by Karen Baker
“I’m sorry, I can’t give out any information. You can head on back to the room if you want.”
Dakota went back to Rayne and her girlfriend, Amy, who had been joined by Desiree and Eric. She hugged Desiree and shook Eric’s hand. “They won’t give me any information, but they are going to let me head back. I’ll come back as soon as I can and let you know what’s going on. I do know she has been asking for me, so at least we know she’s awake. I’ll be back.”
‘Run! You can’t be here. You’re not family. No one wants you here. Beth is trying to get rid of you. You’re nothing without her. You really don’t want to see her; she doesn’t want to see you.’ “Stop, dammit!”
“Dakota? You all right?” asked Desiree.
“Sorry. I better head back.” Making her way back to the exam room, her head played tricks with what she was going to see. She braced herself for the worst, as if there was any way to do that. Dakota gasped when she saw her. Beth lay there on the stretcher, head bandaged, oxygen mask on her face, an I.V. coming out of her left hand. Things looked a lot worse than she anticipated. “Oh, God, Beth.” She rushed in and took Beth’s hand and placed kisses all over it, trying to avoid the I.V. site.
Another nurse walked in. “You must be Dakota.”
“Yes. How is she?”
“She’s stable right now. Let me get the doctor to explain what’s going on. Be right back.”
Tears finally started to flow from Dakota. She had never been more worried about anyone or anything in her life. Beth was her life. “Hang in there, sweetheart. I love you.”
A few minutes later, a petite woman, in a lab coat, walked in. “Dakota? I’m Dr. Stevens. Let me tell you what’s happening.” Dakota just nodded her head. The doctor continued, “Beth was in a two-car crash. A drunk driver hit the passenger side of the vehicle. Different outcome if it had been the driver side. Anyway, the good news is, there are no broken or fractured bones.”
Dakota interjected, “What’s the bad news?”
“She’s in and out of consciousness, but that is to be expected. She has a serious concussion. We did a CT scan of her brain. There are signs of slight increased intracranial pressure, basically swelling of the brain. We think this is due to the jarring her brain took in the accident. She broke the driver side window with her head. Right now, we are just going to monitor her, treat her with oxygen and medications, and see how she’s doing in a few hours. She has a laceration on the left side of her head, which we closed with a few stitches. We’ll keep her for a few days, just to make sure the swelling goes down without any problems. All in all, she’s doing pretty well.”
“D…Dakota, that you?” a muffled voice asked.
Dakota jumped. “I’m here, sweetheart.”
“Wh…What happened?”
“You were in an accident, but you’re okay. Just a few stitches to that beautiful head. How do you feel?”
“Like I was in an accident. What happened?”
“Drunk driver hit you; you probably never saw it coming. Have the doctors told you what’s going on with you?”
Beth’s eyes opened and she looked up at Dakota. “Oh, sweetheart, please don’t cry. I’m okay. She told me, but I don’t remember. Tell me again.”
“That pretty brain of yours is swollen. A couple of stitches, but they are going to keep you a few days to make sure that you recover okay.”
Beth removed the oxygen mask. “I’m going to be sick.” Dakota grabbed the trash can just in time for her to throw up. She lay back on the bed. Dakota wiped her face and put the mask back on. Beth was out again.
Seeing Beth like this aggravated her PTSD. The voices spun out of control, but she wasn’t ready for the anxiety attack that hit her from out in left field. Her breathing became constricted like someone had their hands wrapped around her throat. Her heart was racing. Her own thoughts, negative and dark, made her question if Beth really wanted her here, if Beth was going to be okay, and if she should just walk away now without breaking too many hearts. But she couldn’t walk away, she loved Beth. For now, she did her best to lower her anxiety and control the voices. Beth needed her now. It was time to set her personal problems aside and take care of Beth and the girls.
Dakota placed a kiss on Beth’s forehead. She needed to let the kids know what was going on and bring them back so they could see for themselves their mom was going to be okay. Dakota prayed that she would be okay. She had a lot more questions for the doctor, but right now she just wanted to be with Beth and the kids.
