Still Waving

by Laurene Kelly

  ‘It’s the tunnel thing that freaks me out.’

  ‘It’s just to make sure it’s not a tumour or bleeding in the brain.’

  ‘Do you feel it’s bad?’

  ‘I don’t know. I’m a bit frightened about it all, but there’s nothing I can do, so …’

  ‘I’ll keep my fingers crossed and send good vibes. I’m lonely surfing without you.’

  I blushed, and was glad Kate couldn’t see me. ‘Lonely?’

  ‘Yeah, a bit, I guess. I miss your funny face as you zoom by.’

  ‘Yeah, well I miss seeing how big you open your mouth screaming as you trim along.’

  Kate laughed. ‘I’m going to take a photo of you to show you what I mean.’

  ‘Yeah, well I’m going to get one of you, looking … well, it’s so hard to describe as I’ve never seen anything like it before in my life.’ We both laughed.

  ‘My brother Toby’s here.’

  ‘Was that him who answered the phone?’

  ‘Yeah. How was the rave?’

  ‘Awesome. It was wicked. I danced my legs off. The music was totally tomorrow. We had a great time.’

  I felt a pang of jealousy. A gulf with my friends opened up. I could never describe a rave as awesome. Boring would be the word I’d use. What was wrong with me?

  ‘I’m glad you had a good time,’ I said without meaning it. ‘Did Trudy go?’

  ‘No she’s like you, not into it.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘It’s a pity you missed it. Phoebe and Jasmine said it was the best they’d been to in ages. We’re going again next week. Hope you’ll be well enough to come.’

  ‘Maybe.’ No way!

  ‘When can I come round? It seems ages since I’ve seen you.’

  I didn’t want to tell Kate about my walk with Toby in case she asked to come. I put her off.

  ‘Probably tomorrow. I’m feeling a lot better, but I still have to stay quiet. I’ll ring you after my scan.’

  ‘Cool. Take it easy. I might ring and see if Phoebe and Jasmine want to come over here. Catch you later.’

  I hung up. Was Kate stealing my friends?

  Toby was lying on the couch reading one of my surfing magazines.

  ‘What time do you want to go for the walk?’ I asked. ‘I mean, that’s if you haven’t changed your mind.’

  ‘I haven’t changed my mind.’

  ‘I thought we could take the letter and make a decision about reading it at the grotto.’

  ‘Whatever.’

  ‘We should take some food and stuff.’

  ‘Whatever.’

  ‘Do you want to go soon?’

  ‘When you’re ready.’

  ‘You make the sandwiches, and I’ll get the rest together.’

  For a moment I thought Toby was going to tell me where to go. Instead he stood up reluctantly.

  ‘Aunt Jean. Toby and I are making some lunch to take on our walk.’

  ‘Are you going soon?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You’re not going for a swim are you?’

  ‘No. Only a walk around the rocks.’

  ‘What’s the tide doing?’

  ‘It was at its peak about half an hour ago.’

  ‘Good. Don’t do anything foolish.’

  ‘Aunt Jean, I’m not a kid.’ God I get exasperated by Aunt Jean’s attitude sometimes.

  ‘Sorry, of course you’re not.’

  ‘Maybe I get my worry gene from you.’ I frowned. I knew Mum had that gene. It looked hopeless. Destined to worry.

  ‘I hope you’re not cursed with that particular idiosyncrasy,’ Aunt Jean said light-heartedly.

  ‘I am, I know I am. I worry about nothing. You know like about Toby being lonely and haunted going back there. Yet I can see he’s happier than he’s been for a long time, but I still worry.’

  ‘I know, Julie. It’s because you love him and want what’s best for him and probably feel responsible to look after him, to some extent. You were thrown into a parent role from an early age.’

  ‘I know. I worry if I’m not there, something dreadful will happen to him.’

  ‘It’s natural Julie to feel that way after what you’ve been through. I can see Toby wants to be more independent. He’s surviving all the upheaval in his life differently. You have your surfing. That seems to be your medicine.’

  ‘What do you mean medicine?’

  ‘The thing that helps you heal. You’ve both come a long way in a year. You say yourself you’ve never seen Toby happier, and if I can say, without you biting my head off …’ Aunt Jean looked at me tentatively. ‘You seem a lot happier too.’

