by Karen Baker
“Then let’s get you to your bedroom. Your turn to lean on me.”
They headed to Beth’s bedroom. She held Beth close, taking it all in. “Man, she smells delightful,” Dakota thought. Beth stretched out on the bed. Dakota didn’t bother removing Beth’s clothes because she didn’t trust herself. Dakota covered her with a blanket from the foot of the bed and kissed the top of her friend’s forehead. “Sleep well, sweet woman.”
Beth grumbled something, rolled over, and was fast asleep.
Dakota stood there for a spell, watching her sleep. “She’s beautiful,” she thought to herself. Blond hair lay gracefully upon the pillow as Beth gently cuddled the blanket in her arms. Dakota wondered what she was dreaming. Sometime later, Dakota went to the kitchen and cleaned the dishes from their dinner together. “I could seriously get used to this.” ‘Not without us! She doesn’t want or need the likes of you in her life. She’s only toying with you. You don’t need her, you have us. We’ll never leave you. Never! You need us. You’re nothing without us. You need us to survive!’ “Oh, shut the hell up, would you?” She turned everything off and locked the door as she left.
They met numerous times over the next few weeks, cooking for each other, bringing wine, lightly kissing on the cheek when they met and departed. Dakota knew she was falling hard for Beth. She could only imagine what Beth thought about their near daily discussions and thrice weekly meetings. Something was going to have to give, and soon. She was becoming too fond of Beth, relying on her more and more as a sounding board. Dakota was scared to admit she just might be falling for the straight woman. Damn.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Love is what Dakota was seeking, but she wasn’t sure whom she was looking for to provide that love. Janie would give her the answers she was longing for. And where was Beth going to fit into her life? Dakota was confused, feeling lost. She needed Janie to ground her.
Dakota sat waiting for Janie to finish writing her note. She couldn’t wait any longer, “How am I going to tell her about the suicide attempts? About the nagging voices telling me that I’m not worth shit? And the scars, how in hell do I explain them?”
“You’ll tell her, and you will know when the time is right. She already knows a bit about the voices. Friends like Beth don’t come around that often. I believe she’ll stick by you, no matter what.” Janie was trying to convince Dakota that her friendship with Beth was secure.
“You have the luxury of saying that. I don’t. I can’t tell her. She will definitely think I’m crazy. Well, she already knows that I’m crazy.”
“Dakota, I‘ve told you time and time again, you are not crazy. You have major depression, and PTSD with schizophrenic tendencies. There are things like PAR1 receptors and the primary auditory cortex, all very clinical, very technical. We like it that way here. You know all this. She’s not going to think any less of you. Besides, I think she already likes you.” Janie couldn’t help but tease Dakota, egg her on a little. “Does she stimulate you? Does she move you?” She already knew how Dakota felt.
Dakota thought seriously for a minute before answering Janie’s questions. “Unbelievably so! I think about taking her, making love to her, anywhere she wants, anytime she wants, but I don’t think she feels that way about me.”
Janie kept at Dakota, not letting her ignore what she was feeling. “Are you going to ask her? You know that’s the only way to get the truth, if she can be truthful with herself.”
“I think I’m infatuated with her. What else could it be?” Dakota leaned back in the overstuffed patient’s chair. Dakota thought, “When did the new chairs get here?” Her mind often wandered during her sessions with Janie. Hell, just having a conversation with someone was hard to keep up with, except Beth. She had followed her conversations with Beth with relative ease.
Janie’s voice pulled her back, “Could you imagine love? It’s a possibility.”
“Yes.” Dakota said.
“I’m asking if it could be love on her part, not yours. I know what you are feeling. Ask her. What do you have to lose?” Janie said, expecting exactly what Dakota was going to say.
“My self-respect! I’m scared of what she will say.”
“What happens if she is obsessed with you, the way you are with her? Can you tell her the way you really feel?”
