Fascination

by Anne Hampson

  ‘I made love to you because you wanted it, asked for it! You said you regretted marrying me, that there was nothing in your life—that you needed something more. Weil, I’d have been totally obtuse if I hadn’t known what the “something more” was, so I gave it to you!’

  Silence, as Hydee swayed unsteadily on her feet, her face deathly white, her beautiful eyes dilating as inexpressible horror and shame looked out from their depths.

  ‘So that was why you . . . you m-made love t-to me?’ Words came at last, voiced in accents husky and broken by the pain and disillusionment his heartless statement had inflicted on her. ‘At the time I believed it meant something to you, if only that you were deriving pleasure. . . .’ She stopped, staring at him through stricken eyes before burying her head in her hands. ‘Oh, no,’ she cried in a muffled voice. ‘What must you have thought of me? Assuming that I was craving . . . physical satisfaction.’ She withdrew her hands but turned away, unable to look at him, not caring if she never saw his face again. But she managed to say over her shoulder, as she moved to the door on legs that felt almost too weak to support her, ‘You might not believe me when I say that after I learned about your being with Arminda in London, I’d resolved never to sleep with you again.’ At the door she stopped but did not turn her head. ‘That happens to be how much I craved physical satisfaction. Were I the woman you took me for, I’d not care if you had a dozen mistresses so long as you spared me a little of your time!’

  ‘Hydee!’ Her name rang out across the room as she opened the door. ‘How dare you talk to me like that?’

  She did turn then. ‘I trust you will get another nanny for your children as soon as possible—’

  ‘Nanny?’

  She looked directly into his eyes. ‘That is what I am, Carlos, nothing more. Get someone else immediately or arrange for Caterina to take care of them. I shall be leaving just as soon as it can be arranged.’

  ‘Hydee!’ he called again, but she paid no heed as she closed the door softly behind her, conscious of Bento moving just as silently as he made his way to the far end of the hall where the servants’ quarters were situated.

  Chapter Thirteen

  A nameless dread lay heavy across Hydee’s heart as she went out into the grounds of the Palacio, craving the peace and isolation which the remote paths provided. She had burned her bridges, had stated quite emphatically her desire to leave her husband. He could not prevent her, nor, she supposed, would he try. Yet what was she to do now?

  Ellie’s last letter had contained the information that she had given the owner of the flat notice that she was leaving, and already he had tenants ready to move in as soon as Ellie moved out. So Hydee had neither a home nor a job to go back to when she returned to England. And as she wandered aimlessly along the flower-bordered paths, she blamed herself entirely for what was happening to her. After what Noel had done, she had sworn never to marry, and yet she had so easily been persuaded, even in the face of Ellie’s repeated warnings.

  What must she do? she asked herself again. She had a little money saved from the generous allowance Carlos had given her, but that wouldn’t last long. Tears filled her eyes, tears of regret and self-pity, but those that came afterwards were hot and bitter, shed because of her love for Carlos, which she felt would never fade even though he had treated her even more callously than Noel had. Carlos had used her and scorned her, considering her beneath him; he had tried to deny her the friendship of the only member of his family who treated her in any way as an equal. The others had not even afforded her the measure of respect which good breeding demanded.

  Gasper. . . .

  It was natural that his name and image should remain in her mind, but as yet she could not bring herself to enlist his help. She had to think of the children, who had come to love her, to depend on her, to expect her to be there every morning to get them ready for school, to meet them on their return and take tea with them, after which they would play on the lawn or she would read to them as they all sat close in one of the numerous little arbors in the grounds of the Palacio. It was she who bathed them and put them to bed each evening, who kissed them good night.

  It would be tantamount to cruelty just to walk out on them, she thought, but the thought served only to increase her misery because she wanted nothing more at this time than to shake the dust of the Palacio off her heels immediately.

  Suddenly she felt the hairs on her forearms tingle and rise as a shadow was thrown across the path from behind. She turned, stepping to one side to allow Carlos to pass, then felt foolish because it was plain that he was here because he had been looking for her and wanted to talk.

