Front Row

by Rebekah N Bryan

  "I think I'll pass," said Shelly.

  "Yeah, I'm good here," said Alex.

  "OK, give me a sec." Taj held up an index finger to Blondie and then led me by the shoulder to the bunk area to show us where we'd all be sleeping. Shelly and I were on the bottom across from each other.

  Will trailed behind us and slapped his hand against the bunk above mine. "This is where I sleep." Then, to Alex. "You should be there when I get back."

  "Wiiiiiiiill," hollered Blondie.

  He rolled his eyes. "Goodnight ladies." He waved and followed the girls off the bus.

  "Sleep well," said Taj. "I'll see you in the morning, OK?"

  "K, have fun," I managed to squeak out.

  It had taken me no time to fall asleep once I had settled in my bunk. I pulled the shade closed but left a small opening so that I wasn't in complete darkness. I draped one leg out of the sleeping bag to keep cool and sprawled out on my stomach as much as I could in the small space.

  ***

  The bunk was as dark as a coffin when I awoke. I couldn't tell if I had been asleep minutes or hours. The small space that had felt comforting in my altered state the night before now felt suffocating. Fumbling for my phone, I hit a button to check the time. Nothing. My old, reliable piece of crap phone was dead once again. I cracked open the curtain and breathed in the fresher air.

  Reaching across the floor to the bunk across from me, my finger met what I thought was Shelly's shoulder. "I think it's time to go, Shell."

  I scooted out from my bunk on my back, stood without knocking into any of the other bunks in those close quarters, and whispered Alex's name into the opening of Will's bunk. A groan emitted from the bunk, but I couldn't tell if it was Will's or Alex's. "I don't want to leave, but I have to get to this presentation at school." I knelt back down to retrieve my purse from my bunk when a tattooed arm fell out of the bunk right across from where I had slept. Dang, looked like Shelly got some action, too. Unless that wasn't her bunk after all. I tiptoed out of the bunk area to check the clock. It was earlier than I thought. I ducked into the tiny bathroom. When I emerged, Taj was standing in front of the kitchenette sink just feet away from me. I jumped, and my hand went to my mouth to cover up any morning breath. "Oh! Do you need to get in here?" I pointed my thumb behind me.

  "Nope."

  "Waiting for me?"

  He smiled without showing his teeth, making creases on either side of his mouth. "Have you seen the back yet?"

  I dragged my finger under my eye, wiping off some residual eye makeup I had spotted in the mirror but hadn't bothered to take care of in the bathroom. "I haven't."

  "Well, you need to get the rest of the tour before you go."

  I chewed on the inside of my mouth and twisted my neck to see the clock. "I guess I have a few minutes. Since the girls aren't up yet." He eased open the door to the bunk area, and I followed, digging around in my purse in desperate search of a piece of gum. My fingers found a thin piece of foil, and I fumbled the gum out and into my mouth just as Taj pushed the second door to the back area open. The back area contained a tan leather sectional couch making up the perimeter of the room, facing an even bigger screen TV. Duffel bags and backpacks that had been cleared out from the bunks to accommodate us girls were stacked on the floor and occupied much of the couch space.

  Taj stepped over the bunk carnage and collapsed on the sectional. I steadied myself with one hand on the pile and hoisted myself over. A slight breeze hit my side, and I remembered I had unzipped my tube top part-way before falling asleep the night before. With my purse in my free hand, I picked up the hand I was using as a support and tugged at the zipper under my opposite armpit. "You can leave that unzipped."

  He said it in a joking way, not a suggestive, predatory way, so I returned the sentiment in a sarcastic tone. "Maybe I should just take the thing off." I lost my footing in a backpack strap, but used my lack of balance to an advantage and tried to pass it off as a move. My purse hand came down harder than I planned in a less-than-graceful manner with a loud slap on the leather beside Taj. Recovering, I straddled his legs with my knees since there was little room on the couch to sit anywhere else. His hands, which were proportionately larger than his sinewy arms—a trait I found sexy—cupped my bare waist just under my tube top.