“Without driving myself crazy? I doubt it. I get all nervous around her. I stumble over my thoughts, then my words sound like a love sick kid or something, especially when we talk about feelings. You know me, I don’t like to talk about feelings.” Talking about feelings had never been a strong point for Dakota. “We touch a lot, she kisses me on the cheek. We even hold hands when we are together, and it gets me all stirred up.”
“You don’t stumble on your words when you talk to me about her. Just pretend that you are talking with me. Remember, she is going to be just as nervous to talk about her feelings as you will be. Help her find the right words. That way you get out of your head, and you help her. Help her feel comfortable, as this too, will put you at ease.”
“Janie, I don’t even know where to start.”
“Don’t think about that. Just start. Start with something easy, anything, but get her to talk about herself. Make the connection early on, and continue the conversation about her.”
“How do you know all this stuff?”
“That, my dear Dakota, is my little secret. Right now, it’s all about you and Beth.”
Dakota knew that Janie would eventually get around to telling her about her little secret. That was one thing she loved about Janie, they didn’t have any secrets. Well, they had two now, the other one was about her son. Dakota just couldn’t tell her about it right now, without going to pieces. One day she would be able tell her. Dakota worried about that day. It would bring Janie to tears, just as it still brought her to tear. It was what triggered her PTSD and the voices.
Dakota wanted to understand what Janie was saying, but her thoughts were consumed with images of Beth. Dakota could hear Janie talking in the background, but she no longer comprehended what she was saying. Love shouldn’t be this damn hard. Did Beth think of her like she thought of Beth? There was only one way to find out…ask. Dakota would do just that, ask Beth what her true feelings were. Dakota could only dream that she would respond the way she hoped.
* * * * *
Beth was up late one Saturday night, grading papers, when the phone rang. She instantly knew who it was because Dakota had a habit of calling late. She picked up the phone and asked, “What can I do for you, my friend?”
“You could do a lot for me, but for now I have a small favor to ask.”
“Name it and it’s yours.”
“Be ready to go at six in the morning. Wear jeans, a warm shirt, and your mud boots. I’ll pick you up and we’ll make a day of it, but be prepared to do a little shitty work.”
Now what was Dakota up to? “Sounds a little ominous, but as long as I’m with you, I’m game.”
“Then I’ll see you bright and early. Good night, Beth.”
“Good night, Dakota.”
The next morning at six sharp, Dakota was knocking on Beth’s door. Beth answered, cradling a cup of coffee in her hands. “Do I have time to finish?”
“Barely. We have a long ride in front of us. Can you make it to go? By the way, you look nice, you’ll fit right in.” Beth looked adorable in an old pair of jeans, a flannel shirt, and her boots.
“Thanks. Mind telling me where we are going today?”
Dakota was anxious to get on the road, but owed her friend an explanation. “Well, usually two, three times a month, I go out to the horse stables at Lancaster Farms and do a bit of work in exchange for a little riding. Been doing it for years now. Great way to get out of the house and enjoy some equine therapy. The farm benefits from having someone to work the horses and stables, and I benefit by getting out of the house and living a little. Works for both of us. As long as I give them a couple of days notice, they don’t seem to mind how o
ften I come.”
“What a beautiful thing for you to do. I didn’t realize you liked animals. That’s something we’ve never talked about before.”
“Tell you more about it on the way.”
Beth locked the door of her house and they piled into Dakota’s Jeep. As she drove, Dakota continued, “I love animals. I also volunteer at the humane society every couple of weeks. I’ve even fostered a few puppies and kitties before.”
“I knew you were sweet, but volunteering as much as you do is another reason I’m drawn to you,” Beth mumbled to herself.
“What? Anyway, back to the horses. I took a class in equine therapy and fell in love with them. They are so majestic and powerful. If you spend any time with them, you begin to learn their personalities. It’s just like with a person, but the communication is completely different. You learn to trust each other and build on that trust, which can take years in some relationships.” Dakota paused for a moment. “Guess this all sounds a little silly.”
