Amber nodded, raising a small smile. ‘Yeah. It’s strange, you know? Even my morning sickness has disappeared since I arrived here.’
‘And you and Striker over there … He seems quite relaxed about this whole situation.’
‘That’s because he’s only looking at the rose-tinted version. Over here, away from all the reality, the complications don’t seem so real. Not in his head, anyway.’
‘And in yours?’
Amber shrugged, still staring down at her left hand. ‘I’ve got to tell Jim, haven’t I? I’ve got to put that final nail in the coffin of my short-lived marriage. Because he isn’t going to want to take me back after he hears this, is he?’
‘So I’m assuming that if he asked you to come back to him, you’d go?’
She looked up at her agent. ‘In a heartbeat.’
Max looked down at his feet, kicking away at the sand. ‘Amber…’
‘But that isn’t going to happen, I know that. I know that, Max. But when I close my eyes at night it doesn’t stop me from dreaming about it. It doesn’t stop me from wanting him, or loving him so much I don’t know how I get through most days without him.’
‘You got through almost sixteen years, kiddo.’
‘Because I had to. Back then, I had to. But now he’s here, right there in front of me, and it isn’t going to get any easier, is it? Now that I’m having his star striker’s baby. Jesus, it couldn’t get any messier!’
‘What’s Ryan think about all this?’ Max really didn’t want to upset her any further, but he needed to know what was going on, so he could deal with it all.
‘He wants us to be together,’ Amber replied, wringing her hands, and then stopping herself from doing it by gripping the wall either side of her. ‘He wants us to be a family – me, him and the baby.’
‘And you don’t want that?’
She looked at him again. ‘No… I don’t know. Shit, Max, I really don’t know what to do.’
‘Do you still have feelings for him? For Ryan?’
She looked over at her ex-fiancé. He was being photographed now, his arm firmly around the waist of one of the models, her bikini-clad body pressed against his half-naked one as he stared into her eyes, and Amber felt something in the pit of her stomach she couldn’t explain. He was so young, so handsome, but was that enough? She’d been there before, and she’d been badly burned. There was a baby to think about now, and she needed more than just a young, hot footballer with an oversized ego. She needed someone she could rely on.
‘He was a distraction from Jim, Max. I mean, I loved him, I did. I really did. At times. When he wasn’t pissing me off or making me hate him. There was a time when I loved him so much. But never as much as I loved Jim. Never in the same way. I’m not sure I’ll ever love anyone the way I love Jim, so he was a distraction. And that wasn’t entirely fair on him.’
‘Do you still have feelings for him, Amber?’
‘I don’t want to do that to him again, Max. I don’t want him to be nothing but a distraction from Jim, because I know that’s all he could be. Right now, I can’t promise him anything more than that.’
‘You’re still not answering my question, kiddo.’
She looked at Max, her fingers gripping the wall tightly. ‘Yeah. I’ve still got feelings for him. I don’t think I ever stopped caring about him. We went through too much together for me to push it all aside like it never happened. But I don’t know if I love him. I don’t know if I can.’
‘He’s grown up a lot, you know? Since all that shit happened.’
‘I know.’
‘And this baby – well, I know it isn’t exactly an ideal situation, and the crap it’s going to cause is something we really need to control, but I think it’ll be the making of that kid. He needs something like this, something to shock him into the real world and realise that life isn’t one long party.’
‘I’m glad it’ll help with his therapy,’ Amber said, her voice tinged with more than a hint of sarcasm.
‘I didn’t mean it like that, Amber.’
‘I know,’ she sighed, pushing a hand through her hair. ‘I know. I’m just extra sensitive right now, I’m sorry.’
‘Hormones?’
She looked at Max, returning his smile. ‘You really want to go down that road?’
Max sat down on the wall next to her. ‘Listen, sweetheart. I know this is a really tough time for you right now, and I’ll help you to get through it – I’ll help you both get through it the best I can, I mean that. That’s what I’m here for. Okay? So I don’t want you to worry about the press or the media or…’
‘That’s easy for you to say.’
