The Boy I Love

by Lynda Bellingham

  They all climbed in, and Douglas tooted a farewell to whoever might be listening, and they were off!

  The comings and goings on a Saturday night in the theatre were always chaos. No one would have noticed anybody slipping through the big dock doors at the back of the auditorium where all the scenery was kept. Gladys had already gone home and locked the stage door. The remaining crew would switch off all the lights except the safety ones, and then leave through the small door in the dock doors.

  Gradually the noise died down, and after the final calls of ‘Good night’ and ‘Happy Christmas’ had floated past the stage door, silence fell like a huge blanket over the theatre. The figure in the dark anorak and hood sat for some time in the Royal Box, just listening to the silence. The stage was lit by a vague blue light, casting a sheen across the floor, making it look like a lake. The rows of red velvet seats appeared tiny from the box. The figure brushed the nap of the ledge, and his skin tingled as the velvet pricked his fingertips. A door banged and made him jump but soon there was silence once more. It was a dead silence, with no reverberations, echoes or resonance. The figure closed his eyes and tried to imagine he could hear the audience; the murmuring of an expectant and excited crowd, a laugh ringing out now and then. But there was nothing. The theatre had shut down for the holidays. It was sleeping now, dreaming of all the shows and drama that had filled its walls. It was resting, ready for the next onslaught.

  ‘Life goes on,’ murmured the man. He took a swig from the bottle of champagne he had by his side, and coughed as it went down the wrong way. His cough bounced off the walls of the auditorium like a joke from the stage and came back to hit him like a stone, reminding him of the evil that was inside him. He grasped the brass railings of the box until the hacking cough stopped raking across his chest. He was left breathless and feeling sick. He tried another sip of the bottle, this time taking it more slowly. The bubbles made his nose itch and he smiled to himself in the darkness. He reached into his pocket for the envelope, and as he pulled it out, he realized it was all scrunched-up. He laid it on the edge of the box and tried to flatten it out. Then from his other pocket he took the bottle of pills and put them on one of the little gilt chairs. He suddenly clasped hold of the envelope again, thinking that no, it wasn’t safe to leave it there. One gust of air would send the missive fluttering down into the stalls below, and it would be lost.

  I need a table. He looked around the box. It was like a toy house with the tiny gilt chairs and the heavy brocade curtains either side, held open with gold and silver tassels. Then he spotted a table near the door, beautifully inlaid with pale wood, and carried it down to the front of the box. He placed the pills and the bottle of champagne on it and then sat down again, holding the envelope. Careful not to tear the letter inside, he pulled out the headed notepaper and began to read:

  Hi, everyone!

  Well, I certainly messed up, didn’t I, but who was to know there would be a bloody virus that could kill you just for having a good time!

  The trouble with contracting a terminal disease is that you have to live with it until you die, and I am not prepared to do that. Sorry, guys, but why should I stay alive a bit longer to keep you happy?

  Mind you, my father probably can’t wait to get rid of me as I am such an embarrassment to the family, but I know Jeremy will be upset, and for that I am truly sorry. J, my darling, you are the one reason I would choose to stay alive. But it would be no life, Jeremy. You taught me how to love another person more than myself and I am so grateful. But now I can see the horizon, I just want to get on with it and not hang around and disintegrate before your very eyes.

  Enjoy your lives!

  I do love you, Mother, and I am sorry if I have disappointed you.

  I love you, Tilly, and say again: enjoy your life. Grab it and hold it tight. I know you will be OK and I will be watching over you, never fear.

  Dad, I do love you and I know you love me. Why couldn’t you have been honest? With me, with Mother, with Tilly – but most of all with yourself? There is no shame in loving a man, you must believe that. But what you did was lie and cheat to do it. Please learn from me. Ha! That would be something, wouldn’t it? A lesson learned from your promiscuous gay son? But I have been honest, in the end, with everyone, and God knows I have enjoyed my life, albeit short and sweet.

  Now there is just this bloody death business, so the sooner I get it over with, the better.