“Not at all. I can hear in your voice how much they have touched your heart, how much you feel for them. So, what’s on the agenda today?”
“I thought we would saddle up a couple of sweet mares and go for a ride. I brought along a picnic lunch. No wine today, sorry. Then it’s back to the stables to brush them down and muck out a few stalls.”
“Now I get the ‘shitty work’ comment you made last night. Actually, it sounds like a lot of fun, and I’m glad you thought of me. Thank you.”
Dakota grinned from ear to ear. She was finally going to introduce one love in her life to the other love of her life.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
One night during dinner, Beth questioned Dakota, “Why do you hide behind the voices? You have so much to give to someone.”
Dakota choked on her food. “Where did that come from?”
“You’re shy, I get that. But you’d make someone a wonderful partner.”
“Um, thanks? I think.” Dakota wondered where this line of conversation was heading.
“You know what I mean. You’re a great cook, very attentive to needs, not to mention as attractive as hell.”
“You think I’m attractive?”
Beth sipped her wine. “Of course, don’t you? Let me guess, you don’t think that.”
“Guess I never really thought about it.” Trying to get the attention off her, she asked, “Why aren’t you dating anyone seriously? You’re a gorgeous woman and anyone would be lucky to have you.”
“Ya’ think? That’s really sweet of you to say. I like to date. I’ve been out with Allen twice now, but…”
Dakota stared into the incredible gray eyes, her heart pounding in her throat. “But what?”
“Well, I…I think I’m in…I just…” Beth bit her tongue. She’d come close to saying how she felt about Dakota. “Never mind. Anyway, I asked about you. We need to find you a girlfriend.”
“Thanks, but no thanks. Besides, I can hardly get out of the house. Remember the restaurant? How am I supposed to date someone? No way.” ‘That’s right! Can’t do anything!’ “I have enough trouble with the voices.”
Beth looked at her friend. “Well, I still think you would be a great catch. You aren’t having any trouble hanging out with me, are you?”
“No, I like you. You’re a great friend. You’re easy to talk to. You go out of your way to put me at ease. Makes me feel…loved.”
“Ah, Dakota, I do love you, my friend.”
Friend. Dakota really shouldn’t have expected anything more. The rest of the meal was eaten in silence, each woman lost in her own thoughts. After they quietly cleaned the kitchen, they went to the backyard and watched the sunset. Dakota was enjoying her time alone with Beth, except for the voices, which were non-stop. ‘How could you possibly enjoy yourself? No one enjoys you. She’s playing with your heart. You don’t deserve a friend like her. Let it go! She doesn’t love you, no one does. You’re all alone in this world, except for us. We’ll never leave you! You need us to be complete! She’s better off without you!’
Before she did something stupid, like tell Beth how she felt, or even worse, kissed her, Dakota jumped up and grabbed her keys from her pocket, “I gotta go. The voices are loud and I’m not thinking clearly.”
Beth was worried for Dakota’s safety. “Is it safe for you to drive? Do I need to drive you home?”
“Thanks for the concern, but I think I can manage. I’ll give you a call when I get home.”
Beth walked her to the front door. She hugged Dakota, kissed her on the cheek, and told her to drive safe.
“Will do. Later, sweet woman.”
Beth sat patiently by the phone, waiting for Dakota to call.
An hour later, the phone finally rang. “Sorry, I got side tracked. I drove around, just listening to the voices.”
“I’ve been really worried, damn you.” Softy, Beth asked, “Are you sure you’re okay?”
Dakota heard the concern in her friend’s voice. “Sorry to have worried you, but yeah, I’m fine. Well, I better go. You’ve got class tomorrow. Sweet dreams, Beth.”
“You too. Good night.” Beth hung up the phone. She wished she could do more to help Dakota, but Dakota wouldn’t let her in. She would just have to be patient.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Dakota drove to Beth’s early Saturday morning. They had planned on hiking one of the many trails in the Columbia River Gorge. Dakota told Beth she would take care of everything, the only thing Beth needed to bring was her bathing suit, towel, and her boots.
