by Karen Baker
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Journal Entry #837
Simply amazing! Beth and I finally made love! She told me she loved me and has since the first day we met. Unbelievable! All this time we have wasted, well, not really. We have been getting to know one another. Still, I can’t believe she loves me. I actually touched her. Life couldn’t be any better than it is right now. I love this woman with all my heart. I never thought I would feel this way about someone. I guess I was just waiting for Beth to come along. We have tiptoed around our feelings for so long, it’s marvelous to be able to hold her and tell her I love her. The fact we actually made love blows my mind. She even made love to me, scars and all. I wasn’t afraid to let her, either.
My life is changing faster than I could imagine. She wants me to move in with her. I can’t live without her. She blows my mind. I met her family the same night we made love. Her daughters are sweet women, so much like their mother. I’m still in shock. I can’t wait to tell Janie. She will be just as surprised as I am. I’m also scared shitless. I’m afraid I’m going to fuck this up, royally. Wow! A whole new set of emotions rolling through me right now. Shit, what did I get myself into? I can’t carry on a relationship with someone. I’m too fucked up. Man, one extreme to another. I can’t live without her, though. Breathe, McKnight, breathe.
Roger, out.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
The weekend after the family get-together, Beth and Dakota thought it best to invite just the girls over to tell them their news. Beth worried all week about how Desiree was going to respond. Rayne would be fine, she wasn’t worried about her, but Des was a different story, since she had no knowledge of her mother’s lifestyle change.
After a few glasses of wine, the women sat at the picnic table in the backyard, talking. “Be right back, going to get more wine.” Dakota stood up and brushed her hand across Beth’s shoulder. It was time.
“Girls, I wanted you to be the first to know. I’ve fallen in love,” Beth paused, afraid to go any further.
Rayne spoke first, “Mom, that’s wonderful! Anyone we know?” She knew, but wanted to act surprised.
“That’s why you’re here now.” Beth reached her hand out for Dakota’s. Dakota had been leaning against the sliding glass door, listening to the conversation. She reached for Beth. “Yes, as a matter of fact. It’s Dakota.”
Again, Rayne spoke first, “That’s wonderful, Mom. Congratulations to you both.” She got up and hugged her mom and then hugged Dakota. “Welcome to the family!” Then she whispered in Dakota’s ear, “Now let’s see how Des handles it.”
There was utter silence. Finally, “Mom, how? Why?” Desiree was stunned, looking incredulously from one, to the other, and back.
Dakota squeezed Beth’s hand for reassurance. Drawing a deep breath, Beth began slowly and thoughtfully, “Well, something has always been missing from my life. I can’t really explain it. I loved your father, don’t get me wrong, but there was no true passion or heat. Dakota gives me both. She completes me. From the first moment I saw her, I fell in love with her. It just took me a while to recognize those feelings and act on them.” Words then came spilling out of Beth’s mouth in quick succession, “Des, I’m happy for the first time in a long time. She makes me laugh, makes me feel like I’m the only woman in the world, and she’s kind and tender with me. I can’t imagine my life without her. I love her with all my heart.”
“Are you sure this is what you want? This lifestyle? I know it’s been hard on Rayne at times. I can’t imagine it’s going to be easy, at your age.”
“Hey! I’m not that old! Besides, Dakota will be moving in with me in a couple of weeks. I’ll be letting a few friends know in advance.”
“You know what I mean, Mom.” Desiree sat there for a few minutes, studying her mother, and her mother’s new lover. “I guess there is only one thing to say.” She stood up and walked over to her mother and Dakota. “Welcome to the family, Dakota.” She hugged Dakota, and then hugged her mom. Tears of relief sprang to Beth’s eyes. This spoke volumes on how life was falling into place for Beth. This couldn’t have gone any better, if she had planned it.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Two weeks later, the moving day had finally come. Dakota didn’t have much in her little, furnished apartment, just a few boxes of CDs, DVDs, and a few personal items from her time in the Marine Corps. The few dishes she had, she had given away. Other than that, all she had was clothes, and not many of those.
