Defending Dani

by Kat Mizera

  “Hi,” he mouthed.

  “Hi.”

  “See you later?” His blue eyes met hers almost hesitantly.

  She nodded and he winked at Hailey before skating off.

  Hailey giggled. “He winked at me.”

  “He’s cute that way.” Dani watched him moving across the ice and made sure she didn’t let her little internal sigh of appreciation escape.

  “Who’s that?” Hailey asked, motioning towards a dark-haired man skating without his helmet.

  Dani grinned. “That’s Kane Hatcher.”

  “Hattrick Hatcher?” Hailey’s eyes rounded. “I had no idea he was so hot. Wow…he’s downright smoldering.”

  “I guess I never noticed.” Dani frowned as she watched him, trying to pay more attention now that Hailey had said something.

  “You’ve got it bad, girlfriend.”

  “I do. Kane’s nice, though. We met at a party on July Fourth and we talked hockey for a while. I didn’t really notice how good-looking he was, with Sergei sitting there with his hand up my dress.”

  “I probably wouldn’t notice anyone else if Sergei had his hand up my dress.”

  They watched for a little while longer before walking back up to the concourse to find the rest of the team and join them in being announced before the game started. They’d been told they would be introduced on the ice, so everyone was excited and Dani lost herself in the moment, forgetting about Sergei and everything except the music, the sound of the crowd, the magic of it all. The teams from both Colorado and Alaska were on the ice when each member of the U.S. Women’s Olympic team was introduced, tapping their sticks against the ice in acknowledgement of who they were and what they did.

  Dani grinned at Aaron when he held out his hand for a fist bump as she skated past, and the rest of the Blizzard followed suit.

  “You’re such a show-off,” Coach Saunders whispered when she came off the ice.

  “I didn’t know he was going to do that,” she laughed.

  “If your eyes shone this bright every day, you’d probably win that gold all by yourself.”

  * * *

  The game went into overtime and Colorado pulled it out with a goal Aaron never had a chance in stopping, but at least Alaska got a point since an overtime loss wasn’t quite as bad as a regulation loss. The rest of the team was frustrated at starting the new season with a loss of any kind, but Sergei wasn’t thinking about anything except Dani. He’d texted her and she was meeting him at the hotel bar in thirty minutes; he didn’t know what else to do. He hadn’t known what he was going to say or do when they saw each other tonight, but if he was going to truly end things, he needed to do it in person. He owed her that much even though it was going to be the hardest thing he’d ever done.

  He saw her the moment she stepped into the bar and he got to his feet to greet her. To his surprise she closed the space between them in four long steps, throwing her arms around him and resting her head on his shoulder.

  “Sergei.” She said his name as if it were part of her, as if it brought her some sort of pleasure to say it, and he loved the way it sounded.

  “Hi.” Damn, it felt good to hold her and he temporarily forgot all about breaking up, saying goodbye, all of it.

  “I missed you.”

  “I missed you, too.” Was she thinner? He held her tighter and thought she’d lost weight, but she’d been thin before so he wasn’t sure.

  She slowly pulled away, her eyes on his. “Did you want to stay here or go up to your room? I didn’t know if you were allowed to be out this late?”

  “I’m okay for now. Let’s get a drink.”

  “Okay.”

  They ordered drinks and took them to a small table in the back, affording them a modicum of privacy. Sergei wasn’t even sure how to approach what he’d wanted to say, but he had to. When she’d been introduced as part of the U.S. Olympic team before the game tonight his heart had nearly burst from his chest with pride. She was following a dream, doing what she was meant to do, and he absolutely refused to get in the way of that. It would also be true of the job waiting for her with the Sidewinders. She was smart, educated and talented, but getting a job as an Assistant Trainer for an NHL team wasn’t easy, especially for a woman. If she gave it up, that chance might never come again, and he refused to be the reason she didn’t take it. No, even though it was tearing his heart out, he had to do what was best for her, not what he wanted.

  “You look like there’s a lot on your mind,” she said softly, reaching for his hand.

