Toxic

by Debra Jupe

  Ethan raked a hand through his hair. “You’re right, you do.”

  “You agree with me?”

  “I do. I truly wish I could be worthy of you.” He stared at her, his gaze unwavering. “But I’m not.”

  Chapter 24

  Ethan glanced at the closed bathroom door before he pulled his damp shirt over his head. Why couldn’t Gracie Desoto stay out of his business? He’d done his best to keep to her at bay, to push her away, even. Yet, she kept barging back into his life like a herd of cattle storming across the range.

  As if she knew.

  He didn’t want to be rid of her. As hard as he tried, he couldn’t stay angry with her for continuous invasions in his life. Somehow, between all of the mayhem and craziness, she’d gotten to him and into his heart. A feisty little rebel, she managed to land on her feet after she was dealt a disheartening blow, and he admired her for her perseverance. He desired to get closer to her on a cerebral level and even more so on a physical one.

  He looked at the closed door again.

  Who was he kidding, he wanted all that she would give and more. And now he’d practically confessed.

  Except they couldn’t happen. For one thing, he doubted she’d agree to allow anything between them after this afternoon. Her libido may be forgiving, but her heart wouldn’t, and her heart ruled her actions. Besides, his choice was already made. He had to leave. A murder wrap hung over his head to the point his situation had reached code red. For her safety and his own, she needed to stay away from him and vice versa.

  Which led to another problem. How would he keep away from her tonight?

  He stared at the bed as his mouth formed into a straight line. The only bed. His gaze transferred to the aged, cracked linoleum. Although she’d been adamant about them not sleeping together, they’d either have to share because neither would want to sleep on this floor. At least he preferred not to, and he’d be the one doing the gentlemanly honors if it came to that. But being in bed with her, sleeping so close without touching her would definitely test his restraints.

  He unzipped his jeans and fought his way out of the soaked denim, then he wrangled his cell phone from his pocket, checking if the thing was as waterlogged as the rest of him. By some miracle, everything still seemed to be working. He released a relieved sigh as he dropped his sodden pants on the floor.

  The bathroom door opened. Gracie exited and stopped. Her mouth fell as she stared at him. He returned her gaze; his heart battered against his breastbone at the sight of her. Wet hair slicked back, wearing only his shirt, she never looked sexier. Tonight would be difficult for him to behave, no matter where he slept.

  “You’re naked,” she sputtered, her voice hoarse.

  “What?”

  “You don’t have any clothes on.”

  Ethan glanced downward as a sudden cool draft breezed over his damp skin.

  “Yeah, um.” He bent to snatch a pair of running shorts out of his duffle, then he quickly stepped into and slid them over his legs to cover his lower extremities. “I need to wash off and a towel.” Two long strides, he sidestepped her to go into the bathroom. “Extras are in here, right?”

  She merely nodded, still looking at him. He snatched a towel from the rack and patted away the excess moisture. He caught his reflection in the mirror, and leaned in to inspect the newest lump protruding onto his forehead. The rain had washed away the blood, leaving him with only the swelling. He glanced at Gracie, who still stood beyond the doorway. “My new bump covers the little nick you gave me quite nicely.”

  “What are you mixed up in, Ethan?”

  He stepped around her and walked to the bed, lifting the blankets to crawl under. “You decide where you’re sleeping?” He smiled as he settled into the thin, yet lumpy mattress. “Desk looks a little rickety, and I’m guessing the floor hasn’t been cleaned in about ten years. Probably creepy crawlers hiding under the bed, too. And they only come out after dark.”

  She made a face. “I could always sleep in my truck.”

  Ethan laughed. “Shitty as this place is inside, I wouldn’t advise going out in this neighborhood. Especially for sleeping.”

  She glanced around the room, her expression soured, as if she realized her choices. “Fine.” She marched to the opposite side of the mattress and stood. “I’ll stay with you.” She held up a forefinger. “Only with some ground rules.”

  “You’re aware I only play by my own rules.”

