The Boy I Love

by Lynda Bellingham

  Sally stopped him, saying, ‘Hang on a minute, Jeremy. Please, just slow down. What are you trying to say – that you have caught this virus? And what about Eddie – is he involved in all this? Come on, just take it slowly, and tell me everything.’ She held Jeremy’s hand and did not let go until he had finished talking her through everything that had happened, including the visit to see Robert.

  Sally tried to understand exactly what Jeremy was saying. ‘So you have both had a test and it is highly likely that you could develop this virus and die?’ Her voice petered out to a whisper.

  ‘They have to monitor us over the next few weeks,’ replied Jeremy.

  ‘What about your parents?’ ventured Sally. ‘Have you talked to them?’

  ‘No, of course not! How can I, Sally? They don’t even know I am gay, never mind a potential victim of some fucking killer disease. And can you imagine what it is like for Eddie? If Lord Graham finds out his son is gay, he will go crazy! It is the worst possible mess, and I have no idea what we are going to do.’ Jeremy broke down again.

  ‘What are we going to do, Giles?’ Edward Graham was sitting opposite Giles Longfellow in his office. Giles was clasping his head in his hands, wishing it would stop thumping.

  ‘I will be ruined!’ Teddie went on. ‘Never mind dead! Oh Christ Almighty. We are not promiscuous, Giles, so how did this happen?’

  The other man groaned. ‘How many more times do you want me to have to grovel, Teddie? I had an affair with Robert last year, and I had no idea he was infected. For whatever reason, he didn’t see fit to tell me. Please God we are clear. We will know soon enough. Just try and hold yourself together until we know for sure.’

  ‘If Tanya found out I had been having this affair with you, she would divorce me,’ said Edward, running all the possible disasters through his head.

  ‘I doubt it,’ retorted Giles. ‘I think you will find she knows all about you, Teddie, dear boy, and chooses to look the other way. She has no intention of rocking the family boat because of your peccadillos!’

  ‘You may well be right,’ sighed Edward. ‘But what about the children? Poor Eddie will never forgive me.’

  This was the moment Giles had been dreading. He had discussed the matter with Jeremy and Eddie, and they had all decided that it would be Giles who broke the news to Lord Graham of his son’s affair with Robert and his subsequent relationship with Jeremy – and where that left them in this horror story.

  Giles was often criticized for being a weak man in many respects, but he accepted his responsibility to his friends and loved ones, and in this case his love for Edward Graham overcame any qualms he might have had about facing this head on.

  ‘Teddie, there is no easy way to tell you this. But I want you to know how much I love you and will always be there for you and Eddie. You are going to have to spend a good deal of time with your son over the next few days and weeks, and it is going to hurt you so much I can hardly imagine how you will cope. But you will because you are a strong and loving man. Teddie, my dearest heart, your son is also gay. He is having a relationship with the young actor from our company here called Jeremy – you have met him. Tragically, last year Eddie had a fling with Robert Johnson, so he too is under threat of this insidious disease, as is his lover.’ He was stopped by a bloodcurdling cry and groans from Lord Graham. The sounds were primeval. He was like a wounded animal at bay.

  Giles went to get him a brandy. The man was rocking backwards and forwards in the chair, moaning and whimpering, and calling out his son’s name. Giles made him drink the brandy and waited for it to take effect. He was trying to decide the best plan of action. Should he take Lord Graham home, or keep him in a hotel or his flat, until he was calm and in control, and they knew for certain what their futures were going to be? Eddie was back at Crewe Hall, he knew from Jeremy, and it was probably not a good idea for father and son to meet there. So there were not many options. He had not had time to consider his own predicament, which was pretty grim by any standards. But he refused to think about that now. He had to sort out Edward.

  ‘He can’t be gay,’ Edward was muttering to himself. ‘I won’t let him be gay. The Graham name must go on. He will do as I tell him and marry, and have a son and heir as I did. He will stop this nonsense right now.’ The more he talked himself up, the angrier he was becoming.

  Giles took him by the shoulders. ‘Teddie, look at me. Look at me! Can you hear yourself? Really hear? Your son may be dying – you may be dying. Right this minute we all need each other. We need to love and support each other, do you hear me?’ He looked into his friend’s eyes and could see only panic and fear and loathing.