  "You look nervous," he said.

  I shifted my knees and settled onto his lap. I had no idea what to do with my hands, so after moving them from my sides to clasped in front of my stomach, I straightened my arms out, and my hands came to rest grasping the hem of Taj's T-shirt. "Maybe a little."

  "Why?"

  "I don't know. Because there are people in the next room." My heart drummed against my rib cage. "Hey, I'm sorry I was such a spaz last night."

  "Do I look like I care about that?"

  He didn't. And underneath me, he didn't feel like he cared about it either. But we didn't have much time. I tucked my hands under the edge of his T-shirt, giving me a glimpse of his treasure trail along his thin stomach with the smallest of pooches from all the beer he drank. He took this as an invitation and unzipped my tube top further with his right hand, while his left hand went up my back. His fingers lingered on the clasp of my strapless bra.

  Up until that point, I hadn't been able to look him in the eye. When I did, his brown eyes locked on mine. I bent my head closer to his so that our foreheads touched, and then our lips connected. I let him pull my top over my head while I sucked in my gut. Sitting in jeans was not ideal. To remedy the situation in my paranoid head, I stood to lift his shirt up and off.

  "Here." He shoved one of the duffel bags off of the sectional. I lay down while he supported himself over me.

  I clasped my hand around his neck and put my mouth close to his ear. "Aren't they going to hear?" I whispered as he put his weight on top of me.

  "The guys won't be up this early. I promise."

  He unbuttoned my jeans, and I shimmied out of them as he tugged off his blue plaid pajama pants. When he reached for my underwear, I put my hand on top of his. "I don't know if I want to have sex, Taj."

  His lips were by my ear, and he kissed my neck right underneath my earlobe. "We don't have to."

  "Mmm." I wasn't surprised his fingers knew what to do. I had seen him play guitar. I stuck my hand down the front of his boxers to return the favor.

  ***

  As Taj promised, none of the guys were up when we emerged from the back area. I wasn't sure my friends were either until we found them in the front of the bus. Shelly had her feet up on the driver's side couch while she jabbed the keys on her phone, and Alex lay on the passenger side couch. Taj flopped onto the booth.

  "You guys ready?" I asked.

  Shelly stretched her arms over her head. She tipped her head back to see the clock. "Not really, but let's go. We don't want to miss our flight."

  With her face in the couch, Alex said, "I'm fine with it."

  "It's too bad we can't say goodbye the rest of the guys." I massaged Taj's head with one hand, feeling his coarse, black hair under my fingertips. He pulled me down onto his lap, and I sat with my head against his for as long as I dared. I squeezed him and pushed off the back of the booth to hoist my tired bones back up. As we walked out the door, I waved and bit my lip hard to prevent tears from forming in my overtired state. When I failed, I hopped down the stairs first and blinked the tears away before the girls could notice.

  The flight was fine. I was too introspective about what had just happened and too anxious to get to my presentation in time to notice that I was on a plane at all. I convinced myself it was a fast-moving bus. The two hours seemed no longer than 10 minutes with the three of us sharing our stories from the night before.

  Alex commanded Shelly to go first. "Shell. You and Jacob. Tell us everything."

  I put up my index finger. "And Jesse!"

  "Nothing happened with Jesse and me. I think he was drunk when he got back, so he climbed into my bunk, and I went with it. He just spooned me."
>
  "OK, whatever. What about Jacob?" Alex's blue eyes were unrelenting. I'm glad the attention wasn't on me yet.

  "I mean, after Florida we couldn't not do it." Shelly refused to delve into anymore of the details. "Let's just say he doesn't disappoint."

  I bumped her shoulder with mine. "Ooooh. Go Shell."

  She threw it right back at me. "And what about you and Taj?"

  My cheeks grew warm. "We didn't have sex."

  Alex scrunched up her nose. "Why not?"

  A middle-aged lady across the aisle from us glanced over with disapproval written all over her face. I lowered my voice. "I just couldn't do it. We did do other things though." I paused for effect. "Let's just say he's very good with his hands."