  I knew I couldn’t argue because Aunt Jean was right. Particularly after the court case had finished. It was a great weight off my shoulders. I even felt like my surfing improved leaps and bounds when I thought all that horror was behind me.

  ‘I worry about the appeal. What if they decide Dad’s innocent like he claims?’

  ‘Julie, try not to worry about that. As I said, at this stage it is arguing technicalities. It could easily go no further.’

  ‘But what if it does?’

  ‘It’s too nice a day to be worrying about something you can’t control. It gets you nowhere. Forget it Julie, and enjoy your walk, and spending time with Toby, while you can.’

  I held back the tears. ‘What about the CAT scan and your lumps? How can I not worry about that?’

  ‘Julie, really you’re doing it to yourself. Let it go. Enjoy what’s in the present.’

  I turned away before I said something about the real reason Toby and I were going for a walk. Another thing I seemed powerless to stop worrying about. I hoped Dad’s letter wasn’t more evidence we’d have to give to the prosecutor.

  Worrying was really tiring. I had to stop myself somehow. It’s one of those things easy to say, but very hard to do.

  ‘I’ll see if Toby’s finished making lunch.’ I walked off counting the steps to distract my mind.

  Toby was cutting the sandwiches in half. I found the thermos and put the kettle on for tea.

  ‘You know what Uncle Wayne did yesterday?’ Toby asked me.

  ‘No idea.’

  ‘He went and visited Dad.’

  ‘You’re joking.’

  ‘No. He told me in the restaurant.’

  ‘What did you say?’

  ‘I told him I didn’t want to know. He didn’t say anything else.’

  ‘I wish I’d known. I would have said something to him.’

  ‘He’s going again today.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I heard him tell Aunt Jean.’

  I raced out to the balcony.

  ‘Toby just told me Uncle Wayne’s visiting Dad.’

  ‘Yes, that’s right,’ Aunt Jean replied.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I guess it’s because your dad’s his older brother, and Wayne is his closest family.’

  ‘Does he think he’s innocent? If he does I’ll never talk to him again and I don’t think Toby should go and live with him.’ I stamped my foot and crossed my arms.

  ‘I don’t think Wayne thinks your father is innocent as such.’

  ‘What do you mean, as such?’

  ‘I think Wayne believes something about your father’s mental state and his war experiences contributing to his behaviour, but I know he thinks your father was insane to do what he did. I’m sure part of you does too, Julie.’

  ‘That’s it. He’s not welcome here again.’

  ‘Oh Julie,’ Aunt Jean sighed. ‘I’m not saying he thinks your father is innocent. He feels sorry for him. I guess it’s about compassion.’

  ‘What about Mum, Jonathon and Jennifer?’ I shouted accusingly.

  ‘Calm down. You’re upset over a misunderstanding. Sit down. Come on Julie, please.’

  I sat reluctantly. I kept my arms crossed and glared out to sea. Toby came out.

  ‘What’s going on? Are you two fighting?’

  ‘No
Julie’s upset about Wayne visiting your father.’

  ‘He’s his brother.’

  ‘So you think it’s all right too, do you?’ I turned on Toby.

  ‘Of course I don’t. I won’t talk to him about it, you know that. It’s just Dad’s his brother, that’s all.’

  I thought of the story Ruby had told me about her cousin and how no one would visit him and that was part of the punishment for what he’d done.

  ‘Dad should rot,’ I said angrily. ‘No one should visit him.’

  Aunt Jean and Toby said nothing.

  ‘Uncle Wayne’s a traitor.’

  ‘No he’s not,’ Toby answered angrily. ‘He’s not. He feels sorry for Dad and the mess he’s made. That’s why he visits him.’ Toby looked to Aunt Jean for support.

  ‘Julie, Wayne is as horrified as the rest of us at what your father has done. I think it shows Wayne is a good man to be compassionate towards his brother.’ Aunt Jean tried to reason with me.

  ‘I’d visit you,’ Toby said.

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

  ‘I would.’

  I was getting nowhere. They were ganging up on me.

