by Karen Baker
Dakota slapped herself. “She’s a friend. Treat her with respect,” she thought. “Almost done over there?”
“Just about.”
Dakota made her way back to their stall. She gasped for breath when she entered. Beth was beautiful. Her legs were tanned and well-defined. Beth’s bathing suit was next to nothing, showing her curves and accentuating her breasts. Dakota just stood there, taking it all in. Beth laughed, letting her get her fill. She spun around so Dakota got the full view. “Like what you see?”
Dakota stumbled over her words, trying not to say something that would reveal how she really felt. “You look wonderful. Let me get the log set up then we can hop in.”
“Where is your suit?”
“Too shy. You should know that by now. And I’m not too proud of my body.”
“Well, I think you look great. You shouldn’t worry about that.”
“Thanks. Anyway…this thing should take about ten minutes to fill up. Want to climb in? I think you’re going to like it. In this cooler weather, it should feel great.”
Beth climbed into the log. Within minutes, the water was above her outstretched legs. “This is amazing! The water is divine. When was the last time you were out here?”
Dakota thought back to the last woman she had brought out here. Faith. Faith was hot, and was one hot lover. They had spent the night camping down trail from the hot springs. They had made love in and out of the tubs, and continued making love late into the night. Sleep finally won them over at about four a.m. That was over two years ago. Other than one-night stands, there had been no one else in her life since. Dakota had not returned to the springs since, not even on her own. “It’s been a while. There was no one worth sharing this place with. It’s special, like you.”
“That’s really sweet of you to say.”
Dakota climbed in and settled herself into the other end of the log. With their legs stretched out, the log was not quite long or wide enough to fit both women without their legs touching. Dakota literally soaked it all in, the water, the touching, and the peaceful silence that fell between them. Black capped chickadees and a lone warbler chirped nearby, and the burbling springs lulled them like a lullaby.
Their friendship was growing into something comfortable. They were made for each other it seemed. Their personalities meshed together, and they were peaceful together. The slight age difference was no concern for either, and they were both respectful and thoughtful of the other.
Dakota adjusted the water temperature several times over the next couple of hours. She set out crackers, cheese, and fresh fruit, along with a bottle of her special wine. This brought a smile to Beth’s languid face. Dakota had thought of everything. This was just like Dakota, always planning and providing the best for her. Just the thought of Dakota providing for her made her feel special. Dakota was always making sure she felt special. Beth knew in her heart that it was actually Dakota who was special. She planned to make sure she conveyed to Dakota how much she meant to her.
Beth teasingly rubbed her toe against Dakota’s outstretched leg, driving Dakota crazy. Beth whispered, “Dakota…please…” That’s as far she got.
“I know. Just…let it…be…for now.”
Few words, yet mountains of feelings shared by both women. Dakota didn’t know how much longer she could hold back her feelings for Beth, but she would not jeopardize their friendship. It was her everything.
After their quiet lunch, they packed up, changed clothes, and set back out for the trailhead. Still no words passed between the two women. Just admitting the attraction had been enough, but neither wanted to press the issue. It was easier remaining silent.
When they finally reached Beth’s house, she finally spoke, “Thank you for sharing.”
“Beth…” Dakota groaned.
“I know. Let it be.” Beth brushed Dakota’s lips with her fingertips, jumped out of the Jeep, and walked into the house without looking back. When she closed the door, she sank to the floor and cried. How close she had come to admitting her feelings to Dakota. She yearned to tell her that she loved her. She longed for Dakota to make the first move; she didn’t think she was strong enough to do it.
Dakota sat in the driveway for a few more minutes. Her face burned from where Beth had touched her. The trip to the hot springs may not have been a good idea. The silence was almost maddening. She had wanted to tell Beth, but lacked the courage. Maybe she needed a little liquid courage. “I’m going to need it,” she thought to herself.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
The night after they went to the hot springs, Beth had her third date with Allen. Dakota knew she couldn’t stay home and wait for Beth to call after her date. Instead, she grabbed her jacket and headed out. She pulled the Jeep into the side parking lot of the local lesbian bar. She needed something tonight, and knew exactly what it was. Sex. Dakota had to get her mind off Beth and her date, and a one-night stand would do that. Ordering a beer and a couple shots of tequila, she scanned the crowd. A few faces interested her. Tonight was going to be easy.
