toad witch 04 - aunt tilly were canning demons

by Christiana Miller

  He looked at me and winked. “You’re feeling the Pipster now, aren’t you. You want me. I can tell. I can make you very happy.”

  “Knock it off,” I said, rolling my eyes.

  “Hey, what about me?” Gus asked. “How come she’s getting all the flirting? You have a thing against guys?”

  “No,” Pip looked over at him and sniffed. “You’re too easy. There’s no challenge.”

  “I do like a good joystick,” Gus agreed.

  “Can we get back on track here?” I asked. “Pip?”

  “Lots of interesting little portals everywhere in there. Portals on top of portals, but shadowy, like they didn’t get completely shut down. Nothing Empusa’s been through though. She leaves a fiery residue that’s unmistakable.”

  “Okay,” I said. “Let’s go to the the Great Goddess and see what’s there.”

  THE GREAT GODDESS was a surprisingly large, well-lit store in Encino, with an actual parking lot. When we went in, there was a plethora of things to look at. I could literally spend hours in there, going through the jewelry, books, tarot decks, gemstones, skulls, fairies, deity statuary, singing bowls, mini-cauldrons, crystals, imported clothing, ritual clothing, wands, staffs, brooms, swords, gifts.

  Behind the main showroom that comprised the store, there were reading rooms, a large indoor temple/ritual space, a lounge area and coffee bar, and a separate outbuilding with classrooms.

  It was run by an elderly couple, Cornelia and Fred. I had to do a double-take when I saw Cornelia. She had mid-length, mousy-colored hair and a small-boned frame, but her face was weirdly skull-like with tautly-pulled skin. Until she laughed. Her pronounced teeth and braying laugh reminded me of a jackass I rode when my dad and I went on a trip to the Grand Canyon.

  Fred was smaller and slighter than Cornelia, and looked like an elderly elf, who was looking for an excuse to laugh. Although, when he laughed, his eyes did a weird, almost reptilian-type of blink.

  Cornelia was busy mixing incense, which was fine with me, because I’d rather talk to Fred. There was something off about both of them, but Cornelia creeped me out more for some reason. Although, Gus didn’t seem to notice anything weird about either of them.

  Maybe it was me. Maybe I was just being weird. I walked up to Fred. “Hi, can you help us? We’re looking for information on Empusa.”

  “The food?” Fred asked. “Pupusas? You know what I like? Empanadas.”

  Cornelia laughed and stuck her tongue out at him. It was a disturbing visual, to say the least. “No, the demon, I’m sure.”

  “So, you’ve heard of Empusa?” Gus asked.

  “Who hasn’t?” she responded. I looked at the sign on the counter: Specializing in Spellcrafting Candles of all types. “I don’t know if I can make you a candle to get rid of her, though.”

  “How did you know we need to get rid of her?” I asked.

  “Just a hunch. If you’re looking for information, and have any plans to call her—which would be a remarkably bad idea, by the way—you’ll be wanting to get rid of her, sooner rather than later.”

  Gus looked at me, then back at Cornelia. “Too bad. We would have totally taken an Empusa Be Gone candle. Never know when it’ll come in handy. In fact, we would have taken six. Can’t be too careful.”

  She gave another braying laugh. “Too bad you don’t get instructions on making Demon-Be-Gone candles when you open a witch store.”

  I thought about what the girl at Demon’s Hollow had told us. “Back to the philosopher Philostratus, the only recorded way to get rid of Empusa is by screaming insults at her.” I wish I had the original Greek text of that. Translations weren’t always accurate.

  I kept noodling it in my head. If it wasn’t literally, screaming insults at her to lower her self-esteem, what would it be? Another word for screaming insults…would be cursing at someone…but if you take out the at, that would be cursing them. Cursing the demon could do it.

  “Can you make us a cursing candle? Specifically keyed to Empusa? And a blessing candle?” Once we got rid of Empusa, it would create a vacuum, and filling that vacuum with positive blessings seemed like a good idea.

  Cornelia nodded. “That, I can do.” She finished up what she was doing, then got out a black candle, a porcupine quill, glitter and a tall glass jar container. “Why don’t you make yourself at home? This is going to take awhile.”

