‘Why?’
‘Because I want you to.’
‘Do you?’
She paused for a second. Big mistake.
He reached out and untied her dress again, this time helping it to fall open, pushing it back off her shoulders until it fell to the floor. She made no attempt to kick it away, her eyes not leaving his as he slipped an arm around her waist, pulling her against him, and it wasn’t until her almost naked skin touched his that she felt herself give in totally, even though there was still a part of her that knew this was the worst idea in the world. She hadn’t had sex in weeks, but that was because she only really wanted sex with one man – her husband. She only wanted Jim. So why was she here with Ryan? Yeah. The worst idea in the world.
‘If it means I can have just one more minute inside you, Amber, then pretend I’m him,’ Ryan whispered, his mouth almost touching hers, his fingers sliding the straps of her bra down over her shoulders. ‘If that’s what it takes, I can live with that.’
She closed her eyes, throwing her head back as his mouth kissed the base of her throat, so lightly it made her heart jump and her stomach leap around like it was on some kind of internal trampoline. It sent waves of forbidden pleasure she didn’t really want to feel coursing through her at a speed that left her breathless. The room was still spinning, and this time she wasn’t entirely sure it had everything to do with the alcohol.
What was she supposed to do? Was she too far over the line to step back now? Or could she, quite easily – if she really wanted to – just walk away? She knew she could. Of course she could. She just wasn’t sure she had the energy or the will to fight this now.
‘I don’t want you to love me, Ryan.’
‘You don’t get to make that decision.’ His hands were now back on her hips, his fingers playing with the sides of her panties as his lips touched hers ever so lightly, barely kissing her, but touching them enough to send a bolt of electricity through her that almost sobered her up immediately. ‘Just one more time, Amber. Then I promise, I promise you, baby, I’ll leave you alone. I won’t be here, will I? You don’t need to see me, because I won’t be here.’
‘It shouldn’t be like this,’ she groaned, keeping her eyes closed as she felt him sink to his haunches, slowly pulling her panties down until she had no option left but to step out of them, guilt hitting her head-on like an express train at full speed. ‘It shouldn’t be like this.’
‘Keep your eyes closed,’ he whispered, his mouth back resting on hers, his fingers finally unclipping her bra, tossing it aside before lowering his head to kiss her naked breasts – first one, then the other. ‘It’s too late now, Amber. We’re here, we’re at that point of no return so just close your eyes and pretend I’m him.’
She shook her head, trying to cling onto a strength she didn’t really have anymore. She was too tired, too drunk, too confused to fight it. It was wrong, but it was happening. Another mistake to add to the growing pile she was fast accumulating. ‘Ryan, I can’t…’ But she could. She could do anything she wanted, and right now, she wanted this. She didn’t want him, not really. She hadn’t wanted Ryan Fisher back in her life for a long time. But she wanted this, this release, those few minutes of letting nothing else matter except what was happening inside her. She’d deal with the fallout in the morning. ‘I can’t…’ she whispered, before finally giving in, letting her body fall against him, familiar feelings rushing forward, overwhelming her, taking over, whether she wanted them to or not.
He felt so different to Jim. That was the one thing she remembered more than anything – how different he was to Jim. His touch, his kiss, the way he held her, it was all so different. And she couldn’t shake those thoughts of her husband from her mind as Ryan lifted her up, her legs automatically wrapping themselves around his hips as he held onto her so tight. She wanted Jim, she needed Jim, but she was here, with Ryan, about to cross another forbidden boundary that she was only going to regret in a few hours’ time, but what could she do? He was pushing inside her now, she could feel him, hard and ready, and she hadn’t exactly put up much of a fight, had she? She’d let him in, given him that permission he’d needed to take another piece of her away with him, and leave her with – what? Regret? Guilt? Hope?
And then, before she’d even had a chance to get her head around what was happening, he withdrew, gently putting her down.
‘Ryan? What’s…?’
‘You’re right. It shouldn’t be like this.’ He rested his forehead against hers, his fingers lightly stroking her face. ‘You deserve more than a quick fuck up against the bathroom wall.’