* * * * *
The swelling in Beth’s head slowly subsided, and four days later she was discharged from the hospital. Trying to convince her to get into the Jeep was a different story. It wasn’t that easy. Dakota had to promise that she would keep her head on a swivel and drive slowly, not unlike the way she usually drove. “I promise I will, sweetheart.”
The girls had planned a welcome home party for their mom, nothing fancy, just a barbecue. “They are looking forward to having you home, as much as I am.” Dakota took Beth’s arm and walked in the front door.
Beth stopped right inside the door and looked around, “Lord, it feels good to be home.” She turned to Dakota. “Feels good to be home with you, and safe in your arms again.” She stroked Dakota’s face, then placed a kiss on her lips.
Dakota gathered Beth in her arms, “Glad to have you home in one piece. You really scared me, Beth.”
“Sorry about that. How about we skip the party and hit the bedroom?”
Dakota laughed, “No. Remember what the doctors said?”
“Not really. Concussion, remember?” Beth placed a few more kisses on Dakota’s face and lips.
“Funny, very funny woman. I see how the next few weeks are going to be. Besides, the girls are expecting us out back. And if we don’t stop now, I’ll take you, right here.”
“Promises, promises!” Beth broke free and headed to the back deck.
“Mom!” Desiree yelled. “Wow, you look great!”
Beth couldn’t help but laugh. “Compared to what? I have hospital hair and desperately need a shower, but it feels great to be home.” She took Desiree in her arms. “It’s great to see you, honey. You look wonderful. Eric’s been treating you right.” Next, she took Rayne in her arms. “Hi, baby girl.” Tears streaked down her face.
“Why are you crying, Mom? You’re home now,” Rayne said.
Beth wiped away a tear. “For a split second after that asshole hit me, I remember thinking I wouldn’t see anyone ever again. It was hell in that moment.”
Dakota walked up behind her, and wrapped her arms around Beth’s waist. “Let’s not think about that any more. Positive thinking from now on, okay? We are all here, and we love you very much. Okay? So, what’s for lunch?”
Later that night, after a bath, Beth said, “What a great day!”
“Yeah, it was, wasn’t it?”
Beth walked over to Dakota and ran her hands down Dakota’s torso. “So, how’s my big, bad marine doing?”
“You keep doing that and you’ll see. No sex for you for a couple of weeks. Doctor’s orders’.”
Beth giggled, “But that doesn’t mean I can’t satisfy you, does it?”
“I think the gist of things was, nothing too exciting. But they didn’t say anything about kissing or touching. How’s the head feeling? Be honest with me.”
“Not so good. I’ve got a bit of a headache. Can we just lie down and snuggle tonight?”
Dakota pulled back the covers of the bed, crawled in, and motioned for Beth to join her. Beth snuggled in the crook of Dakota’s arm. “This is right where I want to be right now. You feel heavenly.”
“So do you. This is where we belong, together, like this.”
Within minutes, both of them were asleep, peacefully, holding each other.
* * * * *
Journal Entry #884
The accident. Worst moment of my life, thinking and wondering what had happened to Beth. I was so fucking scared,
for her, and for me. Not knowing what was going on with her, thinking that she had just graced my life and she was leaving it already. I thought I had lost her. My mind immediately went the wrong direction, thinking of the worst possible scenario. I don’t know what I’d do without her. She has changed my life in so many ways, all for the better of course. I was a nervous wreck for days, worrying about her, her precious body, and her battered head. Janie and the girls tried to comfort me. but the only thing I wanted was for my lover to be okay, and to have her back in my arms where she belonged. I took more medicine than I wanted to, but needed the extra to remain calm. She’s my everything. Don’t know where I’d be without her.
Roger, out.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Days melted together. The pair fell into an easy routine. Dinner on the table when Beth returned home from work, gardening together on the weekends, and nights cuddled together in bed. Things in Dakota’s life couldn’t get any better, except maybe the voices, which continued to haunt and nag her, irritating her frayed nerves.