“We need to take you shopping,” Rayne chuckled, as she eyed the pitiful pile of clothes.
Dakota couldn’t help but laugh. It felt great to laugh. It’s something she rarely did, but she’d been laughing more since Beth and the girls entered her life.
The move took only three hours. Once things were in the house, and put away, they ordered pizza for two. Beth and Dakota shared a beer as they ate. “I can’t believe you’re here, completely moved in,” Beth said, wrapping an arm around Dakota’s waist.
“Kinda surreal isn’t it?” Dakota was finally home with Beth.
“It’s going to be wonderful to have someone else in the house again. It’s been a while, since Will died, and Rayne moved out.”
“Are you sure you’re okay with me moving in on you?”
“You’re not moving in on me, you’re moving in with me. There is huge difference. Besides, now I get to see you every night and every morning. That excites me! You excite me!” Beth pulled Dakota closer. The kiss was hot and passionate. When they broke free, Beth said, “Lead me to our bedroom, Dakota. Make love to me like you’ve done before.”
“I will, my love, I will.”
* * * * *
Journal Entry #863
Telling the girls about us went well. We were really worried about Des, but she surprised us all. I moved in with Beth, no problems there. It feels weird living with someone. I haven’t shared living quarters with someone since the Corps. But at the same time, it feels so natural. Maybe because it’s Beth? Becoming her friend first was probably the smartest thing I did. Now comes the hard part, the actual living with Beth. I know, I know, don’t rush things. My mind is racing faster than I thought possible. What if I hurt her? My anger gets the best of me sometimes, and there are times I don’t remember doing things. A couple of nights ago, I woke up one morning to find broken glass all over the kitchen floor. I couldn’t remember how it got there. I’m worried about the drinking. What if I get drunk again, and physically or emotionally hurt her? I would never be able to live with myself if I did anything to that woman. So many emotions flowing through me right now. I think I need to take a Haldol to reduce my anxiety and agitation. I hate taking extra medication, but I think, right now, it’s necessary.
Roger, out.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
“Please come with me? I want you to meet Janie,” Dakota begged Beth.
“Of course. I would love to finally meet her. She is important to your recovery, and that means a lot to me.”
The day finally arrived when Beth was to meet Janie. Dakota was nervous. What if they didn’t like one another? That’s ridiculous! Everyone liked Beth, and everyone liked Janie. Now the two most important people in her life were meeting each other for the first time.
They sat in the waiting room. Beth patted Dakota’s knee. “Relax, sweetheart, remember to breathe. Everything is going to be just fine.” Beth was always reassuring Dakota.
“Dakota, come on back,” Janie called from around the corner.
Dakota led Beth back to where Janie stood. A smile crossed Janie’s face. Dakota hugged Janie. “I have someone here I want you to meet. Janie, this is Beth. Beth, this is Janie.”
“What a pleasure to finally meet the person who stole Dakota’s heart.” Janie extended her hand.
Beth shook Janie’s hand. “The pleasure is all mine. It’s nice to finally put a face with your name. Dakota talks about you so much, I feel like I already know you.”
“What a nice thing to say. Please,
let’s go back to my office, where we can talk more freely.” They made their way to Janie’s office and sat down. “So, Beth, Dakota tells me you teach American history.”
“Yes, I really enjoy it. How long have you been a therapist?”
Dakota sat back and watched the exchange. They were really talking, finally.
“Twenty years or so. I feel like giving back to our veterans is the least I can do. Dakota and I have been working together for about six years, and she has come a long way.” Janie looked at Dakota, who had a grin on her face a country mile wide. This made Janie happy. “So, Dakota, how was your week?”
“As I mentioned last week, I moved in with Beth. It’s been fun, but hectic. I’m not used to sharing a place with someone. It’s going to take some getting used to. Things are still spinning in my head, but I’m managing.” Her knees were shaking like limbs on a tree, in a windstorm. She was still really nervous.
