Extra Time

by Michelle Betham

  She shut him up with one of her looks, shaking her head. ‘No. Not yet. Look, I don’t even want to talk about him right now, let alone talk to him. I can’t even explain these bloody feelings going round in my head, and that’s what’s so confusing.’

  ‘You really should…’

  ‘Just leave it, Ronnie, please.’

  He looked down at the ground, scuffing the heel of his shoe against the bottom of the kitchen cupboards. ‘Then talk to me, Amber.’ He looked up at her, his eyes locking onto hers. ‘Please. Just talk to someone, because you’re bottling stuff up, I know you. And you don’t do that.’

  ‘Oh, yes, I do,’ she said, letting out a small, ironic laugh. ‘I so do. For almost twenty years I bottled up how I really felt for Jim. I battered those feelings down until I almost began to convince myself that they weren’t real.’ She stared at Ronnie. ‘But they were. They were very real, and I just wish I’d acted on them sooner.’

  ‘You think that would have made this situation any different?’

  She shrugged, wiping her eyes again before throwing the crumpled sheet of kitchen roll into a nearby bin. ‘Probably not. But it might have meant that at least, by now, I’d be used to it all. I’d have accepted that Jim was a father, and that I won’t ever be a mum.’ Just saying the words out loud felt like someone had thrust something sharp and jagged right into her chest. The pain was so real she actually flinched, and Ronnie had to step forward to catch her in his arms as she fell forward.

  ‘Okay, that’s it. Come on. I think it’s time you got some sleep. You look worn out.’

  ‘I’m not a child, Ronnie.’ She pulled away from him, continuing to tidy up the remnants of their takeaway supper. ‘I’m fine. It was just a wobble, and I’m sure I’m going to have quite a few more of those before…’

  Ronnie grabbed the plates she was holding, pulling them out of her hands, instantly shutting her up. ‘Leave those. They’ll still be there in the morning.’

  ‘Yeah. I know. That’s why I’m clearing them away now.’

  ‘Jesus, will you just do as you’re told! I know you think you’re some strong-minded northern woman who can tackle anything, no matter what the situation, but you’re wrong, okay?’

  She turned to look at him, narrowing her eyes. ‘I’m wrong?’

  ‘Yeah. You’re wrong. You’re weak, Amber. Deal with it. And, more importantly, just let it happen. It isn’t a fucking crime to show a little weakness now and again, especially when you’ve spent most of your life trying to portray yourself as someone who doesn’t feel anything.’

  ‘That’s not what I…’

  ‘It was. Look, what’s happening to you right now, most people would expect you to feel a little bit confused, a little bit upset. What you’ve been told, that’s big, Amber. It’s life-changing.’

  She felt fresh tears start to fall, and she knew that if she looked at Ronnie she was only going to start crying – really crying – all over again. And she was tired of doing that now. She’d spent the past few nights crying herself to sleep – not that she’d slept all that much. And she wanted to sleep, wanted to go some place where the pain wouldn’t get to her, but she wasn’t even allowed that luxury of escape.

  ‘I just feel so empty, Ronnie.’

  He reached out and took her hand, squeezing it gently as her tear-filled eyes stared into his. ‘I know, sweetheart. I know. But pushing people away isn’t going to help.’

  ‘Will you stay tonight? Please. If you go and I’m on my own again I know I’m just going to be awake all night going over and over everything until it makes even less sense than it already does. And I really don’t want to be alone.’

  He smiled, resting his forehead against hers, stroking her cheek with his thumb. ‘You want me to stay, I’ll stay. But only if you promise you’ll talk to me. Do we have a deal?’

  She couldn’t help smiling, too. ‘Yeah. We have a deal.’

  ‘Good. Okay, you head on upstairs, run yourself a bath and try and relax. I’ll tidy up down here.’

  She leaned forward, kissing his cheek. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘I’ll bring you up that nightcap once I’m done.’

  Half an hour later she eased herself out of the bath, feeling slightly more relaxed than she had done before she’d got in it. With the wonderful sound of Joe Bonamassa’s rock/blues voice and incredible guitar playing having taken her to a place where she felt a touch calmer, she actually thought she might have a chance of some sleep tonight. To get more than a couple of hours in a row would be like heaven, after the past few nights.

