Practice to Deceive

by Olivia Evans

  “Brennan, move your ass, or we’re going to start without you!” a female voice yelled from somewhere in the background. In less than a second, all the air was vacuumed from the room.

  “Oh my God.” I laughed into the phone. I was fucking pathetic. “What am I even doing right now? What is wrong with me? Go, Brennan, obviously you’re busy.”

  “No. No fucking way,” he insisted, his voice hard as nails. “Skylar, I’m at a sports bar with my roommate, Jamie.”

  “That didn’t sound like a Jamie,” I shot back. Did he think I was an idiot? He should; I sure as fuck was acting like one right now.

  “Because that was Ashley. She’s also at the academy. Both her and her girlfriend, Jill,” he stressed, like there was some hidden meaning I was supposed to figure out.

  “Right.” My voice dripped with sarcasm.

  “Skylar, this isn’t a fucking game to me,” he said, his voice low and controlled. If I closed my eyes, I could imagine his breath against my ear. “I love you. I want to be with you. I’m going to do every fucking thing I have to for that to happen.” He pulled in a ragged breath, and when he spoke again, his words were barely above a whisper.

  “And I don’t cheat. After everything that’s happened and why it happened, no matter what you think you don’t know about me―you know that.”

  I stumbled back into the bedroom and fell onto the bed. I couldn’t make sense of anything, but if nothing else, I didn’t think he was a cheater. A liar, user, and a heartbreaker, sure, but not a cheater. “But we aren’t together right now, are we?”

  “Nothing’s changed for me, Skylar. You’re the only person I want to be with. Until you tell me we have no hope, until you demand that I leave you alone, that’s not going to change. Probably not even after that.”

  I sighed and cleared my throat. He always knew exactly what to say. “You know, if this FBI thing doesn’t work out, there’s always Hallmark,” I joked, deflecting.

  “I’m not trying to sound like a fucking greeting card. I’m telling you how I feel about you.”

  “You’re everywhere I look, everywhere I go. It makes me miss you, and that pisses me off.”

  “What can I do?” He sounded so desperate. I felt like an asshole for the satisfaction that jolted through me.

  I had to end this conversation, even if I had to pull a page from his book and fake it. Lie. “Just keep doing what you’re doing.” I yawned. Tomorrow was going to suck ass.

  “I’m glad you drunk-dialed me,” he said, sounding a little more relaxed.

  “Ugh, shut up. At least I didn’t threaten to sleep on your doorstep.”

  “Are you going to remember this in the morning?”

  “I hope not.”

  “I’ll be sure to remind you,” he promised.

  “I’m sure you will. Goodnight, Brennan.”

  “Night, Skylar.”

  I woke the next morning with a pounding headache and a feeling of dread. The night before came back in flashes, and each fragment of memory pulled me into a quicksand pit of embarrassment. That was, until I remembered hearing some girl call his name. An ember of jealousy and anger flared under my skin, dulling my humiliation. Last night, he’d been so convincing, but that wasn’t anything new. He’d been a superb liar since the day he walked into my life. In my drunk state, I’d wanted to believe him. But now? I wasn’t so sure. I was so sick of feeling torn. So sick of wondering about his motives and sincerity. Fuck it. I needed to sort my shit out. Brennan would just have to wait.

  That afternoon, I called the aquarium and, after a brief conversation with Dr. Walsh, set up an interview for the following day. I’d spent way too much time trying to deal with or push my feelings to the side. Right now, I needed to go on about my life without him being the driving force behind my emotions.

  For the next two weeks, it worked. Sort of. I landed the job at the aquarium, quit the coffee shop with a not-so-fond farewell to Laura and directed all my focus on what I wanted and needed for a change. I also cut off communication with Brennan. I felt a bit childish and a little vindictive, but also justified. I wasn’t the one who wrecked our relationship.

  Brennan, much to my surprise, didn’t give up. He still called, emailed, and texted as much as always, seemingly unfazed by my lack of response. Or so I thought until I had lunch with Rachel.

