Heartthrob

by Willow Winters

  A thin sheet of cold sweat covers my body as I lift my head and kiss her once, then twice on the lips. Her fingers spearing through my hair and pulling me in for one more. Our hot breath mingles between us and it’s all I’ve ever wanted. Everything I’ve dreamed of for the last decade.

  As both our breathing calms, she nestles herself into the crook of my arm and all it does is make me want more of her. So many years I’ve had to live without her in my bed. When she should have been here all along.

  I kiss her hair, trying to remember what she told Margo. It doesn’t matter. It’ll be twisted just enough to be convincing and enticing and I can read all about it in the gossip columns and trashy magazines tomorrow.

  All I know is that the one good thing I ever had when I was a kid, is now going to be slandered. I deserve it all anyway. In one way or another. She doesn’t though.

  “I’m sorry for what I said,” she said, letting me know she’s thinking about it too.

  I kiss her hair again and clear the tightness in my throat before telling her, “I know what you said in the interview wasn’t intentional. She baited you and you’re smarter than that, Hally.”

  She tries to pull away from me and I give a little, only enough so that she grabs my forearms and look up at me. “I said I was sorry,” she tells me and then sniffles. “I’m sorry for what I said here too,” she admits and then stares straight at my chest. “I don’t know why I said that.”

  “Because I was a coward,” I tell her. I can admit it. I was afraid. I convinced myself that she needed to be away from me because I was terrified of destroying her. “I’m sorry,” I tell her

  “I didn’t mean--,” she starts to tell me, but then stops short, not wanting to fight again or to bring it up. A habit of hers.

  I could ask her which part. In here or in the interview. But I don’t want to know. I want it all to go away. The thing about letting your anger slip out in the form of words is that they can’t be taken back. All the hurt and pain inflicted will always be remembered.

  And we’re both guilty of that.

  Chapter 14

  Harlow

  Ten Years Ago

  November 10th

  The lightning bugs under the trees light up the night far more than I thought they would. Other than pale moonlight that’s scattered by the remaining leaves, it’s dark in the back of the car, but not nearly as dark as I imagined it would be. I thought there were more trees up here. It’s been a long time since I’ve come up here to the running trails.

  It’s beautiful still.

  It doesn’t change the fact that my first time will be in the back of a car on Fairview Hill.

  “Is it your first?” Nathan asks me. My heart races as Nathan sits up and pushes the front seat further up to give us room. We planned this but I’m still scared. It’s stupid. It’s just sex. But it’ll change everything. I know it will. And I want Nathan to be my first and only. I love him. And even if he hasn’t said it back, I know he loves me too.

  “Yeah,” I finally answer him in a breath, taking my eyes away from the scenery and then looking into his dark eyes. They seem lighter tonight for some reason. “I’ve never had sex before,” I tell him as I prop up on my elbows.

  He licks his bottom lip at my answer but doesn’t say anything else and it makes my heart pound harder and anxiety race through me.

  “Don’t worry,” he tells me gently as he leans down to rest his forehead against mine. He kisses me once, quick and chaste as he rubs his thumb along my jawline. “I’ve got you.” He keeps telling me that and in my head, I imagine he really means that he loves me.

  We’re sprawled out in the backseat. I hide my laugh under my hand as Nathan hits his head on the ceiling again as he tries to take his shirt off.

  “Do we have to get all the way naked?” I ask him and then try to play it off like it’s not that serious. But I don’t want to out here. Not with this much light and knowing someone else could come.

  “You want me to just pull your skirt up?” he asks me and I feel stupid. I turn my head to stare at the backseat and try to shake off all these nerves.

  “Hey, we don’t have to do this,” he tells me and that makes me feel even worse.

  I reach up and rest my wrists around the back of his neck. “I want to,” I tell him honestly. I’m scared and I don’t tell him that, but I truly and deeply want him. More than anything, I want him to have me anyway I can give myself to him.

