‘Because you haven’t given yourself any bloody time to… to deal with stuff…’
‘I don’t need any more time, Ronnie. When Jim gets home, I’ll get everything I’m feeling off my chest, we’ll probably argue, it may get quite heated, but once that’s out of the way we can move on, can’t we? Because that’s what we need to do now. We need to move on.’
‘So you’ve accepted the fact he lied to you about Brandon?’
‘I didn’t say I’d accepted anything. I just don’t want to waste any more time dwelling on things I can’t change, things that are out of my control. Like I said before, it’s pointless. I’m going to get that other bottle of wine.’
Ronnie watched her leave the room, throwing his head back against the cushions of the sofa, sighing heavily. He wasn’t altogether sure that his being there was such a good idea, given the confusion flying round inside his head right now. More than anything he wanted her to be happy, and given the events of the past week he wasn’t entirely sure that she was, despite what she told him. He knew she was only trying to tell him what she thought he wanted to hear, but what he really wanted to hear was something in her voice that told him she was being completely honest with him. And with herself.
‘Here we go,’ she said, throwing herself back down on the sofa beside him. ‘More wine. I knew we had a bottle lying around somewhere.’
‘Amber…’
‘No, Ronnie. I’m not getting into anything deep and meaningful, all right?’
‘You know what, Amber? You’ve spent your whole frigging life sweeping your feelings under the carpet; you pretend they’re not happening, and I really don’t think that’s the way to handle things anymore. Do you?’
‘No. And I’ve told you, when Jim gets home I’ll talk to him.’
‘Does he make you happy?’ Ronnie could have kicked himself. He really hadn’t intended to say that out loud, it was just a thought that had been going round and round inside his head for a while now, and somehow it had just slipped out.
Amber looked at him. ‘I’m always going to be in love with him, Ronnie. You know that.’
‘That isn’t what I asked.’
‘It’s what I’m telling you.’
She turned her head away from him, staring out of the window.
‘What happened in London, Amber. Between us…’
‘Nothing happened, Ronnie. We’ve been over this.’
‘But we haven’t, have we? Not really. And something did happen. Just because we didn’t have sex that doesn’t mean…’
She climbed off the sofa again. ‘Do you fancy something to eat? There’s got to be stuff in the cupboards I can make use of.’
‘Amber…’
He watched her walk out of the room again, but this time he got up and followed her into the kitchen. ‘I’m not hungry, Amber.’
She stopped what she was doing, closing the cupboard door she’d yanked open, almost pulling it off its hinges in the process. ‘No. Neither am I.’ She kept her back to him, looking down at her hands gripping the edge of the countertop in front of her, the sun glinting off her wedding ring, causing her to blink a couple of times as the glare hit her eyes. ‘Is something happening here, Ronnie?’
He said nothing for a second, keeping his hands in his pockets, despite every inch of his being crying out to touch her. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Maybe you should go.’
‘Is that what you want?’
She closed her eyes, exhaling loudly before she finally turned around. ‘I think we both need another drink.’
He looked at her, right at her. Her face was devoid of make-up, which only made her seem more vulnerable, somehow. There was no mask to hide behind. ‘Is that a good idea?’
‘I can’t think of a better one, can you?’
He walked over to her, stopping just in front of her, reaching out to push a strand of damp hair from her shoulder. ‘I want to break so many rules here, Amber, you have no idea. Mainly because I don’t think Jim Allen is good for you, but it isn’t my place to say that, really, is it?’
‘You just have.’
‘Then I guess I’ve already broken rule number one.’
‘You’ve got a list?’
‘As long as your arm, kiddo.’
She looked up into his eyes, not really knowing what she was feeling. She’d known this man for so long – briefly as a lover, but mainly as her friend – and she didn’t want to lose the closeness they’d built up over the years. The thought of him not being around anymore scared her more than anything right now, because she needed him.
‘We’ve already crossed a line,’ he whispered, his fingers lightly stroking her neck, and she closed her eyes, tilting her head so it rested on his hand, enjoying the feeling of calm his touch was giving her. ‘Maybe it’s too late to take that step back now.’