  ‘Damn you, Giles! I blame you for this. You are a weak man who has always followed his cock! Why couldn’t you just keep your dirty habit to yourself? We could have been so happy forever with our secret. Now my son has fallen, and it is your bloody company of actors who have done this. They have seduced him!’ He started to moan and berate Giles again.

  Giles took no notice of the accusations because they were so ludicrous, but he could not help but feel a tinge of sadness at how quickly Teddie resorted to type, and how quick he was to stereotype actors. Theatre was to blame for corrupting society with the gay community. All ills rested at their door. The hypocrisy made him sick.

  ‘Listen, Teddie, you have to pull yourself together and decide what to do for the next couple of days. I don’t think you should go home. Why don’t we go down to London and stay in your flat until we are sure of the outcome of the tests, et cetera, and let Eddie and Jeremy cope with their situation. And then we will have to face whatever life is going to throw at us.’

  Giles suddenly felt so tired, and defeated, and sad for them all.

  It was Life or Death, simple as that.

  Chapter 47

  Sally went and sat at the back of the stalls in the dark to think. She was overwhelmed by the events taking place around her. Her own heartbreak seemed so unimportant in the great scheme of things, and yet it had left her feeling vulnerable and useless. All confidence in herself was gone. Yet now she was faced with the possibility of losing her closest friend and was completely incapable of helping him in any way. Everything was out of control; even their work was in danger from an ambitious young woman who was the Pretender to the throne. Sally watched her shouting commands to Jeremy onstage. Sarah Kelly was like an eagle in her eyrie swooping down every now and then to chivvy the actors along. Poor Jeremy, thought Sally, how can he concentrate on singing at a time like this? How long would he have to wait for the results? And what on earth would happen when Eddie was discovered to be gay by his father? Sally thought about Eddie and his promiscuous lifestyle. Jeremy was completely out of his depth on that score. Could the two of them ever have had a chance in the long run?

  Her mind turned to Dora and her life, and suddenly Sally had a terrifying thought. What if Dora had slept with Robert? She could be in danger of this dreadful virus as well. Sally got up and immediately went in search of her sister. She found her in the wings, waiting to go on for her number. Now was not the time to ask intimate questions.

  Jeremy was coming off shaking his head and swearing to himself.

  ‘That was good,’ said Sally, hoping to encourage him, but he was having none of it.

  ‘It was crap. Look, I need to get to a phone and find out if there is any news.’ He started towards the exit and the stage door.

  ‘Why don’t you come and use Heather’s phone? It is more private and I can stand guard,’ suggested Sally. ‘Let me help where I can. I know I can’t do much, but I love you, Jeremy, and want to be there for you and Eddie.’

  ‘Thanks, Sally, I appreciate it. Lead on.’ He followed Sally out of the wings to the office.

  After several attempts to find Eddie, to no avail, Jeremy decided to go and see Giles. ‘Do you know where he is?’ he asked Sally.

  ‘Not for sure, but I assume he must be in his office because I have seen him in the building,’ she answer
ed.

  ‘OK, I will go and see if I can find him. If anyone calls for me I will be back in fifteen minutes or so. Can you cover for me, please, Sally?’

  ‘Of course. Go on – go.’ Sally went back to the stage.

  ‘Ooooh! What a beauty, I’ve never seen one as big as that before.

  Oh! What a beauty, it must be two foot long or even more . . .’

  Simon was giving his all to a huge marrow which was being constructed onstage by the crew as he was rehearsing. Geoffrey and Charmaine were standing by waiting to go on next, and Sally overheard them discussing their new director.

  ‘I think she reckons she is running the National,’ moaned Charmaine. ‘She keeps giving me detailed notes about my motivation. My motivation is to sit quiet and still while you sing to me! Do I need to have a discussion about what my thoughts are as you warble away?’

  ‘Probably best not to know,’ replied Geoffrey solemnly. ‘I can only imagine what you must be thinking about. What you are going to eat for tea? Why you are here at all?’

  Charmaine laughed at this. ‘Oh now, Geoffrey, don’t be so hard on yourself. I enjoy listening to your voice, I really do.’

  Sally could not help but stifle a giggle and the other two turned round guiltily.

