamation from their crew member, Randy peered over his shoulder at us. "Hey, are you the girls from the hotel in Cleveland?" Considering that was four shows ago, this guy had a great memory.

  "Well, we're from here, but we were in Cleveland," I forgot how much this man intimidated me until his eyes bore into mine as I spoke. I clammed up, averted my eyes, and felt my face heat up.

  Gabe listened with disinterest. He tapped his fingers on his beer glass, which was almost empty.

  I sidled up next to him. "Looks like you need a refill. Can I buy your next drink?"

  "I thought the guy was supposed to buy the girl a drink."

  "I'd be OK with that, too." My face burned even hotter.

  I caught him glancing at my chest. "What would you like?"

  I racked my brain and came up with the only alcoholic drink I had ever had. "Blue UV vodka and lemonade."

  "How about you guys?" Randy asked my friends. "We'll get this round."

  The other girls ordered the same way I did, and feeling a little bold, I sat facing away from the bar on the stool next to Gabe while the girls stood in a semicircle around Randy.

  "That was a great show tonight." I had to pretend I had been paying enough attention during the show to distinguish it from the other shows I had been to that tour.

  "Yeah? I think it was one of our rougher ones. We had mic problems, then I broke a guitar string. It seemed like everything was going wrong tonight."

  "Hence the beer?"

  He smirked.

  The bartender handed me my drink, and I thanked him. "So you guys are headed to Chicago next?" I knew the answer and would be at the show but asked anyway.

  "Yep. Chicago's always nice." He flicked his fingers at my pint glass of blue-colored liquid, and the glass clinked. "Are you old enough to drink that?"

  I pursed my lips and looked guilty. "Sure. Close enough." I didn't want him to think I was that young.

  At that moment, our roadie friend leaned between us, holding a couple 20 dollar bills in his hand. "Shots! Shots all around. Tequila!"

  I gulped. I had never had tequila before, let alone a shot of anything, but if it would loosen both myself and Gabe up a little, I would agree to just about anything right now. The bartender set a shot glass of clear liquid in front of me with a salt shaker and a lemon and then he continued to serve the rest of the group. I touched Gabe's forearm to get his attention and resisted the urge to let my fingertips rest there for more than a moment. "How does this work?"

  "Wow, you are young." He put his head close to mine, and my heart rate quickened. "OK, so you lick your hand like this. Then you put the salt on your hand. Then take the shot, lick the salt off your hand, and bite the lemon."

  "OK…why? What do the salt and the lemon do?" I asked both because I wanted to keep him talking and because I was curious.

  "It makes the tequila less harsh, I guess. I don't know."

  I did as he suggested and licked my hand, letting my tongue linger a second. Couldn't hurt. Then I snatched the salt he was holding and shook it onto the moist spot on the side of my hand. I grabbed the shot glass from the bar, sloshing a little tequila on my jean Capri pants as I went.

  "Cheers to Milwaukee, beer, and Cheeseheads!" said the roadie.

  I moved my shot glass toward Gabe's, but he had started to bring it toward his mouth, which resulted in my sloshing more of the tequila out of the glass. Embarrassed but thankful that nobody seemed to notice, I took the shot. The fiery, acidic liquid trickled down my throat and into my stomach, and I couldn't help making a face. I licked the salt and sucked the lemon, which I was surprised to find did give me a little relief from the burning sensation.

  Near the end of my Blue UV and lemonade and near the end of Gabe's second beer, we loosened up, which in turn made the volume of our voices go up. I felt a little hazy overall, and my lips tingled as they went numb. I couldn't quite focus on anything, but I tried to open my eyes wider and force myself to focus on Gabe. The cuffs of his white dress shirt were rolled up to his elbows, baring his smooth arms. The muscles tensed and released as he wiped the water condensation and rotated his glass on the bar. I bit my lip.

  "I don't know, man, I just feel like we could be better, you know?" Gabe ranted like he was talking to one of his bandmates rather than one of his fans. Why was he calling me man? "We just have stop after stop on this tour, and sometimes I just wonder, what does it all mean? Is this what I want to be doing with my life? Shouldn't I be making more music and perfecting my craft? I want to be done with the screaming fans thing for awhile." He wiped his fingers on a cocktail napkin and brought the heel of his hand to his forehead while I admired his chiseled cheekbones.

  I somehow avoided the temptation of telling him how sexy he was in his perplexed state. Instead, I tried to philosophize right back at him. "Dude, you just have to do what you love. Do I want you to stop touring? No, of course not. I want you to tour forever. But ultimately, we fans just want you to be happy." He shook his head. "No, seriously. We care about you guys. If your heart's not in it, don't do it." I really hoped I wasn't contributing to the demise of the band in that moment.

  "I love what I do. I just sometimes wonder if it's good enough. It feels frivolous sometimes. I want it to mean something."