  ‘I brought you that drink.’

  She turned round to see Ronnie, his white shirtsleeves now rolled up to his elbows, his dark hair slightly dishevelled.

  ‘Feeling any better?’ he asked as he hovered in the doorway.

  Amber nodded. ‘Yeah. A bit. You can come in you know.’

  ‘I just thought you might… I thought you might be tired. I’ll go get the spare room ready…’

  ‘Ronnie, please. Just come in, will you?’ She sat down on the edge of the bed, pulling her bathrobe tighter around her.

  He sat down next to her, clasping his hands between his knees.

  ‘Brandon is a really nice guy,’ she began, staring straight ahead of her as she spoke. ‘But sitting there tonight, talking to him, knowing who he was… it was so hard. So, so hard. None of it is his fault, all of this…’ She broke off, saying nothing for a few seconds. ‘He represents a lie, Ronnie. And I know that sounds like a really selfish thing to say because I’ve just said none of this is his fault, but, to me, when I look at him, all I see is this secret that Jim kept from me and… I don’t know… it’s all still so confusing.’

  Ronnie reached out to take her hand and she closed her eyes as his fingers wrapped around hers.

  ‘But he doesn’t just represent a lie. He’s also going to be this constant reminder of something I can’t ever have, and something my husband will have forever – a son. And again, I know this sounds selfish, but I don’t know if I can be around him, Ronnie. I really don’t know if I can do that, and if I can’t be around him, then I can’t be around Jim, can I?’

  ‘Amber…’

  She shook her head, pulling her hand away from his. ‘No. It’s okay. I can’t expect you to answer that. It’s just me voicing all these mixed-up, crazy, painful thoughts that are just spinning round and round and round inside my head…’ She sighed, heavy and deep, throwing her head back, pushing both hands through her hair. ‘Oh Jesus, Ronnie…’

  ‘Hey, come on. Come on. It’s okay…’

  ‘But it’s not okay, is it?’ She looked straight at him. ‘How can it be okay? If I can’t accept Brandon as Jim’s son purely because it’s too painful for me to… This is getting us nowhere. I don’t know what I’m saying, not really. Everything’s still too messed up right now.’

  ‘You should get some sleep,’ Ronnie said quietly, gently brushing her hair back off her shoulders. ‘We’ve got a busy day tomorrow.’

  She looked at him. ‘I don’t want to be selfish, Ronnie. I really don’t want that. I just need to face up to my own reality before I can start to accept Jim’s. Does that make any sense?’

  He gave her a small smile. ‘Yeah. I think it does.’

  ‘It’s just that… I feel like I’m so far away from accepting anything right now. And I know that I shouldn’t be acting like this. I shouldn’t have run away from everything by coming down here, I should have stayed in Newcastle and talked this out with Jim, but… after everything we’ve been through, after everything that happened between us in the past…’ She looked down at her clasped hands. ‘It’s hard. For me to know that he kept a secret so big from me. From everyone. Why did he do that, Ronnie?’ She looked at her best friend. ‘Why? I just… I just don’t understand.’

  ‘Do you love him, Amber?’

  She stared into his eyes, feeling something in the pit of her stomach that she couldn’t explain. ‘Yes, I love him. I ju
st don’t want to be with him right now. It’s too hard. It’s just too hard, and some people might find that difficult to understand, and that word selfish may be thrown around again, but… but I have to deal with this in my own way, I have to…’

  ‘Amber, it’s okay. You don’t have to explain anything to me, all right? I understand.’

  ‘I’m not sure I understand what I’m feeling myself, Ronnie.’

  He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, his hand lightly brushing her neck as he did so, an action that caused a strange sensation to pass through her, like a forbidden shiver, something she shouldn’t be feeling, but she was.

  ‘It will be okay, Amber. I promise you.’

  She smiled at him. ‘I believe your promises.’

  He smiled, too, his hand absentmindedly resting on her bare knee. ‘Then believe that this will all be okay. Eventually. No one expects you to have it all worked out overnight.’

