Still Waving

by Laurene Kelly

  ‘You and Mum used to go swimming before school, didn’t you?’

  ‘Yes, we did. I stopped when I started university. I used to have to get up so early sometimes to get the bus.’

  Aunt Jean picked up her bag and keys. ‘What are you doing today?’

  ‘Don’t know. Maybe I’ll wash the windows.’

  ‘I’ll give you twenty dollars if you do.’

  ‘You don’t need to pay me.’

  ‘I want to.’

  ‘Okay.’ I told myself to not argue about it. ‘What time will you be home?’

  ‘A bit later than usual. I’m going to have drinks with some friends. I’ll ring you.’

  Aunt Jean came and gave me a peck on my right cheek.

  I listened as the front door closed and suddenly felt very lonely and burst into tears. It had come from nowhere. I tried to pull myself together, but couldn’t, so put my head down on my arms and bawled. As my sobs petered out, I tried to think what had brought this crying on. I just didn’t know, and the harder I tried to find an answer the more my mind stayed blank. Maybe I was going to bleed. I looked at the calendar and the discreet red dot I used as the record of my periods. I was pretty regular, so it was an accurate guide. No, it wasn’t that. I was in the middle of my cycle, according to the calendar. It was a mystery why I’d become so emotional.

  I made myself a juice and some toast. The sun had risen and the day looked as if it was going to be a good one. The sky was mostly cloudless and there was no smoke on the horizon. It was still raining up north and rivers were swelling from the Diamantina to the Darling. Big floods coming, I thought.

  I put one of my aunt’s k.d. lang CDs on. I loved her clear voice and songs of unrequited love. I gathered the window-washing gear. I sang along to the music as I washed up and down. It was difficult to get every smear off, but I wasn’t satisfied till I did. I was pleased with my effort. The light inside looked brighter. The beating sun and hard work had made me perspire. I finally finished the last window and went and had a shower. It was only nine o’clock.

  I washed my hair and thought of Kate. Maybe she’d like to come for a walk around to the Aboriginal engravings. It was hard to tell sometimes if something you were enthusiastic about, you could share with someone else. I hoped she wouldn’t say ‘boring’.

  I dialled Kate’s number. She answered on the third ring.

  ‘Kate, hi, it’s Jules.’

  ‘Yo. I was just about to ring you. I guessed you’d seen the lack of action this morning. I went back to bed. I had a real late one with my sister and a couple of her friends. Talk about alkies. You should have seen how much they drank.’

  ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘A bit wasted, but hey, that’s how I usually feel.’

  ‘Oh Kate.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I dunno.’

  ‘Go on. What did you mean when you said, “Oh Kate”?’

  ‘Nothing, I just sort of feel sorry for you. That’s all.’

  ‘Don’t feel sorry for me. I had a good time.’

  ‘I went for a swim.’

  ‘You should have called me. I’d have come.’

  ‘I wasn’t sure if you’d be up. I didn’t want to wake anyone up at five-thirty in the morning.’

  ‘Yeah. Carol would have spewed if the phone had rung that early.’

  ‘I wonder if …’ I paused. A feeling of insecurity swept through me.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Well, if you’d like to come for a walk around the cliffs.’ I’d decided not to say anything about the engravings.

  ‘Cool. I’ve always wanted to see the engravings and stuff.’

  ‘You know about the engravings?’ I was incredulous. Gee I worried about nothing, so many times.

  ‘Yeah. I did Aboriginal Studies at school last year. You know the alternative story to this peaceful country discovered a little over two hundred years ago. I learnt all about the Sydney area. I probably know more than you.’

  ‘I doubt it.’ I was indignant.

  ‘Do you know that the Birrigal Reserve has the wrong name, because they got the names of the tribes mixed up?’

  ‘Of course I do.’

  ‘Did you do Aboriginal Studies?’

  ‘Yeah, last year. It’s so sad what’s happened in such a short time.’

  ‘I know. I like the timelessness that existed, you know. How clean the coast must have been and how much seafood there’d have been.’

  ‘Yeah and giant forests.’

  ‘All gone, but let’s not get ourselves down,’ Kate whispered. ‘I’ll come up in about ten minutes.’