  "Wow, lucky girl," said Alex.

  "And what about you and Will?" I asked.

  Her eyes widened. "Why, did you hear us?"

  "No, I was out. I slept like a log."

  "Oh good. We did have some fun when he got back from the bar. It's a good thing I'm flexible because those bunks are not spacious."

  ***

  When we touched down at home, I said goodbye to the girls and hurried off through the airport remote parking lot to find my car. It was interesting, how conflicted I felt. On one hand, I was ready to go back out on tour, and I thought this melancholy feeling wouldn't disappear until I was back in their presence again. On the other hand, I wanted so badly to get back into a routine and not have to think about the next concert for awhile. It was exhausting. All the feelings were exhausting. In comparison, work and school were easy.

  All the emotions came back to me as I sped to school, and I alternated between laughing and crying. By the time campus was in sight, my tear ducts were dry, and the inside of my eyelids burned every time I closed them. I was focused on my one goal of parking and getting to class in time.

  I pulled into the parking lot only a minute before class started, and it took me another minute to find a spot in the busy lot. I sprinted to the door and up a flight of stairs.

  I took a second before walking into the classroom to catch my breath and found my four teammates at the front of the room, cueing up the PowerPoint presentation. I had made it just in time.

  Walking back to my car after class, a feeling of relief washed over me, followed by a feeling of emptiness. I had made it back to class on time. My schoolwork was getting back on track. Alexandra and I were on good terms again.

  On the other hand, tour was over. I had no more concerts to look forward to. I had no idea when I would see Taj, the rest of the Face Rake guys, or The Out of Towners next. I was once again a normal college student and bank teller. This had been the most exciting month and a half of my life, and even though I couldn't have been more tired, I longed for a repeat of being front row, in the middle of the action. Backstage. VIP. In the arms of an adorable guitarist who I was crazy about, but who lived way too far away. More than being just a student, friend, daughter, sister, bank teller, I was a perpetual fan. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

  Epilogue: Ten Years Later

  It was my brother who told me about the Face Rake reunion show. His band was scheduled to perform, and Face Rake had been a last-minute addition to the lineup. That little tidbit of information made my year. There was nothing that was going to keep me from going to that show.

  It had been ten years since I had seen Taj. Face Rake had broken up for a little while, but Jesse persevered, playing solo acoustic shows around the country for awhile. Alex and I went and saw one of his shows years ago. Malcolm and Will were in attendance, but Taj was nowhere to be found.

  It's not like Taj was my first love, or even someone I had the opportunity to fall in love with given our brief interaction with each other, but he represented a carefree time in my life that I would always treasure.

  I learned a few things from attending so many concerts and being so close to the bands through the years. The first thing I learned is to never underestimate the opening band. I'd lost count of how many times I've walked into a concert, impatient to get to the headliner and left with a new band to love. Since most of the fans are there to see the headliner, opening bands tend to be more accessible, and they seem to be appreciative and receptive to new fans, and even new friends sometimes.

  The second thing I learned is that it's hard to date musicians. There are the scheduling conflicts, lack of time, loneliness, egos, neuroses, other fans, the list goes on. Even if the guy is completely normal and down to earth and trustworthy, there's still the concern that the band is the top priority.

  The final thing I learned is that regret can sometimes be an aspect of being a fan. Maybe not regret, per se, but constantly asking myself, "What if?" What if I had transferred schools and moved to be closer to Taj and his lifestyle? I considered it for a brief and crazy moment. And then there's Gabe. There would always be Gabe. He was the first man I thought I loved, even years before I met him. What if I had been more aggressive? Would I have gotten more? Would we have made that connection to halt his promiscuous ways?

  But I always had the music. The music that could transport me to a different time and place. The music that was always around when I needed it and always knew what to say. Depending on my mood, it could spark impromptu dance parties, or reduce me to a blubbering puddle of tears. That's what music is to fans a lot of times. Therapy.