She reached up and put her hand over his, keeping her eyes closed as his fingers slipped between hers, feeling him move closer, his body almost touching hers now.
‘This is wrong,’ she said, finally opening her eyes and looking into his. ‘This shouldn’t be happening.’
‘I know what I’m doing.’
‘Do you? We don’t know what consequences this is going to have, me and you…’
‘Then walk away. I won’t stop you, if that’s what you want to do.’
‘I don’t know what I want, Ronnie.’
‘Do you want to escape?’
She looked at him again, her body suddenly tingling with an anticipation she couldn’t describe. Was it the danger? Was it because this whole situation was so wrong? Or was it the fact that, yes, she did want to escape. From so many things.
‘I don’t know…’
Her heart was beating out of her chest, her stomach tied up in so many knots she wasn’t sure she’d ever lose the nervous feeling it was giving her. She loved Jim, with all of her heart she loved him. Did she trust him? Did she even like him right now? Those were two questions she couldn’t really answer.
She closed her eyes again, the palm of his hand resting on her cheek now, his thumb running lightly over her mouth until she couldn’t take it anymore. She couldn’t fight the feelings that were quite obviously trying to claw their way to the surface. It was wrong, on so many levels, but he was right. They’d already crossed that line. All they were doing now was finishing the job.
‘I’m still your best friend, Amber,’ Ronnie whispered, his mouth almost touching hers as he spoke. ‘That will never, ever change. It’s just that, well, maybe I come with a few more benefits now, that’s all.’
She couldn’t help smiling, not even trying to stop him as he unzipped her shorts, nudging them down until they fell to the floor, and whilst half of her still didn’t think she should even be contemplating doing this, the other half was too far down that wrong and dangerous road to turn back. She needed a fantasy, some kind of escape, and who better to take her there than a man she trusted beyond anyone else, even her own father. A man she cared deeply about. A man who would never hurt her.
‘This is so wrong,’ she moaned, her eyes still closed as his lips brushed the base of her throat, his hands pushing her t-shirt up over her breasts, exposing them, touching them, sending her heartbeat racing through the roof. ‘So, so wrong.’
‘Which makes it all the more exciting.’ He smiled, pushing her back against the counter. ‘Don’t you think?’
She didn’t know what to think anymore. She was about to step into a world she’d never entered before – one of deception and betrayal; a world of charged emotions and endless confusion, where friendship and sex merged together and lines were crossed, causing actions that could never be erased. She was married. She had a husband – but her husband was a man who’d deceived her, a man who’d betrayed her in the past. So was this nothing more than some kind of payback? A revenge he’d never know about? Something to make her feel better? Whatever it was, it was too late to stop it. It was way too late.
She opened h
er eyes and looked straight at Ronnie, all those doubts and feelings of guilt now pushed aside to be replaced by a feeling of freedom, of laid-bare lust; of escape.
‘Our secret,’ she whispered, pulling her t-shirt off over her head before pulling him against her by his shirt.
‘Our secret,’ he repeated, quickly freeing himself before lifting her up onto the countertop, her legs wrapping themselves around his hips as he pushed into her, taking her hard, almost as if he was desperate to make that move before she changed her mind. And it hurt, both physically and emotionally. But it was a beautiful pain, so different to anything she’d felt before. Another reminder of how this man could make her feel, if she let him.
Burying her face in his hair, she clung onto him tightly, wishing it wasn’t going to be over with as quickly as she knew it was going to be, because she could already feel his body tensing up, his thrusts becoming harder and faster. But maybe that was for the best. Jim could still come home at any minute, for any reason, and things were complicated enough without this adding to it.
‘Oh, Jesus…’ she groaned as he finally exploded inside her, filling her with a warmth and a calm and feelings of guilt that she couldn’t push down. It felt so beautiful, so right, but it was the wrong thing to have done. It was wrong. She might have been able to kid herself that they’d done nothing to be worried about before, but now she’d lost that luxury.