  “Right.” She planted her hands on her hips and glared at him. “I caught you in the middle of the street cuddled with another woman, and you’ve yet to explain the situation. You followed up by coming to my office to dump me. So, yeah, I’m mindful of how you operate.”

  “I doubt that.”

  “Of course you do, but I don’t. Let’s not forget you kidnapped me, and you weren’t gentle about it.”

  Ethan sprang up in bed. “I what?” His shoulders stiffened as his gaze locked with hers, not believing she was going there. “Did you just accuse me of kidnapping you?”

  “You forced me to come here with you.” Her cheeks reddened as she looked away. “That’s kidnapping.”

  “Excuse me?” Ethan’s tone held a strained edginess. “You were inside of my house, uninvited. Technically, you broke in.”

  “Technically, your door was unlocked. Nothing was broken into.”

  Ethan ran a hand over his face. This woman frustrated him on so many levels. “Gracie, when you walk into someone’s house without an invitation or without their knowledge, it’s considered breaking in, unlocked or otherwise.”

  She stole a glance in his direction. “I was waiting for you.”

  “Waiting for me.” He released a humorless chuckle. “Inside my house. In the dark.”

  “I didn’t see your car in the drive, so I assumed you weren’t home. I wanted to check and see if I could find out when you’d be back.”

  “How can you verify anything with the lights off?”

  “Lights draw attention.”

  “To who? The police, maybe? Because you broke into my house?”

  She bit her lip. “You were the one lurking around with two guys waiting for you. That doesn’t happen to normal people. I’d have called the cops if you’d let me get my phone.”

  “Fine.” He stretched across the bed. He grabbed his cell from the nightstand and held it out to her. “If you believe you are in danger, then by all means, call the police.”

  She stared at the device for a long second before she pushed his hand away. “This isn’t necessary.”

  “Oh, I think so.” He thrust the phone at her. “Go ahead, call someone. Tell them you’re with me. A liar, kidnapper, or whatever else you want to brand me. If something happens to you, they’ll know I’m the one who harmed you.”

  “We don’t need to do this.”

  “Fine.” He tucked the phone away. “If you’re lied to, kidnapped, or anything else, you have no one else to blame but yourself. You had your chance.”

  “You’re being charming again, aren’t you?”

  “Gracie—I understand you’re angry at me, which is why I’m overlooking your nutty behavior.”

  “Nutty behavior?”

  He patted the air with one hand. “Calm down, neither of us is acting normal, especially after all that’s happened the past couple of days. Admit it.”

  She physically relaxed. “I suppose.”

  “I’ll make you a deal. If you’ll be patient, I will explain everything—later. I can’t give out any information at the moment. In return, I do need you to tell me something now,” he hedged, hoping she trusted him enough to buy into his offer.

  Her brows rose.

  “What exactly went on at the nursery tonight?”

  “You should know. You admitted you were there.”

  “I’m aware of my whereabouts, but I need you to describe what you saw. Your perspective, so to speak.”

  At first, she seemed reluctant to answer, but after she contemplat
ed for a few minutes, she began to talk, giving him details of her and her friends’ evening. He listened patiently as she explained.

  “You’ve been busy showing up in places you shouldn’t be. Mike’s murder, random gunshots, and a possible body are many reasons for you and your friends to stay away from the nursery.” He tugged at the sheet blanket and sank deep under the covers. “What did you guys hope to find, anyway?”

  “We’re hoping to find out who killed Mike. Krystal wants to prove the police’s theory is wrong.”

  “Which is?”

  “Mike was destroying his plants for profit.”

  “So you’re playing detective.”

  “Trying to. We seemed to come up with more questions than answers.”

  He watched her through narrowed eyes. She was mulling over something. “What’s on your mind, Gracie?”

  “Those smugglers we passed by on the way got me to thinking. Someone’s been stealing plants, right? Suppose they’re using the material as a cover. Like drugs or something. Mike found out, confronted them, and that’s why he was killed.”

