Practice to Deceive

by Olivia Evans

  There was the smart mouth that had been missing the last ten minutes. And as happy as I was for her to be back to normal, it seemed no matter what we talked about, somehow it would remind me of everything before Christmas break. Because the truth was, I really didn’t remember everything, because I hadn’t cared. Fuck.

  “It depends on how many clothes you were wearing at the time.” The words slipped from my mouth before I realized what I’d said. They tasted wrong, like rot, decay, and dirt. I guess new habits died just as hard as old ones when you were trying to keep something you didn’t deserve.

  “Such a guy,” she tsked. “So, you’re saying if I want you to remember something, I shouldn’t be naked?”

  “You probably shouldn’t talk about being naked either. I have a very vivid imagination.” I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled her against my side, sliding my hand down her arm, ghosting my fingers over the curve of her breast.

  “Behave.”

  “Hello?” Rachel interrupted, standing beside our seat. “You guys coming or what?”

  I looked up and noticed we were already at our stop. How did that happen? We filed off the bus, Rachel grabbing Skylar by the arm and hauling her ahead of us, the two of them already laughing, at my expense, no doubt. Drew fell into step beside me, letting a little distance form between us and the girls before he spoke.

  “What are you going to tell her, man?”

  “As much as I can, without her slapping me in the face and storming out of our apartment.” I’d have to tell her something about Terri, but I needed to figure out how much without completely fucking myself.

  “Rachel knows something’s up. She was all over me on the bus. I told her we’d talk later, but I can’t put her off forever.” His eyes were filled with remorse. I hated the position I’d put him in. Again.

  “Fuck. I know.” I ran my hand over my face, blowing out a harsh breath. “I’ll deal with Rachel.”

  “I don’t think you should ‘deal’ with Rachel.” He shook his head. “Why don’t you just come clean? Tell Skylar the truth?”

  I laughed, a sardonic smile stretching across my face. “Do you think I haven’t thought about that? But you’ve met Skylar. There’s no fucking way she’d stay. No fucking way she’d forgive me.”

  “Why are you doing this, Brennan?”

  “I can’t lose her.”

  “It’s going to be so much worse when she finds out later.”

  “She’s not going to find out. Ever.”

  “And if she does?”

  My vision tunneled, narrowing and dimming as images passed through my mind of Skylar finding out everything I’d done. Everything I’d said. My body tingled and my stomach rolled. I couldn’t even handle imagining it.

  “M-maybe,” I stammered, trying to think of something, anything, that would make her forgive me. “Maybe she’ll feel differently about me then. Maybe we’ll be strong enough to get past it.”

  It sounded like bullshit even to me.

  He reached up and slapped my shoulder, squeezing quickly before dropping his arm. “For your sake, I hope you’re right, bro.”

  Yeah. For my sake, I hoped I was right, too.

  We walked through the crowds of people gathered around the fish stand and made our way over to the girls. I slid behind Skylar and wrapped my arms around her waist, bending down and propping my chin on her shoulder.

  “Are those for me?” I asked, nodding toward the container of raspberries in her hands. She grabbed one between her fingers and pushed it into my mouth.

  “Yup,” she said, popping one into her mouth as well before angling her head toward me and grinning.

  Everything about the look on her face wrecked me—her smile, her skin, her eyes, the freckles sprinkled across the bridge of her nose. I leaned forward until my lips were firmly pressed against hers, my tongue sweeping inside her mouth, the taste of her and raspberries drowning out everything around me.

  “Are you done here?” I asked, pulling away before I threw her on top of the fruit stand and did things to her that would land us in jail.

  “I think so,” she answered, her eyes roving over all of the different fruits on display but never looking in my direction. I had no doubt her nonchalance was intentional. She was goading me. I huffed out a breath.

  “Are you in a hurry or something?” she asked, studying the apples in front of her like they held the answers to world peace. I shook my head. Evil-ass woman, there was no way she wasn’t affected by our kiss.