  Lots of love to everyone,

  Eddie x

  The young man carefully folded the letter and put it back in the envelope addressed to Jeremy Sinclair. He laid it on the table, then unscrewed the bottle of pills and tipped them out. With the help of the champagne, he managed to wash down the entire pile of white tablets. Then, feeling tired, he folded his arms on the edge of the balcony, slowly laid down his head and closed his eyes. He wanted to remember his visit to this box with Jeremy. It had been the happiest moment of his life when they first touched each other. He could smell the scent of Jeremy’s skin and feel the softness of his lips as he kissed Eddie . . .

  Chapter 51

  ‘Ladies and gentlemen, it is with enormous sadness and regret that I have to tell you that Lord Edward Graham’s son, Eddie, committed suicide on Christmas Eve, here in this theatre. It is for this reason that the police are still here, as some of you may or may not have noticed. The theatre will be closed until further notice. I apologize for getting you back here, but I did not know myself until last night when I returned from the break. I suggest we use the time wisely though, and start with a read-through of The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie in the rehearsal room. Heather, if you would be kind enough to organize some coffee. I will need the whole company to stay in the theatre, as the police may want to speak to you all, at some point, regarding this dreadful business.’

  After Giles had left the Green Room, no one spoke for ages. Heather bustled round getting mugs and coffee sorted, but most people just stood or sat in a daze. Suddenly Sally asked, ‘Has anyone seen Jeremy?’

  There was no answer.

  She left the room and rushed to his dressing room where she found him sitting with a bottle of vodka open beside him.

  ‘Oh, Jeremy, I am so sorry. You must be devastated. Come here.’ She made to take him in her arms but Jeremy stopped her.

  ‘Please, Sally, I know you mean well, but just leave me alone for now. Giles has given me permission to miss the read-through.’

  ‘But I am worried you . . .’

  ‘Please, Sally – just go. I promise you I am not going to do anything foolish. I just need to absorb this, and work my way through it.’

  Sally nodded and backed away. She was desperate to console him, he looked so frail, but she did as she was told and left Jeremy to his mourning.

  She called into Wardrobe to see Janie and find out if she knew any more details.

  ‘Well, not really. We only came in this morning. Apparently he was just sitting in the Royal Box dead. They don’t know exactly for how long, or anything. There was a suicide note, which the police took away.’

  ‘Oh God, how sad. Anyway, I had better get going. See you later.’

  The read-through was a disaster. Jeremy was not there, and nobody was concentrating, so Giles broke early.

  ‘I think we can leave this for today. But I want everyone here tomorrow morning bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.’

  Sally managed to grab Giles by the arm as he was leaving. ‘Sorry to bother you, Giles, but do you have any more information? I am so worried about Jeremy, you understand. Someone said there was a suicide note?’

  ‘Yes, Sally, of course you are worried. I do understand, but I can’t help really. You need to speak to the police about the suicide note, I should imagine. Come with me and I will introduce you to the man in charge.’

  Sally followed Giles down to the stage, where there were police and people in white boilersuits everywhere. He went to find Detective Sergeant Derek Bush, who was in charge. While she was waiting,
Sally glanced up at the Royal Box, and the memory of her first encounter with Giles floated into her mind. How happy and excited she had been that day. Giles had looked so grand and formidable up there in his eyrie. Why had Eddie chosen that particular spot to die, she wondered. How unbearable it must be for his loved ones. But not only was he dead, he had killed himself. He had chosen to die. He must have felt so alone.

  Sally wondered if Jeremy would blame himself somehow. She must help him to understand it was nothing to do with him. He could not have prevented it.

  ‘But if I hadn’t left him on his own! I should have made him come with me, that day I saw him at his father’s flat. I knew he was going to end up on his own. Oh Christ, why did I leave him!’ he cried.

  Sally and Jeremy were sitting in his dressing room. Everyone else had gone to the pub for lunch so it was quiet, and private.

  ‘But, Jeremy, Lord Graham would never have let you take Eddie away. What would you have done, kidnapped him?’

  ‘I know, I know you are right, Sally, but I feel so useless – like I let him down.’