  ‘You knew that was part of the reason that Wayne came down,’ Aunt Jean said softly, touching my arm.

  ‘I know. I just didn’t think about it, that’s all. Has the kettle boiled?’

  I didn’t want to hear anymore. My thoughts were all over the place. I couldn’t grasp what I wanted to say.

  ‘I made the tea,’ Toby said quietly.

  ‘I’ll get the rest of my stuff.’ I walked away.

  ‘I don’t want to go for a walk if you’re going to be in a bad mood,’ Toby shouted at my back.

  ‘I’m not in a bad mood.’

  ‘I don’t want to talk about Uncle Wayne, either.’

  ‘Fine. We won’t talk. We’ll just walk.’

  Toby looked unsure.

  ‘I mean it.’

  I felt that excluded feeling I’d felt when I’d first heard about what my father had done. Adults whispered all around us. Back then, Toby and I were united in feeling like adults closed doors in our faces. No one would tell what was going on, as if we didn’t know. Now Toby, Aunt Jean and Uncle Wayne were doing it to me. I hadn’t even been consulted about Toby not coming back to live. It was like I was the last to know. How fair is that? I hit the walls as I walked along to my bedroom, being careful not to hurt myself.

  I yanked open my top drawer. The letter sat there. Why did it look so innocent? I guess because it was only words on paper. But what would those words say? A lump grew in my throat. I didn’t have to read it. No one was making me. I sat down, my legs shaking a bit. Don’t spin out, I yelled silently at myself. Stay cool. I breathed slowly and deeply. Gradually I felt my heart return to a normal beat.

  ‘Jules, what’s up? Are you all right?’

  ‘Yeah, fine. I just got sidetracked.’

  I grabbed the letter out of the drawer and pushed it into my back pocket and walked slowly to the kitchen.

  ‘I’m carrying the drinks.’ Toby offered me a day-pack. I was grateful it was quite light.

  Aunt Jean came to the front door to wave us off.

  ‘Don’t know what time we’ll be home,’ I said.

  ‘Before dark, I hope. It’s nearly twelve now.’

  Where had the morning gone? I was amazed.

  ‘We’ll be back long before dark. We’ve only packed lunch,’ Toby said.

  The furrows on Aunt Jean’s forehead seemed to be getting deeper. I knew from her look that she wanted to say something like, don’t do anything foolish. Her eyes met mine.

  ‘We’ll be careful.’

  The look she gave me was apologetic.

  ‘I know. I trust you both to be sensible. It’s just that people have been swept off the rocks before, even on seemingly calm days.’

  ‘Black Friday. Da dad a de dum.’ I hummed the tune to The Death March.

  Toby joined in. We walked down the stairs as if we were in a funeral procession.

  Aunt Jean laughed from the top of the stairs. ‘Have a good time.’

  I stopped humming when we reached the outside of the building. We started walking down the hill.

  ‘Doesn’t that bug the crap out of you?’ Toby huffed.

  ‘What.’ I looked around for the annoyance.

  ‘The way Aunt Jean treats us like kids.’

  ‘I know. I go her about it all the time. Now she’s hassling me about my school results and what I’m going to do with the rest of my life.’

  ‘One more time and, well …’

  I looked at Toby expectantly. He said nothing.

  ‘Well?’

  ‘I dunno. Something.’

  ‘Something like what?’

  ‘I said I dunno, didn’t I?’

  ‘You must have been thinking of something.’

  ‘Not really. You know you sometimes say like if that happens again, I’ll, I’ll … but you never really know what you’ll do. Do you get me?’

  ‘I suppose I do. I was just wondering if you were going to say something violent.’

  ‘What makes you think that?’

  ‘A hunch. Worldly experience. I’m not having a go or anything Toby. I was just thinking, you know, sometimes like if someone does something bad to me, I say I’ll kill them. It doesn’t mean I really would, could or want to, but it’s an expression, you know. I don’t mean it.’

  ‘Dad said it enough and he meant it.’

  ‘I don’t want to talk about that. I’m talking about how funny language is.’

  ‘I don’t get it.’

  We walked in silence for a short distance.

  ‘When you said if Aunt Jean said it again you’d well, and then stopped. I …’

  ‘Not that again.’