  "Do you even realize what you do for your fans? People have probably told you this before, but has it sunk in? You, Randy, and Jacob make us feel accepted. You make us feel like someone gets us. Your music brings people together and gives us relief from whatever pain we may be feeling. You're a drug to us in the best possible way. It's great that you want to make a difference in this world, and you should continue to feel that way. It'll only make you better. But just know that right now, you are maki
ng a difference, in my life and in the lives of your fans. You have nothing to feel ashamed of." I waited for my words to make the desired impact.

  "Yeah, I still don't know."

  I rolled my eyes and stood up, clutching the barstool so that I didn't topple over. Annoyed at his pessimism and free of inhibitions thanks to the alcohol working its way through my system, I said, "Well, let me know when you snap out of it and figure it out," and marched to the bathroom. Once in the restroom, I slammed the stall door and dropped my head down into my hands. What had I just done? Was I too harsh? Gabe was being negative, but I hoped I didn't offend him. I exited the stall and washed my hands while I inspected myself in the mirror. My eyes looked a little droopy, but otherwise I looked OK if not a little unkempt with the black eye makeup smudged beneath my right eye. When I re-entered the bar area, Alex had claimed my stool next to Gabe, so instead I joined the rest of the girls by Randy.

  "Gabe was being negative," I said.

  Randy laughed through his nose. "He's like that sometimes. Don't worry about it."

  Back at the bar, Gabe lit a cigarette for Alex. I stood in the background, tuning in and out while Kim, Haley, and Shelly talked to Randy about things like touring and movies and even school. My high had turned into a sleepy low, and I was ready to go home.

  Gabe walked by me en route to the restroom and smirked. "You'll be happy to know I snapped out of it."

  My heart leapt to have him talking to me again, but it then sank when he glanced back at Alex, who puffed on her cigarette at the bar. When he walked away, I hurried over to take his spot next to Alex. "What did you guys talk about?"

  "Oh, just life. He's so philosophical. I didn't realize how smart he is. I kind of love it."

  I frowned. "Really? Because that part kind of bugged me."

  When Gabe returned, he stood between the two barstools and put an arm around each of our waists. "Ladies." At his touch, all was forgiven in my head. I don't own this man. I could share. The night wrapped up soon after that when all the drinks had been drained, and we all went our separate ways.

  By the time I got home and collapsed into my bed for the night, my head was pounding. I couldn't imagine doing this for another night at the Chicago show, and I almost wanted to quit. Even homework sounded more tempting than being out that late again. But I couldn't quit. We had made so much progress tonight. What was the Chicago show going to bring?

  Chapter 5: Chicago

  Since we had experienced a few laid-back shows and no front row except for my short stint there in Cleveland, we decided to camp out in Chicago. With the day off between the Milwaukee and Chicago shows, we all got to sleep in and go about our own lives before driving down and setting up camp that night. We ended up arriving at 9 p.m. to find two groups of two girls camped out at the venue. While days earlier, the weather had been in the 80s, fall came swooping down upon us that night and threatened to drop the temperature below 50 for our slumber outside. I kicked a cigarette butt out of the way in my chosen spot on the sidewalk. We each lay out our sleeping bags and an extra blanket or two and hunkered down in our hooded sweatshirts and pajama pants. I was thankful I had the foresight to layer leggings under my fleece pants. I was going to need all the warmth I could get.

  We chatted with the four girls in front of us and found them all to be pleasant. The girls in the front of the line were from New York and had been front row for a previous show during the tour, but the hometown Chicago girls hadn't yet. I talked a little about my meet-n-greet, trying not to brag, and Kim was quick to bring up the post-show drinks with the guys in Milwaukee. The New Yorkers looked unimpressed, but the Chicagoans were enraptured while she shared our story complete with dramatic gestures. I dug some Reese's Pieces out of my bag and busied myself devouring those. None of us were tired yet, and we spent the next couple hours trying to keep warm, walking around the city in search of the nearest bathroom, and coming up with crazy scenarios that the rest of the night might behold. My fantasy included being front row by Gabe, then having the guys pull me up on stage to sing a part of a song with them. Despite my terrible fear of singing in front of people, I would take the microphone, whispering the lyrics I knew so well as I gained more confidence and volume as the song went on. At the end of it, I would get a warm hug from Randy, an encouraging high five from Jacob, and a sweet kiss on the cheek from Gabe coupled with a longing look of desire. Playing off the other girls' fantasies, I also added going back to the tour bus and making sweet love to Gabe while all his songs that he soloed on played in the background.

  By 2 a.m., seven more girls had joined the line behind us, and the venue was kicking people out from the show that was just finishing up that night. One of the employees, a stocky bald man with a goatee who looked to be in his thirties, came out in his red Staff shirt to scope out the crowd. "Are you planning on being here all night?"