They were having a family dinner when Rayne questioned, “Remind me, Dakota, your fortieth birthday is coming up in the next few weeks, correct?”
“You know it is, and don’t even think about a party, girls. I hate surprise parties,” Dakota said after taking a sip of her wine.
Desiree spoke up, “You know we have to have one, Dakota, but we promise, no surprise party. So, do whatever you have to do, to get ready for a huge party because you only turn forty once.”
Clearly out-voted, the only thing left to do was to steel herself for a birthday party. In all her life, no one had really celebrated her birthday before; this was going to be a treat for her.
Two weeks later, the house was full of people: Desiree and Eric, Rayne and Amy, Janie and Robert, Valerie and her boyfriend, and about fifteen more couples that Dakota vaguely remembered meeting.
‘No one really wants to be here. They were all bribed. No one likes you! Kill yourself! Get it over with already.’
Janie kept a close eye on Dakota all night, noticing the numerous trips Dakota made to the master bedroom. Something was going on, and Janie was determined to find out what. She approached Dakota, “How are you handling the evening?”
“Okay, starting to get a little overwhelmed, but all in all, okay.”
“I’ve noticed you disappearing off and on. Anything I should be worried about?”
“Nah, just the voices. Need a little break from the laughter and talking. Nothing going on.”
“Promise?”
Dakota bristled and glared at Janie. “Yeah. Why all the concern all of a sudden?”
“For one, I know you don’t like crowds of people. Second, they have invaded your safe place. And third, it’s my job to worry about you.”
“Not all the time.”
“Well, you just keep running away, and I’m afraid you’re going to do something stupid.”
Dakota knew Janie well enough to know that her concern was justified. They both knew each other too well. And Janie had reason to be concerned. It was Dakota’s pattern to do something stupid when things were going well. But tonight she was honest with Janie, telling her exactly what was happening.
“Please don’t worry. I’m okay.” She patted Janie’s arm. “Just taking care of myself like you taught me.”
“So you actually listen?”
Chuckling, Dakota walked away, “Most of the time.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Janie was worried. That time of year was fast approaching, and Dakota had not mentioned it. Could she finally be getting over it? Janie doubted that because Dakota had yet to talk about Shelby’s death. Yes, the anniversary of the day Shelby died was closing in, and they had not even broached the subject. Admittedly, Dakota had been a little busier this year. Okay, a lot busier, but she still worried about her.
Just then the phone rang. Right on time. Dakota.
“Dakota?” There was silence.
Finally, “Yeah, I’m here. Sorry it’s taken me so long to call, but I thought I could make it through this year without your help. I’m failing miserably.”
“What’s going on?”
Dakota fell silent again for a moment. “The nightmares are back, big time. I can’t focus. I can’t hold onto reality for more than a few minutes at a time. I thought it would be different this year. Everything has changed, but everything has stayed the same. I’m not getting any better.”
“All of this didn’t happen overnight; it’s not going to change overnight. You know that.”
“It’s been years though! Every year! Nothing changes!”
Janie tried to reassure her, “We have made significant progress, and we will continue to make progress. When the time is right, when you are ready, it will change. Believe me. I’ve seen it happen and it will happen for you too. Please don’t give up on yourself. You can do this.”
“I’m starting to remember. The bright flash of light. All the blood…seeping though my fingers…torn fabric…the smell of burnt flesh…and the noise…exploding rounds…all the screaming…and cries for help. It’s too much. I can’t take it anymore.”
Janie did her best to reassure Dakota, “Remember to breathe, Dakota. It was a horrific tragedy, but you can overcome this. You will survive. I have faith in you.”
“I know you do, but I don’t.” The phone went silent. Dakota had a habit of just hanging up and vanishing.
