Practice to Deceive

by Olivia Evans

  “What do you—”

  “You did it again,” I muttered vacantly, quietly. I slid down the wall until my knees hit the floor and my legs folded underneath me. “You took everything.”

  My mind bounced all over, different times, different people. Last May, this April, Terri, Skylar. Skylar. Oh my God, Skylar. She knew everything. She read…oh fuck. I began to rock back and forth, rubbing my hands slowly up and down my thighs as blackness danced around the edges of my vision.

  “What did I do to make you hate me so much?”

  “I don’t understand. What are you saying, Brennan?” Matt cut in. His voice seemed lower, or maybe it was muffled by the ringing in my ears.

  “Goddammit, Matt, I fucking love her,” I gasped, a sob tearing from my chest. “I love her, so much it hurts to fucking breathe.” I gripped my hair with both hands and pulled. I needed a diversion. I needed the pain to be somewhere else. Anywhere besides the burning hole in my chest where my heart had been ripped out.

  “Oh my God, please. Please don’t take her from me,” I mumbled, coughing out the words as they stuck in my throat, my breathing becoming heavier, faster.

  “Bren—”

  “No, no, no, I can’t. She’s everything, she—” I broke off, grinding my teeth together because the pain, the fucking pain was too much. “She brought me back. She made me want more. She made me a better person.”

  “Skylar picked you. She wanted you, then you were with Terri, and I thought… I thought I was protecting her.”

  I raised my head, locking my eyes with Matt’s. The look of pity and shame on his face was almost enough to raise my anger back to the surface, to beat down the lethargy that had settled in my bones. Almost.

  “I was going to tell her. I was going to tell her everything. And now—” My voice faltered as my throat tightened.

  “You were really going to tell her? You really didn’t—” He scrubbed his face roughly. “Maybe I can talk to her. Maybe I can—”

  I laughed. It was loud, belly-deep, and without a trace of humor. “I think you’ve done enough,” I mocked, shaking my head. “Your kind of help is the last thing I need.”

  Abruptly, beads of sweat broke the surface of my skin, and the room began to spin. Would she ever forgive me? Was this it? Had I really lost her? An involuntary groan slipped past my lips as I hunched my shoulders, an invisible force ramming into my chest and settling there, so fucking heavy. I couldn’t breathe. Why the fuck couldn’t I breathe? My eyes widened as panic crawled up my spine, scratching and clawing, tearing at me from the inside out.

  My hands began to shake, my heart hammering against my rib cage, wanting to get out, away from me, escape all the fucking pain. Blood roared in my ears, and still, I couldn’t breathe. I tried to raise my arms, my fingers twitching to cut into my skin, break it open, and peel it away so my lungs could draw in air. I felt like I was dying. No. No. Oh God, I’d lost my fucking mind. Skylar. Skylar had to know. I had to tell her the truth, she couldn’t think that what I wrote all those months ago was how I felt now. She couldn’t think I didn’t love her. What if she never let me explain?

  Someone was speaking, but it was muffled, indistinct. I was going to suffocate on the bedroom floor of the asshole who took away the best fucking part of me. I heard yelling, I heard fighting, something breaking, but I needed air.

  “Brennan!”

  I was moving. No, I was shaking. Something, someone… I felt hands on me. I needed… God, someone get the fucking pressure off my chest. Couldn’t they see it? Why weren’t they helping me?

  “C’mon, man. Deep breaths. It’s Jared.”

  I pried my swollen eyes open, bright colors and dark spots blending and swirling, blurring everything from sight. And still, no more than a puff of air would enter my lungs.

  “Brennan. Listen to me. You have got to breathe, man.”

  His voice sharpened, and something slammed against my back, and then I was gasping, warm air slicing down my dry throat and expanding my lungs forcefully.

  “That’s it.”

  Another breath, then another. My vision focused, my senses cleared, and my lungs filled and released. But the dull ache in my chest, the one that had nothing to do with breathing and everything to do with my heart, it marched on. I focused on Jared. His eyes were wide and frantic, his fingers curled around my arms. I pushed his hands away and shook my head.