‘Trust me, all right? I just want you to know that, whatever happens, people are there for you. And Ryan – just give him a chance to prove himself. I’m sure he’ll make a great dad.’
‘You think?’ she asked, unable to stop another small smile escaping.
Max smiled, too, quickly squeezing her knee. ‘This is what you wanted, Amber. This baby.’
‘I wanted Jim’s baby,’ she whispered, suddenly realising that that statement was now making her sound like some selfish, spoilt kid who’d been given something beautiful and precious, but she was ungrateful because it wasn’t exactly what she’d wanted. It was just as special, just as welcomed, it just wasn’t that thing – that one, perfect thing she’d dreamed of. And she had to get over that. She’d been given a chance she’d never thought she was going to get, and she should be so grateful for that. Even if it wasn’t working out quite the way she’d wanted it to. ‘But…’ She took a deep breath, exhaling slowly, ‘… I wanted a baby. And now that it’s finally happened I’ve got to put this little one first, because it’s a miracle I didn’t think I’d ever see. And I know how lucky I am to have been given this chance.’
Max smiled, taking her hand and squeezing it tight. ‘I’d better go see how he’s doing. You gonna be okay?’
‘Yeah. Ronnie’ll be back in a sec… Max? Thank you. For being here. For being so understanding and… and for doing whatever it is you’re going to do to get us through all of this. I really am grateful to have you on my side.’
‘You’ll be fine.’ He winked at her, walking backwards towards Ryan and the photo shoot. ‘You can deal with anything, kid, remember that.’
She only wished that were true.
‘I’m going home tomorrow.’ Amber twirled the straw in her mocktail round and round the glass as she stared out ahead of her. The sun was just beginning to set behind the island of La Gomera way out in the distance, the sky a myriad of colours as it got ready to welcome darkness in. They were at Ryan’s favourite harbour side restaurant, the perfect setting in which to spend a relaxing couple of hours, just taking in the view. Except that, despite the idyllic setting, Amber was anything but relaxed.
‘Tomorrow?’ Ryan looked at her, shocked at how depressed he felt at the thought of her leaving so soon. ‘But… you’ve only been here a few days.’
‘If I don’t go tomorrow, Ryan, there won’t be another flight until Friday, and I don’t think I can wait that long. I need to tell people now, do you understand? I need to tell my dad.’ She looked out to sea again, taking a moment to let the peace and tranquillity of the setting wash over her. ‘I need to tell Jim.’
Ryan sat back in his seat, staring down into his pint of lager. What had he expected? That she’d come here, tell him this news, and then never want to leave his side? Maybe that’s what happened in his dreams, but reality was much more of a kick in the teeth.
‘I don’t want you to go, Amber. Not yet.’
‘Yeah, well, I don’t want to be in this position, Ryan, but we can’t always have what we want, can we?’
He looked at her, but her eyes were looking down, into her drink.
‘I’m glad you came tonight. Or did you just come here to tell me you were leaving?’
She looked up, their eyes finally meeting. ‘I could have told you that over the phone.’
‘So you wanted to see me?’
‘I thought another chance to talk about things wouldn’t hurt.’
‘Things?’
‘Don’t start, Ryan. You know what I mean. Like you said the other night, circumstances have changed now. Everything’s different, and that’s what we need to talk about.’
‘What hasn’t changed are my feelings for you.’
‘Ryan, please, can we not talk about this right now?’
‘Then what do you want to talk about, Amber? Monthly childcare payments? A rota for when I can see my kid? What? Come on, I’m all ears.’
‘You can still be so childish at times.’
‘And you’re not exactly great at playing the grown-up yourself, sweetheart.’
Amber sat back, looking out across at the calm expanse of water in front of them. Darkness was almost upon the island now and out in the distance the lights of Costa Adeje and Playa de las Americas twinkled away, like tiny candles lighting up the shoreline.
‘You know, there’s almost a part of me that doesn’t want to go back,’ she said quietly, still staring out ahead of her. ‘It’s all just beginning to feel real, now that you know.’ She turned to face him, her heart beating hard as his eyes met hers.