* * * * *
Journal Entry #910
Next to almost losing Beth, this is the worst day of my life. Shelby, I’m so sorry I couldn’t do more. I feel like such a failure. My life means nothing. There is nothing I can do to ever repay Janie and Robert for their loss. I hurt so damn bad. My head hurts and my body aches. I just want this madness to end. I can’t take any more. I hate myself! There is no reason I should even be alive. The voices are relentless. I’m just ready to end it all. No one can change my mind this time.
Roger, out.
CHAPTER THIRTY
They were lying on the bed cuddling one Sunday afternoon while watching a movie. Beth had long ago lost interest in the movie and was just enjoying a quiet moment with her lover. “Sweetheart, why don’t we take a vacation? Anywhere, just as long as we are going somewhere together.”
“Beth, you know that we can’t do that.”
Beth leaned up on her elbow. “Really? Why not, Dakota? It’s not like we have anything holding us down here.”
“What about your teaching? What about Janie? What about-?”
Beth interrupted her before she could get one more word out. “There will always be something holding us back, but we just have to be adventurous and go for it. Seize the moment! Besides, if we wait for the right time, it will never come.” The thought of actually getting out of town for a while excited Beth. Her movements became animated; she jumped up on the bed, “Please?”
Dakota laughed at Beth. She thought about it for a few minutes. “Okay, as long as I can still call Janie. Let’s go! Let’s do it! Let’s be free! I’m willing to go or do anything you want, you know that. For you, anything, my love.”
“You are something else. Do you know just how much I love you, Dakota? In the months we have been together, you have become my world. I love you so very much.”
“I’ve waited so long to hear you say those words. I was so scared to love you, but you invaded my every waking thought, even my sleeping thoughts. You must know that the love I have for you is beyond words. You bring me to my knees, you take my breath away, you make me complete. I’ve never been in love like this.”
“Dakota, you brought love back into my life…there aren’t enough words to describe the way you make me feel.”
Beth rolled over on top of Dakota. They knew exactly where this conversation was leading, and Dakota let Beth lead the way. It wasn’t long before they were both naked and enjoying the pleasure given by one another. Just what lazy Sunday afternoons were meant for.
* * * * *
<
br /> Beth knew that Janie was one of the best things that had happened to Dakota. Janie gave Dakota the attention she so badly needed. She was there to talk with Dakota anytime. Dakota needed to just hold on a little bit longer. Things would get better, Janie knew, but Dakota needed to be convinced. She was scattered and fractured, but Janie was the cure for that. Janie knew what Dakota needed, more than anything right now, and to be grounded. Janie provided the outlet for Dakota to release the emotional and mental turmoil, so she could heal from the traumas she had suffered and stuffed deep down inside.
Dakota started, “Words are just words, but it’s how we make others understand what we feel.”
“But remember, others must be receptive before they actually hear or understand what you are saying,” Janie suggested. “How was your week?”
“Beth wants to take a vacation. I’m scared, Janie, because of the voices.”
“Good, you need a break from reality. Let me rephrase that. You need a break from real, everyday life. So, where are you two going?”
Dakota sat there with her hands stuffed under her legs. Her knees were steadily bouncing up and down at a feverishly fast pace. Janie could tell something was wrong, but decided not to push Dakota about it. “Grand Teton Mountains. She wants to take the Jeep and drive.”
“A road trip? Sounds like a lot of fun. Why does this scare you?”
“Leaving my comfort zone. Really being put out into the unknown.”
Janie looked into Dakota’s eyes. “You must start getting out of your comfort zone and living life again. Beth will be right beside you. Trust her.”
“I don’t know.” For the first time in all the years they worked together, Dakota did something she had never done before. She got up and walked out of Janie’s office thirty minutes before their time was up.
This concerned Janie deeply. She had never seen Dakota so…distressed. But she knew this trip was something that Dakota really needed. Janie picked up the phone to called Beth. She left a message on Beth’s cell phone. “Beth, I’m really concerned about Dakota. She walked out of our session today. She’s never done that before. Keep a close eye on her, and call if you need to. Anytime. Thanks.” She hoped that Beth would get the message before she got home.