‘Maybe it’s for the best,’ she whispered, taking his hand and holding onto it. ‘This was never meant to happen, Ryan. Me and you, we were over.’
‘Were?’
‘You’re with Ellen now.’
He threw back his head, sighing heavily. ‘No, Amber. No, I’m not. I was never really with Ellen.’
‘Then you need to tell her that, before you break her heart. And you should tell her before tomorrow. How you’ve managed to keep all this a secret from her when she works in the PR Department is beyond me…’
‘She organises the press conferences, Amber. She doesn’t always know what they’re going to be about.’
‘And you’ve made sure that’s the case with this one, huh?’
He looked at her, smiling slightly. ‘You’re killing my hard-on with this conversation, do you know that?’
‘Well, like I said, maybe that’s for the best.’ She smiled back, letting go of his hand and walking away, out into the bedroom.
He watched her, scared to turn away in case she covered that naked body up, which was the last thing he wanted her to do. She looked hot; so fucking hot with that lightly tanned skin, those super-sexy hips, those long, toned legs. And she’d kept those heels on, just like he’d wanted her to, making this whole situation one he couldn’t walk away from as he felt those urges, that never-gone need to have her rising up again. Talking about Ellen may have dampened his ardour slightly, but it hadn’t got rid of it altogether. How could it? When the most beautiful woman in football was here, with him, naked and there for the taking. No matter what else she thought was going to happen tonight, he was going to make love to her one last time. That was a given.
‘Amber?’
She turned around, running her hands through her hair as she looked at him, her legs slightly apart, which only made his need for her grow even more.
‘I meant what I said.’
‘You’ve said a lot of things tonight, Ryan, so you’re gonna have to elaborate on that one I’m afraid.’
‘I’m still in love with you.’
She looked away, reaching over to the bed to pick up a towel she’d thrown on there after her earlier shower, but he was quicker than her, grabbing her wrist to stop her from taking it. ‘I don’t want to hear you say that anymore, Ryan.’ Her eyes met his, boring right into them. ‘Do you hear me?’
‘I can’t change the way I feel, Amber. I’ve tried, don’t think I haven’t tried. But I can’t switch those feelings off, and I can’t walk away without knowing what you feel like just one more time.’
‘That isn’t fair. On either of us.’
‘Who said life was fair? We spend most of the time dodging the shit and hoping that, somewhere along the line, we end up with something worth wading through the crap for.’
‘Have you any idea how selfish that sounds? Coming from someone like you? Someone with a dream career, the world at his feet; more money than he could ever need…’
‘Money doesn’t buy you happiness, Amber. And that’s one cliché I truly fucking believe.’
She stared at him. ‘What do you want, Ryan? What do you really want?’
‘I think you already know the answer to that.’
She couldn’t break the stare, even though she wanted to. ‘Well, we can’t always have what we want, can we?’
Still her eyes bored into his, his hand gripping
her wrist, an energy fizzing between them that neither of them could explain, but they felt it. Both of them. They felt it.
‘What happens in this room, Amber, it stays in this room.’
‘Because it’s that easy, isn’t it?’ Amber said, finally pulling her wrist free from his grip.
He shook his head, sticking his hands back in his pockets. ‘Nobody said any of this was going to be easy.’
‘Any of what, Ryan? I don’t even know what we’re doing in here, where any of this came from…’ She grabbed the towel off the bed and wrapped it around herself. ‘You really need to go.’
‘I can’t,’ he said, his voice so quiet Amber had to strain to hear it. ‘I can’t leave it like this, Amber. If I walk out of this room, leaving things the way they are now, I’m never going to be able to get my head straight…’
‘No. No, don’t you dare stand there and blame me for the fact you still can’t sort yourself out. That isn’t fair. This has got nothing to do with me now, Ryan. Nothing. I can’t be there to hold your hand, not this time. And you will not make me feel responsible for the fact you think the only way you can sort yourself out is to leave the fucking country.’ She turned away from him, grabbing her make-up wipes from the bedside table and pushing past him, back into the bathroom. ‘You really need to go.’