  He stopped just in front of her, preventing any further progress. She looked up into the impenetrable mask of a face, cold and grey, the eyes hard, the mouth a thin tight line—ruthless, she thought—and his voice was icily remote as he said, ‘I’m glad I found you, Hydee.’ He gave her a speculative, measuring look. ‘I wondered if you’d gone running to Gasper.’

  ‘I intend to phone him later.’ Her own voice was cold, her eyes defiant in case he should try to forbid her to follow her own inclinations. ‘I shall ask him to take me to his home, so I shan’t be in for dinner this evening.’ To her surprise Carlos allowed that to pass without comment.

  ‘Why aren’t you with the children?’

  Looking into his face, she knew instinctively that the question was automatic and not what he had at first intended to say. He seemed unsure of himself, faintly humble in spite of his innate arrogance.

  ‘Caterina is looking after them today. She offered and I accepted because I had no idea what time I would be back.’ There was dignity in her tone and bearing. Carlos stared at her and seemed to swallow something hard and unpleasant in his throat.

  ‘I would like to talk to you, Hydee. Will you come into the house?’

  She shook her head. There was nothing she wanted to discuss with him, not now that the sweetness of her love was dissolved in pain, her rosy dreams shattered, leaving nothing but fragments impossible to restore.

  ‘I have no wish to talk to you,’ she returned quietly.

  ‘I want to ask you to stay—’

  ‘I can’t . . .’ she began, but her voice trailed away to silence.

  ‘You care for the children and they care for you, Hydee. You can’t abandon them in cold blood like this.’

  Was he pleading—or merely playing on her obvious weakness for Ramos and Luisa?

  ‘I asked you to find someone else,’ was Hydee’s pointed reminder.

  ‘Yes, but I gained the impression that you wanted to leave almost immediately.’

  ‘I shall have to think about it,’ she answered after a moment of consideration.

  ‘Then you’re not leaving at once?’

  ‘I’ve just said I’ll have to think about it.’

  Carlos frowned. ‘I feel sure you won’t go yet awhile—’

  ‘What makes you so sure?’ demanded Hydee, marvelling at her own temerity, at the self-confidence she was affecting, standing up to him, in fact, just as if she were his equal.

  ‘Your nature,’ he began when she interrupted him.

  ‘You know nothing of my nature! Otherwise you’d never have jumped to the conclusion you did regarding . . .’ She trailed off, colouring delicately, appearing very young and lovely in her rush of embarrassment.

  ‘I admit to making a mistake about that, and I apologise—’

  ‘But not humbly!’ she flashed. ‘Don’t lower your pride, Carlos! Keep in mind your most exalted position—and keep your apology! I don’t want it!’

  ‘I do understand how you feel,’ he owned.

  ‘Then let us leave it at that!’ Brushing past him, she hurried on, frowning as she heard his steps behind her. ‘Go away! Go and find Arminda if you’re short of someone to talk to.’

  ‘I must know your plans, Hydee,’ he insisted.

  ‘I have no immediate plans.’ She was almost in tears, but it was not her intention to le
t him see them fall. ‘I’ve had no time to think, but I shall let you know what I’ve decided just as soon as my mind is made up.’

  ‘If you would stay until after Christmas,’ he began, ‘I’d be grateful.’

  ‘Grateful?’ Hydee swung around, her eyes examining his face. ‘How much did it cost you to use a word like that, I wonder?’ No answer, just a fleeting scowl and then nothing but an unreadable mask. ‘I don’t think I want to stay that long.’ She thought of the children again, and she thought of Ellie and Ray, who had planned to have their honeymoon here. ‘I . . . I . . .’ She swallowed convulsively but still contrived to hold back her tears. ‘I’ve said I’ll let you know—please leave it at that.’