  “C’mon, Lucy, let’s go slap some gum on the wall, then see if we can exorcise any of those demons out of you.” I hooked my finger in the belt loop of her jeans and pulled her along behind me. I could hear her and Rachel laughing, but I didn’t give a fuck; I was a man on a mission.

  Four pieces of gum, three attempts by Skylar to push me into that nasty-ass wall, and two cups of coffee later, we were finally heading back to our apartment. Rachel and Drew decided to grab food, but I passed on the invite. The only thing I was interested in putting in my mouth was sitting next to me, her head resting on my shoulder.

  “Hey, Stalker?” she asked quietly.

  I chuckled, giving her a wry smile. She was never going to stop calling me that. “Yeah?”

  “What’s my favorite fruit?”

  “Apples. Granny Smith.”

  She jerked her head up, her eyes wide. “Wow, you really were listening.”

  I stared at her for a beat, a million different emotions running through me at once. I was shocked when I knew the answer so easily, but also really happy I did. But there was also something else, fear, maybe? Disappointment, definitely. She was testing me. Was she thinking about what happened at the apartment earlier?

  What if she asked about something from before, when I paid as little attention as possible because I thought she was a cheating whore? I winced at the direction of my thoughts. She wasn’t any of those things. She was better than I could ever hope to be. I was just trying to hang on and be a part of her life for as long as she’d let me.

  “Yeah, I was listening. What made you ask?” I grabbed her hand, threading my fingers through hers and sliding our hands on top of my thigh. She was quiet for a second, her attention focused on our hands.

  “Just seeing if you were telling the truth about only not listening when clothing was absent.”

  She was lying. She was testing me, and it was because she hadn’t forgotten the conversation from earlier.

  “I’m not going to lie and say I remember everything we’ve talked about. But I can promise I’ll try a lot harder not to forget from now on.” I meant that. All the time I’d wasted, everything I’d taken for granted? Never again.

  “C’mon.” I stood from the seat, grabbed the carton of raspberries, and led her off the bus. We walked up the stairs and into my apartment, toeing off our shoes and heading down the hall to my room. She excused herself to the bathroom, and I took the opportunity to pick up my clothes from the floor.

  I was grabbing a pair of socks when my journal caught my eye. It was sticking out from under the side of my bed where I’d thrown it a week ago. I’d tried to write in it, but when I looked at the words from before and thought about how I’d felt, it made me sick. It felt wrong to write in it now, like anything I’d write would be tainted by all the hate and bullshit from before.

  “What’s that?” Skylar asked, coming up behind me.

  My entire body jerked, and the journal in my hand felt like hot coals searing the skin from my bones.

  “Nothing,” I said quickly, crossing the room and shoving it onto the top shelf of my bookcase. “Just something I was working on for school.” The lie felt like acid on my tongue.

  “Okay,” she said slowly. “You’re being weird. Do we need to have that conversation again?”

  I grinned. “No, Skylar. We do not need to have that conversation again.” I crossed the room until I stood in front of her and grabbed her arms, walking her backward until she hit the
side of the mattress. “Plus, if I remember correctly, it was because of what we’d just done that I didn’t have the ability to communicate.”

  She laughed and wrapped her arms around my neck, falling back onto the bed and pulling me with her. “Oh, right. I must have forgotten.”

  “Maybe you need a reminder.” I leaned down and nipped the edge of her jaw. She twisted her fingers in my hair and hummed.

  So, I reminded her. I reminded her as I peeled off her clothes piece by piece. I reminded her when I slid my fingers inside her, when I spread her legs and ran my tongue in long, flat strokes against her pussy until she came so hard she stopped breathing. And I reminded her when I pushed deep inside her and rocked our bodies together. I kissed her neck, her cheek, her lips, each one an apology for every time I’d thought badly of her. For every time I’d lied to her, and for every time I would lie to her, even if it was only by omission.

  Later, as we lay in bed, content to be wrapped around each other, I found myself wondering about her life before she moved here. We’d talked about a lot of things, but she was always vague when it came to anything too personal.