‘Are you okay?’ Ronnie whispered, easing himself out of her slowly before gently lifting her down from the counter.
She nodded, pulling her shorts back on, unable to meet his eyes for a few seconds. Her thighs were still tingling from where he’d been between them, her skin still sensitive to the touch, her head a mess of confusion. ‘I’m fine.’
‘Amber…’
His hand fell onto her hip, sliding down her still-open shorts and she closed her eyes, welcoming the kiss he gave her, not stopping him as his hand wandered round to rest on her bottom, pushing her half-naked body back against his.
In that instant she felt something hit her – like a bolt from the blue, and it did nothing to ease the confusion or the guilt or the huge, complicated mess that was about to ensue. But she wanted it. She needed him. Her best friend. He’d let her be the person she needed to be; when she was with him she’d be able to escape the confusion and the guilt and the problems she should be working through with her husband, and she would. She would work through them. When she was ready. But, right now, she didn’t really know who she was anymore. She’d wanted to be Mrs. Jim Allen – wife, sports reporter; working mum. But she wasn’t, was she? Because two out of three just wasn’t cutting it when the most important piece of the puzzle would always be missing. Always.
‘I really need you right now, Ronnie.’ She looked up into his eyes, wishing they were back in London, alone, without any of the problems being back up north brought with it. ‘But I really don’t want to hurt you, and if this…’
‘Sshh…’ He pressed his fingers against her mouth, shaking his head. ‘I know what I’m doing, Amber. I told you that.’
‘I feel so guilty,’ she whispered, closing her eyes as he kissed her neck, his thumb stroking her cheek. ‘I shouldn’t be… There’s Jim, and…’
‘Just promise me one thing, Amber,’ Ronnie said, burying his fingers in her hair as he stared deep into her eyes. ‘We don’t talk about him when we’re fucking, okay?’
She couldn’t help smiling. ‘Can you promise me one thing, too? Promise me we can have fun. Because I really need to have some fun. That’s all I really want right now. Do you understand, Ronnie?’
‘I can give you fun. I can give you any kind of fun you like.’ He smiled, too, before bending his head to cover one of her breasts with his mouth, the feel of his tongue as it circled her nipple sending her stomach flipping over a million times as she pushed her breasts up at him, wanting him to touch her some more, needing to feel him on her – in her. She wanted this man in so many ways; all of a sudden she needed to experience things she’d never really wanted to try before, because she’d never needed to. Jim had been enough. But he wasn’t what she needed right now. He wasn’t. He was what she wanted, she couldn’t deny that. Jim Allen was the only man she’d ever really been in love with, despite what she’d once thought she’d felt for Ryan. But she needed Ronnie. She needed this.
‘You should go.’ She finally found the strength to push him away, reaching down to pick her t-shirt up off the floor, pulling it down over her head, bringing to an end whatever had just happened. ‘Jim could be home any minute.’
‘I thought he had a meeting with the club sponsors,’ Ronnie said, pushing both hands through his hair.
‘He does. But that doesn’t mean he couldn’t come home any second. What if he’s forgotten something? What if he pops home before the meeting?’
Ronnie frowned slightly, sticking his hands in his pockets. ‘You trying to get rid of me? I mean, it’s not unusual for Jim to come home and find me here with you, is it? I’m your friend…’
‘We’ve just had sex, Ronnie.’ She walked over to him, taking his hand and sliding it up underneath her t-shirt, placing it on her breast. ‘Wonderful, incredible sex.’ Her mouth was almost touching his as she spoke, her heart beating hard and fast again. How could she suddenly want to be so close to this man? So close his body was deep inside hers, and just thinking about that had started a tingle in her thighs she knew she’d have to sort out on her own once he was gone. ‘Sex I want to experience again, and again.’