“Are you taking all your meds as prescribed? No overs or unders?”
“Yeah, and right on schedule. Beth keeps an eye out for me too. No hoarding medications or anything like that.”
Janie stared at Dakota for a moment, reading her body language. This was something Janie was extremely good at. Janie was satisfied that she was telling the truth.
“Dakota, if you wouldn’t mind, I would like to talk to Beth alone for a while today. Do you mind?”
Dakota stood up, kissed Beth, and then hugged Janie’s neck and whispered in her ear, “Go easy on her, Janie.”
“I will.” When Dakota left, Janie turned her attention toward Beth. “There are so many things I wish I could share with you. I wish I could warn you about Dakota, but she is so in love with you, and I believe you are just as much in love with her. But I do worry about you. I’m afraid she is going to hurt you. I’m not saying she is going to leave you, but sometimes Dakota is not all together with what’s happening in her mind. She is deeply conflicted about so many things. One thing she is not conflicted about is you, and her feelings for you. I’ve never seen this side of her before. Yes, there were women, but none like you. You stole her heart. I was ecstatic when she met you. Somehow, you brought her peace that she so dearly needed. I would have to say that you have become her rock. You need to find someone to be you rock. It can’t be Dakota, she’s too fragmented. Find someone you can confide in, maybe a therapist, or a close friend, but search out that person. And please, do it very soon.” Janie was trying to explain a few things to Beth. She wanted to make sure that Beth understood what she was getting into.
Determined, Beth said, “You’re not going to drive me away.”
“That’s the last thing I want to do! I just want you to understand how important you are to Dakota. She has put a lot into this relationship. I’ve never seen her do that before. I just want to make sure that you are ready for what you are getting yourself into. I believe you are. I just want to make sure you are both okay. There will be times when Dakota’s needs will dominate your own. It’s vitally important that you take care of yourself first.”
Beth was surprised with Janie’s concern for her; she was touched. “Thank you so much for your concern. I have a feeling you will be an integral part of our lives. And thank you for your work with Dakota. I know how much she looks to you for guidance, and how much she respects your opinion.”
“She’s the daughter I never had and I enjoy calling her a friend. So yes, I’m looking out for the both of you. Also, there is a class I want you to take. It’s called Family-to-Family. It’s taught at the local National Alliance for Mental Illness or NAMI office.” Janie handed Beth a couple of pamphlets.
“I’ll look into it.”
They continued to talk. Beth expressed her concerns about what to do if Dakota stopped taking her medication. What should she do in case of a crisis? Who should she call? Was there a protocol that should be followed?
“Call me first.” Janie also gave her advice on how to handle some of Dakota’s abandonment issues. They had yet to do much work on Dakota’s nightmares, but she advised Beth what to do when Dakota had them.
Finally, Janie stood up. “Well, it’s about that time. Thank you for coming with Dakota. Again, it was a pleasure to meet you. Please tell Dakota I will see her next week.” Janie walked over and gave a Beth a hug.
Beth returned the hug, “I’ll tell her. Talk to you soon.” She walked out the door and down the hallway to where Dakota was sitting, reading a magazine. “Ready to go home?”
“Done already? Let’s go home.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
It was late, getting dark outside, but as long as there was a glimmer of light, they would kick the soccer ball around. All of a sudden, it was bright again. No noise, just light, then complete darkness. “Nooo!” she screamed. “Nooo!”
“Sweetheart, wake up!” Beth flipped on the light next to the bed.
Dakota was drenched in sweat. Her legs and arms were thrashing around. She continued to scream “No!”
Unsure of what to do, Beth gently called her name, “Dakota? Dakota? Sweetheart, it’s okay. You’re here now, safe, with me. Wake up, Dakota.” She continued this for several minutes, while Dakota kept screaming.
Dakota shot up out of bed like someone had punched her in her gut. “What the fuck?!”
“Dakota, it’s Beth, sweetheart. It’s okay, you’re safe.”