  “Tell me about Austin,” I said, brushing my fingers through her hair as she traced random patterns over my abdomen, her head resting against my chest.

  “What about it?”

  What did I want to know? I knew about her mom and that Preston and Grace used to live there. We’d talked about her majoring in Oceanography, but we never talked about her friends, or more importantly, boyfriends. Of course, that would be opening a can of worms I was in no way ready to deal with.

  I shrugged, pissed that I couldn’t ask the one question I really wanted to because of my own bullshit. Would we ever get to a point where all this crap wasn’t hanging over our heads? Or were we just a passing thing that would fizzle out in a few months like most relationships? The immediate tightening in my chest told me I was a fool if I believed that.

  If I were smart, I’d end it now. Before things went any further. Before… Just before. But holding her against me, her legs tangled with mine, I was in so deep I was fucked regardless.

  “Do you want to watch a movie?” I asked instead, my eyes heavy. She didn’t respond, and after a second, I lifted my head to find her eyes closed. I let my head fall back against the pillow again and pulled the sheet up until her shoulders were covered. I ran my hand down her arm and twisted our fingers together. I closed my eyes, our breaths deep and slow, in sync.

  Yeah, I was fucked, regardless.

  Worse than telling a lie is spending the rest of your life staying true to a lie. ~Robert Brault

  “Stop it,” Rachel groaned, swatting her hand aimlessly in the air, her face scrunched in annoyance. I dragged the feather under her nose again, choking back a laugh when she kicked her legs in the air and slammed them back on the couch.

  She cracked an eye open, and if looks could kill, Mom would be picking out flower arrangements right now.

  “What the hell, Brennan?” She jerked up to a sitting position. “Obviously, I was sleeping. Why are you bugging me?”

  Waking her up and putting her in a pissy mood were probably not the smartest things to do when I’d planned on talking to her about Skylar. I’d managed to avoid Rachel the last three weeks, going so far as to act like a damn teenager, sneaking into the apartment after she was asleep. But coming home at one in the morning the last two nights was kicking my ass. It was time to get this over with.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, taking a deep breath. If I wanted to soften her up, I might as well cut the bullshit and start talking. “I was wondering if you wanted to have that talk now, about Skylar?”

  She sat up straighter and smoothed her hair away from her face. All signs she’d been asleep only minutes earlier were suddenly gone. “So, you’re done avoiding me?”

  I sighed. Yes, I’d been avoiding her, but not entirely for the reasons she was thinking. I wanted to come clean with Rachel, tell her everything, ask for her advice. But every time I’d played out her reaction in my head, it was never the same. I had nothing to compare this situation to. If it were Terri, Rachel wouldn’t give a single fuck. But this wasn’t Terri, it was Skylar, and Rachel would definitely give a fuck.

  “There are a lot of reasons I haven’t told Skylar about Terri,” I began, sliding back on the couch and letting my head drop against it. Rachel tucked her legs underneath her and faced me, her expression expectant.

  “Go on.”

  “I mean, there was no point in telling her at first, ya know?” I shifted so I was facing her. “It’s not what you’d call an icebreaker when meeting someone. But then, things got complicated.”

  “How so?”

  With a deep breath, I told her. And like I’d done for the last six months, I told half-truths, lied by omission, and spun the details to make myself not seem like the biggest asshole on the planet. Which I was; there was no denying. I told her I didn’t want Skylar to think I was on the rebound, that I had too much baggage.

  Then I told her about seeing Skylar with Matt. How I learned they were friends and Matt had been really good to her. How I’d wanted to tell her about my past with him, but we were still so new, I worried she would bail, so I said nothing.

  “I get that,” Rachel agreed. “But why have you still not told her? Clearly you two are at a point where you can have that conversation.”

  “Because I’m an idiot?” I answered with a chuckle. It was awkward and forced. Rachel noticed.

  “You’re not telling me something,” she pressed.