‘Jesus-fucking-Christ, Amber…’ Ronnie groaned, unable to stop his erection from returning – how could he? He had his hand on her breast, her mouth was touching his, and he knew that if he could just feel between her legs she’d still be soaking wet. And he wanted her, in ways he just couldn’t explain. ‘This is crazy…’
‘I know. I know it’s crazy, but we’ve started something now, haven’t we? We’ve opened the floodgates and I can’t shut them, Ronnie. Not yet. I don’t want to.’
‘Are you sure?’ he whispered. ‘Really sure? Because…’
‘I’m as sure as I can be, given the circumstances.’
He took her hand, his fingers sliding between hers as their mouths touched, moving against the others in a slow, gentle rhythm, tongues touching, hearts racing. ‘That’ll do for me.’
‘Can I see you tomorrow?’
‘You’ve never bothered to ask permission before.’ He smiled, wanting so much to pull those shorts of hers down again and spend some more time inside her. He wanted to touch her, to taste her, to do things he’d never even thought of before. Because he’d never had the chance to? Whatever the reason, he hoped he was going to have that chance now. For however long it might last.
‘Well, I don’t just want to come round and help you organise your DVD collection, do I?’
‘So, I’ve lost you as my unpaid slave, is that it?’
She smiled, too, her heart still beating out of control, leaving her almost breathless. ‘I can still be your slave,’ she whispered. ‘If you want me to be.’
‘For fuck’s sake, Amber… Where the hell did you learn to talk like that? I’ll be lucky if this fucking hard-on goes down before bedtime.’
She smiled again, every inch of her just wanting to get naked with him and fuck to forget, because that’s what she was doing – what they were both doing. Fucking to forget the shit that was happening in their lives. His ex-wife was having another man’s baby, and she couldn’t have the baby she so desperately wanted with the man she loved. It was one huge, hot mess that was only going to get bigger. She knew that, he knew that. And it didn’t seem as though either of them were ready to do anything about it.
Chapter Fifteen
‘Do you fancy eating out tonight?’ Ellen watched Ryan as he tapped out yet another message on his mobile phone.
‘Hmm? Sorry? Did you say something?’ Ryan looked up, totally unaware that she’d been talking to him. He didn’t even know how long she’d been there
. He’d thought she was in the bath.
‘I really can’t be bothered to cook anything, Ryan, so are we going out to eat? Or shall I just ring for a takeaway?’
Ryan frowned slightly, turning his attention back to his phone. The way she was talking you’d think she’d moved herself in. Mind you, he was almost sure that was her intention. If she hung around long enough would he finally get the message and ask her to live with him? Is that what she was trying to do? Was she trying to wear him down? That was never going to happen. Not just yet, anyway. Who knew how he’d feel after a few months away from the North East, because, despite what Max and Jim might think, he was serious about taking a break from Newcastle Red Star. But he might as well keep his options open as far as Ellen was concerned. She’d put up with everything he’d thrown at her up to now, all he needed to do was make sure he didn’t push her too far. He never knew when he might need her.
‘Ryan? Are you gonna answer me?’
‘Jesus, all right! Yes, okay, we’ll go out. Happy now?’ He threw his phone down on the sofa beside him and stood up, looking at her. ‘Well? Are you coming or not?’
She stared back at him, and he immediately changed tack. He could see how upset she was and he didn’t want to do that to her. She didn’t deserve that. Just because he wasn’t feeling on top of the world didn’t mean he had to drag her down with him.
He sat down next to her, taking her hand, leaning forward to quickly kiss her. She didn’t respond, so he tried again, kissing her a little harder and a little longer, running his fingers lightly up and down her arm until she couldn’t help but smile at him. ‘I’m sorry, babe. Okay? I’m just a bit… a bit stressed, that’s all.’
‘Anything I can help with?’ she asked, running her fingers through his unruly dark hair.
‘Oh, I’m sure you can help with plenty, gorgeous. But I thought you were hungry.’
‘I can wait.’ She smiled, starting to unfasten the belt on his jeans, sliding it off and throwing it down on the floor. ‘Why don’t we get the starters out of the way first, huh?’
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