He grinned, all thoughts of Amber, Max, and his surprise loan request suddenly fading into the background. He really should start treating Ellen a lot better, considering how good she was for him. Without her, he’d have gone crazy these past couple of months. ‘Ellen…’
‘Yes?’
Maybe he hadn’t been able to put everything to the back of his mind quite as easily as he’d thought he had, because now he had a ridiculous urge to tell her everything. ‘Nothing. It doesn’t matter,’ he said, shaking his head, pulling himself back from the brink of involving her in something she didn’t need to know anything about just yet. Why let her think he could be leaving her behind when he didn’t even know if it would happen? Wanting it to, and knowing it definitely was were two completely different things at the minute, so maybe it was best to leave her out of it until he knew what was going on.
‘You sure? You looked like you were going to tell me something there.’
He felt his heart sink as he caught the expression on her face – one of hope and excitement. Had she thought he’d been going to ask her to move in with him? Shit! He really wasn’t helping matters.
‘It can wait,’ he said, looking down at his hand holding hers, feeling her loosen her grip the second those words had come out of his mouth.
‘Come on, then.’ She let go of him, her mood turning almost business-like as she stood up, grabbing her handbag from the table beside the sofa. ‘Let’s go and get something to eat, before I lose my appetite.’
Ryan watched her walk out into the hall, throwing himself back against the sofa cushions, closing his eyes and sighing heavily. Yeah. He really had to get out of here for a while. There was way too much going on for him to even begin to get his head around any of it.
Reaching over to grab his phone, he sat up, leaning forward as he scrolled through his contact list, stopping at a number he’d called regularly over the past few weeks.
‘Ryan!’ Ellen shouted through from the hall, her voice carrying more than a hint of impatience now. Did he really need this shit?
‘Two minutes, babe! Just got to make a phone call!’ It made no sense to aggravate her any more tonight.
‘I’ll wait for you outside. Don’t be long.’
‘Yeah, okay…’ He’d be as long as it took. This needed sorting, soon, before he lost his chance. ‘Oh, hi. Can I speak to Bennie, please?’ He closed his eyes as he listened to the voice on the other end of the line. ‘Yeah… Tell him it’s Ryan – Ryan Fisher. I’m returning his call.’
The wheels were well and truly in motion now, and he had no intention of slowing them down.
Amber heard the front door shut downstairs and she tried to stop the feeling of nausea rising up in her, the guilt she felt still overwhelming her. Yet she wasn’t sorry it had happened. Every time she thought about Ronnie touching her, his body filling hers with a feeling she really couldn’t explain, she felt something inside her almost cut loose, relax. She felt a happiness she hadn’t felt in a while. Although she wasn’t stupid or naive to think it was anything other than actions undertook to mask everything else she was really feeling but didn’t have the strength to face up to just yet.
She sat up on the bed, crossing her legs underneath her as Jim ran up the stairs. It was late, far later than she’d expected him to be home and she wondered whether he was just as unwilling to open discussions on everything they needed to talk about as much as she was. Had he deliberately stayed out rather than come home to her?
Looking up as he finally walked into their bedroom, she couldn’t help but notice the slightly agitated expression on his face.
‘I see you’ve decided to do the photo shoot for Ice Magazine after all,’ he said, throwing his jacket over the chair by the door.
She continued to watch him as he moved around the room, taking his watch off and placing it down on the chest of drawers. She didn’t say anything.
‘And then I find out from the PR Department that the photo shoot is actually taking place inside Tynebridge.’ He turned to look at her. ‘My place of work, Amber. And you didn’t think to tell me any of this?’
Still she said nothing.
‘You know, it really would be nice if I could try and not be the last person to know what’s going on in your life.’
She stared at him, her eyes never wavering from his. ‘Ditto, Jim.’
