by Karen Baker
CHAPTER TEN
Without having her best friend over almost every night, Beth was lonely. Having Allen over for dinner was an excellent idea for a second date.
Pot roast, potatoes and carrots, and salad were what she fixed for dinner. Beth and Allen got to know one another better as they chatted over dinner. The more she learned about Allen, the more she found him to be interesting, but not quite as interesting as Dakota. There was something special about Dakota. Allen wasn’t enjoying the awkward moments of silence between them. He talked golf, which she didn’t care for, yet she was willing overlook that. “What sports does Dakota like?” she found herself wondering instead. “Get your mind off Dakota and back on Allen. This is his time.”
After dinner, they sat in the living room and talked for several hours, about his divorce, their grown children, dating, and everything else they didn’t cover during their first date. She enjoyed spending time with Allen and looked forward to seeing him again. It was especially nice to have a man interested in her, made her. It made her feel special, but, then again, Dakota made her feel special too.
As the evening came to a close, Allen asked, “May I see you again? Maybe next time, dinner out and a movie?”
Beth thought about the last time someone had asked her out to dinner and a movie. Dakota. That was the night Dakota had a panic attack at the restaurant and they’d never eaten or made it to the movies. “Yes, I would love to go out.”
“Great! How about I call you next week and we can set it up then?”
“That’s fine. I’ve really enjoyed our time this evening.” They stood and she walked him to the front door.
“I’ve thoroughly enjoyed myself too. Thanks for a great meal. Talk to you next week.”
“Good night, Allen.”
“Good night, Beth.” He placed a gentle kiss on her cheek and then headed for his car.
“No fireworks there, but I could get used to him,” she said to herself. She stood leaning against the door frame until his car vanished from sight.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Dakota spent five days in the hospital. Beth picked her up at the hospital when she was released. “They adjusted my medication, again.”
“How do you feel? How are the voices?”
Dakota sat in the front seat of Beth’s car contemplating how to answer that question. “A little better. The voices have quieted down some. The drugs make me…tired, a little spaced out, but I’m feeling better.”
Beth looked at Dakota, “Then how about I make dinner at your place tonight? I thought you might like some company. Nothing serious, just pasta and a salad.”
“Sounds wonderful. You really don’t mind?”
“Not at all. Besides, I’ve missed my friend.” Beth reached across and took Dakota’s hand and squeezed it.
Dakota winced in pain.
Looking down, Beth saw the swelling and bruising that covered the top of Dakota’s hand. “Oh, my God, Dakota, I’m so sorry,” Beth blurted, “What happened?”
“I got angry and I hit the wall numerous times while I was in there. They had it x-rayed, but nothing’s broken.” Butterflies floated in Dakota’s stomach. Dakota realized that she, too, had missed Beth.
* * * * *
Journal Entry #803
Beth picked me up at the hospital, took me home, and cooked dinner for me. I was so excited to see her. She really lifted my spirits.
The hospitalization went okay. I hate going in, but I know that sometimes it’s a must. I know that. I’m sick of taking meds. I’m sick of voices. Nothing seems to be working. Other than Janie, I don’t trust anyone enough to talk about what I’m feeling. Today, well, I still feel like killing myself.
Roger, out.
CHAPTER TWELVE
A few days later Beth called and invited Dakota over. When she got there, Beth announced, “I’ve fixed us a picnic lunch. Think you can handle going on a picnic with me?” Beth had thought of everything, even the bottle of wine.
Dakota asked, “Just us?”
Beth smiled and nodded. She handed the basket to Dakota and headed out the door to Dakota’s Jeep. Dakota ran out the door after her, laughing all the way. It had been a while since she’d laughed. It felt good. Dakota opened the sunroof, rolled down all the windows, and turned up the music. They sang along with the country music, and they laughed even harder when Dakota sang at the top of her lungs, completely off key.
Dakota knew the perfect, secluded, little spot in the woods for a picnic. She went there when she needed to clear her mind. That was something she was doing more and more these days, running off to be by herself with the voices.