The cold tequila burned her throat as it went down. She couldn’t wait for the alcohol to kick in and numb her senses. She strode over to a blond that reminded her of Beth, looked into her eyes, and saw…nothing. What the hell was she expecting? Beth’s gray, piercing eyes? No, this is exactly what she wanted, sex without strings, and with someone other than Beth.
Taking a swig of her beer, Dakota asked, “Wanna dance?”
“Sure,” the blond answered.
Heading out to the dance floor, “Name’s Dakota.”
“Really? Interesting name. I’m Christa.”
Dakota folded Christa into her arms as the slow music played, and held her like her life depended on it. They danced several more slow songs before the music picked back up. Christa took her hand and led her to the corner of the bar. They ordered more beer and plenty more shots. There wasn’t a lot of talking, but plenty of kissing, touching, and heavy petting. The alcohol numbed her thoughts of Beth, but did nothing for the voices that hounded her. ‘You can’t even pick up a one-night stand anymore! You’re a pitiful excuse for a human being!’
Christa looked up into Dakota’s hazel eyes. “What are we still doing here?” she said after a few more drinks. “Follow me back to my place.” This wasn’t a question.
After they reached Christa’s house, an excess of beer and tequila was consumed. Dakota drank her fill, then had her way with Christa. Sex was the only thing on her mind. Dakota got exactly what she wanted, sex with a stranger. It didn’t take long before the voices started in on her again. ‘Couldn’t get the woman of your dreams? Another one-night stand? Of course you can’t do any better! No one wants you! Especially Beth! You shouldn’t even be alive. You’re a worthless piece of shit.’
After a couple hours of meaningless sex, and being hounded by the voices, Dakota stumbled out of bed. “Gotta go, baby,” she said, as she grabbed her clothes and kissed Christa on the neck.
Christa just rolled over. “Lock the door behind you.” And with that, Dakota left, still drunk, unsatisfied, and looking for something more. She headed to Beth’s house. ‘That’s a bad idea. She doesn’t want you; she’s out with a real man. He can give her things you never can. Just leave the woman alone. She doesn’t need anything from the likes of you!’
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Allen had picked Beth up around six forty-five. “Dakota would have been knocking on my door right at six-thirty,” Beth thought. “Great, not even out the door with him yet, and you’re comparing him to her.” She gathered herself and answered the door.
Allen stood there with a bouquet of flowers. “Pretty flowers for a pretty woman. Thought these would look nice in your home.”
“Thank you, Allen. That was very thoughtful of you. Let’s get these in water, and then we can be on our way.” Beth found a vase for the flowers. “You have excellent taste in flowers.”
“Thanks, but you can thank the lady at the flower shop. You
look wonderful tonight.” He leaned in and kissed her on the lips. “Ready to hit the road?”
They went to a little restaurant that was relatively quiet for a Saturday night. They ordered dinner and drinks, and talked while they waited for their food. Allen asked, “So, what made you want to teach American History?”
Beth took a sip of her wine, and a brief image of Dakota crossed her mind. Shaking her head, she fought off the thought. “Sorry. Teaching, well, both of my parents were high school teachers and they loved what they did. Said it never really felt like work since they enjoyed what they were doing. They taught my brothers and me to do what we love, and I love American history. What better way to spend my days, than doing something I love?”
“Your parents sound like terrific people,” Allen said, as he raised his glass in a toast. “They certainly raised a terrific woman.”
Beth blushed. “Why, thank you.”
When the food came, they continued to talk about work. Nothing else of significance, not like when Dakota is around. “Stop thinking about Dakota, this is Allen’s time,” she scolded herself.
When their meal was complete, Allen suggested a walk along the waterfront. Holding hands, they strolled quietly, enjoying the presence of the other. When they reached the end of the promenade, Allen reached for Beth, gathered her in his arms, and kissed her passionately. “I wonder what it would feel like to kiss Dakota. Where did that come from?” Beth thought. “Get your mind back to Allen!” She noticed the earth was not shattering, nothing stirred inside her. Trying to be polite she said, “That was nice.”