He hung his head, his hands still in his pockets. ‘Is that what you really want?’
She looked at him, waiting until he lifted his head, their eyes meeting again. ‘What I want, Ryan, is to get some normality back into my life. I want my husband back, I want my home back…’ She trailed off, placing her hands on the edge of the sink as she looked down, a sudden feeling of loss for something she’d never actually had sweeping over her. A familiar feeling. A feeling she’d experienced so many times over the past few months. ‘I want a baby, Ryan. That’s all I really want. I want my husband, and I want his baby.’ She looked back up, his eyes still on her, the expression on his face changing as he saw the pain in her eyes. ‘I want Jim’s baby. And it’s the one thing I can’t fucking have.’
‘Oh, Jesus, Amber…’ He ran over to her and she fell into his arms, both of them sinking to the floor. The tears came out of nowhere, streaming down her face like a never-ending waterfall, a rush of emotions so strong overwhelming her she couldn’t breathe. The intensity of the sobs racking her body was making her breathless, something so raw washing over her in waves of pain so brutal she just wanted to curl up into a ball and lock herself away from the world until it all subsided. Because it would. This had happened before, and it would happen again, she just had to ride the wave and wait for it to pass.
She pulled away from him and sat back against the bathroom wall, looking up at the ceiling, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry, it’s just… it comes and goes, you know? These feelings. And the drink doesn’t help.’
Ryan sat back next to her, pulling his knees up. ‘I don’t suppose I’ve helped much either. Have I?’
She didn’t reply, just looked down at her hands that were balled into tight fists. ‘It’s like there’s this huge, empty space inside me that’ll never be filled. I’ve learnt to put it away at the back of my mind, learnt to live with it…’ She looked at him, and neither of them could help smiling. ‘I haven’t really, though, have I?’
‘I never thought you wanted to be a mum that bad,’ Ryan said, reaching out to take her hand. An almost involuntary action, but one she didn’t seem to mind as she let him wrap his fingers around hers. And it felt good – just holding her hand.
Amber shrugged. ‘I don’t suppose I did. Not in the past, anyway.’
‘Did you ever think me and you…? I mean…’
She smiled again, squeezing his hand. ‘No. Not really. You don’t strike me as daddy material.’
‘Gee, thanks, babe,’ he laughed.
Amber rested her head on his shoulder, giving in to the spinning room and the tears that were still falling silently down her face. ‘We were never really in a position to even think about that kind of shift in our relationship, Ryan. I’m not saying you won’t be a great dad, though. One day.’
‘Yeah,’ he sighed. ‘Maybe.’
She looked up at him, letting him wipe away her tears with his thumb. ‘You never know, if you and Ellen can make a go of things…’
‘There is no me and Ellen, Amber. And I know I’ve messed up yet another relationship, but…’
‘If you’re going to end it with her just because of me, then don’t, Ryan. Please. Give it a go with her, see what happens.’
‘I can’t. I can’t do that. It wouldn’t be fair on her.’
‘And you think you’ve been fair on her so far?’
He squeezed her hand again, his eyes looking deep into hers. ‘I can’t be with anyone right now, Amber. I’m not strong enough. I don’t want the responsibility. That’s why I need to get away from here.’
‘To run away, you mean. Isn’t that what you’re really doing?’
He shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Maybe. But maybe that’s what I need to do. And anyway, isn’t that what you’re doing? Aren’t you running away from things, too?’
She looked down at their joined hands, uncurling her fingers from around his but he stopped her, clinging onto her tighter, refusing to let her go.
‘Let’s make a promise, Amber. Let’s promise ourselves that we’ll have tonight – we’ll stay with each other, we’ll talk to each other, and tomorrow we’ll start putting our lives in some kind of order. How does that sound?’