  ‘Jeremy, may I remind you that it was because of Eddie, and his behaviour, that you too could have been facing a death sentence. You haven’t let anyone down!’

  Jeremy looked at Sally for a few minutes and then got up and gave her a hug.

  ‘You are a very special person, Sally, and a good friend. I can only say these things to you. I knew Eddie would take his life, because from the moment he was diagnosed I could feel it in him, sense his desire to do something positive about the situation. I know that must sound ridiculous because to most people suicide is a very negative response. However, to someone like Eddie, he was being positive. There was no cure for his illness so he would have had to spend the rest of his days waiting for the dreaded signs to appear, warning him of his approaching death. Does anyone want to live like that? I know one day they may find a cure and all the rest of it, but for now Eddie had nothing to do but wait. I have thought a good deal about him while I have been at home, and I have almost cried myself through it, Sally. My poor parents did not know what to make of me, I was so down. I know how lucky I am to be in the clear, and it has made me even more determined now to make a success of my career. I don’t need anyone in my life any more. I loved Eddie more than life itself, and I don’t regret a single moment I spent with him, but now I am on my own and going to make the best of it.’

  He gave Sally another hug and said huskily, ‘Come on – let’s join the others in the pub.’

  Everyone was a bit subdued, and the word was out that Jeremy and Eddie had been an item, so when they arrived at the pub no one quite knew what to say. Jeremy cleared the air by announcing that the drinks were on him, and they were going to toast his lover and wish him well, wherever he was. A big cheer went up and everyone’s spirits rose. They were a team and would move on together.

  Sally sat in the corner and watched the proceedings. Dora caught her eye and waved to her. Sally smiled and waved back and was reminded that they were back in action again now, so anything could happen. Dora had taken over Christmas Day with her high spirits, and wonderful news. Of course Mum and Dad were absolutely over the moon, and could not believe things had changed so much in just a few months. Sally could not help but feel that she herself had somehow let them down. She had stayed in much the same place, as far as they were concerned. Never mind that she had fallen in love and had her heart broken, discovered that she and her sibling were worlds apart, and decided that maybe she was not cut out to be an actress after all.

  When Patricia had come to tuck her up on Christmas Eve, she said, ‘I know we joke about things sometimes and you may feel we don’t take you seriously enough, but you know you can tell us anything, my darling. We just want you to be happy.’

  Happy! Wasn’t that what everybody wanted in life? Was Eddie looking for happiness when he popped those pills? Was he searching for happiness when he was partying hard, and taking all those men inside him? Was Sally happy when she woke up beside Rupert?

  Yes, I was, I suppose, Sally thought to herself. But I was also happy because deep inside me, I felt good about myself. Surely I can achieve that contentment without having to rely on other people all the time? I am quite content at Crewe, and I am going to enjoy each minute as it happens, and see where I go. As that agent Peter Stone said, it is all luck and karma, and being in the right place at the right time.

  ‘Sorry to interrupt your day dream, sweetie, but I need you to help me clear the wing space for the next show,’ Heather said.

  ‘Just coming,’ answered Sally and went to find Jeremy.

  He was surrounded by the lads so she pulled him to one side, saying, ‘I just wanted to tell you I love you, and that we can do this!’

  That afternoon, Giles assembled the cast and crew once again to tell them that the police had finished their investigation of the theatre and they were now free to continue their rehearsals. There was a round of applause and people wandered off to sort themselves out and get back to life as normal.

  ‘Oh, Jeremy,’ Giles called to him as he was leaving with the others. ‘This is for you. The police no longer need it and it is addressed to you.’ He handed Jeremy the envelope.

  ‘But what about his family? Surely you should give it to his father?’ Jeremy ventured.

  ‘I have tried to contact Lord Graham on several occasions, but to no avail. It has been made very clear to me that neither he, nor the Graham family, want anything to do with me – or the theatre for that matter.’ Giles smiled at Jeremy sadly. ‘God only knows what is going to happen to us next season when His Lordship’s grant is withdrawn.’