  ‘Oh, Sally, don’t do that! You gave us a fright.’ The two of them looked like naughty school children.

  ‘Sorry, guys, but you are a hoot. Sarah is certainly making her mark though, isn’t she? Are you coping with it OK?’

  ‘Oh God, yes!’ exclaimed Geoffrey. ‘We have been doing this too long to be put off by anything less than an earthquake. We do it ourselves most of the time anyway, don’t we?’ They all laughed and Sally watched as the two of them went onstage to set up for their number.

  Heather appeared at her side and said, ‘Sally, can you go over to the workshop and oversee the marrow? It needs adjusting or something, according to Simon. See what he wants, will you?’

  Sally saluted and disappeared.

  ‘Has anyone seen my tiddler?’ Pete’s voice whispered in Heather’s ear. She spun round. ‘I beg your pardon?’ she gasped. ‘What on earth do you mean – and is it rude?’

  ‘That is the name of my song,’ chuckled Pete. ‘I need a jamjar and a stick with a long bit of string attached to it with a little fish on the end of it. And yes, it is rude.’

  ‘Blimey, bring back Hamlet,’ said Heather. ‘All I had to find was a skull! Right, come with me, young man and we will sort out your tiddler, if you’ll excuse the expression.’

  On the way to the workshop Sally suddenly remembered Dora and did an about-turn towards the dressing rooms instead. She found her sister pacing up and down going through her song.

  ‘Sorry to interrupt,’ said Sally, ‘but can I have a word?’

  Dora stopped singing and faced her. ‘Yes, but make it quick. I have to go and do a chorus number in a minute.’

  Sally took a deep breath. ‘Dora, I am sorry to pry but it is important. Did you sleep with Robert?’

  The girl sighed heavily. ‘God, Sally, we are not still on that, are we? For Christ’s sake, what does it matter to you?’

  ‘Nothing.’ Sally pushed on. ‘It is just something I need to check. Please just trust me on this – it is important.’

  Dora said very slowly and clearly, ‘No, I did not have sex with Robert Johnson. There, are you happy now? I can’t believe I am even bothering to answer you.’

  Sally gave her a quick nod and sped out of the room before Dora could ask any awkward questions. She still needed to see how Jeremy was getting on, but Heather found her first, and asked about the marrow.

  ‘Oops, I forgot. I am so sorry – I will do it now. It is just there is so much going on I can’t keep up with it all!’

  ‘Tell me about it,’ said Heather grimly. ‘It is supposed to be the season of comfort and joy, but there seems little evidence of that around here. By the way, just to add to the chaos, we have to get someone to organize a “secret Santa” jobbie for between the shows on Christmas Eve. We always have a bit of a tea and buns and prezzies. I know, I know, now is not ideal but it is only three weeks away. Shit – look at the time! I need to call the company onstage, excuse me.’ She hurried off like the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland, shaking her head and muttering to herself.

  Sally was forced to follow her to the stage where Sarah was waiting with a sheaf of notes in her hands.

  ‘Right, everyone, I am pleased to say we are in good nick. So I propose we break for lunch then start the technical rehearsal at two o’clock. As I said before, with a bit of luck we may get a dress rehearsal in tonight, or at least half a one. So tomorrow morning around eleven we can finish it and then break, and then start the proper Dress at two o’clock, ready to open the show at seven thirty. Thank you, everyone, it is going to be fabulous.’

  Sally had hardly rehearsed her number at all, but she was not too bothered as she knew exactly what she was doing with it and did not need Sarah Kelly’s input. She did, however, need a dress – and a period dress at that. She knew Janie had put one aside for her but she had not yet tried it on and it might be a good idea to do that now. She met Janie coming down the stairs with an armful of costumes.

  ‘Can I try on my dress any time soon?’ Sally asked her.

  ‘Yes, of course. Do you want to do it now? If so, just follow me.’ Sally did as she was told and followed Janie to the wardrobe department, where Gwendoline was overseeing Pete while he tried on a pair of short trousers for his Tiddler number.

  ‘Pete, you look most fetching,’ chuckled Sally. ‘What do you think, girls? Could you have that in your bed?’