She looked at him, her eyes searching his handsome face, the heat of his body warm against hers, and every alarm bell inside of her was ringing out as loud as it possibly could. But still she felt herself giving in, against all her better judgement, she could feel it happening.
‘I need to make love to you, Amber. I need that like you wouldn’t believe. But tomorrow… tomorrow we start again. I’ll be moving abroad for a while, and you’ll be here, getting on with your life.’ His fingers lightly stroked her cheek, his mouth close to hers as he spoke, and she hadn’t even realised that he’d pulled the towel she’d had wrapped around her away from her body. She was naked again, and way too close to a man who’d caused her nothing but trouble in the past. But then, couldn’t the same be said about Jim? And he was still causing her trouble now.
Pushing all thoughts of Jim to the back of her mind, she reached out and gently touched Ryan’s slightly open mouth, her eyes following her fingertips as they traced his perfect lips, putting up no fight as he pulled her astride him.
‘One more night, Amber,’ he whispered, lifting her up slightly so he could free himself, before gently lowering her back down. ‘That’s all I want. Just one more night.’
She closed her eyes, burying her face in his dark, messed-up hair as she felt him slowly push into her. And she accepted him, pushing herself down onto him, throwing her head back as he hit that spot that told her he was deep inside her now. There really was no going back.
His legs were still pulled up slightly, and she rested against them, arching her back, keeping her eyes closed – to ease the guilt? – as he covered her breasts in tiny kisses, his tongue flicking over her nipples, sending her whole body into spasms of something she couldn’t even explain, all she knew was that it felt incredible. Why did everything that was so wrong feel so good?
‘I want to look at you,’ he whispered, gently pushing her head down so her mouth was on his. ‘All of you. Inside and out, I want to look at it all.’
‘Ryan…’
He slowly pulled out of her, pushing himself up onto his feet before lifting her up, and she clung onto him, her arms around his neck, her legs wrapped around his waist as he carried her over to the bed. He lay her down gently, and she closed her eyes again, throwing her arms up above her head, stretching out and drawing her legs up, opening them wide.
‘Shit, Amber… I was one fucking idiot for letting you go.’
She couldn’t
help smiling. All of a sudden that sexy side of her she’d only just discovered came rushing forward. Or maybe it was still the effect of too much alcohol. But whatever it was, all her inhibitions seemed to have disappeared. Along with any common sense she might have had left. ‘You wanted to look at me.’ She kept her eyes closed, although she badly wanted to see his expression. ‘So, come on. Look at me.’
‘Jesus Christ…’ he groaned.
He could feel his heart hammering so hard inside him it was almost distracting. He’d wanted this for so long, this chance to be with her again, to see her like this, to touch her in all those places he missed so much. And now she was here, naked and beautiful with her legs wide open, inviting him back into heaven – a brief visit, maybe, but he was going to make the most of it. He had to. Because it could be his last chance.
Grabbing a pillow, he slid it underneath her hips, raising her up slightly, giving him better access, and a better view, of somewhere he dreamed of constantly. Placing his hands on her knees, he pushed her legs even wider apart, kneeling between them, bending his head and closing his eyes as his mouth took a much-needed taste of her. Something else he’d missed – the taste of her. And she was so wet, so ready for whatever this turned out to be that he knew he had a few minutes maximum down there or he was going to come so fast he’d lose that chance to feel her properly, to live inside a woman he was still completely in love with. And inside her was the only place he wanted to be right now.
Pulling the pillow out from underneath her, he moved so he was leaning over her, his fingers slipping in between hers as he gently pushed into her, and he was staying there this time. No more false starts.
‘Ryan…’ she moaned, her fingers holding tightly onto his as her body gripped him hard, holding him there, keeping him there.
‘It’s okay,’ he whispered, his mouth touching hers as he spoke, her legs wrapping around him. ‘It’s okay.’
But was it? Was it really? One night, he’d said. One more night of being with her, of touching her, making love to her, having her want him like he constantly wanted her. One more night. But as he felt her body buck up beneath him, felt that wave of sweet release begin to wash over him, was one night really going to be enough?
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