  I walked around the store, and wandered into the lounge area, where cookies, coffee and tea were set out on a table. As I sat on the couch, munching on a cookie, I saw Silvio, Emily’s boyfriend, walk in, carrying a large box. I slid down on the couch, so he wouldn’t see me.

  “Ran into the UPS guy outside,” he grunted at Fred.

  “That should be our shipment of mini-fairies. Take them in back and price them,” Fred said.

  Silvio nodded, walked right past me and didn’t see me. Pip Squeak, on the other hand, started jumping up and down in my purse.

  “Quiet down,” I whispered at him.

  “Did you smell that? Follow the scent of sulphur and wet dog,” Pip squeaked.

  I looked over at Cornelia and Gus. She had finished carving the candle and was spitting on it. A cursed, cursing candle. That might actually work. I was proud of myself for coming up with the idea.

  After I ordered Pip to keep still, I walked over to Fred. “Hey, Fred, that worker of yours, the tall, lanky guy, he looks really familiar. Where would I have seen him before?”

  Fred shrugged. “He’s been part of the pagan scene for years. He used to work for Demon Hollow, back about three years ago. Then he worked at The Crooked Pantry for awhile. And then he came here.”

  Silvio worked for Mama Lua? I wondered if he was the employee she had to fire. “That must be it. I think I saw a picture of him with Mama Lua, in her office,” I lied.

  As Fred turned to take care of a client, I quietly slipped into the back room, waited until Silvio finished unpacking the box, and called his name.

  He jumped and turned around. “You can’t be in here,” he said. “Employees only. You have to leave.”

  “I just wanted to say hi. You’re Emily’s boyfriend, right? Didn’t you used to work for Mama Lua?”

  He swallowed. “A lifetime ago.”

  “Maybe you can help me. Have you ever heard of Empusa?”

  His face turned even paler, if possible. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “I see. Well, tell your girlfriend that we figured out how to get rid of her demon. We’re closing the portal tonight and banishing it. Emily should be completely demon-free by morning. In fact, a group from the church will be stopping over to see Mama Lua’s cottage and store for themselves tomorrow, so it’s a good time to clean house anyway, if you know what I mean. Tell Emily we’ll settle the rest of her bill tomorrow afternoon.”

  He blushed. “I’m sure she’ll be pleased.”

  I forced myself to smile. “Of course, we’ll expect her to publicly exonerate and apologize to Mama Lua. I’m sure we’ll all be happy to see the Crooked Pantry come out from under that cloud that’s been hanging over it. And those photos that were circulating will finally be proven to be fakes, once the church group tours her cottage. The place is pristine. Health hazard, my patootie. Anyway, I should let you get back to work.”

  As I walked out, I could hear Pip chortling in my bag.

  “Hush up, you,” I whispered.

  “Sorry,” came the whispered reply.

  When I got back to the front, Gus was paying for the cursed candle, along with a similar-sized, charmed white candle, and random supplies and, of course, statues of deities sporting large erections. Whatever he said to Cornelia about them, made her bray with laughter.

  I rolled my eyes and decided to wait for him outside, by the car.

  “SCORE!” he hollered when he came out. “Did you see what I bought? Did you see how kickass the candles are?”

  “I did. Now all we need to do is find Empusa.” Once we were underway, I
turned to him and asked: “What’s with you and that Cornelia chick?”

  “I like her. She’s one of us. One of the blood.” Gus said, pulling onto Ventura Blvd.

  “In her dreams,” I muttered.

  “What’s that?”

  “There’s something off about her. She’s…weirdly self-important.” And kind of repulsive, I thought to myself.

  “Typical catty woman. You’re just jealous.”

  I snorted. “Of her? I don’t think so. Hey, I saw Silvio there. He works for them.”

  Gus glanced at me. “What are you thinking?”

  “Well, two things, actually. I’m wondering if Silvio opened the door for Empusa, to get rid of Mama Lua and the competition, on behalf of your friend in there.”

  “If that was true, why would she be helping us to get rid of the demon?”

  “I don’t know. Throw us off-track? Do we even know if her cursed candle will work?”