“I thought it was too.” Allen stood there staring at Beth, clearly smitten.
Beth knew she wanted only one thing at that moment…Dakota. She had it bad for Dakota. “It’s getting late, we should head back.” She wasn’t sure what to do next.
The tone was light and carefree as Allen drove back to Beth’s house. As they turned onto Beth’s street, she spotted the Jeep parked on the curbside, and she was instantly ecstatic. Dakota was there! She couldn’t wait to see Dakota! Allen was all but forgotten.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
As Allen pulled his car into Beth’s driveway, she noticed Dakota sitting on the front porch. She was excited to see Dakota, but wondered what her friend was doing here. Ignoring Dakota, Allen put his arm around Beth and walked her to the porch.
Beth stopped and asked, “What are you doing here, Dakota?”
Taking a sip from the bottle of tequila she had picked up on her way over, “I wanted to meet…the man…who stole your heart.” That’s when Dakota started in on him. “Not that impressive…you can do better…than this piece of crap!” ‘Go! Do it! Jump in with both feet. Don’t back down now. Attack!’
Still ignoring her, Allen went to kiss Beth, and Dakota screamed, “Trying to get her…in the sack already, ass...hole?”
That did it. “Are you crazy? What the fuck is your problem?” Allen yelled back.
“You! And yes…I’m certifiably crazy. Now get your…fucking hands off her!” Dakota started toward Allen, but Beth stepped between them, taking Dakota into her arms. She had never seen this side of Dakota before or the fierce look in her eyes.
Clearly upset now, Beth yelled, “Allen! Dakota! Stop it, dammit! What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“I don’t need this shit from a dyke!” Allen fumed. “You’re on your own, Beth.” Allen stomped off.
“Please, Allen, wait.”
“Forget it. Take care, Beth. Good riddance!” He peeled out of the driveway.
They stood there on the front lawn, Beth holding Dakota.
Dakota relaxed in her arms. “Damn…you smell good,” Dakota said, reaching her arms around Beth’s back. Beth stared up into her eyes, their eyes locked on each other. Mouths came inches from each other. Dakota groaned.
“Beth, I really…like you...take another…little piece of me…why don’t you?”
Beth felt herself losing control and leaning into Dakota. It took her a few minutes to regain her composure. “Dakota, we need to stop this. Now.”
In a soft voice, Dakota declared, “I can’t…live without you.”
Whispering, Beth responded, “I know…I know. I feel the same way.” She laid her head on Dakota’s shoulder.
Dakota pulled Beth closer and whispered in her ear, “Your eyes…touch me…deep within my soul. One of these days…you’re going to love me.”
Barely audible, Beth mumbled, “Stay…the night…with me.”
Dakota gritted her teeth, “Beth, please…don’t ask…something you can’t give…or possibly want.”
“But I want…you.” She reached up and brushed Dakota’s face with her fingertips.
“You know not what…you ask of me…I can’t…say no to you…please don’t ask again.”
Beth sighed, “Let’s talk inside. My neighbors don’t need to see and hear all this.”
Getting coffee into her friend was the best thing she could do right now. She had never seen Dakota drunk, and after the story of her alcoholic father, it’s something she thought she would never see. Beth was pissed, “You’re drunk! How did you get here? And just what in the hell do you think you were doing?”
“I drove…and I lay in wait…for you to return…to base…Beth, he’s no good…for you…I don’t want you…to see him anymore!”
“Well, I like him, and who I see is not your decision. Why do you even care who I go out with?”
Taking a sip of the hot coffee, Dakota responded, “Well…I…I think I…” ‘You’re in love with her! Just say it! You’re too fucking scared, you shithead.’ “Just because, dammit!”
“That’s not good enough. You think what?”
“All right, all right!” Dakota snapped, “I’m…in…jealous! Okay!” She had almost let the “L” word slip out.
“Jealous? Of Allen? Why?”