  “Can I ask you something?” she said, her words tentative. I felt a flutter of nerves before giving her an unsure nod. It was the first time I’d seen her since we’d gone day-drinking. Since I drunk-dialed Brennan.

  “Drew said you were done with Brennan. Is that true?” Rachel’s face was etched with regret. We weren’t supposed to talk about Brennan. That was the rule.

  I took a bite from my sandwich and averted my gaze. “Oh? Did Brennan tell him that?” I hated how the flutter in my belly turned into sinking boulders.

  “No. Brennan called last night and said he hadn’t heard from you in two weeks. Drew tried to convince him maybe that was your way of letting him know it was over, but Brennan wasn’t buying it, and frankly, neither am I. He told Drew about your drunk-dial and where he was when you called.” Rachel sighed and leaned forward, placing her arms on the table. “Look. I’m not trying to butt in, but have you made up your mind? Are you done?”

  I dropped my sandwich onto my plate, my lunch no longer appetizing. “Is that why you wanted to meet for lunch today? To talk about Brennan?”

  Rachel’s jaw tightened. “I asked you to lunch because you’re my friend and I haven’t seen you since you started your new job. I didn’t realize avoiding Brennan meant cutting me out too.” Her mouth was turned down at the corners, and I could tell by the look in her eyes that I’d hurt her. Shit.

  “I wasn’t avoiding you.” I rubbed the tips of my fingers against my temples. “Or maybe I was. I don’t know. I wanted to see what my life would be like without Brennan and everyone that reminded me of him.”

  Rachel fell back in her chair, her eyes glassy. “And how’s that working out for you?” Her voice was flat, her face emotionless.

  After a moment, I admitted what I’d been denying to myself. “Shitty.” I might not have responded to a single text, email, and voice mail from Brennan, but that didn’t mean I hadn’t read and listened to every one of them. If he’d stopped trying to contact me… Well, I wasn’t sure what I would have felt. God, I was an asshole.

  “So, you’re punishing him?”

  “Shouldn’t I?” I snapped back.

  “Yup,” Rachel answered right away, much to my surprise. Whatever she saw in my face caused her expression to morph into a sad, soft smile. “He hurt you. Of course you should make him suffer. But to what end? If you don’t feel any better, what are you gaining?”

  My eyes fell shut, and my shoulders slumped forward. “Absolutely nothing. I’m not trying to move on. I don’t want to move on. I just want to hurt him like he’s hurt me. And ignoring you was wrong. You were just…” The words died in my throat as I realized what I was about to say. Rachel had been collateral damage. In my quest to hurt Brennan, I’d hurt her as well. I was doing the same thing he had done. What the fuck was wrong with me?

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. Just don’t do it again.” She smiled, and her voice held a teasing tone that let me know I was forgiven. “So, no more silent treatment?”

  “Toward you or Brennan?” I joked.

  “Me, of course. Brennan can fend for himself. Although I don’t know how long I’d wait. He’s been known to go to drastic measures to get what he wants. You happen to be the one he has his eyes set on.”

  I laughed and felt a little of the weight on my shoulders lift. “No more silent treatment. For either of you. But I can’t call him right now. I should already be inside.”

  Rachel looked over her shoulder at the aquarium and nodded before standing and giving me a hug. “Don’t be a stranger. And rules or not, if you need to talk, I’m here.”

  “Thanks, Rache
l.”

  I hurried back into the lobby, stumbling when I ran into my coworker, Tucker. “Whoa there,” he laughed, steadying me. “Where’s the fire?”

  I flushed and pulled away. “I’m running late from lunch.”

  Tucker shrugged and ran his hand through his curly, sandy-blond hair. “It’s cool. Things have been pretty quiet today.”

  I shifted and glanced at my watch. Tucker was a nice guy and we’d hung out a few times, but he was interested in more than friendship, and that was the last thing I needed. My phone rang, and I dug it out of my purse, my heart racing when I saw Brennan’s name on the screen. I grimaced and hit ignore. After two weeks of radio silence from me, this wasn’t the best time or place to finally answer.