He held her gaze for a few seconds longer before turning away, walking into the en-suite, closing the door behind him. Amber lay back on the bed, flinging her arms up above her head as she stared at the ceiling. There were so many things they needed to say to each other, but it didn’t look like any of them were going to be said tonight. It was late, he was obviously in a mood, and she had so many things on her mind she couldn’t think straight. Maybe it would be better just to close her eyes and let sleep take over, start a new day tomorrow and see what that might bring, although she knew it would bring her more time with Ronnie, which, in reality, wasn’t unusual. They always spent time together when they were in the same part of the country. But things had changed slightly. Their relationship had shifted somewhat, taken a wrong turn and ended up on the sexual side of the tracks, and even though she didn’t want to feel the things she was feeling now, they were there. Those feelings were there, and fighting them wasn’t something she was prepared to do just yet.
As her fingers gripped the pillows under her head, she smiled to herself, loving the tingling feeling that swept across her body as she remembered Ronnie’s touch; his fingers on her skin, his lips brushing over her neck, kissing her breasts. It was all she could do to stop the moans from escaping, so vivid were the memories.
‘I’m sorry.’
She quickly opened her eyes as the spell was broken, sitting up and hugging her knees to her chest as she looked at her husband – handsome and tired, and all of a sudden a whole new rush of feelings overtook her. All the guilt and the confusion and the emptiness she felt inside just overwhelmed her and this time it was tears that threatened to escape as the weak and needy Amber returned.
‘Me too,’ she whispered, allowing him to pull her against him, enveloping her in a hug she badly needed. ‘Things are just so crazy right now, Jim. I don’t even know where to start.’
He tilted her chin up so she had no choice but to look at him, kissing her quickly. A familiar kiss. A kiss that, in its own way, induced a feeling of calm.
‘I just wish you’d talk to me, Amber,’ Jim said, his thumb gently stroking her knuckles, his eyes watching as it did so. ‘When you walked out on me…’
‘I didn’t walk out on you, Jim.’
‘That’s what it felt like.’
She pulled free from him, getting up and walking over to the window, looking out, even though it was dark now. The window was slightly open, so she could still hear the sea, and that in itself proved to be yet another one of those necessary calming influences. ‘I guess I’m not as strong as I always thought I was,’ she said quietly, her eyes focusing on a light way off in the distance that probably belonged to a faraway ship out in the North Sea. It was somewhere she quite fancied being now – far away, from everything she was still too weak, too scared to face up to.
‘You’re still acting like this is something you have to go through alone.’ Jim walked up behind her, his arms circling her waist and she let herself fall back against him. ‘We’ll get through it together, baby. You and me.’
She closed her eyes, trying to block out those thoughts of Ronnie as Jim’s fingers gently stroked her hips in a slow, rhythmic motion. And all of a sudden that raw and burning pain of knowing she would never be a mum to this man’s child crept up out of that dark hiding place she’d put it in, all hopes that it would stay quiet and forgotten dashed as just feeling him this close to her in this situation tore into her heart like a jagged dagger. She knew they weren’t rational feelings, she knew that. She knew that she was making everything so much worse than it needed to be, but that was how she was feeling right now. Those w
ere the feelings that had taken over and suddenly it felt as though she was back in that clinic, listening to those words all over again. Words that had changed her life and ended her perfect dream.
‘It hurts so bad, Jim,’ she whispered, turning round to face him, tears streaming down her face.
‘I know, honey.’ He reached out to gently stroke those tears away, his lips moving over her damp cheek until they finally reached her mouth. And what else could she do but lose herself in him? Lose herself in the moment. She just wanted to be held, that was all. She didn’t want him to make love to her, or touch her in any way that involved anything that could lead to sex. She didn’t want that, not tonight. He was her husband, and she just wanted him to hold her. But it seemed he had other ideas.
‘No, Jim. Not tonight.’ She pulled away from him, backing off towards the bed. ‘I’m really tired. It’s been a long day.’