  I thought about all the things I could say. I could tell her I was insecure. I could tell her I was scared Skylar would pick Matt over me. But instead, I told her the biggest lie of all. A lie that made my gut churn and my heart twist. Rachel was one of my best friends. I had known her since I was thirteen years old. If I told her the truth, she would no doubt be pissed at me, but she would have my back. Like she always did. But I lied. I told her I didn’t want to be selfish. That Matt was obviously important to Skylar, and I didn’t want to take him out of her life because of our issues.

  And because I hadn’t always been an asshole, because back in the day Rachel could trust anything I told her with absolute certainty, she believed me. I wanted to punch myself in the face, but in the end, I got what I wanted, bittersweet as it was. Rachel agreed not to talk about Matt in front of Skylar until I had the chance to explain things to her. Little did Rachel know, there was no expiration date on that promise. I would put off that conversation as long as I could.

  I wasn’t stupid, though. Girls talked. Even though Skylar was cool and didn’t seem like the type to gossip, there was no way my past wouldn’t come up eventually. After a few more questions, Rachel leaned back against the couch, seemingly satisfied with my answers.

  “Where have you been all day?” she asked, eyeing the bag on the floor beside me.

  “I was out shopping for Skylar. And before you ask, no, you can’t see it.” I grabbed the bag before she could pounce.

  “Why not?” she whined. I rolled my eyes; that shit wasn’t going to work on me.

  “Because I want her to be the first person to see it.”

  “Aww, that’s sweet.”

  Yeah, the whining was definitely over.

  “What’s it for?”

  “Valentine’s Day.”

  Before she could launch into the third degree, my phone rang. I saw Skylar’s name flash across the screen and mouthed “Sorry” as I stood and moved down the hall to my bedroom.

  “Hey,” I answered, putting the bag with her gift in the top drawer of my desk.

  “Hey, I’m at work, so I can’t talk long, but I wanted to see if you’d like to come over for dinner tonight.”

  “Dinner?”

  “Yes. Dinner.” She sounded annoyed.

  “Does that mean I get to eat you on the kitchen table?”

  “Brennan!” she whisper-yelled into the phone.

  “Well, I certainly hope you�
�re louder than that later.”

  “Jesus fuck,” she said, her voice a little rougher.

  “What’s the matter, Lucy?” I goaded, my dick already getting hard thinking about having her spread out on the kitchen table while I went down on her.

  “I think you have taken the role of devil in this relationship. Be there at six.” She disconnected the call before I could say anything else. I chuckled and threw my phone on the bed. The bed I’d made this morning because Skylar called me a slob. Never mind her apartment was just as damn messy, but she claimed that she had a system, that she knew where everything was. I highly doubted it from the way she was always looking for her keys, but I wasn’t going to argue.

  I looked at my clock and realized I had a little over an hour before I needed to leave. I debated taking a nap, but my phone rang again, “Home” flashing across the screen. I took a deep breath and answered, relieved it was Mom. That was, until I realized why she was calling. Dad’s birthday was in a few weeks, and she wanted me to come home.

  And bring Skylar.

  It wasn’t that I didn’t want them to meet her, because I did. I was ready to show her off to everyone, but I had to tell her about Terri first. There was no way I could go to my parents’ and have a forgotten picture of me with Terri on a shelf somewhere. I wanted to explain things on my terms, and having that conversation at my parents’ was not an option.

  I told Mom I would check with Skylar and make sure she could take off work. After talking a few more minutes, I disconnected the call, realizing I’d just set a deadline on how long I could put off telling her about Terri. I had a few weeks, and that was it. Would I leave out Matt? That was the million-dollar question I had no answer for.

  At six o’clock, I stood outside Skylar’s apartment. I wasn’t sure whether to be proud of myself for being on time or ashamed for being so whipped. Either way, I wasted no time knocking on her door because, really, who was I kidding? I wanted to see her.

  “Come in,” she yelled.

  I twisted the knob, a little pissed she’d left it unlocked. “Do you realize you’re asking for trouble by leaving your door unlocked?” I said, locking the motherfucker behind me.