Meeting Dakota at the front door, Beth questioned, “Are you sure I don’t need anything else?”
“All taken care of.”
Beth studied Dakota. There was something different about Dakota that she couldn’t put her finger on. She looked her up and down. Same hair, no haircut. Usual long sleeve shirt, shorts, long tanned legs. Boots. Combat boots. That’s what it was. “Why on earth are you wearing your combat boots?”
Dakota chuckled at the sight of herself. “I find them more comfortable than my hiking boots. I spent a lot of time in them. Actually, this is my third pair of boots. I wore holes in the first two I owned. Lots of walking.”
“Well, I think you look adorable. A chic fashion statement to say the least. By the way, where exactly are you taking me that I need my bathing suit? I thought we were going hiking in the Gorge.”
“We were, but I changed my mind. I thought we would do something a little different. Trust me; I won’t let anything happen to you.”
Beth was comfortable trusting Dakota with her life. She knew her friend well enough to know that she would not put her in danger. She was just interested in finding out where her friend was taking her.
Dakota steered the Jeep southward. They followed numerous two lane roads for a while. Dakota was trying to get her lost on purpose, Beth was sure of this, but she was not afraid. She sat back and just enjoyed the ride. The trees were beautiful. The sun bounced off the hood of the Jeep and danced between the branches of the trees, causing a light show that brought a smile to her face. Being with Dakota made Beth feel warm and cared for. Dakota made Beth wish there was more to their relationship. She had really grown to love Dakota. If only she could allow herself to experience what she was feeling. There was something special about her friend that drew Beth in closer and closer with each visit. Nothing about Dakota was presumptuous or fake. She was the real thing: honest, caring, loving, and honorable above all else.
Dakota pulled the Jeep into a small, deserted parking lot. “This is perfect,” Dakota thought to herself. She pulled the big backpack out and slung it on her shoulders. “Let’s hit the trail.”
“Nothing for me to carry?” Dakota had a habit of not letting Beth carry anything.
“Nope. Just toss your towel and bathing suit in the pack and we’ll get going.” Beth did as she was instructed, and they were off.
“How far is the hike? And again, where are we going that we need bathing suits?”
/> Dakota couldn’t believe that Beth had never been here before. “We are going to soak in the hot springs. It’s only about a mile and a half out. From the looks of the parking lot, we are going to have them all to ourselves.”
“Very nice. Smart move. My old bones need a good soak.”
“That’s not what I meant. I just thought it would be nice to sit, relax, and enjoy ourselves. I don’t think your bones are old.”
“Funny, sweetheart.”
They continued to joke and pick on each other while they hiked. They crossed a small creek several times before reaching the hot springs. Neither could believe how high the creek was flowing, but fallen trees trunks had been put to good use as bridges.
Beth had a preconceived notion of what the hot springs might look like, but as they reached them, the actual hot springs were completely different from what she’d imagined. There were six divided stalls, each containing hollowed out tree trunks serving as hot tubs. A primitive array of PVC and piping had been laid to pump hot water into them. A second set of pipes and hoses fed cold water from a mountain stream that ran adjacent to the hot springs, so one could easily adjust the temperature in their tub. And finally, a crude hole at the bottom of each log served as a drain, with crude wooden plugs for stoppers. Several large whirlpool tubs were constructed nearby to accommodate larger groups. As they were the only people there today, they chose one of the logs.
Beth changed into her swim suit in their stall, while Dakota changed into a different shirt and pair of shorts in another. Her mind wandered to the stall next door and the woman changing her clothes. She imagined her hands on Beth, unbuttoning her shirt, lowering Beth’s hiking shorts. Her mind lingered on unclasping the bra, slowly taking it off, providing her a view of Beth’s perfectly rounded breasts.