  ‘Very well,’ he agreed after a small hesitation. And then, his tones ringing harsh and cold, ‘Were you serious about not being at home for dinner this evening?’

  ‘If Gasper is in, I shall dine at his home.’

  Carlos gritted his teeth, opened his mouth to say something and then closed it again, much to Hydee’s satisfaction. At last, it seemed, he lacked the confidence to assert his authority and forbid her to go out. He was afraid of upsetting her, now that he wanted something important from her.

  He strode away without another word. Only then did Hydee let the scalding tears fall onto her cheeks.

  Gasper came for her at half-past seven. She had said little on the phone, and Gasper had not wasted time on questions which could be asked later.

  Although Carlos was at the window of one of the downstairs rooms, he made no attempt to stop Hydee from getting into the car. The first thing she said as they drove away was, ‘I’m causing a rift between you and Carlos, aren’t I?’

  ‘We’ve never been close.’ Gasper’s voice was terse and grim. He asked her what had happened to make her decide to come out like this.

  She related everything, watching his profile, its changing shape as his jaw went taut and his mouth compressed. ‘So it’s come to a head. He admitted he’s in love with Arminda?’

  ‘He didn’t deny it, which is in effect an admission.’

  Gasper had to agree. ‘So what are your plans, Hydee?’ he asked, turning when he saw her handkerchief appear.

  ‘Carlos wants me to stay until after Christmas, but I haven’t made up my mind. I do feel awful about leaving the children, and also there’s Ellie.’ She had already told him that Ellie was coming over for her honeymoon. ‘On the other hand, Gasper, how can I stay after what’s happened?’

  Gasper became thoughtful for a time and then said, in making up your mind, don’t disregard the fact that there are many people in our family who would be delighted to see you go, Hydee. Have you thought of the satisfaction your departure would give Isobella alone?’ There was a note of grimness in the reminder.

  ‘She said the marriage wouldn’t last six months,’ reflected Hydee, a sob in her voice.

  ‘Personally, I’d never hand her a triumph like that. However, it’s your decision.’ Gasper’s voice was low, controlled, but Hydee sensed his deep concern for her, and his own unhappiness.

  ‘You think I ought to stay?’

  ‘If you can bear to, yes, I do. Why should you leave your home?’ He became quiet while negotiating several tight bends in the road. ‘What would you do if you went back to England?’

  ‘That’s the problem, Gasper,’ she admitted, going on to tell him that she would have neither home nor job to go to.

  ‘In that case,’ he said, ‘my advice is to stay.’

  ‘You seem to forget that I’m in love with Carlos,’ she said simply, and heard the little indrawn breath whose meaning she was unable to define. ‘It would be unbearable to stay indefinitely.’

  ‘Yes,’ he agreed, ‘I expect it would.’

  ‘Besides, the sooner I’m away from him, the sooner I shall begin to forget.’ Inevitably she remembered Noel, and the heartache when he had jilted her. But at least she had Ellie living with her, whereas this time she would have no one.

  ‘It’s as bad as that?’

  She nodded, a surge of desolation sweeping over her that was almost physical, so acute was the pain. She could not speak, and as Gasper also seemed disinclined to talk, the rest of the drive continued in silence.

  As Gasper had told his chef he would be bringing a guest back with him, the table was laid for two. The menu was freshly roasted cabrito with rice and spinach. Vine-ripened strawberries with cream came as dessert, and all was washed down with the young green wine, vinho verde.

  ‘You’ve eaten well, under the circumstances,’ Gasper observed later with satisfaction. They were on the patio with their coffee, enjoying the cool fresh breeze as they sat beneath the trellised vines in the pale amber glow of the lights subtly hidden in the foliage above their heads.

  It was after midnight when at last Gasper took Hydee home, and she was no sooner in her bedroom than the communicating door swung open and Carlos, fully dressed and looking somewhat haggard, demanded to know what had made her so late. He was angry, a vein standing out in his temple, but he preserved a calm exterior.