  ‘I am sure we can think of something, Giles, and everyone will rally round. Don’t give up hope yet, and just think: once Hamlet has had rave reviews, you will be flavour of the month!’

  ‘Thank you for your vote of confidence, young man, it is much appreciated.’ Giles watched the young actor join the gang, and thought for the umpteenth time how much he missed Teddie. But once again, Lady Luck had not left him completely. He had his production of Hamlet to keep him busy and he could do without romance for the time being.

  Sally had invited Jeremy to supper at the flat. She had made proper dinner, and the two of them were sitting at the kitchen table finishing their bottle of wine when Jeremy produced the envelope.

  ‘What’s that?’ asked Sally.

  ‘It’s the note Eddie left for me, and I thought I would share it with you.’ Jeremy smiled shakily and squeezed her hand. ‘I am not sure I could have read it on my own anyway.’

  He slipped his finger inside the envelope, took out the sheet of notepaper and began to read his lover’s last words aloud.

  Chapter 52

  April 1983

  Sally gazed out across the rooftops of Venice. The beauty of the scene was overwhelming. It was another world. She thought back to Christmas, just three months ago. So much had changed in her life. When the season had finished at Crewe she had retreated home still reeling from Eddie’s suicide and Jeremy’s despair. She had so wanted to help her dear friend get through this terrible time, but in the end it had to be down to him. They had parted with promises to catch up after a break, Jeremy to his parents’ home and Sally to hers. Dora had left to go to Nottingham and suddenly Sally was back to her childhood days being cosseted by her parents.

  And then there was Mack. She could not believe how happy she had been to see him. He had come to the house and they had gone for a walk, and to her amazement Sally had poured out all her hopes and fears to him. He had wrapped her up in his love and coaxed her back to her usual sunny self. She still had not decided what she wanted to do next though, and suddenly fate had taken over.

  ‘I have been offered a three-month tour of Europe to teach and advise on sculpture for a new generation of city-dwellers,’ announced Mack one day in the pub. ‘God knows what it means, but I get paid to work my way round Europe. Why don’t you come with me and give yourself a real break,
Sally.’

  Sally could not think of one reason not to say yes. And here she was in Venice, looking across St Mark’s Square, feeling as if she was in a Canaletto painting. She was the happiest she had ever been in her life, but sometimes a nagging little voice would remind her that she had to decide what she wanted to do with her life. Her career. She suddenly thought of Jeremy and all the conversations they used to have about commitment to the theatre and dedication. She must send him a postcard. Maybe when she got back, she would ring him and see if he wanted to share a pad together. They had discussed it at one point . . .

  ‘Hey, you – come back to bed. I need you.’

  Sally turned and looked at the huge double bed, then the head of glossy black hair, beneath which she could see a pair of piercing blue eyes smiling at her.

  Domani, domani – tomorrow, tomorrow – what would tomorrow bring?

  Final Curtain

  Read on to discover Lynda Bellingham’s first novel

  Tell Me Tomorrow

  Chapter 1

  Hertfordshire, Spring 1910

  John and Alice Charles had three sons, loud, strapping lads always up to mischief, but only one daughter. She was called Mary, and she was the youngest of the family. John was the vicar of St James’ Church in a small village called Allingham, not far from the historic town of St Albans in the county of Hertfordshire.

  It was on a church outing to St Albans that Alice Cooke entered the young would-be curate’s rather lonely life, and love blossomed. Alice was the daughter of a wealthy landowner in Buckinghamshire, and her marriage to John was deemed a drop in the social scale. Once it was clear to Alice’s parents that she was determined to marry beneath her station, they sent her packing, albeit with a quite substantial dowry. However, Alice never saw her parents again. They regarded her as feckless, and a disappointment, and concentrated their hopes and ambitions on their two sons instead. As the only child of elderly parents who died when he was embarking on his career in the clergy, John was alone in the world. Alice was now abandoned, so the two young lovers made their world themselves, and thanks to Alice’s optimistic nature and goodness of heart, between them they created a loving family.