  “You know I love you even if you don’t want to?” he tells me, saying words I’ve wanted to hear for so long as if they were natural to us. My chest warms with something I can’t describe. I’m too vulnerable and emotional when it comes to Nathan, but it’s all for him and I’ll never hold anything back.

  “Take two!” Stevens yells from my right, a few feet off the set and sitting in an oversized chair a few feet off the ground. From the corner of my eye, I can see the cameras panning and moving slowly as I stalk across the set. Letting my fingers trail along the hotel dresser.

  It’s supposed to be a cheap hotel and I lift my fingers up, circling my thumb along my pointer and middle finger, as if there was debris or dust along the wooden top, before moving my eyes to Nathan.

  It’s our fourth scene today and we have two more after this.

  The metal case in my hand is heavy, earlier it was light because it was empty, but now it’s filled with money I owe him. My lips curl into a smile as the irony dawns on me.

  That we’re playing parts and he’s blackmailing me.

  I pick up the case and lay it on the dresser as I hear the bed creak, knowing he’s getting up and walking towards me, although my character doesn’t. I keep my eyes on the case and the click of the lock fills my ears as my thumbs tick the locks back.

  He comes up behind me just as I open it, wrapping his hands around the back of my neck and my hip.

  “It’s all there?” he asks, in a deep, rough voice I love. His hand is hot on my neck, commanding and I welcome it.

  Out of instinct, my head falls back and my eyes slowly meet his. I swear my heart beats slower, or maybe it’s just that time has slowed.

  “It’s all there,” my voice is soft, low, full of emotion and I question it, wondering if it’s loud enough for the mics. But the look in Nathan’s eyes silences me.

  My character has fallen in love, even though it means she’s dead, but she’s not the only one.

  “Cut!” Stevens yells out and the dozen or so people standing just off the set clap as the lights slowly flicker on. “That’s a wrap!”

  The diner scene is next, it’s only a small part for me. I just need to walk by the window, sneaking a look in. Nathan will be shooting it until they get it perfect though. Handing off the money and getting each and every detail right.

  Nathan relaxes his hands, although the one at my hip grips me first, forcing me to look at him. I have to blush as we share a glance. He’s proud. I know that’s the look in his eyes. It has to be. I clear my throat as I close the case and lock it. Everyone’s already moving around us on the set and taking things down. These scenes are done and we’re on to the next. No stopping or breaks. It’s tough going from one to the next to the next, but I love it.

  “Nathan,” Jim, an assistant director and the man in charge of stunts, walks onto the set and steals Nathan away. He’s just a few feet from me, but I feel gypped. I want that scene to continue. I want so much more right now.

  I imagine Stevens will have me go first so I can be done for the day. It’s been twelve hours of shooting so far today. Between these heels and all of the tension between Nathan and I, I’m ready for bed.

  I wouldn’t mind watching him though. The thought of doing just that makes me turn around and lean against the dresser, watching as he talks to one of the supporting directors. The young guy is animated and excited about the next scene. There’s an explosion and I’d bet he’s been waiting on it all day.

  Now that the sun is setting, it’s time for the big bang, so
to speak.

  I rock on my toes as I clear my throat, patiently waiting for Nathan to be done. He glances at me as I glance at him and it makes me smile a bit. With the blush coloring my cheeks, I stretch out my shoulder but then look forward to see a group of women talking. Four of them huddled in a circle and one is ballsy enough not to avert her glance as she covers her mouth and continues to talk.

  Gossiping I’m sure. The smile slips from my lips and an insecurity I haven’t felt since college settles in my gut.

  Everyone knows we’ve slept together.

  And everyone’s talking about it.

  “We’ve got two hours till show time!” I hear off to my right, as the assistant director walks from the set, checking his watch and then looking back at the clip board in his hands. Nathan’s already walking over to me, finished with his conversation and finally having a break. Even if it is a small one.