  “Are we still on for dinner?” Tucker asked, his eyes drifting to my phone.

  “Actually, I’m going to take a rain check. I’ve had something come up. But I’m sure Charlotte is still interested.” Charlotte worked at the aquarium with us. I’d taken to dragging her along once I realized Tucker’s intentions. I thought he would have gotten the hint, but clearly I needed to do better at communicating my feelings.

  “Hot date?” he joked, his eyes moving to my phone again just as a text came through. The message on the screen caused my eyes to widen and my mouth to fall open.

  “Shit. Excuse me.” I didn’t wait for a response before darting off to an empty hallway and reading the message again.

  Found a flight to Seattle leaving in two hours. Call me back, or I’ll be on it.

  My hands shook as I pressed send and waited for the call to connect. It rang once.

  “Skylar?”

  “Hey,” I whispered.

  “‘Hey’? That’s all you have to say? Not a word in two weeks and you say ‘hey’? What the fuck, Skylar?” He was pissed. It caused my own anger to rise.

  “What do you want me to say, Brennan?” I snapped. “That you say the most perfect fucking things ever? Because yes, you do, but you’re also a liar. A good fucking liar. When I heard those girls at the bar, even though I know what you said about them… You’ve made me doubt so many things.” My emotions were on the verge of erupting. “I’m terrified. And embarrassed. And just―” A wreck, I thought, my vision blurring. Now was not the time for this conversation.

  “Why are you embarrassed?” His voice was lower, concerned. It only made things worse. Why did I have to fall for this man? If he wanted honesty, I was going to give it to him.

  “Because everything is so messed up! I have this wonderful job, I have Rachel, but I also have this part of me that’s empty and can’t be filled. And to top it all off, you’ve turned me into someone I don’t recognize. Never in my life have I wanted to be such a vindictive bitch. Never have I wanted to hurt someone as much as I want to hurt you, and all of it is thanks to you.”

  “Skylar.” I could hear the pain in his voice. “I want you. Only you. I will do anything to prove that. Anything you want, it’s yours. But please, please don’t fucking shut me out.”

  “I’m sorry. And I shouldn’t be sorry. I shouldn’t apologize for anything. But I know you’re trying, and I’m being a bitch. This is just so hard for me.”

  “Be mad at me. Yell at me. Cuss me out, I don’t care. But please don’t do that again. Please.”

  “Why did you do this to us, Brennan?” I whispered. “Why can’t I get over it and be with you like my heart wants?”

  “Because I hurt you,” he murmured. “You have every right to guard yourself from me, but I want to be with you. I want you to know me, the real me. Please give me that chance.”

  “I want to know the real you, but who is he?”

  “You know him, he’s just tainted right now. I promise to help you see me again, but I can’t do that if you avoid me. I know you don’t trust me about very many things, but trust I only want you. I will do whatever it takes to prove myself to you.”

  “How are we going to be able to do this?” Even I could hear the frustration in my words.

  “We’ll figure it out.”

  “I’m sorry I ignored you, I just—”

  “Don’t apologize to me. I don’t deserve it. Did I miss the fuck out of you? Yes. Was I worried? Yes. Am I grateful not talking is abnormal again? Fuck yes.”

  “Dad asked how you were doing,” I said after a beat of silence. I needed to change the subject. Tread to shallower waters.

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah. It seems you really are everywhere I go.”

  “Skylar—”

  “Shit,” I interrupted when I saw Dr. Walsh with Tucker. “I’ve got to get back to work.”

  “Okay. I’ll call you soon. Do you promise you’ll answer?”

  “I promise.” There was no denying it; I wanted him too. Now I just had to get out of my head and let my heart find its way once more. Just as he said goodbye, I stopped him. “Will you do me a favor?”

  “Anything.”

  “Write me another letter.” I’d never tell him how many times I’d read the one he’d sent or how the words were so faded from folding that if I didn’t know it by heart, I wouldn’t know what he’d written.

  “Of course. Goodbye, Skylar.”