‘So stay. Stay here, with me. You know that’s what I want, you and me back together, trying again.’
She shook her head, looking down at the table, fiddling with a stray beer mat because she didn’t know what else to do with her hands. ‘That’s not the way to deal with this, Ryan. I need to go home and face up to what’s happened.’
‘You got pregnant, Amber. Something you never thought would happen. We should be celebrating.’
‘I know I make it sound like the worst thing in the world sometimes, and I don’t mean to do that, I really don’t, it’s just…’ She looked back up at him. ‘It’s just hard. Knowing this baby isn’t Jim’s. And I’ve still got to tell him that.’
It was Ryan’s turn to look down at the table. ‘I know it won’t be easy…’
‘You have to go back to Newcastle Red Star at some point, Ryan. The baby’s due in August, just as the new football season is getting ready to begin, and you’ll be back there, back home in the North East… and you’ll be a dad. To your manager’s ex-wife’s baby. Christ, it sounds like something straight off the Jeremy Kyle show.’
Ryan couldn’t help smiling, which, in turn, made Amber smile, too.
‘It’s not funny, Ryan. This is people’s lives we’re affecting here.’
‘He doesn’t want you, Amber.’
‘I know. You don’t need to keep reminding me. But it doesn’t mean he’s just going to shrug his shoulders and be fine about it all.’
‘And how do you think he’ll react?’
‘I have no idea,’ Amber sighed. ‘It’s hard to say how Jim’ll react to anything. All I know is… it’s going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, telling him this.’
‘Telling him about us?’
She looked at him, holding his stare. ‘There is no us, Ryan.’
‘Not yet.’
‘You’re so sure of yourself, aren’t you?’
‘I believe in fate, Amber.’
‘Really?’ she asked, raising that sceptical eyebrow again.
‘Really. I believe that everything that happened before, all that crap, it was meant to happen. We were meant to go through all of that so that by the time we got here, to where we are now, we’d know it was the right thing to do. It was meant to be.’
‘Now you’re sounding like something straight off the pages of a romance novel.’
He paused for a few seconds, still staring deep into her eyes, making her stomach jump about and her heart hammer even harder against her ribs. ‘This. Me and you. It’s fate, Amber. This baby, it was never meant to be Jim’s…’
She turned away, her eyes filling up with tears she really didn’t want to cry. She’d thought she was over all that. ‘I’m so tired, Ryan. I just want to feel happy again. And I should be happy, I mean, I’m pregnant, aren’t I? I’m pregnant.’
‘Then let me try and make you happy, Amber. Let me try. Give me that chance.’
She looked at him again, and she couldn’t help smiling. Her beautiful boy. Maybe she hadn’t been able to shut down all those feelings she’d once had for him, but was it wise to bring them back to the surface now? When she really had no idea whether what she was feeling was real, or whether she felt those things simply as a smokescreen to forget that the man she’d loved for so long didn’t want her anymore. If he ever really had. ‘You make it sound so easy, Ryan.’
‘Why can’t it be? Why can’t it be easy? Who’s making it difficult? Certainly not me…’
‘It isn’t that simple.’
‘Really?’
She stared at him again. He really was incredibly hot; one handsome, dangerous, unpredictable young man. And she wanted him. She couldn’t deny that. She wanted him. But she didn’t know why. And if she wanted him only because Jim was pushing her away then that wasn’t fair, and she didn’t want to do this for all the wrong reasons. She didn’t want to hurt him. ‘Somewhere, deep inside, I do still love you, Ryan.’
‘And I love you, too, you know that…’
‘But…’
His expression changed the second she said that one word.
‘But I need time. And so do you. We both need time.’
‘I don’t,’ he said, shaking his head, his fingers absentmindedly ripping apart the beer mat Amber had been fiddling with before. ‘I don’t need time, Amber. I know what I’m getting into.’