  “Mr. Hart!” A girl who’s no doubt in her late teens or early twenties calls out, jogging across the concrete floor and onto the set. As her heels click and she almost stumbles, Nathan turns his attention to her. He’s just being polite and courteous as he helps to steady her and she laughs off her clumsiness, but it doesn’t help that raw churning in the pit of my stomach. “Could I have your autograph?” she asks and pushes a DVD and Sharpie pen into his hands.

  I can hear his rough chuckle from all the way over here as he slips off the black marker cap. All the while he’s looking down, the young woman looks at me and then quickly down at the DVD, guilt written on her face.

  It doesn’t matter. Plenty of women fawn over him. They’d kill to be in my shoes. Even just to be an actress. Snagging Nathan would be the sweetest cherry on top.

  Even if it’s just for the weeks of shooting.

  The thought is what breaks me, nearly making me sick. So much so that I don’t see Nathan until he’s standing right beside me, splaying his hand on my back.

  “You alright?” he asks me and I try to be fine, nodding my head and telling myself that what other people think doesn’t matter. “You don’t look like you’re fine, Hally,” he says as he takes another step closer to me, coming a little too close for just friends.

  My eyes close as I take in a long, steadying breath trying to figure out what to say and what I want.

  “It’s just complicated,” I finally settle on the truth and it hurts to even admit that much to him. I don’t want to fight. Not in the least and I’m terrified that admitting anything to him is going to instigate a conflict that will fracture what we have forever.

  “Is it the girl?” he asks me. “You’re going to have people asking for your autograph too, you know?” he says the words half-heartedly as if he’s oblivious to the fact that she lit up from his simple touch.

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” I tell him as I tilt my head and slip off the earring on my right ear. It’s cheap jewelry and part of the costume. I’ve had them in almost all day and I’ll have to put them back in tonight, but I’ve just realized how much they hurt. They’re too heavy.

  I slip off the other as Nathan takes a half-step back and loosens the tie around his neck, clearing his throat. I imagine he wants to say something and doesn’t, either because we’re surrounded by people or because he doesn’t want to fight either.

  This isn’t healthy, the words on the tip of my tongue. There are only three weeks left though and once it’s over, it will be better for us to be over too.

  Chapter 15

  Nathan

  I’m in over my head, but that’s how it’s always been with Hally.

  “Good work today,” Stevens tells me as I unbutton the top button of the dress shirt, making my way off the set and towards my room.

  I pause my next step and glance up at him. He’s not a talker, like me in a lot of ways. “Thanks. I’ll be here all week,” I respond easily and with a bit of humor. I keep walking since he’s already looking back down at his schedule or lines or whatever’s in the stack of papers he’s holding.

  I take a covert look around, searching for Hally, but not seeing her in the scattering of people. Filming’s almost over and a large number of people are gone. Still a dozen or so come to watch when we’re shooting and Hally’s usually one of them. My stride picks up speed and my gut churns, telling me something’s wrong when I don’t see her. She hasn’t missed a single one yet.

  Ignoring the gut reaction, I keep moving to my room. Keeping to myself, and making a beeline for my dressing room; not that anyone dares approach me. Hally may have taken me out of my shell a bit and thrown me off my game, but I’m still not the socializing type and everyone knows it.

  Maybe she’s waiting for me. I know it’s wishful thinking, but even as I turn the door to my room, I’m picturing her on my bed, waiting for me to lose myself in her.

  A low groan of satisfaction rumbles from the back of my throat as I imagine her like she was the other night, laid out for me and bared to me in every way. I’ll never have my fill of her.

  The memory vanishes as I take in my empty room and have to swallow the fact that she isn’t here; she wasn’t on set and I have no fucking clue where she is.

  I don’t like it. It’s none of my damn business, but that’s the very reason I don’t like it. I don’t have a claim to her and the instability between us makes me cling to her… and usually her to me.