  ***

  I spent a week before the show trying to figure out what I was going to wear. The forecast predicted a nice, warm, and mild spring day. As a much more conservative dresser at age 30 than at 20, I couldn't decide whether I wanted to show leg or arms, but not both, and not the ample amounts of cleavage I used to deem as a requirement. I settled on skinny jeans, a tank top, vest, and a stack of bracelets. I wished I could make the 30 pounds I had gained in the last decade disappear, but that couldn't be helped. At least not in time. Still, I felt more put together and confident than I did as a college student, and that would count for something.

  I met Alex before the show so that we could drive down together. She reminded me that this was the same exact bar where we sat on the sidewalk and listened to the show in the freezing cold because we were too young to go inside. So much had changed since then…or had it? We had come full circle. We found we were just as nervous as last time. What would we say? What would we do? Would it be awkward? Would they even remember us? So many questions and doubts and insecurities swam through my head as I drove us to the bar.

  Once we arrived, I drove around the venue twice, trying to find a parking spot. As I circled, bits and pieces of vague memories from 10 years ago leaked in from my subconscious. There was the sidewalk where we sat under a pile of blankets and sleeping bags. There's where the van was parked, when we all piled in to find a diner. There's the window I threw my T-shirt at to try to get the guys' attention inside. And there was the door that we were not allowed to enter at age 20, but would welcome us tonight.

  I parked the car on the side street, noticed there was a minivan with its lights on parked on the other side of the street, but didn't pay much attention to it. Since Alex had come right from work, I lent her my makeup, and she finished getting ready in the car while I kept watch. We joked about how silly we were for being so nervous, and everything seemed more funny than it was. All my limbs felt like limp noodles, the thought of which only made me giggle more. I noticed some movement from the minivan as whoever was in there was getting out.

  "Shit! It's Jesse!" I killed the overhead lights in my car. We both ducked down, all the while realizing how absurd we were acting. It was Jesse. Just Jesse. One of the nicest guys ever. A guy who had always thought very highly of us. A guy we should never, ever feel nervous around. But we did, in spite of it all.

  Alex stayed hunched down. "Did he see us?"

  "I don't know. I think he looked over here."

  "This is stupid. We should just go and say hi." Neither of us moved.

  Minutes went by and we continued to freak out, but we couldn't wait
much longer because it would soon be time for the show to start. I got out of the car first and closed the door behind me before I could reconsider. Alex followed after a second of resistance, and we made our way to the front door, giggling the whole way. Upon showing our IDs and making it into the bar this time, we beelined for the single-stall bathroom. I went first, and when I came out, I laid my eyes on Taj, sitting with his elbows on the bar and a beer in front of him. His hair was longer than it used to be and hidden under a baseball cap. He also wore glasses. Otherwise, he looked just the same as he did 10 years ago. For a moment, I debated whether I wanted to stand in one place and wait for Alex, but that option just felt too awkward. I needed to be the one to make the first move and reconnect with the guys on my terms; I didn't want to be caught off guard by one of them greeting me first as I stood alone in a corner. I strode right past Taj, hoping he was watching me as I went. Around the corner, I saw the stage and a small merch table set up near the back. Will sat alone at the table, awaiting a customer. He looked thinner and healthier and somehow younger than he did 10 years ago. I approached him with a wide smile on my face. "Hi, Will."

  It took seconds for him to process who I was. At first he gave an unsure but friendly, "Hi, what's up?" For a brief moment, I thought he had forgotten who I was. Then, his eyes lit up. "Oh my gosh, Rachel!" He got up from his seat and came around the table to give me a hug.

  "That's more of the welcome I was hoping for!" We had a bit of small talk, and I told him I was there with Alexandra, who I needed to be getting back to. We exchanged pleasantries, and I headed back to the bar area to get a drink with Alexandra. I told her that I talked to Will, and she was annoyed that I didn't wait for her. There would be time for that, I reassured her. I offered to go back to the merch table with her, but she opted to wait until Will approached her. Instead, we ordered a couple tall glasses of liquid courage as I stole glances at Taj across the bar.