‘I said those exact same words when I first got involved with you, Ryan. Remember? I know exactly what I’m getting into… but I didn’t, did I? Not really. I didn’t have a clue.’
‘You’re making this so much harder than it needs to be.’
It was her turn to shake her head, her dark red waves bouncing over her bare, tanned shoulders. ‘No, I’m not, Ryan. I’m just being realistic. What’s happened here, me telling you about the baby, that’s just the first step in sorting this whole mess out.’
‘You keep calling it a mess, Amber. How’s it a mess? You’re expecting a baby, that isn’t a mess.’
‘It is when it’s under these circumstances, Ryan. Will you please just grow up and think about things? Think about the circumstances. You have to go back to Newcastle Red Star as the father of this baby, and you will have to play for a club managed by my husband. You don’t think that’s a mess?’
‘He doesn’t want you.’
‘And I don’t think he wants me pregnant with your baby either, Ryan, but it’s happened.’
‘Jesus, what else do I have to do to make you realise how good we could be together?’
‘I need time, Ryan. That’s all. I just need time.’
He leaned forward, dropping his head into his hands.
‘I’m sorry,’ Amber whispered, reaching over the table to take his hand, her fingers closing around his, stroking them gently. Just the touch of him made her skin tingle and her heart race, all of it making her slightly breathless.
He looked at her, clinging onto her hand, his eyes full of something Amber couldn’t quite place – desperation? No. It wasn’t that. It was honesty. There was something there, something inside this man that hadn’t been there before, and she couldn’t help but feel something in the pit of her stomach that was telling her chances were there to be taken. Life was one, long risk, and maybe now she had to take one. Another one. But could she really trust him again? After everything that had happened? Had he really changed enough to make her feel like it could work this time?
‘I’m not over Jim,’ she said quietly, her eyes watching her thumb as it stroked the back of his wrist. ‘And I don’t know if I ever will be. And that isn’t fair on you, Ryan.’ She looked at him. ‘It isn’t fair.’
‘I can deal with it, Amber. I can.’
‘Baby, this isn’t a game. This is real. And
it isn’t just you and me and Jim anymore. There’s a baby to consider now, and they don’t deserve to be dragged into all this. They’re going to need stability.’
‘And I can give them that. I can give you both that, believe me. I’ll work so hard to make sure…’
She leaned forward, kissing him gently, stopping him from saying anything else. She didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want to have to think about it anymore. Not yet. It was far too early to be jumping into new relationships and playing happy families with a man she still didn’t know if she could trust – no matter how much he seemed to have changed. And he did seem different. He had grown up. But was that enough?
‘Take me home, and take me to bed.’ She smiled, pulling away from him slightly. ‘We can’t sort this out tonight, and I think we’ve done all the talking we can do for now, don’t you?’
He smiled, too, running his fingers lightly up and down her forearm. ‘You sure?’
‘I’m sure. I’m going home tomorrow, and I don’t know when I’m going to see you again, so… I kind of like the way you say goodbye.’
He didn’t need to be asked twice.
The windows were open, a light, cool breeze blowing in from the sea, and Amber stretched out on Ryan’s huge bed, sighing contentedly as that breeze washed over her naked body.
Maybe it was wrong, to be here, about to do what they were going to do, but she needed him. Ryan. Spending this time with him, being here, in this warm and heavenly atmosphere, it felt good. Because it was a million miles away from the reality that awaited her back home. So, no, it wasn’t wrong to make the most of that escape. That’s what she kept telling herself, anyway.
‘Do that again.’
She opened her eyes, smiling as she saw him standing there, naked and beautiful, hard, hot and sexy as hell with that tanned skin, those tattoos that never failed to turn her on, and that grin that had made her fall in love with him in the first place. Was it possible he could do it again? Or were her feelings for Jim so far engrained into her soul that she could never really let herself love another man the way she loved him?
‘Do what again?’ she asked, trying to push all thoughts of Jim to the back of her mind. That was tomorrow’s mess, and she’d deal with it then. Tonight, well – tonight she still had some time left to play.
Extra Time Page 49