  “I’ve got to go,” I slurred, my tongue thick.

  “No, dude. Hold up. You need to stay put. Just wait,” he pleaded.

  “I can’t be here. I can’t. I need to get out of here.” I stumbled to my feet, wiping the back of my hand across my forehead, where sweat gathered at my hairline.

  I heard his protest, heard him call my name, but I kept moving. Down the stairs, past the crowd gathered in the living room, and out the door. I flinched as I stepped onto the lawn, the piercing sunlight causing me to slide my eyes shut. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do, but my gut told me I wouldn’t figure out the answer to either of those questions if the destination didn’t lead me back to Skylar.

  Consequences are unpitying. ~George Eliot

  There was softness under my cheek. The scent of blackberries and lilacs surrounded me as I took deep, easy breaths. I smiled, still groggy with sleep. I reached over to pull Skylar to me, only to clutch cold, untouched sheets. Like diving into a tub of ice water, reality hit me, frigid and unforgiving like a thousand knives all seeking purchase on exposed skin. The day before came flooding back, and any relief I’d felt was eradicated, replaced with a dull, hollow ache. I groaned and hugged the pillow closer to my face. It smelled just like her.

  “Are you really awake this time, bro?” Drew asked from somewhere behind me.

  I dug my fingers into the pillow once before rolling over to face him. He sat at my desk, his elbows resting on his knees, his back hunched and his face haggard.

  “How long have you been here?” My throat felt raw, my words thick.

  He scrubbed his hand over his face and sighed. “Jared called me yesterday. He told me what Matt did. I called you at least two dozen times, walked all over campus. I even called Skylar.”

  I jerked upright, my entire body stiff. “Did you talk to her? What did she say? Was she okay?” I asked, my heartbeat accelerating.

  He looked down at his clasped hands, his face drawn. Just as quickly as my heart began to race, it fell with a heavy thud in my chest. “She didn’t answer,” I muttered.

  “No.” He shook his head. “But, dude, you scared the shit out of me. Jared said you had a fucking panic attack.” His voice was colored with disbelief. “And then you wouldn’t answer your damn phone. I have no idea when you got home. I woke up, and you were here.”

  “Panic attack? Is that what happened to me yesterday? I thought I was dying.” I threw my legs off the bed and mimicked Drew’s position.

  “Jared said it was the scariest shit he’d ever seen. After I looked everywhere I could think of, I came here.” His face was pained, but his eyes, his eyes were angry.

  A lump formed in my throat as I remembered how I’d left the living room yesterday and what Drew would have found.

  “Drew—”

  “Oh, don’t worry,” he cut in, a humorless chuckle pushing a gust of air past his lips. “Rachel was already cleaning up your mess when I got here.”

  I felt the color drain from my face. I gripped my hair and rocked forward. It seemed me and worst-case scenario were getting well and truly acquainted.

  “Does she hate me?” I asked, my palms sweating.

  Drew sighed and sat back in the chair, his eyes boring into me. “Funny story,” he started, his voice laced with sarcasm. “So, Rachel is pissed, and yelling and demanding to know what the hell is going on. She has all these pages spread out, and she keeps asking ‘Did you know? Did you know, Drew?’ So, I told her I did. I tried to explain how when you started going after Skylar, while your intentions in the beginning were les
s than honorable, the moment you found out Skylar was single, everything changed.”

  He licked his lips and leaned forward, his face a mixture of hurt and disappointment as he thrust a wrinkled sheet of paper onto my lap. I looked down, already knowing what I’d find.

  “Fuck,” I breathed, scanning the words I’d written after I ran into Matt at Thanksgiving. When I decided to keep seeing Skylar because Matt couldn’t have her. When I lied and told Drew it was because I really liked her.

  “Exactly,” he deadpanned. “She called me a liar and threw that same piece of paper at me. Imagine my shock when I realized you weren’t the least bit stingy with your lies. You made sure we all got a piece of your deceit.”

  “Drew, I’m sorry—”

  “I don’t want to hear it, Brennan. What the hell is wrong with you, man? Who are you?”

