‘And I didn’t see the need to tell you until I knew what I was dealing with.’
He looked down at his own hands, also clasped tightly in his lap. ‘Shit, Amber…’ He looked back up at her, his stomach turning over and over so many times, he couldn’t seem to stop it. ‘And… and what are we dealing with?’
She shrugged, pushing a hand through her hair. ‘I don’t know. Well, I mean, I don’t know for sure, but… I’ve got to go and see Dr. Lowry – the specialist – tomorrow. I guess I’ll find out then.’
‘Tomorrow? You… you mean you’ve gone through all of this on your own?’
‘I’ve had Debbie with me. She’s been amazing.’
Jim stood up, pacing the floor. He’d thought all he’d have to face today would be the aftermath of Amber finding out about Brandon, but this was crazy. This was something else. He’d had no idea she’d been going through all that. He’d had no idea just how much she wanted a baby. His baby. Why the hell hadn’t she just talked to him?
‘I’m coming with you. Tomorrow,’ Jim said, sitting back down beside her. ‘I want to be there, I want to be with you.’
Amber shook her head. ‘No, Jim, I… I’m still trying to get my head around the bombshell that you’re Brandon Palmer’s dad, and that’s enough to deal with right now. So I’m not sure I…’ Not sure she was what? What wasn’t she sure of? She couldn’t even think straight right now let alone make any real decisions. ‘I just don’t know if I want you there.’
‘Amber, honey, I’m your husband, and I love you…’
She stared at him. ‘Do you? Do you really? Only, you keep doing this to me, Jim. You keep throwing shit at me and then expect me to deal with it just like that, and I really don’t know if I’ve got the energy to deal with any of it anymore.’
He gave one last attempt to take her hand, and this time she relented, letting his fingers wrap around hers. She was right. She didn’t have the energy to deal with it, but she also knew she had no other choice left now but to try.
‘I want to make this right, Amber. And I don’t even know how to start explaining things to you because there’s no excuse for keeping something so big from you… there’s no excuse.’
She threw her head back and sighed, closing her eyes for a second as though that short space of time would give her some clarity on this situation. Like that was going to happen any time soon. ‘I take it he’s using his first game for Wearside Spartans to announce the family link, am I right?’
Jim nodded, gently rubbing his thumb over her knuckles.
‘Why, Jim? Why keep him a secret all this time? Because you’re right, that hasn’t been fair on him, never mind me.’
‘I don’t know, Amber,’ Jim sighed, looking down at their joined hands. ‘I don’t know why I do half the things I do sometimes. All I know is that having you back in my life… I didn’t want anything to jeopardise that.’
‘We’re talking about your son here, Jim. A real-life human being…’ The phone ringing stopped her from going on and she reached over to the bedside table, picking up the receiver and answering the call immediately. ‘Hey, Ronnie.’ She’d recognised his mobile number flashing up on the screen.
‘Did you know about this?’ he asked, his voice full of something she could only assume was surprise. ‘Did you know Brandon Palmer is…?’
‘I know,’ she said, interrupting him before he could finish the sentence. ‘Jim’s told me.’
‘Oh, so now he’s decided to tell you? I’m assuming you had no idea about any of this before?’
‘No,’ Amber replied, her voice quiet but steady, despite the somewhat surreal events surrounding her. ‘No, I didn’t. But that’s not the impression we’re going to give everybody else, okay?’
Jim’s expression changed to one of confusion again as she spoke, an emotion that also seemed to have taken over Ronnie’s tone on the other end of the line.
‘Huh? What the hell are you talking about?’
‘If it comes out that I had no idea Brandon Palmer was Jim’s son, how’s that gonna look?’
‘It’s gonna look like the truth.’
‘I don’t want to start another media frenzy on top of the one that’s already going to happen now everyone knows who Brandon’s father really is. We can all do without that, especially now. I’ve got enough to deal with.’
‘Amber, babe, are you sure about this? I mean… when did he tell you? Jim, I mean.’
‘Just now.’
‘Just now?’