  ‘It’s going to take time, I know that. So I guess I’ve just got to be patient.’

  He was so close now that Amber could feel his breath on her cheek, his hand still resting on her knee, but she made no attempt to move it.

  ‘There are a lot of strange feelings happening right now but… but I guess I’ve just got to run with them.’ She looked right into his eyes, a sensation akin to a tiny electric shock shooting right across her chest, rendering her breathless for a split second. ‘Haven’t I?’

  ‘Only if you feel comfortable with whatever those feelings are,’ he whispered, his hand slowly sliding up her leg, underneath her robe to touch her thigh. And something inside him told him he shouldn’t be doing this, that she was vulnerable and tired and not thinking straight, but she felt so warm and soft, her skin still damp from the bath she’d just had. And he couldn’t pull away, couldn’t stop himself.

  Amber closed her eyes, knowing in the very small but still-present rational part of her brain that this was wrong. This was really wrong. But, at the same time, this was her chance for an escape, a chance to forget everything that was making her feel so confused – by embarking on something that would only serve to confuse the situation even further? Just more proof that she wasn’t thinking straight.

  ‘I should go,’ Ronnie said, sensing her reluctance, and he wasn’t going to push it. He cared too much about her for that. She didn’t need him playing with her already messed-up emotions, that wasn’t fair. ‘You need to sleep.’

  She said nothing as he got up off the bed, just watched as he walked towards the door, his head down. And it was only when that all-consuming feeling of emptiness washed over her once more that she stood up and ran over to him.

  ‘Ronnie, no! Wait. Please.’

  He swung round to look at her, her pretty face now devoid of those tear stains that had covered it not that long ago. She looked younger than she was, but her eyes were sad. Lost, almost, and he wasn’t used to seeing her that way. It hurt him like he couldn’t explain and all he wanted to do – with every inch of his being – was make everything better. He wanted to make it all better. By doing what he so badly wanted to do? Was that going to help anyone? Really?

  ‘It’s not fair, Amber.’

  ‘On either of us – on Jim. I know. I know it isn’t fair, but … Jesus, Ronnie, sometimes life isn’t fucking fair, is it?’

  ‘You’re not thinking straight. It’s wrong. I mean, I want to, don’t get me wrong, Christ, I want to. So much you wouldn’t believe…’

  She slowly undid the robe she was wearing, leaving it loose but not allowing it to fall open.

  He couldn’t take his eyes off her. ‘We’re both so confused about things right now, Amber. I don’t think we…’ He turned his head away for a second, pushing a hand through his hair as he tried to get some sort of clarity on a situation that was fast getting out of hand. And he wasn’t sure either of them had the strength to stop it.

  ‘No. You’re right,’ Amber said, tying the robe back up. ‘You’re right.’

  He watched as she walked over to the bed, and the pain he felt cut across his chest was quite shocking in its intensity. Almost as if someone was putting some kind of invisible pressure on him that he couldn’t stop. Yes, he was right. Of course he was right. But sometimes, just sometimes he wanted to be wrong, and fuck the consequences.

  She still had her back to him, busying herself folding up the towel she’d had wrapped around her wet hair, and he just stood and watched her for a few seconds, waiting to see if she would turn around and tell him she was ready to make the mistake he so badly wanted to make with her. A big, beautiful, heart-wrenching mistake. But she stayed facing away from him. Because she knew that if she turned around she’d have no choice?

  Looking briefly up at the ceiling, letting out a deep but quiet sigh, he walked slowly over to her until he was right behind her, reaching out to gently push her damp hair away from the back of her neck, kissing it lightly.

  ‘Don’t turn around,’ he whispered. Was this the coward’s way of making his move? If she didn’t look at him, if he couldn’t see her face, would it mean he felt less guilty?

  He could hear her breathing begin to speed up, become more shallow, and he ached to feel her skin beneath his fingers. He ached to touch her, to see her naked, to make love to her. It was like a million pent-up feelings had come rushing to the surface after years of being pushed down and ignored. Even though they’d always been there. So, was opening this Pandora’s Box really a fair thing to be doing? To her? But especially to himself? When he knew she’d never leave Jim, she’d never do that. So could he cope with just being her escape? If that’s what she really wanted?