As Dakota pulled up to the little spot, Beth gasped with delight and practically purred, “This is perfect.”
Dakota spread out the blanket, and Beth started setting things out. There was a comfortable silence between them that Dakota enjoyed. Their hands gently brushed as they both reached for the bottle of wine. Their eyes met, their gaze was intense, and lingered longer than either anticipated. Dakota stared into Beth’s gray eyes. Finally, Dakota broke the silence, “Please, allow me.”
Beth broke off the eye contact, her heart was pounding in her chest. Dakota poured the wine and handed her a glass. Their hands touched again. Neither woman wanted to let go. “Sorry,” Beth said. She cleared her throat, “Let me ask you a personal question. How old are you?”
Dakota chuckled, “Thirty-nine. What about you?”
She smiled at Dakota, “Forty-five. Is that too old for you to handle?”
“Hell, no! You’re beautiful!” Realizing what she just said, “Oh, God, did I just say that out loud?” Dakota looked down at her hands.
Beth blushed, “She thinks I’m beautiful!” “Yes, you did, and I think it’s sweet. Thank you for telling me.”
“You’re welcome.” Blushing, Dakota turned her head away.
Taking a sip of wine, “Tell me your full name, Dakota.”
“Ready for this? Dakota Ansleigh McKnight. For a little kid, it was a mouth full. I’m pretty partial to it though.” ‘You should have never been born. You were a mistake. You’re not good enough to be alive.’ Dakota shook her head, willing the voices to leave her be.
“Ansleigh. I could get used to that.”
Dakota studied her friend. “What’s yours?”
“Bethany Reanne Kendrick. I kept Will’s last name, mainly because of the girls.”
“Tell me more about your family, you know, parents, siblings, things like that,” Dakota said.
“Sure. Well, I have two parents,” Beth stated, then laughed out loud.
It was great to hear her laugh. “Very funny, Bethany!”
“Couldn’t resist. Anyway, both of my parents are still alive, in their mid-seventies now. I’m the middle child, sandwiched between two rambunctious boys. I married Will right out of high school, and the girls were born while I was in college. You can imagine how hard it was to finish my degree with two small children, but Will was there, always helping out. When Will passed away, well, I thought my world died with him. It took me a long time to recover from losing him. There hasn’t been anyone since. Anyway, enough about me, tell me your story, Ansleigh.”
“Pay back, huh? There’s really not much to tell. I’m an only child, so no sibling rivalry, and my parents died when I was nineteen, while I was away in boot camp. That’s about it.”
“I’m so sorry about your parents,” Beth said with sincerity in her voice. “Can you tell me how they died, or is that too painful?”
Looking down at her glass of wine, “No, it’s not painful. Drunk driver of all things. Isn’t that amazing? Should have been Dad driving drunk. He did it all the time. I always wondered how he survived as long as he did. No big loss. Besides, they had disowned me for coming out, remember? So it’s just me in this world, but I have Janie and her husband, Robert. They’ve been great stand-in parents, and I have Valerie.”
“And now you’ve got me,” Beth added.
&nbs
p; Dakota just smiled.
The easy silence returned as they continued to eat their lunch. The wind whispered through the leaves while chickadees sang their happy song in the background. The forest was alive and they were sharing it together. Dakota was happy. Things couldn’t be any better. ‘We’re here. Why does she care about you? You’re nothing without us, you need us. You’re just a waste of space. You’re not good enough to be alive.’ “No, go away,” she muttered through gritted teeth.
“Dakota, you okay?” Beth said as she reached out to take Dakota’s hand in hers.
“Sorry, it’s the voices. There’s just no getting away from them when they start.” Dakota shot up off the blanket. “What the hell was that?” She stood, ready to fight, in a position ready to defend Beth if needed. Hyper-vigilant was the word of the day. She was acutely aware of her surroundings this afternoon. With the wind blowing in the trees, leaves were rustling, making noise that sounded like shuffling of feet on desert sand.
“It’s okay, stand down, marine. Nothing but the sound of the wind in the trees. No one is here but us. We’re safe,” Beth tried to calm Dakota, speaking in a soft, gentle tone.