‘Yes. Just now. Look, Ronnie, we’re right in the middle of something, as you can imagine, so all I’m going to say is, if anyone asks you whether I knew about Brandon, the answer is yes. Okay? And I know everyone at Cloud Sports is going to think this is all a bit weird, that I didn’t say anything about this, but… well, I’ll deal with all that later.’
‘Amber…’
‘Can you just do that for me? Please? You know more than anyone that I’ve got a lot on my mind right now and I really don’t want this to become something bigger than it needs to be.’ She looked at Jim, his hand still holding tightly onto hers. ‘Jim knows what he’s done. He knows.’
‘Well, you’re more forgiving than I would be.’
‘Can you just do that for me, Ronnie? Please?’
She heard him sigh heavily down the line. ‘Are you okay?’
‘I’m fine. Really, I’m okay.’
‘Well, you know where I am if…’
‘If I need you, yeah, I know. I’ll see you later.’ She put the phone down and looked at Jim. ‘He won’t be the only one ringing, you know that, don’t you? My Dad’ll be next, and Christ knows what he’ll have to say. He’s only just got used to the idea that you slept with me when I was sixteen years old.’
‘Did you mean that?’ Jim asked, squeezing her hand, probably tighter than was necessary but he was anxious. More anxious than he’d ever felt in his life. ‘About letting everyone think that you knew about Brandon all along?’
She let go of his hand, standing up and walking over to the wardrobe. ‘You heard what I said to Ronnie. I really haven’t got the energy to deal with this right now, so yeah, I’ll play the happy step-mum and pretend this is such a proud day for all of us.’ She pushed a hand through her hair, her eyes meeting his. ‘I suggest you call Brandon’s agent and let him know what’s going on before we get to the stadium.’
‘I’ll call Max in a minute, but…’
Amber frowned. ‘Max? Max Mandell? He’s Brandon’s agent? Jesus Christ, this day just gets better…’
‘Amber…’
‘What? Is there anything else you want to add to the crap you’re piling on me today? Got something else you want to throw at me? Any more secrets you’d like to get off your chest?’
Jim flinched slightly, taking a deep breath before he spoke again. ‘Does Ronnie know that you… Did you tell him about…?’
She let out another cynical laugh, turning away from him. ‘You not happy with that? Does that make you feel just a little bit angry that I confide in another man about something that involves you? Does that bother you?’
‘Yes, actually, it does.’
She swung round to stare at him. ‘Well fucking tough, Jim. Deal with it. Secrets can really fucking hurt, can’t they?’
‘Amber… Look, I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry.’
‘That word is so overused by you, Jim.’
‘What you’re doing today… I really appreciate…’
The expression on her face made him flinch again. ‘I’m not doing this for you, and I’m not even doing it for Brandon, although God knows he didn’t deserve to have to keep your secrets, too. I’m doing it because I really don’t need the drama. Not today. I can’t think about anything else except what I’m going to be told tomorrow, and this… this is just…’ It was almost as if everything had all of a sudden come crashing down on top of her, all at once. Everything he’d told her, the reality of what that now meant, and the fact that she might
never be able to have a child of her own – something she really, truly hadn’t realised she’d wanted quite as badly as she did right now. And after what he’d just told her, the pain of never being able to carry his baby was going to hurt twice as much, she knew that. If that was what she was told tomorrow, if her worst fears were confirmed, she knew she was going to feel things she’d never experienced before, emotions she was going to find hard to keep in check, and the thought of that brought with it an all-consuming sadness that just took over, causing her to sink to her knees, the tears finally falling, her whole body shaking with sobs she couldn’t control.
‘Oh Jesus, Amber…’ Jim ran over to her, crouching down beside her, pulling her into his arms and, despite everything, she let him hold her. She needed to be held, needed to be close to someone. And she loved him. Even after everything that had happened, she still loved him with every inch of her being, every beat of her breaking heart, and she didn’t know if she could do this without him. She didn’t know if she wanted to. ‘Baby, I am so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.’