  “Goodbye,” I whispered before slipping the phone back into my purse. No more bullshit, no more stalling or silent treatment. It was time to put up or shut up. I was terrified, but nothing worth having was ever easy.

  “What do you keep looking at?’ Grace asked, her annoyance clear.

  “I got another letter from Brennan.” I didn’t mean to sound defensive, but it seemed like the more he made me smile which, if I was honest, had been a lot these days, the more it bugged Grace. Right on cue, she rolled her eyes.

  “Go ahead, read it. You won’t pay attention to anything else until you do.”

  I wanted to respond with something snarky, but she was right. I ripped open the envelope and unfolded the letter.

  Skylar,

  The heat here is unbearable, and it never seems to rain. There are no mountains to see from a ferry, and the trees are too short. I don’t believe it’s possible for the scenery to be more different from Seattle.

  And still, I see you everywhere.

  I know you think because I’m here, because I have so much on my plate, I have some sort of advantage and don’t have reminders of you everywhere I go, but you’re wrong. You underestimate the effect you have on me. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, you’re always with me. When I drink coffee in the morning, I think about you. When I’m at the firing range, I think about you. Riding the bus, listening to music, fuck, even the color red yanks my mind to you. Always you.

  When I was sixteen, my mom made me go with her to a nursing home to drop off food and clothes she’d decided to donate. I bitched and moaned like any other sixteen-year-old boy, but she wouldn’t let me out of it. I sulked the entire way there, and once we’d unloaded the boxes, I found a corner to hide in while she did whatever it was she did there.

  An old man in a wheelchair rolled over to me and started asking all these questions about school, sports, and girls. I wanted to tell him to go away, to leave me alone, but I knew Mom would kick my ass, so I answered his questions and listened to his stories.

  This man, Skylar, he had such passion. The way he talked about his life, all I could think was―I want that. I wanted to look back on my life when I was older and be able to feel at least an ounce of the passion and happiness he did. If I could, even if it was only a little, well, then I’d be okay with how things turned out for me.

  I went back and saw him several times over the next few months. He talked about his two kids, five grandchildren, and his wife who had passed away earlier in the year. The way his eyes would light up and fade with the different memories he shared, the way he talked about her, how she made him feel, it was amazing. I never truly understood the depths of what he meant, couldn’t imagine a love so strong that no amount of time would ever be enough, that the intensity of those feelings would
never fade.

  Until now anyway.

  I get it now. Thank you for giving me that.

  Love,

  Brennan

  God, I missed him. Lately, it had become easier to admit that. I wanted to see his face and smell his skin. I was still cautious, but mostly hopeful. Grace cleared her throat, and when I looked at her, I knew she just didn’t get it. She didn’t understand. I glanced between her and the letter a couple times before thrusting it toward her.

  “Read it.” I wasn’t sure it would do any good, but if she could just see him from another angle, have something to replace the memory of me after I’d read his journal, maybe she could at least not act like a pit bull every time his name came up. She eyed me for a second before taking the letter and settling back on my sofa. I took a sip of my wine and watched her face, analyzing every twitch of the muscles in her face. Slowly, I saw the lines around her eyes and mouth soften.

  “Well, shit,” she said before clearing her throat. “I’ll give him this, he wields his words like a weapon.”

  “I don’t expect his words to have the same impact on you as they do on me, but if nothing else, you can see he’s trying. Before, everything he shared with me about his life was superficial. Now, I feel like I’m getting to know a completely different side of him. And I like it, a lot. So please don’t make me feel bad for wanting this. Wanting him.”

  Grace sighed. “I want you to be happy. I do. I just can’t shake the memory of seeing you that day or the weeks that followed. I’m scared for you.”

  “I’m scared too. Fuck, I’m terrified. Brennan Dixon has the potential to break me a thousand different ways. But he completes me in a way I believe only he can. To not explore the possibility of what we could be at least once more isn’t something I can live with.”

  “Are you saying not giving him another chance is more terrifying than him breaking your heart again?”

  “That’s exactly what I’m saying. I have to know, one way or another.”