  I’m quick as I unbutton the shirt, feeling suffocated by the crisp linen for the first time all day. I toss it carelessly on the floor and swing the door open on the armoire looking for a plain cotton tee and sweats to change into. I need a shower first though, something to relax me.

  I need Hally.

  It’s when I toss the clothes across the room and onto my bed that I see what’s changed in the dressing room.

  Another article sits dead center on the coffee table. Right where Mark leaves my schedule every day.

  I don’t give a shit what it’s about or what it says, I’m sure Mark will tell me regardless, but the picture is enough to make me pick it up.

  The memories come back to me as I stare down at a picture of us, I don’t know how they got it. It’s in school, in the cafeteria. Maybe a photo shoot from the yearbook, I don’t know. But she’s so happy sitting next to me. What’s more, is the smile on my face. She made me so happy. No one can deny that.

  November 30th

  “I’ll see you after class,” I tell Hally and kiss the side of her head quickly, letting her waist go and watching everyone else file into class.

  I’m down the east hall for gym, but I like walking her here to the north hall for her algebra class. It’s a little more time to hold her, to hear her babble about whatever’s on her mind. I don’t have to say shit, just being with her is enough to make her happy. And that alone makes me happy.

  “I love you,” she tells me, gripping onto my one hand with both of hers.

  I haven’t told her how I feel since that night, our first night.

  I almost tell her I love her out of pure instinct, but it’s hard to say the words. They lose their meaning when you say it too much. If my parents’ split taught me anything, it’s just that. I won’t waste them in between classes and throw them around so easily. I show her how I feel, that matters more anyway.

  “You make me so happy,” I tell her and then feel like a dick. It’s the truth, but she wants more.

  “Please,” she looks at me with a pleading look in her eyes and I let out a sigh. “I just want to hear it,” she tells me. I hate the hurt look on her face.

  I give her a smile, the one she wants and bend down close to her ear, brushing her hair away and whisper it, “I love you.”

  It makes her smile and then she gives me a quick peck on the cheek before running into her class. That’s enough to keep the trace of happiness on my face, but it’s not what I feel deep inside.

  It’s like I’m pretending to be someone else when I’m with her.

  The bell rings as the thought hits me, and I turn to find myself alone
in the hallway and late for class.

  This version of me is someone I want to be. Someone not afraid to tell her what she wants to hear. They’re just words anyway.

  But it’s not who I really am.

  “Finally,” I hear Mark before I see him, turning around with the article still in my hand. My heart races as if he’s caught me back then, lying to myself and to her and trying to be someone I wasn’t.

  “We have to talk,” Mark says shutting the door and I take the moment to release a breath I didn’t know I was holding and toss the article onto the desk.

  “Have a seat,” Mark says and it catches me off guard. That sickness comes back to me as I pull out the chair from the vanity and he takes a seat opposite to me, dragging the chair for the desk over to me and quickly sitting down.

  With his elbows on his knees and his fingers laced together, his thumbs tap against one another as he talks. A nervous habit I’ve noticed he has.

  “So, Harlow May,” he says, keeping his eyes on me and then swallowing.

  “Just spit it out, Mark,” I tell him as I sit back casually, ignoring how my heart’s rhythm is fucked and every muscle in me wants to move. I stay perfectly still, expressionless. Giving him nothing and waiting for him to show his cards.

  He can’t know the truth. No one else knows.

  Unless she told someone and that’s why she’s gone. I choke on the thought, unable to breathe or move as my blood runs cold. She wouldn’t do that. I know my Hally; she wouldn’t. She can’t. It would ruin us both.

  “So, you’re seeing her now?” he asks me and I hold his gaze, willing my body to do something. Letting the idea that this line of questioning must mean she hasn’t told a soul.

  I scratch a nonexistent itch at my jaw, taking up time and debating on an answer. “We’re rekindling an old relationship potentially.” I keep it vague. I trust Mark, I do. But only so much.