She took a deep breath, willing the tears to slow down, to give her a second to try and be strong. ‘Just call Max, Jim. Please. Let’s at least try and keep this thing under some kind of control, okay? That’s the best thing you can do for me right now.’ Letting go of him, the tears still streaming down her face, she stood up, pushing both hands through her hair as she took another deep breath. ‘I’m going to get ready. Just make sure everyone over there at Spartans knows the score, okay?’
‘Amber… You really don’t have to do this.’
She looked at him as he stood there, hands in his pockets, his handsome face sporting an expression that told her he probably was truly sorry for what he’d just done. For what he’d been doing for over twenty years. She just didn’t know if that was enough anymore. ‘No. I know I don’t.’
‘Let me come with you tomorrow, please. I don’t want you to go through this on your own.’
‘I’m used to it, Jim.’ She looked up at him, part of her wanting to slap him for hurting her yet again, but another part of her just wanting things to be normal. She wanted the clock to rewind and this day to begin again, without the surprises and the drama. ‘You’ve put me in a really uncomfortable position at work, too. I mean, people are going to ask why I didn’t let on about you being Brandon Palmer’s dad, that’s a given because of the job I do. For Christ’s sake, we were only talking about him yesterday in the studio, and now this has all come out… I’m going to have some explaining to do.’
‘You’re a professional, Amber. We both are, and we’ll get through this, I promise.’
She threw him another look that caused that flinch to return. ‘You and promises, Jim – they don’t go together, so don’t make them, okay? Just, don’t.’
She turned to walk into the bathroom but he quickly stopped her, gently grabbing her arm and swinging her round. ‘Amber… I love you, and you need to know that. You need to know just how much I love you, how much I really need you and I know you hate me doing this, but I promise you, baby, I will never, ever hurt you again. There are no more secrets, no more lies, no more skeletons in any closet, I promise you that.’ He looked into her eyes, eyes that were red and damp from the tears she was still crying, although they were falling silently now, running slowly down her beautiful face. He loved her so much, and the thought that this could push her away scared the hell out of him. ‘I love you, Amber. It’s as simple as that. I love you.’
She stared up at him, wanting to believe him, needing to believe him, because she didn’t want to lose him. Not again, she couldn’t face that. She couldn’t, she wasn’t strong enough, not anymore. ‘Yeah. I know you do. And despite everything, Jim, I love you, too. God help me, I love you, too.’
Chapter Nine
Ryan hung his head, watching out of the window as Ellen practically skipped down the road, away from his apartment building, off to enjoy a day with her friends in town, unaware that he wasn’t going to be around later like she hoped he was going to be. He had plans. The last thing he wanted her to think was that he was available at her beck and call whenever she wanted him. That was his territory.
Moving away from the window, he pushed a hand through his messed-up hair as he walked over to the kitchen. His head was still banging, that self-inflicted hangover making its appearance felt once again now the morning sex was over and reality was back. He needed some kind of quick-fix relief, especially as Max was due any minute now. He really didn’t want or need his agent to see him looking like shit, even if that’s exactly how he felt. But he’d needed last night, needed that chance to escape, even if it had only been for a few hours. He’d needed to be with someone, to do something that took his mind off everything that was going on, but he also knew he had to make a decision soon. He had to grow up and face things head-on, or he knew he could be in danger of losing it all – and he wasn’t willing to go there again.
Pouring himself a glass of orange juice, he sat down in a chair by the window, bowing his head, focusing on his blue and yellow trainers – one of the many freebies he’d been given over the course of his career. He’d lost count of how many others he’d received, everything from holidays to flat-screen TVs, even a car. And yet, right now, he’d give it all away if it meant he could just turn the clock back and make everything right. Turn his future into something he wanted, rather than something he needed to do.
Knocking back what he hoped would be a miraculous cure for his headache from hell, he wondered if a nice greasy fry-up would have been a better option, but he didn’t have the energy to crack an egg, never mind cook up the full works. Maybe he should have asked Ellen to make him breakfast before she’d left. He was sure she’d have done so gladly, but letting her take control in his kitchen might have sent off more of those wrong signals he really didn’t want her to pick up on. So a glass of orange juice would have to do.