“I’ve been on edge for so long, I’m not used to having a day to relax. I know I’ve been home for a while, but it’s hard to enjoy free time when so much of my time was spent on the front line fighting an enemy that was hard to see,” Dakota tried to explain. Describing events in Iraq was almost impossible to do.
“Dakota, I can only imagine what it’s like to fight a war. I have no experience whatsoever. You are really the first friend I’ve had that served in the military. So I’m lacking when it comes to responding to you, but you are safe with me. No one is going to hurt you, especially way out here in the middle of nowhere.”
Dakota sat back down on the blanket next to Beth. “I know you’re right, it’s just hard to let go of instinct sometime.” Taking a deep breath, Dakota continued, “You make me feel safe, like nothing else in the world matters. Thank you.” Dakota sighed and closed her eyes.
Beth studied Dakota. “Tell me, what do you think about the new role women will play in combat?”
“Hell, that’s nothing new. Women have been serving on the front line for a while. Remember my stories about the Civil War? As far as combat is concerned, though, that’s a different beast.” She thought back to her time in Iraq. “I spent more time out there than some of the guys in my outfit did. Shelby, we called him Shell, he and I used to patrol towns outside the wire for ten to twelve hours a day. There’s a place for everyone in war. There will be shock and outcry when women start getting killed on a daily basis though. I think when they start sending home flag-draped coffins of women killed in combat, attitudes across the country will change.”
“Wow. I didn’t realize that you spent that much time off the base.”
Dakota looked around, avoiding Beth’s beautiful gray eyes and concerned expression. “Yeah, well, we did. But that was a long time ago,” she said as she took a sip of her wine.
“How long were you in Iraq?”
Dakota knew she couldn’t avoid Beth’s questions any longer. “I did two full tours, then eight months on the third tour before the RPG attack that killed Shell. Every day felt like an eternity.” Dakota stopped talking. She just sat there, shaking her head. ‘It should have been you that died, not Shell. You have nothing to live for!’
Beth reached out, taking Dakota’s hand into hers. “It’s okay, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I truly understand.” She actually had lots of questions, but decided not to press Dakota. “Hey, Dakota, you okay?” She gently squeezed Dakota’s hands.
Dakota realized she had dissociated for a moment. “What? Oh. Yeah, I’m fine.”
Beth knew this was a lie, but sometimes it was just better to let things go instead of pushing them.
“Tell me something else about yourself, please?” Beth questioned Dakota.
“What would you like to know?”
“Anything you’re willing to share with me at this point, I guess.”
Dakota thought to herself, “I could get into a lot of trouble if I told you what I was feeling right now.” “Okay. Well, ahem, sometimes I think I’m too polite for my own good. I think that stems from my time in the military, not something I got from my parents.” Dakota cleared her throat and continued, “My father used to beat me on a regular basis when he drank, so I toughened up at a very young age. That’s one reason I joined the Marines, because I thought I was tough. My mother refused to see what was happening and never stopped him. She retreated into herself and lived in denial. I didn’t blame her, but she didn’t do anything to stop it, either.”
Dakota looked at Beth, who was listening with great intensity, and continued, “I believe in love for life. There’s not much I wouldn’t give to have a woman in my life, but that hasn’t worked out, so I settle for one night stands. Better than nothing, at least it’s a little human contact. When I feel strongly about someone I try to show them, shower them, sometimes a little too much. I believe in heaven, although I’m not that religious. I believe people should have the right to believe in whatever God they wish. Is this too much information?”
Transfixed by her friend’s eyes, Beth stated quietly, “No, please, keep going.”
“Okay, if you insist. I feel strongly about helping out friends in need. Valerie has been there for me several times, and I always try to be there for her when she needs me. Everyone needs friends, and it’s wrong to abuse our friendships, in any way, shape, or fashion. Treat people fairly and they’ll do the same. I try to be honest about my illness, but I don’t go spreading the word around about it either. Um, let’s see. What else? Oh yeah, I think that music stirs and soothes the soul, and should be turned up and enjoyed, beyond a doubt,” Dakota stopped and waited for Beth to respond.