“Never mind…I’m sorry…it won’t…happen again…ever.” Dakota spat.
“Damn right! That’s because he walked away from me for good, thanks to you.” Beth turned away and started crying.
“Ah, shit!” Dakota thought, “I really screwed up this time.” She realize she needed to make it up to Beth. “What can I do…to make it better?” ‘You hurt her! You can’t do anything right!’
“There’s nothing you can do.” Realizing her friend was too drunk to drive, Beth said, “Let’s just get you into bed and call it a night.”
Dakota tried to stand up, but wobbled on her feet, “I’m leaving you alone. I won’t ever be back.”
Beth reached out to grab her before she fell. She was once again in her arms. “Dakota, you’re not going anywhere tonight. You’re too drunk to drive.”
“Bullshit. I’ve already hurt…you enough…please, just let me go...let me die.”
Beth took a deep breath, “Listen to me, Dakota. It would hurt me even more if you drove home and something happened to you. You’re staying here with me tonight. End of discussion.”
Dakota stood up straight and presented her with a salute. “Yes, ma’am!”
“Not funny, Dakota” said Beth, as tears continued to streak her face.
‘You stupid piece of shit! You’ve managed to hurt your friend. You always screw things up, and you screwed up royally this time. Just kill yourself. You’ve been such a jackass tonight! Just finish that bottle of tequila, take the extra meds, and go to sleep. Or hop in the Jeep and take off. Whichever way, just do it already. We’re here for you.’
Feeling defeated, Dakota gave in to Beth’s request. “Sorry, Beth. Lead the way.”
With Dakota leaning heavily against her, Beth guided her to the guest bedroom. She didn’t trust herself to share her bed with Dakota tonight. Once there, Beth started to unbutton Dakota’s shirt. Midway down, Dakota realized what was happening. Suddenly, it hit her that Beth was going to see the scars. “No!” she yelled. “Sorry, I mean no thanks… I can do it…preferably alone,” she fumbled with the buttons, trying to cover herself
.
“Fine. Holler if you need anything. I’m just across the hall.” Beth kissed Dakota’s cheek and walked out, leaving Dakota to fend for herself. She pulled off her boots, stretched out on the bed, and fell asleep almost immediately, forgetting to do what the voices were telling her to do.
Beth dried her eyes. “Damn woman is going to drive me crazy! What the hell was she thinking, drinking and driving? She could have been killed. Then what would I have done?” Just the thought of losing Dakota made her cry more. She changed into her pajamas, brushed her teeth, and then curled up beneath the covers of her bed. Her thoughts were full of Dakota and the things she would like to do to her. The fantasy had gone way past kissing at this point. She gathered an armful of blanket, pretending it was Dakota, and was soon fast asleep.
Beth arose early the next morning, having slept in fits and starts. As she made the coffee, she decided that Dakota could probably use a cup herself. Knocking on the door, she said, “How’s my big, bad marine doing this morning?” There was no answer. She opened the door, saw the bed was made, and no Dakota. The only sign she had even been there, was a note on the dresser.
Beth, sorry about last night. Please don’t be mad at me. Won’t ever happen again. Dakota.
“The little shit was too chicken to even face me this morning,” Beth fumed. She stormed to the kitchen, poured the coffee from the extra cup down the drain, sank to the floor, and cried some more. “What am I going to do?” Her heart was in turmoil. She needed someone to talk to, and she knew exactly who to call.
* * * * *
Journal Entry #828
I really fucked up. I went to Beth’s the other night, drunk off my ass, after a one-night stand. I almost kissed Beth in the front yard. So very close. What was I thinking? She’s straight! And she sure didn’t deserve what I put her through. I am such an asshole! Then, because of me, Allen walked out on her. Boy, is he stupid walking out on a woman like her, or what? I’m so confused. I need to talk to her, but know I can’t. I need to tell her, but I won’t. I left her house before she woke up the next day. I wonder if she found the note I left for her? What a shitty thing to do, but I didn’t…I couldn’t face her. Things are getting out of hand. I need to do something about all these feelings. What am I going to do? Love shouldn’t be this complicated!