by Olivia Evans
Dinner tonight?
I swallowed and thought about how to respond before tightening my jaw. I wasn’t going to lie. She would have to get over herself.
Can’t. Brennan is back in town. Chat later.
Yes, we will. Be careful.
I was surprised she hadn’t said more, but grateful. I had enough going on in my head; I didn’t need her jumping into the fray. I checked the time again and decided it was close enough to five. I headed toward the lobby, stopping when I heard Dr. Walsh call out Brennan’s name. I moved to get a better view, smiling when Dr. Walsh clapped him on the shoulder in such a fatherly way. It was obvious Dr. Walsh was fond of him. Tucker, however, who was also standing with Dr. Walsh, did not hold the same level of affection.
“What are you doing back? I thought you were going to be in Virginia for a couple more months.”
Brennan straightened his shoulders, his body language cocky, smug, as his eyes slid to Tucker. He was such an arrogant asshole. I couldn’t believe how much I’d missed him. “We don’t have training on Monday, so they let us come home for a long weekend.”
“I still can’t believe you’re going into the FBI. I’m so proud of you. Your dad can’t stop talking about it,” Dr. Walsh said.
“Dad’s just happy I got a job so he doesn’t have to worry about me moving back home,” he joked.
“So, what brings you here?”
Brennan smirked. I could feel the testosterone saturating the air. “I’m here to meet Skylar.”
Tucker stiffened, his lips pressing into a thin line. I rolled my eyes. Boys.
“Skylar? Our Skylar?” Dr. Walsh asked, surprise written on his face. My throat tightened and my chest filled. Brennan really hadn’t talked to Dr. Walsh about me. He’d told me the truth.
“Yeah.” Brennan grinned, cupping the back of his neck like he did when he felt awkward or shy. His eyes drifted toward the aquarium like he was looking for me.
“You met her before training, then?”
“We met last year.”
“She’s the reason you worked all those hours to get this place to yourself for Valentine’s Day,” Dr. Walsh said with a small laugh. “It all makes sense now. Except why you didn’t tell me about her when I called you earlier this summer asking for help.”
“Skylar likes to make her own way. I didn’t want her to feel like I’d pulled any strings for her.”
“Funny,” Tucker cut in. “All the times we’ve hung out, she’s never mentioned you.” That was my cue to step in before this conversation ended with Tucker in the hospital.
“Hey,” I said, walking toward the three of them, my eyes locked on Brennan.
“Hey you.” He extended his arm, curling his finger around my belt loop and tugging me forward.
“Whoa,” I gasped, stumbling into him. We stood frozen, staring at each other. Brennan seemed just as shocked as I was by what he’d done. Thankfully, Dr. Walsh rescued us from our awkward moment.
“Thanks for getting those reports to me so quickly, Skylar.”
“Oh. Yeah. It was no problem. None at all. I was happy to help,” I rambled, my gaze moving from Dr. Walsh to Brennan’s hand before sliding up the length of his arm and landing on his face.
He smiled softly, shrugging apologetically and mouthing “Sorry” as he slowly uncurled his fingers and let his arm drop. Some habits were apparently harder to break than others. Not that I wanted to break that habit; I just wasn’t sure I was ready for it yet.
“‘It’s okay,” I mouthed back.
“It was good seeing you again, Dr. Walsh,” Brennan said, distracted. He couldn’t take his eyes off me. I felt like, at any moment, I would burst into flames.
“You too, Brennan.” He clapped his shoulder. “Be sure to tell your dad I said hello.”
“Yes, sir.” Brennan nodded, shaking his hand.
“You two have fun,” Dr. Walsh said before walking back into the aquarium.
“Ready?” Brennan asked.
“Yeah.”
“Hey, Skylar!” Tucker called after we’d taken a few steps toward the door. I’d forgotten he was there.
I stopped and turned, giving him a small smile. “Yeah?”