He looked at her, not missing the slightly defensive stance she was giving off, her arms folded tight across her chest. ‘Is something wrong, Amber? I mean, what am I supposed to think when this morning you walk into my office and demand sex like we’re in some kind of cheap porn movie…’
‘Is that what you really think of me, Jim? Is that really how this morning felt to you?’
‘No, I didn’t… Amber, listen…’
She laughed, her eyes staring straight at him. ‘Seriously?’
‘No… Look, sweetheart, what am I supposed to think, huh? One minute you’re devastated because you can’t have kids and the next you’re opening your legs and acting like that shit never happened.’
‘That shit? Jesus…’
‘And this Ice Magazine shoot… What the fuck is that all about? You didn’t want to do it, I heard you talking to Max. You were adamant. What the hell changed your mind?’
‘Do you care?’
‘I’m a respected man, Amber. Do you honestly think I want to see my wife on the front of some men’s magazine with her tits out? Do you think I want everyone looking at you like that? Act like you care, Amber. Act like you want all this crap to get sorted, because I don’t think you do care right now, honey. Act like you give a shit about everything we have and then maybe, just maybe, we can start to work out where we go from here.’
She said nothing, letting his words sink in for a few seconds. ‘Act like I care…’ she repeated, speaking the words slowly, her eyes still on his. ‘You… you think I don’t care? Is that it?’
‘It’s how it seems to me, Amber. Because you haven’t been here. Do you have any idea how selfish that was? Just upping and leave me like that? That news fucked with my head, too, you know. It fucked with my head, too.’
She continued to stare at him, feeling the mess that had already started to evolve unravel even further, gathering speed as it went. ‘I think you need to realise that your secrets helped a situation already teetering on the edge move closer to freefall. Did you ever think about that, Jim?’
‘For Christ’s sake… I sat and watched you interview him, Amber. My son. You sat there on live TV and you interviewed him, so why are you standing there telling me you still can’t get your head around his existence?’
‘Oh, my head is fine with the fact he exists, Jim. I don’t have a problem with the fact he’s here. I spent a bit of time with him after that interview and he’s a good kid. No, he’s a great kid. What I have the problem with is that you saw fit to hide his existence from me – from everyone. That’s where my problem lies. And then, just a day later, to find out that not only will I never be the first woman to have your child, but that child will never actually exist. Our child will never exist. Now, hearing that news alone would have been bad enough, but to hear it just one day after finding out my husband already has a son was something my head is still trying to get around, so don’t you dare stand there and tell me I don’t care. Don’t you fucking dare.’
‘Amber…’
‘No, Jim. I’ve had enough for one night.’
‘We need to talk…’
‘And like I predicted this morning, talking has only ended up in us fighting. And I’m too tired to fight.’
‘Is this the way it’s gonna be from now on? Everything on your terms? We talk about it only when you feel like it? You don’t think I might want to talk about it now? You’re being incredibly selfish again, Amber…’
‘Selfish?’ She let out another cynical laugh, turning away from him to grab an overnight bag from the bottom of the wardrobe. ‘Well, I guess that makes us two of a kind, then, doesn’t it?’
‘Jesus, Amber, come on. This is stupid. Where the hell are you gonna go at this time of night?’
‘Does it matter?’
‘Of course it fucking matters. Will you stop acting like a child and just calm down?’
She swung round to face him, throwing her robe off and pulling on jeans and a shirt, running her fingers through her hair. ‘This is not going to get any better if I stay here tonight, Jim. And you know that.’
‘I don’t want you to go, Amber. Walking away again isn’t going to solve anything, this is ridiculous.’
She sat down on the bed, dropping her head into her hands as tiredness swept through her, taking over her whole body so fast it was as if someone had just waved a magic wand and cast some sort of spell over her. All she wanted to do now was close her eyes and let sleep take over.
‘Amber?’