  ‘That,’ she answered, casting him a scornful glance, ‘is my business. I don’t even know what time you used to leave Arminda—if you left her at all.’

  He let that pass, much to her surprise. ‘I won’t have you staying out till midnight with my cousin,’ he told her harshly. ‘The servants will know what time you came in, and there’ll be gossip!’

  ‘Bento knows what time I came in, but it so happens that I don’t care a rap for his opinion.’

  ‘Have you no thought for me?’ Carlos spoke more soberly, his features tensed, his lids heavy as though he were overtired.

  ‘Did you have any thought for me when you stayed in London with Arminda?’ she countered.

  ‘I didn’t stay with Arminda in the way you believe,’ he said. ‘However, there’s nothing to be gained by my trying to vindicate myself, because I do care deeply for Arminda—’ He stopped abruptly as Hydee flinched, and he turned from her then to go into his own room. Hydee heard the door click, very softly, as if he did not want her to hear and yet at the same time was desirous of putting a fully closed door between them.

  Hydee stood for a long while staring at the door, thinking of what he had said about not staying with Arminda in the way she had believed. His words were tantamount to a denial of any intimacy between them. Could that be true? Isobella had said they were lovers, but Hydee would rather take Carlos’s word, even now, than that of his sister. However, the vital and wounding words had come afterwards: ‘I do care deeply for Arminda. . . .’

  Hydee continued to stare at the door, wondering how long she would be able to remain here, loving her husband as she did, and yet having to endure, every night, the sight of that closed door. At Christmas she would also have to endure seeing him with Arminda, with Isobella there watching, that sneering mouth curved in triumph, those dark eyes scorching in their contempt. She thought about the other relatives who would be staying at the Palacio for Christmas, and the ordeal she would be forced to undergo. No, it was unthinkable that she should stay, but after a night’s rest, which was surprisingly undisturbed, Hydee felt differently; she felt she could stay until after the holiday, if only for the children’s sake.

  After breakfast she rang Gasper to tell him of her decision.

  ‘Only till after Christmas?’ he said, and the note of disappointment in his voice was not difficult to detect. ‘Why not indefinitely?’

  ‘It would be impossible,’ she replied.

  ‘So until Christmas it is, then?’

  ‘Yes.’ A small pause ensued, ’I know the party might be an ordeal, with the whole family staying here, but I shall have you for an ally, and my two friends, Ellie and Ray, as an added support.’

  ‘Four against the whole bunch.’ Gasper gave a low laugh. ‘The odds are very much in favour of the patricians, but I daresay the plebs will manage to keep them at bay!’

  Hydee found herself catching his mood, and surprised her
self when she laughed.

  ‘Good girl,’ Gasper applauded. ‘Keep that chin of yours up, whatever happens. Promise me?’

  ‘Yes, Gasper,’ she answered softly. ‘I promise.’ And as she put the receiver on its rest, she thought how ironic it was that she should have fallen in love twice with men who did not want her, and now that Gasper had fallen in love with her, she did not want him—not in that way, at least. In any case, much as she liked him and valued his friendship, Hydee was under no illusions as to his basic character. He lacked the makings of a faithful husband as well as the vital attraction Carlos possessed to such a great degree.

  Chapter Fourteen

  As the days drifted slowly by, Hydee began to realise she had been steered into a path she had not really wanted to take. The wisest course would have been to go away immediately, remove herself from the Palacio and its unhappy memories. She had been influenced first by her concern for others—the children and their happiness at Christmas, and Ellie’s honeymoon. Second, she had heeded the advice proffered by Gasper, who obviously hated the idea of Isobella’s triumph if Hydee should leave her husband. Third, there had been the floundering disorder of her own mind when she tried to formulate plans for her future. The difficulty of finding a home and then a job, of resettling her life into some sort of routine and pattern, had all seemed too much for her. Those difficulties must be tackled sometime, there was no doubt about that, but for the present she would stay on at the Palacio, despite the hardship that entailed for herself.