“I’ll see you on Sunday, right? At my place?” he added, his eyes drifting to Brennan. He thought he was slick, but I knew what he was trying to do.
“I said maybe, remember?” I said sweetly. I’d hoped he wouldn’t do this. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I wasn’t going to play this game.
“But you’re going to try, right? I mean, we haven’t hung out in a while.”
Brennan stiffened and I sighed. This was so stupid. “Tucker, please stop trying to have a pissing contest with Brennan. Not only is it annoying, it’s completely uncalled for.” My words were abrupt, forceful. Tucker flinched before averting his eyes and shuffling the papers in front of him.
“Sorry,” he mumbled.
“No worries. See you later.” I turned my attention back to Brennan. “Ready?” He nodded and pushed open the door, following me out into the street.
“So, ice cream?” He grinned, holding out his elbow. I glanced at his arm before lifting my hand and wrapping my fingers around his biceps. Jesus.
We walked in silence, surrounded by the white noise of the city. It had been so long since we had been like this. I remembered Sunday afternoons and how we’d lie face-to-face on my couch with the television playing in the background. We’d talk softly about our day, or not talk at all, instead just being together, touching each other, breathing each other in. I missed it so fucking much.
He led us over to one of the ice cream shops near the pier and pulled me toward the counter. “What are you having?”
“Vanilla bean, in a cone, two scoops.” The guy behind the counter looked at Brennan, his face bored.
“I’ll have the same.”
I moved to slip my hand from his arm, but he raised his forearm and caught my hand in the bend of his elbow. I smiled at his desire to keep our bodies connected. I grabbed our ice cream and moved toward the pier while he paid. The weather was clear and the sun blanketed us.
“You like working at the aquarium?” Brennan asked, his eyes trained on my lips as I sucked the melting ice cream into my mouth. My body tingled. He cleared his throat and looked away. I couldn’t help but smile. He was trying so hard to be good, it was almost painful to watch.
“It’s great. I love working there.”
“And you like the people you work with?” He tried to sound casual. He failed miserably. It looked like we were having this conversation now.
“Tucker is a friend. I’m not sure what the hell that was back there, but I didn’t tolerate it from him, and I won’t tolerate it from you either.”
He nodded, but instead of dropping the subject, he went full caveman. “I mean, it’s not like there’s a contest anyway, right?”
Why was everything a contest with men? It reminded me how we ended up in this situation in the first place, and I had to draw a deep breath to keep from losing my patience. I decided to be blunt. “He’s interested,” I confirmed even though it was obvious Brennan was well aware.
He swallowed thickly, and it seemed, for the first time, like he was nervous about Tucker. As tempting as it was to make him sweat a little, I didn’t. No games. “But I’m not.” I shrugged, my eyes fixed on the pier in front of us.
“No?” he whispered. The fact that I was standing next to him should have told him everything he needed to know. Idiot. Beautiful, fucking broken idiot.
“Nope.” We moved farther down the pier, finishing our ice cream in silence. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” I asked once we’d reached the end.
“Well,” he sighed, extending his arms and gripping the railing in front of him, his gaze focused on the water. “I could say I wanted to surprise you, and that would be the truth, just not the entire truth.” He drew in a deep breath and twisted so he was facing me, one hand still clutching the rail
ing while his other hung at his side.
“I was worried you wouldn’t want to see me. And showing up without warning was manipulative and selfish, and it forced you into a situation you might not be ready for, and I’m sorry for that. But, Skylar,” he whispered, stepping closer and cradling my cheek in his hand. “I fucking miss you.”
My heart began to thud as he brushed the pad of his thumb along my skin, his eyes sweeping over my face, until this gaze settled on my freckle. His freckle. The one I stared at in the mirror, trying to see myself the way he did. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to my cheek, right over the freckle. My breath caught.
“I missed this,” he murmured. “I fucking ache for you.”