  I felt a slight chill. A funny light seemed to flash in my head. I took a deep breath.

  ‘Okay. I’ll meet you out the front. Bring a pack to carry water and food.’

  ‘Carol’s sure to have one. See you soon.’

  I’d completely changed my day’s plans without even thinking about it. Monkeys danced in my head. I laughed how scientists said animals didn’t talk. I knew different. They spoke different languages, just like people. I’d even heard monkeys gossiping when I visited Taronga Park Zoo. I knew they were talking about humans. Sometimes they’d break out in laughter, and if I turned around I’d see their figure of fun. I wished I had an animal to cuddle. I’d love a monkey, but knew that was impossible. I wanted a little dog, that didn’t mind living in a flat, three floors up. I’d teach it to surf. I was too scared to ask Aunt Jean. If she’d wanted a dog she would have one by now, I suppose.

  I put my map, camera, food and water into my daypack.

  Kate was just making her way up the front steps when I came out of the front door.

  CHAPTER 8

  Thursday Evening

  Aunt Jean arrived home from work with a large package under her arm.

  ‘What’s that?’

  Aunt Jean looked embarrassed. ‘It’s a transcript of your father’s trial.’

  ‘What do you want that for?’

  An audible sigh escaped Aunt Jean’s lips. ‘There is a chance the prosecution is going to appeal the sentence to counter your father’s lawyer’s appeal.’

  When was this nightmare going to cease? I’d had enough.

  ‘Why? Dad was found guilty by a jury.’

  ‘The prosecution thinks the sentence isn’t long enough. The defence thinks it’s too long.’

  ‘That’s crazy.’

  ‘Both sides have to be able to prove the judge made a mistake in law.’

  ‘How can a judge make a mistake? They don’t decide if someone’s guilty. The jury does.’

  ‘It could be a technical thing. Possibly something the judge said to the jury in the summing-up of the case.’

  ‘Why doesn’t everyone leave well enough alone?’

  I plonked myself down at the table and put my head on my arms. I wasn’t going to cry. I was too exhausted. Was I being punished for having a good day? Kate and I had explored for miles. It had been great, having someone to share the fascinating history around the rocks with. Kate shared my enthusiasm as we speculated on the past. Aunt Jean’s voice invaded my peace.

  ‘Mr Willich, the prosecutor, wants me to read the transcript and give him my opinion.’ Aunt Jean paused and looked at me to see if I was listening. ‘He’s not convinced by post-traumatic stress syndrome as a defence. He places more importance on the history of domestic violence and the numerous existing police reports.’

  ‘I don’t believe this is happening again. I thought Dad was going to be in jail till he was over seventy.’

  ‘Neither legal team may find grounds for an appeal. Let’s not worry about what might not even happen.’

  ‘What does it all mean? Will I have to go to court again?’ I looked at Aunt Jean imploringly. ‘I couldn’t. I won’t.’

  A floodgate of tears opened and my nose began to run. Aunt Jean handed me a hankie. I sniffed and snorted. I didn’t care what I sounded like.

  ‘It is all very preliminary at this stage. It�
��s argued between lawyers and a panel of judges. I’m pretty confident there won’t be a retrial. I don’t believe the judge erred.’

  ‘Why is the law so complicated?’

  ‘That’s a very good question but greater minds than mine haven’t been able to come up with an answer.’

  ‘Why did you choose it as your career, it seems so stupid.’

  ‘It can be satisfying. I enjoy the logic in arguing a case and that I’ve put the words together on my client’s behalf. It can be challenging.’

  ‘Is that statue standing outside the court blind-folded because justice is blind?’

  ‘No, quite the opposite. The statue originally was Themis, the mother of justice and law in Greek mythology.’

  Why did I ask? I could tell Aunt Jean was just warming up.

  ‘Themis was said to be a Titaness, a giant who worked with Zeus,’ Aunt Jean glanced at me.

  ‘I’m listening,’ I stifled a yawn.

  ‘The present-day statue is said to be the goddess, Demeter.’

  Aunt Jean’s face lit up, like she’d struck gold and the look on her face was as if Themis and Demeter were about to knock on the front door.