  ‘Toby I’m trying to explain something.’

  Toby raised his eyes to the sky.

  ‘I thought you were going to say something like I’ll punch her or something.’

  ‘I don’t say things like that.’

  I stopped walking and looked at Toby. It was like I was seeing him for the first time.

  ‘Toby, I didn’t mean you were violent or anything.’

  Toby didn’t answer.

  ‘Toby!’ I had to walk faster to keep up. ‘Toby, I was talking about you know how we use violent language even though we consider ourselves not to be violent.’

  ‘Pacificists, you mean.’

  ‘Sort of, but the word’s pacifist.’

  ‘Whatever.’

  ‘At the beach the other day, Kate said her mother would slap her down if she cried for nothing. I asked her if her mother would slap her really. She said no, it was just a figure of speech.’

  ‘What are you on about now?’

  ‘Don’t you understand a word of what I’m saying?’

  ‘Not one single word and I sure don’t know why you want to talk about violence.’

  ‘I don’t want to talk about violence.’

  ‘Sure sounds like it.’

  ‘Toby, don’t you get my point about how funny language is?’

  ‘I had no idea that’s what you were talking about.’ Toby truly sounded exasperated. ‘Jules, why do you always come up with these stupid questions?’

  ‘I don’t. Forget it.’ I was fuming at how I’d forgotten I couldn’t have this sort of conversation with Toby. Boys could be so stupid sometimes. I felt like I was talking to a picket fence. I wanted to explain myself, but there was no point. I gave up and walked in silence.

  I became aware of the letter in my back pocket. I felt nervous. Butterflies flew around in my stomach. My mouth was dry. I still wasn’t sure what we’d do with the letter when we reached the grotto. It may still end up in a thousand unread pieces floating out to sea.

  Toby and I waded through the children’s ocean pool.

  ‘You know this mural is partly the Aboriginal story of how the sea was made.’

  Toby looked at the mosaic more intently
.

  ‘Look, single-cell life to now.’ I pointed out the amoeba shapes.

  ‘It’s about how there’s always earth, air and sea.’

  ‘But not necessarily people,’ Toby laughed.

  We walked towards the headland. The sun was relentless. I was glad I had a long-sleeved shirt and my hat on. The sea breeze cooled me down, but I could feel the warmth of the sun emanating from the dry rocks. The misunderstanding of earlier had evaporated as I studied various rock shapes, shells and crabs.

  We came to the tidal rock pool. It was quite full, but the tide was receding.

  ‘Do you think it’s safe to go this way, or should we go back over the top?’

  Toby studied the rocks and the sea. Spumes sprayed us from the waves crashing against the rocks. I could feel the pull of the receding water as it whirled around my ankles, splashing my knees.

  ‘Is it safe? No sharks are going to grab our legs, or octopus or something. Barracuda!’ Toby jumped up, closer to the rocks.

  ‘Don’t be an idiot.’ I laughed at Toby’s irrational fears.

  Big Rock sat impassively in the swirling tide, accessible only to the birds. This rock never ceased to amaze and puzzle me. It was so out of place in the landscape. There was not another like it for miles. I wondered if some time in the future it would be gone, returning to its original home. Wherever that was, no one really knew. There was a lot of speculation. If any one theory was right, there’d still be someone to argue the toss.

  I wished the two fibreglass mermaids, that had previously sat on the rock had been able to sustain the constant battering of the sea and still be there. One mermaid washed away in the seventies. The other was removed a couple of years later, because of storm damage. I imagined them basking on the rock in the day, and slipping off into the sea to eat, once the sun was down. What did mermaids eat? Surely not fish! That would be like cannibalism. Maybe they only ate sea grasses and weeds. Maybe even anemones.

  ‘I wish the mermaids were still there.’

  We gazed at the rock and the birds circling above.

  ‘If mermaids are girls from the sea, what are boys called?’ Toby asked.

  ‘Mermen, I think.’

  Toby laughed. ‘Mermen? Sure.’

  ‘Aunt Jean used the word in Scrabble, once.’

  ‘Must be true.’

  ‘Can you imagine the wave that washed that rock up?’