  "Yeah!" said Kim while the girls in front of us in line nodded in agreement.

  "That's not such a good idea. I really think you should just go home, get some sleep, and come back when the sun's out. This is not a safe area. I'm not trying to scare you; I'm just telling you how it is."

  We all exchanged glances. I had no intention of leaving. There were 13 girls total now. Surely someone wouldn't come by and take us all on. Shelly and Haley didn't share my confidence and shifted in their sleeping bags like they wanted to speak up. One of the first girls in line spoke for all of us. "We're staying."

  "Listen, I'm not going to make you leave, but I wanted you to be aware." He pulled a vial-like object out of the pocket of his oversized leather jacket. "Do any of you know how to use pepper spray?"

  One of the New Yorkers removed her arm from her sleeping girl and raised her hand. The man handed her the can of pepper spray and lumbered away. "Good luck, girls. I'll see you in the morning hopefully."

  Haley was even more shaken by his last comment. "It'll be fine," I said. "He was just being dramatic. Strength in numbers, remember? Besides, at least it's not Detroit."

  As if on cue, we heard a crashing noise like metal slamming into metal in a parking lot next to the venue. Sure enough, a beat-up brown station wagon with wood paneling had a head-on collision with the metal base of a parking sign.

  "Crap, crap, crap." Haley burrowed further under her sleeping bag.

  A guy with loose jeans falling down to show his plaid boxers, and a blue T-shirt stumbled out of the car. "Fuck! You fucked up my car!" The driver got out, and he was dressed similarly but in mostly black and had a baseball cap and a cigarette sticking out of his mouth.

  "Man, it's fine. It's just a scratch. Shit. Get back in the car."

  "Fuck no!" He spotted us and sauntered over. I averted my eyes, and many of the other girls did the same. He approached some of the girls behind us. "What are you guys sitting here for?"

  "The Out of Towners."

  "Are you serious? Dude, these bitches are sitting here waiting for those faggot Out of Towners. You know they're gay with each other, right?" We were all silent, trying to ignore him so that he'd just go away. "Whatever. Any of you have a cigarette?" No one answered. "Come on, one of you has to smoke. Don't hold out on me."

  His friend caught up with him and grabbed him by the arm, but the first guy shook him off. "I'm gonna rape all of you bitches." My throat tightened, and my body perspired in spite of the cold. Can't he just go away? I tried to catch the attention of the New Yorker with the pepper spray, but she gazed far off into the distance as if nothing were happening. The friend coaxed the first guy to follow him back to the car. Before they got into the car, he dropped his pants and his boxers and clutched his naked crotch. "Oh, Towners!"

  "Ew, I just saw dick," said one of the New Yorkers as if it were an everyday occurrence. Which in New York, maybe it was.

  A few of us giggled. It was hard to sleep after that. I flipped from one side to another in my sleeping bag, but I couldn't get comfortable. Between the hard ground and the fear of the drunk guy coming back to fulfil
l his threat of rape, I couldn't do much more than close my eyes and keep one ear tuned into whatever was going on around me as I snuggled into my sleeping bag.

  ***

  I don't think I was ever so grateful to see a sunrise a few hours later. The dim light illuminated the buildings around us, making everything appear a little grimier but much less scary. A girl farther behind us in line sat hunched over a book; but otherwise, everyone else appeared to be sleeping. With no more danger in sight, I rolled over and fell back asleep.

  When I woke up the next time, the sun beat down on our sidewalk. I heard the voices of Kim and Haley and sat up to unzip my sleeping bag and push up the sleeves of my hooded sweatshirt. Even though the sudden warmth made me sweaty from inside my sleeping bag cocoon, the sun's rays were a welcome change from the near freezing temperature from the night before. "What time is it?"

  "8:15," said Haley.

  Alex groaned from her sleeping bag. "Stupid Towners." A little while later, she and Shelly were both up, and they took the first shift going to the restroom to get ready for the day as best they could without a shower.

  I took off by myself in the direction of a convenience store we had spotted during our late night walk. Knowing I had a half day to waste before the concert started, I meandered through the few aisles and tried to decide what I would feel like snacking on for the rest of the day. In the end, I picked up a small container of milk, a couple doughnuts, bottled water, a bag of chips, and some assorted candy. I would need the sugar later, and I wasn't much of a caffeine drinker. I paid and headed out the door. As I did, I passed the venue employee from last night.

  "Hey, we lived!"

  It took him a few seconds to place me.

  "The girls from the sidewalk."

  "Oh yeah, glad to hear it." He ran his hand over his shiny head and rubbed his eye. It looked like he didn't get much more sleep than I did. Without much more thought, I headed back to the venue, no doubt looking pretty ragged in my sweats and droopy ponytail.