  “When I wrote this?” I asked, shaking my head. “I have no fucking idea.”

  We were both quiet, the crinkling of the paper twisting in my hands the only sound. “Where’s Rachel now?”

  Drew huffed out a groan and stretched his legs in front of him. “She’s not here. She’s really fucking upset, Brennan.” He pulled in a deep breath. “She went to stay with one of her friends last night, said she couldn’t deal with both of us right now. But I had to tell her. I couldn’t lie to her face. I couldn’t take the chance—”

  “Of ending up like me,” I finished quietly. “I’m sorry I dragged you into this, that I lied and let what happened turn me into someone no one recognized.”

  He stared at me for a second then sighed. “Fuck, bro, I know that. But I guess I didn’t realize how bad things were. Your journal, Skylar saw it, right?” He grimaced, his shoulders curving inward.

  I flexed my jaw, tightening my fist around the paper still in my hand. “Yeah.”

  “Fuck.”

  “Exactly.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I’m going to get her back.” There was no other option.

  “But what if—”

  “No,” I cut in. “Don’t. I can’t, I can’t think like that. I have to get her back. I refuse to believe it’s over. I can’t accept that.” I dropped the paper to the floor and rubbed my hand over my face. I couldn’t picture her gone from my life for good.

  “I love her, Drew.” I imagined how she must feel, thinking everything we’d shared was a lie. And worse, thinking I’d been with Terri. The facts were bad enough, but add that on top of everything else…shit.

  “You’ve got your work cut out for you.”

  “Don’t I fucking know it.”

  “And not just with Skylar. Rachel will be here soon, and then you have to think about Mom and Dad, her family.” He let out a low whistle, his face pinched. “Dude, you fucked up bad.”

  “Yes. I’m aware,” I said flatly. “And not that it matters at this point, but I’d planned on telling her. I was going to tell her everything after my physical. That obviously didn’t happen.”

  Drew sighed and stood. “I hope you can fix this, because I really like Skylar. And Rachel, well, she thinks of Skylar like a sister already. But mostly…” He swallowed and rubbed the back of his neck. “I hate the thought of you going through life knowing you lost the one. Because she is, Brennan. And to lose her for good would be a damn shame.”

  He walked out the door without another word. The truth was, he didn’t need to say anything else. The crushing weight of his words more than hit their mark. I blinked back tears, digging my teeth roughly into my bottom lip. I had scammed so many people with my lies, anger, and utter and complete bullshit. I had so many people to apologize to, so many people I had to beg for forgiveness.

  I spent the rest of the morning doing mundane shit around the apartment. Drew had left a little after we’d talked to meet Rachel before class. She was pissed, but she’d forgive him. At this point, I’d lied to him just as much as everyone else. Maybe they could bond over how much of an asshole I’d been.

  He also warned me that he’d be working tonight, so it would be just Rachel and me this afternoon. No part of me was looking forward to that confrontation, but avoiding her would only make matters worse. By one o’clock, I was pacing the living room, fidgety, anxious, and on edge. For the first time since I’d started college, I wished I had class on Fridays. Knowing I had three full days with nothing to do, that I wouldn’t see or speak to Skylar, made my stomach twist and flip.

  I’d picked up my phone a dozen times to call her, but after getting her voice mail a few times, it almost hurt more knowing she wasn’t even giving me the option to contact her. I was so torn about what to do. On the one hand, I needed to give her space, let her calm down. On the other, she’d been fed some monumental untruths. I needed, at the very least, to set the record straight about Terri.

  I remembered how hurt Skylar had been when she told me about that douche Jeremy. There was no way I could let her think I’d done the same thing. The front door slammed, jolting me from my thoughts, my entire body stiffening in response. I drew in a deep breath and stuffed my hands into my pockets before facing the entry.

  Rachel hung her purse and kicked off her shoes before dropping her books onto the table. She’d yet to even glance my way. I rocked up on the balls of my feet, completely unsure what I should do. She took a few steps toward the living room before spinning around and heading back into the kitchen.