  “It seemed like a pretty solid bit of spellcrafting. She etched it with a banishing sigil, pressed in bits of broken glass, pins, thread and needles, and spit on it during the spellworking. It’s definitely one cursed candle. The only way she could curse it any more is if she peed on it. What’s your other thought?”

  “Silvio wanted to get back at Mama Lua for firing him. So, he went to Mrs. Lasio and her church, told them stories about evil Mama Lua, sent them anonymous pictures and threw the ball in their court to try and shut her down.”

  “He could stage all that, including the demon calling without actually calling one in. Why would he risk bringing in the real thing? And why did the girlfriend wind up with the demon instead of Mama Lua?” Gus asked.

  “Yeah, that stumps me too. Silvio’s not the brightest bulb on the stage.”

  “Are you absolutely sure he’s the one who called Empusa?”

  I opened my purse. “Pip? Want to weigh in?”

  Pip jumped out and settled in on the center console. “Oh, he’s the one all right. Practically reeking of sulphur, fire and wet dog. Empusa’s energy is all over him.”

  “I told him we’re getting rid of the demon tonight and hosting a church group tomorrow, to show them how safe and clean Mama Lua’s is. Which means, if he’s the one painting the sigils at night…”

  “He is,” Pip said. “I can tell.”

  “He’s going to be showing up again tonight, to re-do the sigils and destroy the place. He may even try to bring Empusa back, if he thinks we successfully got rid of her. So, we’d better return to the Crooked Pantry and make a plan. We’re going to need to catch him in the act, if we want the cops to arrest him. And we still need to figure out a way to trap Empusa.”

  Gus stepped on the gas and we shot through the yellow light.

  TWENTY MINUTES LATER, we were at The Crooked Pantry.

  “Hey, Pip? If you and I go out for a walk, can you help me track down where Frank is? He probably has Empusa’s stink all over him.” Gus asked, getting out his man-bag.

  “What do you think, I’m a bloodhound?” Pip sneered.

  “I could have sworn the ability to find Empusa was one of the things you were bragging about,” I said. “But if it’s beyond your abilities…”

  “Nothing’s beyond my abilities. I am Pip, the homunculus to rule all homunculi.”

  “One homunculus to rule them all? Like Lord of the Rings?” Gus asked. Pip looked at him quizzically. “Never mind.” Gus looked at me. “It’s going to take too long for paint to dry, so I’ll go pick up wallpaper that matches the paint. We don’t need to apply it, we can just tape it up over the wall, and once our serial sigiler sneaks in to deface it, we’ll nab him.”

  “Great idea. That way, we won’t need to erase Pip’s portal quite yet.”

  Gus looked at me. “You understand that he is going to have to go back eventually, right? You’re not keeping him as a pet. He needs to go back to his side of the veil.”

  “Eventually,” I said and grinned. “He’s having a good time here. Even with the torc. It’s an adventure. Right, Pip?”

  Pip gave me a thumbs-up and a wink. As Gus headed out, with Pip safely ensconced in his man-bag, I told him to text me if he found Frank.

  I was just getting our Empusa cursing and canning supplies lined up on the counter, when Vin turned up. With a quick wave of his hand, he unlocked the door and came in.

  I sighed and locked the door behind him. “What about that whole threshold nonsense? Why do you keep crossing my threshold, uninvited?”

  “It’s a public threshold, chickie. You can’t keep vampires out of a public store.”

  “What if I ban you?”

  “Like you did to Little Bat? Unlike him, I would make your life miserable. Speaking of, I did you a solid last night, with your demon. I expect you to contact Morte and tell him the ban is lifted.”

  “What do you mean, you did me a solid?”

  “It was leaping at your window when I hit it with my bike and send it flying.”

  “Don’t try to take credit for Mama Lua’s wards.”

  “Wards, my ass. That was me, my motorcycle and my trusty Louisville Slugger.”

  “I didn’t see you,” I said, although I remembered hearing a motorcycle engine.

  “I move fast. Knocked that fucking thing back to hell. Or, at least, over to Lankershim and Riverside. It was toast by the time I was done with it. Probably holed up to lick its wounds.” He wrote a phone number down on a piece of paper, and tapped it. “Morte. Call him.”