  ‘Please spare me,’ Janie replied. ‘It is bad enough having to listen to him playing with his tiddler!’ They burst into fits of the giggles.

  ‘Yeah, yeah, very funny, girls. Mock a man trying to do the best for his art.’

  ‘Art!’ screeched Janie, and this brought about further squeals of laughter.

  ‘Sorry to interrupt, but could I have a word please, Sally.’ Giles Longfellow was standing in the doorway and the whole room went silent.

  ‘Yes, of course,’ said Sally. She followed Giles out of the room without a backward glance.

  Not a word was spoken all the way to Giles’s office. He showed Sally into the room and shut the door.

  ‘Please have a seat. Would you like something to drink?’ He was pouring himself a very large brandy as he said this.

  ‘No, thank you,’ said Sally, and waited for Giles to speak.

  He sat down opposite her slowly. He looked old and grey, and there was none of the dashing entrepreneur about him today. He swirled the golden liquid round the brandy glass and peered into it like a fortune-teller hoping for inspiration.

  ‘You are Jeremy’s closest friend, he tells me.’ Giles spoke without looking at her. ‘I understand he has told you about Robert and his illness.’ He paused and took a sip of brandy. ‘He has also told you of his involvement with Eddie Graham and the obvious problems this creates. Do you have any idea how serious the situation is for everyone?’ He gave Sally a piercing look and Sally held his gaze. She could see the pain in his eyes but also something else. Giles was frightened. Deep down to his bones he was scared. The fear was rolling off him, Sally could almost smell it.

  Why was she here? She could not understand why he had asked her to see him.

  ‘I am a little confused as to why you have asked me here, Giles. Yes, I understand that there are serious issues concerning Jeremy and Eddie and possibly yourself, but what can I do exactly?’

  There was a long silence and then a groan from Giles.

  ‘Because Eddie has contracted this virus and he will probably die, and he is your best friend’s lover. Jeremy is devastated and you are the only person he has in his life to turn to, so I am asking you to take care of him through this. We are all devastated and the whole dreadful business touches so many lives. I won’t go into the details if you don’t mind, as they are conf
idential, but I would also ask you to keep this private. I know you can be trusted, Sally, and I value your discretion enormously, and your support. It is going to be exceedingly tough on Jeremy for the next few weeks so I just wanted to make sure you would be there for him.’

  ‘Of course I will. Thank you so much for telling me and for trusting me. I do hope you all get through this and I am so sorry to hear about Eddie.’

  Sally decided the best thing to do was to get out quick. She left the office and ran down the stairs as fast as she could. She was so shocked she really could not take it all in. Where was Jeremy now? She needed to talk to him. She went straight to the boys’ dressing room but only Simon and Pete were there.

  ‘Have you seen Jeremy?’ she asked.

  ‘He had gone to the shop to get some lunch,’ said Pete.

  ‘Thanks,’ replied Sally and was gone. She raced down the stairs and out to the stage door. ‘Gladys, have you seen Jeremy?’

  The big woman was eating a hot pie and could not answer immediately. Much to Sally’s frustration she had to wait while Gladys chomped her way, huffing and puffing, through her mouthful of steak and kidney.

  ‘Pardon me, luv, sorry ’bout that. Blimey, it was ’ot! Now then, what was you asking? Oh yes, young Jeremy. Well, he came running out looking something terrible. White as a sheet. I told him to go to the pub and buy himself a brandy. So I think that is where he has gone. Nothing serious is it, luv?’ But she was talking to herself because Sally had already gone.

  Sally found Jeremy sitting in the corner by the fire surrounded by hearty happy lunchtime drinkers. He was hunched over his glass, staring into the flames. Sally managed to grab a spare stool and dragged it across to sit down beside him. He hardly acknowledged her presence.

  ‘Jeremy, I am so sorry. What is there to say? It is terrible news. Please look at me, come on, you need to talk. Shall we go somewhere more private?’

  ‘Eddie is going to die and I can’t take it in. Why has this happened? Am I being punished? Sally, I am OK, I am not infected, and nor are Giles or Lord Graham. I can’t comprehend it. We are spared, yet Eddie has to die. What am I going to do? I can’t tell my parents and I have got to get through Christmas Day. Oh God, I can’t do it.’