  “You’re suggesting the nursery has an internal smuggling operation.”

  “Makes sense, don’t you think?”

  Ethan shook his head.

  “What?” She frowned. “What else could it be, Ethan.”

  “Mike destroyed his material for profit.”

  “Mike may’ve had faults, but he wasn’t dishonest. He’d never do that.”

  “You and I knew two different Mike Manzels.” Ethan paused. “Were you aware that the business was in trouble? Financially?”

  The shock in her expression told him she was surprised.

  “The place had been run so inefficiently for a long time. Mike had lost a ton of money and stood to lose a lot more, if things were permitted to go on the way they were.”

  “Most of his hires were low waged laborers. Many illegals, coming from south of the border. How could he be in the red?”

  “Can’t say. I’ve only been with the operation for a few weeks. I can tell you his bringing me in was his last resort to saving the place.”

  “You’ve revamped the running systems?”

  “I made several recommendations before his death.” Ethan raised a shoulder. “Mike wasn’t keen on any of them.”

  “What will you do now? Give Mickey your suggestions.”

  “I don’t think Mickey is interested in any of my ideas,” he replied dryly. “I suspect once I’m cleared of killing Mike—” he stopped and looked directly into her eyes “—and I will be. I’ll be heading to my next assignment.” At least he’d hoped to get his new orders soon. He expected to be instructed to get out of town and disappear any second now. Everything here was getting too hot.

  “So you’re saying my idea sucks.”

  “Not at all. In most instances, your scenario is sound, but in this case not so logical.” He lay back into the stiff pillow with a grin. “Would it make any difference if I told you I think you’re really cute when you’re crime solving?”

  She bit into her bottom lip. “Don’t get flirty. Nothing’s going to happen. You dumped me remember?”

  “Gracie. Sometimes doing the right thing isn’t what we want to do.”

  She picked up the corner of the sheet and twisted the ends around her fingers. “You’re saying you didn’t want to break things off with me?”

  God, no. He wanted to tell her the truth. He wanted to be with her, but if he did, everything in his life would alter. Change wasn’t in the cards for him. “Let’s just say, you were right earlier. I like you a lot. But I have too much confusion going on to be the kind of man you need me to be. You deserve to have someone cherish you.”

  “Confusion. You’re talking about your PTSD?”

  “The disorder is a huge problem.” He gazed at her still standing at the edge of the bed. He frowned and nodded toward her.

  “Is that why you’re there instead of lying with me? You’re afraid, aren’t you? You’re scared of me.”

  “One reason.”

  “One?”

  “You did break up with me earlier.” She remained silent for several seconds. “I do care about you, Ethan, more than you could ever know. But yes, I’m frightened of you, too.” She stared at him. “Not only because of your disorder. I’m terrified of you and for you.”

  Although what she said didn’t surprise him, her words still stung. He was at war with himself, wanting to make things right with her, but he must follow through and meet his obligations. But he had to try and be honorable, even if it was just for tonight.

  “Would it help if I told you I can go without sleep for several days? I’ll force myself to stay awake; I can’t have any nightmares. I won’t hurt you if I’m awake.”

  She gazed at him, her eyes round. “What happened to you? When you were in Afghanistan. What brought on these horrible dreams?”

  He stayed quiet for several seconds, debating whether to answer.

  “It was a combination of many events.” He blew out a stream of air, deciding what he could reveal and what needed to stay buried. “You see a lot of awful stuff…and you do some bad things. Sometimes it’s deserved, but other times it isn’t. At the end of the day, you put everything away. You don’t think about it. You can’t remember or you won’t emotionally survive. So you keep moving. Do your job.” He ran a hand over his face. “But eventually everything that’s been bottled-up comes out. It has to, or you’ll explode.” His gaze settled on Gracie. “Happened one evening—we were doing training exercises. A rocket was lobbed from an unsophisticated launch site, just inside the wire where we were located. The detonation was huge. People…they were hurt, many dead. Friends, comrades. I was nearby. The explosion lifted me off the ground. When I landed, I couldn’t feel my legs.”