He’d no sooner drained his glass, putting it down on the table in front of him, pushing it away with his foot, when he heard the front door of his riverside apartment open, causing him to look up sharply, which he soon realised had been a really bad idea, given his condition.
‘Jesus Christ. What happened to this being a secure building?’
Max Mandell, Ryan’s agent, kicked the front door shut behind him and walked into the large, open-plan living area, his hands shoved deep in the pockets of his no-doubt extremely expensive dark grey suit. ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, looking briefly at Ryan before going straight into the kitchen and flicking on the kettle.
‘Huh?’ Ryan frowned, getting up and following Max. ‘What the fuck are you talking about?’
‘You look shifty,’ Max said, leaning back against the counter and folding his arms. ‘Like you’re up to something.’
‘What the…? Why do you always think the worst of me?’
Max just raised an eyebrow. Max Mandell was one of the most respected and revered football agents around, not to mention one of the shrewdest. He’d been Ryan’s agent for almost eight years and he knew him better than anybody, having been with him through the many highs and lows that Ryan’s career had experienced. His client list was short, but the names he had on that list were big names, names that brought the money in, and because of who he was and what he could do for his clients, the waiting list to get on his books was growing longer by the day.
‘Jesus…’ Ryan said, turning to look out over the view of the River Tyne, the hustle and bustle of Newcastle City Centre just minutes away from his doorstep. He loved this city, he loved the life he had. But he just wasn’t sure things could stay the way they were when he still felt the way that he did.
‘You promise me you’re not up to anything?’ Max asked, pouring boiling water into a mug he’d retrieved from the cupboard.
Ryan turned back around. ‘Is this how it’s gonna be from now on? You always two steps behind me, keeping an eye on me? Making sure I’m not lapsing back into my old ways?’
> Max shrugged. ‘I don’t know, Ryan. Do I need to be two steps behind you?’
Ryan averted his eyes away from Max’s, rubbing a hand up and down his tattooed arm. ‘No. You don’t.’
‘You sure?’ Max asked, looking at Ryan over the rim of his mug as he sipped his coffee. ‘Because, judging by the state of you, I don’t think you came home last night and went straight to bed. Not on your own, anyway.’
‘For Christ’s sake,’ Ryan sighed, finding it hard to keep the irritation out of his voice. ‘I told you I wasn’t going back there, okay? And I mean it this time.’
‘Well, let’s hope you do. Anyway, I thought you might like to come with me to the Wearside Spartans match this afternoon. My newest client’s playing and I want to be there to support him.’
‘Newest client?’ Ryan frowned, rubbing a hand along the back of his neck.
‘Brandon Palmer,’ Max said, looking at Ryan as though he should be aware of this fact. ‘Managed to snare his signature before he’d even set foot on British soil. I mean, the fact he’s Jim Allen’s son should mean there’s some talent in there somewhere, not to mention the fact that his family links alone will have the sponsorship deals flooding in. And he’s a good-looking kid, so that’s a bonus…’
‘Whoa, hang on…’ Ryan interrupted, confusion now setting in big time. ‘Can you rewind a bit there? Did you say Brandon Palmer was Jim Allen’s son?’
Max looked at Ryan with that same expression that said he really should know all this. ‘Yes. Christ, have you not been listening to any news at all this morning? It’s been kept a bit of a secret, granted, which hasn’t made my job any easier, but I guess the kid wanted to get noticed on his own merits rather than because of who his famous father is. Anyway, whatever the reason, it’s worked. He had about half a dozen clubs after him, but he wanted to go to Spartans.’
‘You knew he was Jim Allen’s son?’
‘Of course I knew,’ Max said, taking another sip of coffee. ‘There’s not much I don’t know about any of my clients, Ryan, you should know that by now. I can’t deal with people’s shit if I don’t know anything about it.’
Extra Time Page 13