Dakota had an eerie look in her eyes. Something had happened. She looked around the room, frantically searching for something. She finally caught sight of something familiar, Beth, then her American flag on the dresser. She was home, with Beth. Dakota slowed her breathing down, focused on Beth’s words, and tried to calm her pounding heart. It had been a while since she had had a nightmare this bad.
“Sweetheart, are you okay?”
“Slowly…coming down.” She took a few more deep breaths. “Yeah, I think so.”
“Tell me what you need.”
“A cold rag, please?”
Beth retreated to the bathroom. This gave Dakota a couple more seconds to catch her breath. “Here, take this, and try to cool down a little.” Dakota took the washcloth and wiped her face and neck. “What would help? Talking, calling Janie, maybe just resting?”
“It’s okay, Beth. I’m not going to fall apart. I’ve had these nightmares before, but it’s been a while since I’ve had one that bad. Do you mind if we turn off the light? It’s a little bright.”
As easily as she’d turned the light on, it was off again. Anything to help her lover.
Dakota sighed. “I was back in Iraq, just before the attack. Sorry…I just…it was dark, then all of a sudden it was bright. Then dark again. Beth, I was so fucking scared.” Her body shook from the tears Beth knew were falling, but Dakota didn’t want to be touched right now. So she just lay there and let Dakota continue. “I’ve never been that scared before in my life, for my life. I used to throw my life around like it had no value, was not even worth fighting for, until you came into my life.” She reached for Beth, pulling her into her arms. She needed human touch, the feel of someone or something real, not of a nightmare that continued to haunt her.
Beth gently touched Dakota’s scars, knowing one day she would ask, but not tonight. Tonight Dakota had been through enough. She only wanted to convey that she was there, and not going anywhere. “I love you, Dakota, with all my heart.”
“I love you too, dear, sweet woman.”
Eventually, Beth fell back to sleep in Dakota’s arms. She was safe, but would Dakota ever feel the same way?
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Dakota had prepared an elaborate meal to celebrate their three month anniversary together. She wanted to shower Beth with love tonight, a reflection of the love that Beth had shown her.
The phone rang. Dakota thought Beth was calling to tell her she was on her way home. “Hi, sweetheart!”
“Dakota?”
“Oh, Rayne. What a surprise! Your mom’s not here.”
Rayne took a deep breath, “D
akota, you need to meet me at the hospital, it’s mom. She was in a car wreck.”
“Where are you?” was all Dakota could manage to say.
“We’re at St. Vincent’s. Dakota?” The phone went silent.
“Meet you there.” She hung up the phone and stood there for a moment. “Oh, God, please, let her be okay. I’ll do anything, just let her be okay.”
As she drove to the hospital, thoughts about Beth and what could have happened to her, streaked through her mind. The voices were back nonstop. ‘Told you she would leave you. She never wanted you in her life to begin with. She never loved you in the first place.’ She did her best to push them aside and concentrate on her driving. She needed to get there in one piece, to see Beth with her own eyes.
She parked in the emergency department parking lot and made her way into the hospital. It was a different feeling being on the other side of the emergency department doors for a change. She spotted Rayne and headed over. “Rayne?” Rayne stopped in midsentence with her girlfriend and turned to Dakota. “Any word?”
Rayne fell into Dakota’s arms and started crying, “Oh, God, Dakota, they haven’t said anything yet, and they won’t let us back there. I can’t lose mom too.”
She knew what Rayne meant after losing her father to a heart attack. “Let me go see if I can stir anything up. Be right back.”
She headed over to the check-in counter to find out what was going on. “Hi, I’m Dakota McKnight. I’m here about my partner, Beth Kendrick.”
The nurse checked the computer. “Ms. McKnight, Ms. Kendrick is in exam room fourteen. She’s been asking for you. Dakota, right?” The nurse handed her a badge for her shirt, to get past security.
Not worrying about the concern in her voice, “Yes, that’s me. Is she okay?”