  He squeezed her fingers, wanting desperately to hold on to her warmth as long as possible. “There is.” He had at least a thousand things he wanted to tell her, but none of them would make the end result any more palatable.

  “Just say it, Sergei.” She slowly pulled her hand away and rested it in her lap, though her eyes never left his. “I have a feeling I know what’s coming, so don’t delay the inevitable.”

  “It’s time, honey,” he said. “Time for us to let this go. For you to go do all the things you were meant to do without being tied to a guy in Alaska.”

  “Even if that’s what I want?”

  “I can’t promise you a future, and you deserve so much better.”

  “You keep saying that, but what could possibly be better than what we had all summer?” she protested. “We were happy. We had fun. We had incredible sex. I love your son… What else is there?”

  “Dani, sweetheart, you’re beautiful and caring, everything a guy could ever want, and when we’re together, everything is stupidly easy. The thing is, if I’m being honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to marry you, to give you the love you’ve given me. Just thinking about getting married again makes me uncomfortable and I want you to have everything you want. I couldn’t bear to see you become a trainer at some gym instead of working for a hockey team, doing what you love, and I won’t let you give that up for a guy who isn’t even willing to try.”

  “You’re not willing to try what?” she asked in a soft whisper.

  “Marriage, the happily-ever-after I know you want. It scares me. I’ve shouldered that responsibility twice before and let down two good, loving women. It’s shown me that I don’t defend the things I love—I corrupt and eventually lose them. I love you enough to not want that for you.”

  “And that’s your final answer? Your decision is made?”

  “I’m sorry.” He was the world’s biggest asshole; he saw the unspoken sentiment in her eyes.

  “Are you?”

  “More than you know.”

  “If that was true, you wouldn’t be doing this.”

  “Someday you’ll see I was right. I should have done this in Vegas, because leaving you hanging was wrong of me. It’s not fair to have one foot in, one foot out, like a relationship is some kind of hokey-pokey dance with your feelings.”

  Dani didn’t say anything, her big green eyes merely focused on his, something so inscrutable in them he wanted to throw his arms around her and tell her how he really felt. Anything to make that look disappear. He couldn’t, but he wanted to.

  “Is that it?” she asked after a while. “Is that all you have to say?”

  He wanted to laugh, because there was so much more he had to say, but none of it would help. Nothing would make this any easier. “I never meant to hurt you. I hope you know that.”

  “Is that what you’re telling yourself to make yourself feel better?” She dug in her purse and put a five-dollar bill on the table. “That’s for my beer. I have to go.”

  He opened his mouth to protest, but that would only add insult to injury. She was hurt and angry, and he wouldn’t minimize her feelings by trying to act like the big man over five bucks.

  “How are you getting back to your hotel?”

  “Cab.”

  “Let me—”

  “No.” She got to her feet. “I’m perfectly capable of getting a cab on my own.”

  “I know.” He stood too, frowning slightl
y as she turned away. “Dani.”

  “Yes?” She stopped moving but didn’t turn around.

  “I hope you know our time together was special to me.” He needed to stop talking, to let her go and get this over with, but it was harder than he’d anticipated.

  “It was special to me too.”

  “You’re too important to me to be my on-again, off-again hook-up. You mean more to me than that.” He needed to stop talking, but he didn’t want her to feel used. God, he was an idiot and mucking things up more than he’d ever thought possible.

  “Good to know.” She finally turned, her green eyes finding his in the dimly lit room. “Take care of yourself, Sergei. I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for.”

  There was no way to respond to that, so he didn’t, subconsciously reaching out to gently push a lock of hair out of her face. Their eyes locked and he saw a shimmer of tears brimming in her eyes. It was time to let her leave, before he did something selfish, something that would ultimately hurt her much more than what he’d done tonight.

  “I’m truly sorry, sweetheart,” he managed to choke out.

  “I know.” She turned and walked out of the bar.

  He watched her disappear out the front doors of the hotel and then sank back into his chair.