  ‘Will I go on?’ Aunt Jean enquired.

  I knew the answer was yes, so I nodded.

  ‘The story has changed over the years and I don’t think it’s quite accurate any more, but many people believe that the scales Demeter carries are about equality before the law. The sword is for those who have the power to make law. The statue became blindfolded in the sixteenth century in England.’

  Aunt Jean paused. I tried to look fascinated. I don’t know if Aunt Jean was fooled, but she carried on regardless.

  ‘The statue represents that the rich and the poor are equal in front of the law.’

  I laughed. ‘That’s a joke.’

  ‘It might seem like that now, but back then, the judges were corrupt.’

  ‘So what’s changed?’

  ‘Don’t be naïve, Julie. Our courtrooms are vastly different from the courts of the sixteenth century.’ Aunt Jean took a breath.

  I thought she was finished talking. I started to get up. Aunt Jean put her hand on my shoulder and sort of held me down.

  ‘I haven’t finished answering your question.’

  It was so long ago, I’d forgotten I’d even asked a question.

  ‘What question?’

  ‘Why the statue outside the court is blindfolded!’ Aunt Jean sounded exasperated.

  ‘Chill out Aunt Jean, don’t bust a boiler.’

  Aunt Jean smiled. ‘I know where you got that expression from.’

  I blushed. It was one of Dad’s.

  ‘The blindfold represents justice not seeing those who come before the court as either rich or poor but the same.’

  ‘Well I think it’s outlived its use-by date. They should have a statue of a snail these days.’

  ‘I’ll put your suggestion before the Law Reform Committee.’

  As if!

  ‘Have your school results come?’ Aunt Jean asked.

  ‘No. It won’t matter, I’ve chosen my career. I’m going to be the world champion surfer.’

  ‘That’s not really a career, Julie.’

  ‘Yes it is. The women on the circuit get paid better these days. It will be plenty for me to live and travel on. When I’m world champ, everyone will want me to advertise their gear, so I’ll get heaps. I’ll be richer than you, Aunt Jean.’

  I knew what she was going to say before she said it.

  ‘Julie, what if you don’t become a world champion? What if you got injured and couldn’t surf anymore? You have to think of a back-up plan. I’m sure a lot of the girls on tour would have to do something else to earn money, if they aren’t the ones winning the tournaments, or getting advertising sponsorship.’

  ‘You don’t believe I’m going to be the champion, do you?’ Why didn’t Aunt Jean believe in me? She knew how dedicated I was.

  ‘I’m not saying that, Julie. I do believe it’s what you want to do and I believe with how much you love surfing, you may get there. I’m just being realistic, and I think you better start being a bit more sensible about this.’

  I was boiling mad, furious. I wanted to kick the furniture, smash the windows and yell at Aunt Jean. I did none of these things because, contrary to what Aunt Jean thinks, I am sensible. Ask my friends who’s the sensible one. They’ll tell you. Me. I pouted and stared out the window. As far as I was concerned the conversation was over. My lips were sealed. I wasn’t going to say another word for the rest of the evening. I had another year of school to go before I started worrying. Why was Aunt Jean on about it now? You’re meant to forget about school in the holidays.

  ‘Julie.’

  I didn’t answer.

  ‘Maybe you could combine your love of photography with your surfing. If that is what you chose to do next year, you may become successful at both.’

  Aunt Jean was trying to pour oil on troubled waters. Too bad, if she didn’t believe me it was her loss. I hated her. I stayed silent.

  ‘Julie, don’t ignore me. I’m sorry if I upset you. If you believe in yourself, that’s great. I hope you can achieve it. All I’m saying is that you also have to be practical.’

  I pretended I wasn’t listening.

  ‘You know as well as I do, that you won’t be ready to become the champion the minute school’s over. It will take years of practice and working your way through the ranks. In the meantime you will have to support yourself. How are you going to do that?’

  ‘I don’t care.’ Bugger, I’d spoken.

  ‘Well you ought to care.’ Aunt Jean sounded just like Mum. For a moment I’d caught the cadence of Mum’s voice. I shivered.