She opened her eyes to see him crouched down in front of her, watching as his fingers slid between hers, and she didn’t pull away. She didn’t think she had the strength left to even try.
‘We will work this out, baby.’
All she could do was nod. She was too tired, too emotional to even think about speaking. All she wanted to do was sleep, and tomorrow she’d let Ronnie take away all the pain. Tomorrow. A day that couldn’t come quick enough.
Chapter Sixteen
‘What the hell is the matter with you?’
Jim looked up as Max stormed into his office at Tynebridge. Sitting back in his chair, he folded his arms, smiling slightly, not in the least bit taken aback by Max’s unannounced and rather loud entrance. ‘Something I can help you with, Max?’
‘You’ve been talking to CD Adeje, is that right?’
Jim sat even further back in his chair, swinging his feet up onto the desk. ‘I may have spoken to their Director of Football in a brief conversation, yes.’
‘About Ryan?’
‘He’s a very determined young man, Max, I’ll give him that.’
‘And you’re actually thinking about letting him go? Seriously?’
‘I’m thinking about loaning him out. He isn’t going anywhere on a permanent basis, and he knows that.’
‘You’re letting personal feelings get in the way of your professional life, Jim. And that’s a dangerous thing to be doing.’
Jim sat up straight, staring at Max. ‘If I don’t hear him out, Max, he is going to go above my head, and what then, huh?’
‘He gets knocked back. Jesus Christ, Jim, come on! You’re better than this. You’re really going to do what he wants? You’re going to let him get away with that?’
‘I’m not letting him get away with anything. I’m simply sorting out a situation that will only get worse if I don’t listen to him. He wants to do this and…’
‘You’re letting personal feelings get in the way, Jim.’
Jim just stared at Max, saying nothing.
‘And you really think you can get the board of directors here to agree to loaning Ryan out?’ Max already knew the answer to that. Jim Allen could do anything he set his mind to, if he wanted it badly enough.
‘A lot of players would give their eye teeth to have a spell playing in the Spanish league. It’s one of the best football leagues in the world, so think of it as an unexpected chance for him to showcase his talents. After all, who knows what the future might hold for him.’
‘I don’t believe you…’
Jim stood up, walking round the front of
his desk. ‘Look, Max, all I know is that he wants to go, for whatever reason. And I’m not entirely sure it’s all to do with my wife. I think he’s unsettled, that’s all. After everything he went through last season I suspect he just needs some time to get his head around everything. And being here, in the North East, it isn’t helping him do that.’
‘You sound almost sympathetic towards him.’
‘He’s an incredible footballer. And I’d hate to see that talent go to waste.’
‘And that’s your real motive for wanting him out of the picture for a while, is it?’
Jim narrowed his eyes as he looked at Max. ‘I don’t want him “out of the picture”, as you put it. As manager of this club I don’t want him to go anywhere. Why would I want that?’
‘Because of Amber.’
Jim said nothing, just fixed Max with a look before walking back behind his desk.
‘He’s trying to sort himself out, Max, that’s obvious. But he’s still a loose cannon, although I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that. I don’t want him going off the rails again.’
‘You think there’s a risk of that?’
‘I don’t know,’ Jim replied, looking straight at Max. ‘Do you?’
Max sat down on the arm of the sofa. ‘I thought he was getting back on track, I really did. But he’s obviously decided he doesn’t want to share these latest plans of his with me.’
‘Because he knows you’re against it.’
‘With good reason. This is completely out of character for him.’
‘You think so?’ Jim asked, raising an eyebrow. ‘I’d say it was typical Ryan Fisher. Acting without really thinking things through.’
Max looked at Jim as he sat back down. ‘I know you, Jim. I know what you’re capable of, and I know the contacts you have. I just didn’t think you’d ever use them to the detriment of your own club.’
Once again, Jim said nothing, turning his attention back to whatever was on his laptop screen.
‘Jesus, Jim… You’re playing a very dangerous game here.’
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