“Brennan,” I choked, grasping his wrist with my hand, not pushing him away or pulling him closer, just holding. I couldn’t move.
“Hang out with me this weekend. I’m not asking you to change your plans. Just make some time for me. Be with me. Let us have this. We need this,” he stressed, his head falling forward until our foreheads rested against each other.
I was quiet for a minute as a million emotions warred inside me. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah, but you have to let me take things at my own pace,” I insisted. “And maybe wear looser shirts.” I let out a choked laugh and looked away. I refused to allow myself to think about what he looked like without his shirt.
“Sorry, they all pretty much fit like this now.” He shrugged. He didn’t look sorry at all.
“Then we should go shopping. You need clothes that fit better. Is this what you’ve been wearing in Virginia?” I pulled his hand away from my face and laced our fingers together.
“No, we mainly wear standard-issue black T-shirts with FBI logos and cargo pants. Why?”
“Fuck,” I exhaled, causing him to smirk. I was so busted. Asshole. But it was nice. Things had been so strained between us, I was grateful for the lighter moments.
“We can go shopping. You can hang out in the dressing room with me.” He laughed when I pulled my hand from his and smacked his arm.
“You’re an asshole,” I chuckled. “Go shopping with your mom.”
We spent the next couple hours talking about my job, how training was going for him, and all the little things we’d missed during our phone calls, emails, and texts. After letting him know I had to work the next day but would be around after, we got on different buses and headed home for the night.
As I got ready for bed that night, I couldn’t help but notice how different I felt. I felt settled, like a knot was slowing unraveling inside me. Just before I closed my eyes, I sent Brennan a text.
Goodnight. See you tomorrow.
I can’t wait.
He replied a second later. When I fell asleep that night, there were no bad dreams. It was the best night’s sleep I’d had in over four months.
I woke the next morning, disoriented. The screen on my phone flashed, alerting me that I had a message. I blinked the sleep away and opened the screen.
You have a delivery on your doorstep. It’s not me. Promise.
I laughed and pulled on a pair of shorts before walking to the front door. Sitting on my doorstep was a thermos full of coffee and a box of muffins with a note attached.
I hope you have a good day. See you soon. -Brennan
I poured a cup of coffee and sat down with my muffin, my mind buzzing. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was going to end up the happiest woman on the planet, or completely and irreparably broken.
I was utterly useless at work. I should have called in sick. Grace and Rachel texted nonstop, asking a million questions I wasn’t going to answer. Then there was Brennan. He texted throughout the day, counting down how much longer until we saw each other again. It was sweet. And ridiculous. And perfect. After a little back-and-forth, we decided to have dinner then hit up a comedy club I’d heard about.
At five o’clock, I walked out of the aquarium to find Brennan leaning against a column, a sweet smile on his face. I swept my eyes over his body and shook my head. Clearly, he hadn’t taken my advice and gone shopping. He had on his favorite Led Zeppelin shirt, and much like the shirt he wore the day before, it fit him in obscene ways.
Instead of stroking his ego even more, I said nothing as we made our way to dinner. Once we’d been seated and had beers in hand, I relaxed into my seat. “How was your day?”
“Good. Spent time with my parents. They said hello.”
I nodded. I wasn’t sure why his parents knowing we were spending time together made me uncomfortable, but it did. Maybe it was the added pressure of realizing how many people were rooting for us to work everything out.
“I like the haircut,” I said, deflecting. The last time I’d seen him, his hair had been long and falling in his eyes. A mess of chaos. Now, it was buzzed close to his scalp. Military-style. He ran his hand over his head and smiled.
“Thanks.”
I wasn’t sure why, but everything suddenly felt so awkward. “I talked to Matt,” I blurted out. Well, that certainly wasn’t going to make the situation less awkward. Jesus.
“Yeah?” he asked, his eyes locked with mine.
“He told me he emailed you.”
Brenned nodded. “He did.”
“Were you going to tell me about it?” I asked. I wasn’t sure why it mattered, but I was curious.