  “Was that Dani getting into a cab?” Aaron asked as he, Jake and Kane came into the bar.

  “Yeah.” Sergei cleared his throat. “You guys wanna have a drink?”

  “Absolutely.” Aaron clapped a hand on his shoulder. “You okay?”

  “Yeah.” Sergei managed a smile. “I just told her it was best if we didn’t see each other anymore. You know, with the Olympics and all, it’s better all around.”

  Jake raised his eyebrows but didn’t say anything.

  “Oh, this is going to be a long night,” Kane chuckled, raising his hand to get the bartender’s attention.

  “Tequila or whiskey?” Aaron asked Sergei. “You’re the dumb-ass who let the best thing that ever happened to you go, so you get to pick.”

  Sergei scowled. “Jack Daniel’s. Straight up.”

  “Make that four,” Aaron told the bartender.

  “Probably should make it eight,” Jake added.

  “You want to talk or just drink?” Kane asked.

  “Jesus fuck,” Sergei muttered. “What the hell makes you think I want to talk? Unless it’s about hockey or Jake’s latest marriage counseling session, drinking is the only thing on my mind right now.”

  “Drinking it is.” Jake raised his glass and the others clinked theirs against it.

  31

  The rest of the trip was a blur for Dani, but she put Sergei out of her mind and focused entirely on herself and the Olympic team. When they got back to Colorado Springs she threw herself into hockey, working harder than ever before. She turned to meditation and melatonin to help her sleep at night, and though it got better, she still didn’t sleep as well as she should. She was doing the best she could and everyone close to her respected her request that they not discuss Sergei at all. Instead, she lived and breathed hockey. Once in a while, late at night, she’d allow herself a few minutes of self-pity, to miss and yearn and ache for him, but then she would fall asleep and by morning she was on track again. At least she thought so.

  “How long are you going to keep this up?” Hailey asked her as they got ready for practice one morning a few weeks later.

  “Keep what up?” Dani asked without glancing up.

  “Pretending your heart isn’t broken. Pretending you sleep at night. Pretending you’re okay.”

  Dani shrugged. “Until I literally can’t. There’s nothing I can do about a broken heart, so what’s the point of wallowing in it? I loved him and he didn’t love me back. Happens every day. At least I’ve got hockey, good friends and a supportive family. In time, I won’t even think about him anymore.”

  Hailey’s blue eyes darkened. “If you truly love him, it won’t be that easy.”

  “It’s not easy. That’s why I don’t sleep well and stay busy from the minute I get up until I collapse at night. Anything else and I might fall apart.”

  “Have you talked to him at all?”

  “No. Just to Niko.”

  “What does Sara say?”

  “She said he’s been pretty quiet but he’s not home that much. He’s not spending a lot of time with Niko, either, so she’s frustrated, but when she said something to him, he just doubled her next paycheck. She tried to give it back and he said it was the equivalent of combat pay, that he knew he was a pain in the ass right now and she’d earned it. She actually used a little of it to pay for a babysitter so she could have some time to herself because his travel schedule is brutal.”

  “Yeah, their schedule is nuts.”

  “Well, not my problem. I feel bad for Sara but she said she won’t leave Niko until they find someone she likes because he’s interviewed a few more nannies and they all suck. Her words, not mine.”

  “Has your sister-in-law or anyone said—”

  Dani held up a hand. “Hailey, please. I truly don’t want to talk about Sergei. It just breaks my heart all over again.”

  Hailey sighed. “I know, hon, but you’re a mess. I mean, look in the mirror. Those dark circles under your eyes are noticeable, especially at practice when you’re hot and sweaty. Everyone’s wondering if you’re okay.”

  “I’m fine.” Dani took a deep breath and looked up. “Please nip any gossip in the bud. That’s not going to make him love me and it’s definitely not going to help us win a gold medal in Seattle. Can you do that for me?”

  “I can try, but no one can miss how tired and sad you look.”

  Dani groaned. She didn’t know what to do about that.