“I say you have some wonderful ideas. I am sorry about your mother and father. That must have been a lot to handle at a young age. But you survived, and I think that you turned out just fine, voices and all.”
Dakota said, “That means a lot coming from you.”
“That’s a lot to handle for a kid.”
“Ah, no big deal. They were dead to me long before that.”
After that, they spent hours talking about nothing in particular, enjoying each other’s company. Dakota’s voices continued to harass her throughout the day. “We’re right here, we’re not leaving. You can’t ignore us. We’re never silent. We’re too powerful.”
Dusk crept up on them. “Beth? It’s getting kind of dark. I think it’s time to head back to reality.”
“You’re right. I’ve just been enjoying myself so much, I guess I lost track of time.”
They gathered their things together and headed home. As Dakota pulled the Jeep into Beth’s driveway, Beth reached over and touched Dakota’s hand. “Thank you for a lovely day.” She kissed Dakota on the cheek, jumped out of the Jeep, and ran into the house.
Dakota just sat there, dazed. “Damn, she’s amazing.” She fired the Jeep back up and headed for home.
Beth crawled into bed, her thoughts drifting to Dakota. The short salt and pepper hair, the hazel eyes, the strong jaw, and that tall, lanky figure. She was obsessing over her. She couldn’t stop wondering how Dakota’s body would feel next to hers. How soft would she be? She let her hands drift over her own breasts. Did Dakota’s feel as soft? She imagined Dakota kissing her, not the gentle pecks on the cheeks like they had been doing, but a real, honest to God kiss. She shuddered. She hadn’t thought about kissing or sex since before Will died. Will. Rayne and Desiree. Oh, God, what was she going to tell the kids? Beth realized that she was indeed falling for Dakota. A tear sprang into her eyes. Those eyes. She could gaze into them all day long and just get lost. “Oh, God, Dakota, what am I going to do?” She wanted to touch Dakota. She wanted to shout to the world that she was falling in love with a strong, beautiful woman! She knew Dakota came with a lot of baggage. She couldn’t
care less. There was something about Dakota that pulled her in. She needed her, wanted her, but Dakota only wanted a friend, she reminded herself tersely. “Well, that’s better than nothing,” she decided. “It doesn’t mean I can’t still dream about her.” She rolled over to her side, pulled the covers over her head, and drifted off to sleep. Thoughts of Dakota dominating her dreams.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
They were sitting out on Beth’s deck watching the sun go down, as classical music played softly in the background. Dakota touched Beth’s shoulder and handed her a glass of wine. Her hand traveled down Beth’s arm.
Beth looked up at Dakota. “That’s nice. Thanks for the wine.” Beth reached for Dakota’s hand and held it. “The physical contact feels good,” Beth thought. She had noticed they were doing it more and more. Not that she was complaining about it. “God, I’m so tired. It was a long day at school. My feet are killing me.”
“How ‘bout a foot rub? I’m pretty good at it.”
Looking over the top of her wine glass, “Oh, I can’t ask you for that.”
“Move over, woman!” A grinning Dakota sat down at the foot of the deck chair. Taking Beth’s feet into her lap, she removed her shoes, and started caressing Beth’s toes.
A contented smile spread across Beth’s face. “Mmmmm, that’s divine, Dakota.”
“Told ya.”
Beth sat there for a while enjoying the massage. She stole a look at Dakota. “Why hasn’t some woman swept you off your feet?”
Dakota chuckled and continued to rub Beth’s feet. “The voices, remember. Not many people stick around like you have. It means a lot to me, having you around.”
“I feel the same way about you.” Beth leaned her head back, closing her eyes. Before long, Dakota noticed Beth had stopped moving. Her gentle, even breathing made Dakota realize she had fallen asleep. She removed the wine glass from her friend’s hand and set it on the ground. She tried to get up without waking Beth, but she stirred. “God, I’m so sorry, just so tired,” Beth murmured.