  ‘Are you cold?’ Aunt Jean asked in a concerned voice. Just like Mum’s.

  ‘I’m going to my room.’ I stood up.

  ‘Julie. Don’t run away from this conversation. It’s no good avoiding it. Are you worried about your results? Is that what the problem is?’

  The problem’s you! I wanted to shout.

  ‘I don’t care.’ I walked out of the lounge room. I was going to slam my bedroom door louder than I’d ever done before, but didn’t. Aunt Jean would’ve come to my room to tell me off. I didn’t want the disbeliever anywhere near my room.

  I lay on my bed for ages. Thousands of thoughts rushed about in my head. What if I wasn’t good enough to be world champion? After seeing Kate surf and what Aunt Jean had said, I seriously wondered if I could achieve my dream.

  After a while there was a light knock at my bedroom door.

  ‘Julie, I’ve made dinner. Do you want some?’

  ‘No thanks, I’m not hungry.’ It was a stupid lie, I was starving.

  ‘Come on, Julie. It’s not necessary to carry this on.’

  Aunt Jean was right. I was more upset than the situation warranted because of the appeal and everything being dragged up again. It had put me in a bad mood. My stomach was rumbling. I needed to eat. I had to give in. I knew these fights went nowhere, but it didn’t stop them from happening. I guess I’m too sensitive. I’ll have to grow a rhinoceros skin.

  ‘I’ll come out and eat, as long as we don’t talk about my results and stuff.’

  ‘Fine, let’s just eat in peace.’

  Aunt Jean had made linguini, a salad and garlic bread. It smelt delicious. My mouth started watering. I sat down and immediately served myself a big plateful. We ate in silence. I finished and gathered up both our plates.

  ‘Your Uncle Wayne is coming down to see your father. He’s going to try and get him to drop the appeal.’

  I didn’t say anything. What could I say? I just nodded to indicate I’d heard.

  ‘Apparently Toby wanted to stay on the farm, but Wayne wouldn’t let him stay on his own.’

  ‘Why? Did he think he’d do something stupid?’

  ‘No. I think it was more to do with him being worried about Toby getting lonely.’

  ‘Did U
ncle Wayne tell you this last night?’

  ‘I rang him today, to tell him what was going on after I’d spoken with Ray Willich. They’re coming down tomorrow, early.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Wayne is going to see your father’s lawyers, before he sees your father.’

  ‘Does Uncle Wayne think he’s crazy?’

  ‘We’ve never really talked about it. The only thing Wayne has said to me was that your father changed drastically after Vietnam.’

  ‘Why didn’t anyone ask Uncle Wayne anything in court? How come he wasn’t a witness?’

  ‘I don’t think anyone thought of it. They’d been estranged as brothers for so long, they probably thought Wayne wouldn’t have anything relevant to say.’

  ‘You were a witness, yet you hardly ever saw Mum and Dad.’

  ‘Yes, but your mother used to talk with me, and write letters. I know now that she didn’t really tell me much, but it was enough to be seen as relevant by the prosecution. I knew that there was violence in the relationship. Your mother had told me that much.’

  My anger rose at my Mum. It was her fault we were in this situation. I wanted to scream at her for not doing anything about it. I knew it was futile. She never did listen to my anger.

  I washed up the dinner dishes. Aunt Jean had put the horrible transcript away where I didn’t have to be reminded of it. I knew it would be her bedtime reading and couldn’t understand how she could. It’d give me nightmares. Reliving the court case was worse than hell, I thought. I wasn’t going to do it. I’d run away if they tried to make me go through that again.

  I went to bed feeling the unhappiest I’d felt in a long time. It took me ages to get to sleep. I was afraid of what the future was going to bring. Was the past going to resurface and scream out from the newspapers once again? I got up and stared out to sea. The fingernail moon was rising. It looked so lonely tonight. Just like me, I thought, staring at the shimmering reflection on the top of the water. I sat there chilled and not caring as I listened to the sea crashing against the rocks. I held my breath when the sea went out and blew it out in time with the crash as the waves hit the rocks. I wished I could just lie down and go to sleep. I knew I couldn’t. I’d just lay there with my eyes open.