  * * *

  Seventeen days. Sergei had never been on a seventeen-day road trip before and it sucked. He was exhausted, jet-lagged and grumpy, with a three-year-old who wouldn’t stop talking, a nanny who was annoyed with him, and a heart so filled with anger he didn’t know how in holy hell he was going to keep this up. It wasn’t so bad on the road because hockey took up a lot of his time, but as soon as he got home, reality came crashing back and it sucked.

  “But where’s my present?” Niko was demanding, tugging at his leg. “You promised, Daddy!”

  “Let’s eat some pancakes first,” Sara said, trying to redirect him because she was now accustomed to Sergei’s dark moods and did her best to keep Niko from being subjected to them. He definitely didn’t pay her enough for all she’d done in the last six weeks or so.

  “I hate pancakes,” Niko fussed, frowning and giving her stink eye. “They’re not good like Mommy’s!”

  Sara sighed. “This is Mommy’s recipe and they’re exactly the same, Niko. She taught me how to make them just for you.”

  “Nyet.” He stuck out his lower lip. “I hate pancakes and I hate you and I hate Daddy, too!” He stormed out of the room and Sara sighed.

  Sergei glanced at her. “How long has he been having tantrums like this?”

  “A few weeks. He picks up on your mood and because he’s a toddler, it escalates.”

  “Damn, I’m sorry, Sara.”

  “It’s okay. He doesn’t do this often, but right now he wants your attention and you’re not giving it to him so he’s acting out. I’ll talk him down.”

  “Thank you. I know it should be me…” He ran a tired hand down his face. “I’m exhausted and today is my only day off. We’ve got games every other night for the next two weeks and then we’ll be on the road. Again. Does anyone even come to Alaska?”

  “But then you’ll be going to Vegas for Thanksgiving.”

  He nodded. “That’s about the only bright spot in this, seeing my family over the holiday weekend. Are you sure you’re okay flying alone with him?”

  She smiled. “Of course. Thank you for sending us early so I can spend time with everyone.” She didn’t mention Dani’s name; that never went well.

  “Tell Niko if he behaves for yo
u today, I’ll take him skating later.”

  “Sure.” She put a comforting hand on his shoulder as she left the room.

  Damn, he was being an asshole. Taking out his dark mood on his toddler and the nanny wasn’t like him but he couldn’t seem to snap out of it. The simple truth was he missed Dani. Her bright eyes and gentle laughter had been what made this house a home, and though Sara did everything he asked of her, she would never replace the woman he loved. Not even on a day-to-day level that only included taking care of Niko and making sure there was food in the kitchen. He still reached for Dani in the middle of the night, picked up the phone to text her about something, bought her gifts he was never going to give her. Yet he couldn’t stop. Her words, the loving things she’d said to him, played on repeat in his head.

  Maybe I don’t see you as broken because when you’re with me, you’re not.

  He had a woman who accepted him just the way he was and had given herself to him completely. Physically, emotionally and sexually. He’d been her first everything. Boyfriend, lover, soul mate. Just thinking about the night he’d taken her virginity got him so hard he nearly had to find a quiet place to relieve the pressure between his legs. His sweet, innocent virgin loved sex and his kid and even Alaska. What the hell was wrong with him? Why was he torturing both of them?

  Because it’s better for her, he thought with a grimace.

  Maybe I don’t see you as broken because when you’re with me, you’re not.

  With a growl of frustration, he stomped up to his room and slammed the door.

  * * *

  The one good thing that had come out of his breakup with Dani was his newfound friendship with Jake, Aaron and Kane. The four of them were single, now that Jake and Adrianna were in the midst of a trial separation, and spent most of their days off together. It was nice to have camaraderie on a team again; Sergei had missed it. Though he, Jake and Aaron were struggling, Kane loved the single life. He was younger than the others, though, just twenty-six to Jake and Aaron’s thirty and Sergei’s thirty-three. He’d had a girlfriend but she hadn’t wanted to move to Alaska, so they’d gone their separate ways.