  “Shit,” I whispered, yanking my hands from my pockets and rubbing them up and down the front of my jeans. I could hear her moving around the kitchen, random cabinet doors slamming. I fell onto the couch, resting my elbows on my knees as I waited. After she slammed a few more doors, I heard her shuffling her feet across the floor.

  I lifted my gaze and watched as she crossed the living room and sat in the chair across from me, her eyes facing forward, chin lifted, and shoulders back. I’d rather she yell and scream at me than this calm, indifferent shit. I waited as she grabbed a magazine off the coffee table and flipped through the pages nonchalantly. I waited as she took slow sips from her wineglass. When she flipped on the television, I couldn’t stand it any longer.

  “Rachel—”

  “I’m so mad at you right now,” she hissed, her voice low, biting.

  I pressed my lips together, unsure if I should try to speak to her again. She set her glass down and faced me, her eyes scanning me from head to toe.

  “You look like shit.”

  I looked at my clothes. They were the same I’d worn yesterday. I hadn’t noticed the blood on my jeans and the bottom of my shirt until now.

  “Does it hurt?” she asked, her eyes focused on my hand.

  I studied my knuckles. They were swollen and bruised, with dried blood caked around the split skin. I shrugged and nodded, ’cause, yeah, it did kind of fucking hurt.

  “Good.”

  “C’mon, Rachel.” I had no idea what to say. I had no excuse. But it didn’t matter, because the comment was all she needed to let out everything she’d been holding in since she’d walked through the door.

  “C’mon, Rachel, what, Brennan?” She mocked, sitting straighter in her chair. “C’mon, Rachel, don’t be mad that I was a huge fucking jerk who used a girl to get back at an asshole who wasn’t even worth it? Or c’mon, Rachel, don’t be mad that I asked Drew to keep shit from you because I knew you would rat my ass out. Or how about c’mon, Rachel, don’t be mad that I pulled you into my lies and made you cover for me without even knowing.”

  She jumped up from the chair and came around the coffee table until she was directly in front of me and sat on the edge so we were at eye level. “No, wait. I have it. I know,” she sneered. “It’s c’mon, Rachel, don’t be mad that I fucked up my relationship with the best fucking thing that’s ever happened to me, who also happened to become one of your best friends. Does that about cover it, Brennan?” Her breathing was heavy, her eyes blazing as she angrily swiped tears from her cheeks.

  I dropped my eyes to the floor in shame. I w
orked my jaw, trying to get my emotions under control. Having Rachel spell out everything I’d done in such a blunt, simple way was just as effective as reading those damn pages ripped from my journal. But the burn in my nose and the tightening in my throat would not be suppressed; neither would the ragged breath I sucked in as tears gathered in the corners of my eyes. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment I became such a pussy, but I was pretty sure it coincided with when I fell in love with Skylar.

  “I get it,” I choked, pressing my palms into my eyes. “I fucked up. Bad. I have no excuse. I’m an asshole.” She was quiet for a minute before letting out a huge sigh.

  “Were,” Rachel argued, her voice so soft I barely heard her.

  “What?”

  “You were an asshole. A major one. I’m so damn disappointed in you, but that guy you were last summer and apparently when you wrote that disgusting shit in your journal, that’s not who you are.” She reached out and put her hand on my knee and squeezed.

  I lifted my head and met her gaze, her eyes reflecting none of the anger from before, but the disappointment was unmistakable.

  “I’m sorry, Rachel. I’m sorry for everything.”

  “I know you are, but I’m not ready to forgive you. I can’t believe you lied to me. I thought we were closer than that, Brennan. I never thought you would put your brother in the position where he had to keep something from me. Although, I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. Look what you’ve kept from Skylar, and you’re in love with her.”

  I winced. As much as I had hurt Drew and Rachel, it was nothing, not even a blip, compared to what I’d done to Skylar.

  “Have you talked to her?” I asked quietly.

  “My relationship with Skylar is none of your business,” she stormed, the break in her voice letting me know she hadn’t.

  “I don’t know what to do.”

  “Well, you better figure it out because I won’t help you. You don’t deserve my help. You don’t deserve anyone’s help. You made this mess, and you should suffer through fixing it. If you can fix it.”