He sighed and fell back in his chair. “Honestly? I have no idea what to do about so many things. Do you know how many scenarios I consider before doing the smallest things?”
“What do you mean?” I asked, even though I knew exactly what he meant. It was nice to know I wasn’t alone. I second-guessed every decision I made.
“Like when I’m deciding where to eat, I wonder if you’ll call while I’m out and think I’m doing something I shouldn’t be. Or if Jamie asks me to go to a movie, I wonder if you call and I don’t answer, if you’ll think I’m ignoring you. Or if I make friends with people at training, I wonder if you’ll think it means I’m happy or care less,” he answered, his eyes earnest.
I thought about how I’d reacted when Tucker met Matt. How I’d worried he would get the wrong impression. I never would have given something like that a second thought before. We were both trapped in the maze of his deceit. “None of that is my fault, Brennan.”
“I know. I’m not blaming you. I made this mess, but I overanalyze every fucking decision I make because I’m terrified of how you will react. Terrified it will be the wrong choice and I will push you away.” He groaned and rolled his neck. “I don’t know how to explain it to you. This is all on me, I know that. I told myself I’d tell you about Matt if you asked, but if not, then I would leave it alone. Not because I was trying to keep anything from you, but there was no point in bringing up something that might not even happen.”
He reached out and grabbed my hand as he leaned over the table to get closer. “I’m not perfect, Skylar. I’m going to make mistakes. Stupid ones. But I promise you, I will never do anything to intentionally hurt you, and I will never lie to you again. It’s up to you whether or not you choose to believe that. I love you. You’re all I want.”
I tucked my chin and drew in a deep breath before meeting his gaze. Hearing him say he loved me still caused an ache to bloom in my chest. “I don’t expect you to be perfect, Brennan. You weren’t perfect before, and I liked you. I just want to know I can trust you.”
“Not to sound pathetic, but how am I doing with that?” He tried to keep his tone light, joking, but it didn’t take a genius to figure out how completely serious he was. “Being so far apart makes it difficult to prove to you that I’m not the same man you first met, but you have to know that everything I’ve done since Christmas is real. All of it.”
“I’ve had time to think about so much. With your letters and having people to talk to, even Matt, whom I’ve got to say my first instinct was to tell to fuck off, helped. I just need to get to a point where I can stop doubting so much. I promise not to d
isappear again until we work things out one way or the other, but I can’t keep feeling like I can’t trust you. That’s no way to live.” I hoped he could see the desperation in my eyes for him to understand.
“I’ll wait as long as you need,” he promised, his voice so full of sincerity, I had no choice but to believe him. The knot in my chest loosened a little more.
Once our food arrived, we relaxed and moved on to safer, easier conversations. After dinner, we went to the comedy club and laughed until we were in tears, the atmosphere fun and happy and so much like we used to be, but better. Because even with everything wrong between us, it was all out in the open. No secrets.
It took some work, but he convinced me to let him walk me home. I worried he’d push, but when he only pressed his lips to my forehead before leaving, I couldn’t ignore the lingering feeling of regret that he hadn’t pushed just a little.
We were nearly inseparable the rest of his time in Seattle. We went to the movies, hung out at the park, and watched fireworks over the Sound. It was the perfect weekend. But like all things, it had to end. I showed up at his apartment Monday morning, a feeling of dread in my stomach. I didn’t want him to go. I wasn’t sure if it was because I would miss him, or because I worried once he left, that knot in my chest would coil itself once more.
“Hey, Rachel,” I laughed as she pulled me inside and wrapped her arms around me. I dropped my purse on the floor and hugged her back.
“I’m so happy to see you!”
Just as I opened my mouth to speak, Brennan walked into the room. His eyes bored into me in a way that liquified my insides. He looked at me like a dying man determined to take a breath he no longer had. He walked over to us and dropped his suitcase next to my purse.