  Amber closed her eyes as his lips brushed the back of her neck, sending tiny little tingles up her spine that made her physically shiver. It felt like hundreds of invisible fingers were running up and down her back, and she couldn’t stop a small groan from escaping, it felt so good.

  It was as if she was working on autopilot now as she untied the robe again, this time letting it fall open, keeping her eyes closed as she felt him slowly pull it back off her shoulders, letting it slip to the floor. She kicked it away, putting up no fight as he pulled her back against him, his hands resting on her hips, his mouth kissing her shoulder. It felt like the worst thing in the world she could possibly be doing, yet, at the same time, it felt like the only place in the world she wanted to be. With every touch of his lips, the pain and confusion of the past few days was being washed away, and that was a feeling she was eager to cling onto. Sweeping everything under the carpet and pretending it wasn’t happening wasn’t a long-term option, she knew that. But pushing it aside for a little while was.

  Leaning back against him, her head resting against his shoulder, she bit down on her lip as his hands moved up her body, stroking the curve of her waist, touching her breasts, eliciting small and quiet moans from her as they worked their way back down. She was filled with something she really couldn’t explain – a mixture of overwhelming guilt mixed with an impossible amount of lust. Her whole body felt on fire, burning up with all the conflicting emotion, every right and wrong feeling it was trying to fight clashing head-on in some crazy, erotic battle she couldn’t control. Even though the bigger part of her wanted to. The bigger part of her still couldn’t stop thinking about Jim; the love of her life, the man she would always go back to, she knew that. What had happened between them, was that really something so bad it could actually tear them apart?

  She groaned quietly again as Ronnie stroked her inner thigh, his fingers deliberately staying close to but-not-quite-touching a place she now wasn’t sure she wanted him to touch anymore. But hadn’t they come too far to turn back now? Hadn’t that line already been crossed?

  ‘You need to get naked, too,’ she said, suddenly breaking the spell that had only just started, turning round to face him, something Ronnie hadn’t been expecting. What had he been expecting? A cold reality hit him, although it wasn’t cold enough to make him want her any less. She was standing there in fro
nt of him, naked and beautiful and what was he supposed to do with that image? Go back to the spare room and wank himself to sleep? ‘Because, if you don’t get naked, this isn’t going to work.’

  He pushed a hand through his hair, unable to take his eyes off her. ‘Amber, are you… Jesus, I don’t think I can do this…’ What was he saying? Of course he could do this. What was the matter with him?

  ‘You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,’ she whispered, slowly unbuttoning his shirt, pushing it back off his shoulders until it fell to the floor, a small but sharp intake of breath escaping as she caught sight of his toned chest and stomach. He was still such an attractive man. Karen really had been a fool to let him go.

  ‘I think you know I want to,’ Ronnie said, closing his eyes for a second as she loosened his belt, sliding it off and throwing it down next to his discarded shirt. ‘But what I want doesn’t really come into it.’

  She stood on tiptoe, her mouth resting on his as she spoke, a small smile playing on her lips. ‘Just forget all that, and come into me.’

  ‘Jesus, Amber…’ Ronnie sighed, sliding a hand around her waist, pulling her against him, his erection now straining to be set free.

  ‘It’s too late to stop this now,’ she said, taking a few steps back from him. ‘Isn’t it?’

  He shook his head, his erection now verging on the painful as he watched her touch herself between her legs, a small, quick but deliberate action that told him she was right. It really was too late to stop this now. Or was it? He could just turn and walk away, go back to the spare room and give himself the relief he was going to get somehow tonight, that was the only thing he was certain of right now. That relief was coming, and he would be, too. One way or another.

  ‘Amber, don’t. Don’t, please. I need to… I need to think about this. I need to…’

  She looked at him for a second before opening the drawer of the sideboard beside her, pulling out a short, black negligee, slipping it on over her naked body. Not that it covered much. Ronnie could still see every inch of her through the sheer material. ‘I’m going to the loo,’ she said, her voice purposeful and a little cold. It was up to him to bring her back round, to see this through to the end because, whatever happened tonight, they’d crossed a line. They were over it, it had happened.