  I took the paper and made a face. Last thing I wanted was to talk to the kid, especially in front of Vin. “Calling is so two years ago. I’ll text Morty.” I picked up my cell and let Morty know the ban was lifted, provided he behaved himself.

  “So, we’re even,” Vin said. “I hurt you, you hurt Baby Bat, I hurt your demon. It’s all gotten sorted out in the wash.”

  “Not by a long shot, buddy. Morty’s debt was wiped out, but you still owe me.”

  “How long do you plan to hold that astral marking over my head?”

  “Astral, my ass. It hurt. And it left actual an actual mark. Maybe, if I put on combat boots and kick your ass back to Hell for awhile, then we’d be even.”

  “Yeah, but if you did that, you’d miss me,” he said, grinning. “I’m kinda getting used to this whole sibling thing. I never thought I needed, or wanted, any family, but I have to say, you’re growing on me.”

  Just then, there was a pounding on the door. I looked over and was relieved to see Nick instead of Emily.

  I unlocked the door and let him in. “Nick, what’s up?”

  “Who’s your friend?” Nick asked, eyeballing Vin.

  “Not friend, half-brother. Vin Vestry,” Vin said cooly.

  Nick shifted his look to me, and he was clearly not happy.

  I grimaced. “He found me,” I explained. “I meant to tell you.”

  Nick shook his head. “Whatever. Just remember you’re known by the company you keep,” he told me.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Vin asked.

  “It means I’ve seen your file. You drag her into your crap, and you’ll have me to answer to. That’s what it means.” Nick turned to me. “Where’s Gus? I’ve been texting him and he’s not answering.”

  “Out walking. Trying to find our homeless guy, so we can set a trap for Empusa.”

  “Shit. You need to finish up whatever you’re doing in here, and come with me. I need you and Gus down at the morgue for a few minutes.”

  Vin grinned. “Sounds like a delicious evening. Sorry I’ll have to miss it.” As he was leaving, he added: “See you later, Mara.” And to Nick, he said: “That’s a promise.”

  “I already hate him,” Nick said, as the door closed behind Vin.

  CHAPTER 14

  Nick and I drove around until we found Gus, walking down Lankershim, talking to his man-bag and carrying a shopping bag from Home Depot.

  Nick watched him for a minute.

  “Do I want to know?” Nick asked
.

  “Probably not,” I said.

  “Is he losing his mind? Should I be getting him checked out at the psych ward?”

  I shook my head. “He’s as sane as I am.”

  Nick raised an eyebrow at me. “Somehow, I’m not reassured.”

  We pulled up next to Gus, and I rolled down my window.

  “Get in the back, numb nuts,” Nick said, leaning across me.

  “I’m not falling for that again.”

  “Get over it. It’s been like what, five years, since I locked you in my patrol car? This is for real. We have a body at the morgue I need you to look at.”

  Gus perked up and practically leapt into the car, although I thought I heard a shriek from inside his bag.

  TWENTY MINUTES LATER, we were in a cold, sterile autopsy room, looking at a half-eaten body. Even though the room felt like a refrigerator, it couldn’t really halt the progression of the decay, and the smell was almost more nauseating than the visuals.

  Nick had given us a container of Vicks VapoRub to put under our noses, which I was exceedingly thankful for. I don’t know how I would have tolerated that room, otherwise. We even managed to sneak some VapoRub on Pip’s nose, when Nick wasn’t looking.

  “Does that look like damage your demon could have done?” Nick asked. “We found him last night, around midnight, over by the Cahuenga exit. Looked like some kind of large coyote was turning him into a snack.”

  A chill ran through me.

  “That sounds like our demon,” Gus said.

  I took a closer look at the guy. “He seems so familiar…” Suddenly, I remembered where we had seen him before. “Gus! He’s the fake homeless guy from the Lankershim exit. The one with the chick.”

  “Are you kidding me? The couple who tried to shake us down for snaking their corner?”

  I nodded.

  “Do I even want to know?” Nick asked, for the second time in twenty minutes.

  I opened my mouth to explain, but he held up his hand to stop me.

  “I don’t. That’s what’s known as a rhetorical question, cupcake.”