  She gasped.

  “Someone came up behind me. Yanked my head back. Put a knife to my throat.” Ethan almost went into a trance as the images formed before him, almost real. “Even though I couldn’t move, my training took over. Without thinking, I rolled around and easily overtook him. I snapped his neck. He died instantly.” He swallowed. “Just a kid. Maybe sixteen.”

  The room went silent, the only sound was the sporadic motor of the air conditioner.

  “It was him or you,” Gracie finally said.

  “Helicopters came in just after. Took me to the hospital. They ran tests, but other than a bruised disk, I was fine. No reason for the paralysis. But the dreams started. So they took me to the head doctor, and that’s when I was diagnosed with PTSD.”

  “Taking a sixteen year old’s life would do that.”

  “I went into treatment for several months and after I was declared “cured”, I left the army. Went into civilian work, and have been fine for several years. All this crap with Mike has stirred everything up again.”

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

  “Not your fault.” He lifted a corner of his mouth. “Now you know all of my secrets.”

  “Not all of them.”

  His brows lifted. “What haven’t I told you?”

  “The woman you were with earlier today.” Gracie stared at him. “Who is she, Ethan?”

  Chapter 25

  Gracie propped to her elbow, her mind foggy. She held up a palm to block out annoying rays that shined though a large gap in the worn drapes. For a moment she struggled to remember where she was before the memories returned in a rush.

  She was in some dump Ethan dragged her to after he discovered her inside his house. With two dead guys. Or at least she thought they’d been killed, and since one’s intent seemed on ending her life, Ethan’s bold move was probably for the best. She shuttered and pushed the idea aside, not allowing her mind to go there. She didn’t want to think about who Ethan McCarthy actually was, especially after what he’d revealed to her last night.

  Sluggish, she rose from the—she hesitated to call what they’d slept on a mattress. The cushion was more like a foam pad covered with a s
heet. She made her way into the bathroom, fighting the craving for a soda. And a toothbrush. Maybe Ethan had one in his bag she might borrow.

  She stopped. Ethan.

  She peeked around the corner. No sign of him. She walked to the bed and placed her hand on the spot where he’d slept. Cold. Even the indention where his body lay had faded. And his duffle was missing. She looked at the edge of the nightstand as a chill ran through her. Her keys had also disappeared.

  “Don’t tell me he took my truck and left me stranded.” She hurried to the door, grabbed the knob and twisted, yanking it open. Her stomach curled as she stared at the empty parking space.

  The bastard had stolen her pickup.

  She gave the door an extra shove and went back inside to dress. How would she escape this awful place? Her mind shifted into overdrive. First, she needed a plan. Outline her pros and cons. Cons were easy. Her purse was in her truck, under the seat. Therefore, she had no identification or cash. Her cell phone lay somewhere on Ethan’s bedroom floor, hopefully not busted into pieces. Of course, the lack of transportation was obvious.

  What about pros? An even shorter list. She had none. She supposed after everything she should feel lucky to be alive. Lucky. That’s right. Ethan abandoned her in the middle of nowhere without food, money, or a means to get out of here. She waded up his t-shirt and threw it on the bed.

  Yeah. This was so much better than being dead. She gazed at the nightstand again. A phone.

  The room had a phone. She rushed to pick up the receiver and pressed nine. Silence. She pushed down harder, repeatedly, only to get the same results. She slammed the earpiece back into the cradle, staring at the useless piece of junk. This dive probably shut down their landlines with everyone having mobiles these days. Economics. Still, they should remove the damn thing and not get people’s hopes up.

  Then again, the motel may have had nothing to do with the phone not working. Sneaky Ethan probably found a way to disconnect the wires.

  A thunderous hammering from the outside interrupted her annoyance.

  “Gracie? Are you in there?”

  Gracie rushed to the door and threw it open. “Krystal.” She flung her arms round her friend’s neck. “Thank you, thank you, and thank you.”