Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader
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Japan reportedly has far fewer flush toilets than any other modern industrialized nation.
THE HEIGHT
The architects also decided on a long, flat building instead of a tall, thin one like a skyscraper. Reason: It was faster and cheaper to build a building without elevators. Also, given that 20,000 to 30,000 people an hour would enter and leave the building during peak traffic times, connecting the floors with wide ramps enabled more people to get where they were going than stairs, elevators, or escalators ever could.
BUILDING THE BEHEMOTH
Because it seemed likely that the United States might enter the war at any moment, what took place next was one of the fastest and most massive construction projects ever attempted. Groundbreaking took place on August 11, 1941; soon afterward workers moved more than 5.5 million cubic yards of earth onto the site and then hammered 41,491 massive concrete piles (more than one for each person scheduled to move into the Pentagon) into the ground to form the foundation. Then they built the Pentagon building itself using more than 435,000 cubic yards of concrete made from sand and gravel dredged from the nearby Potomac River. Because speed was essential, 13,000 workers worked around the clock to get the building finished as quickly as possible. The pace was so rapid that rather than take the time to remove all of the heavy equipment after excavating the basement, contractors left some of it in place and entombed it in cement. And given the frantic pace of construction, the architects’ drawings barely kept ahead of the construction crews.
The building wasn’t built all at once: Each of the Pentagon’s five sides was built independently of the others in clockwise order, with the occupants of each section moving in as soon as it was finished. The last section was finally completed on January 15, 1943, just 16 months after the ground-breaking.
Q: What’s the most popular amusement park on Earth? A: Tokyo Disneyland.
RANDOM PENTAGON FACTS
• Originally budgeted at $35 million, the building ultimately cost $70 million in 1942, about as much as a battleship. Despite the huge cost overruns and the last-minute changes in the plans, Congress barely let out a whimper when it authorized the additional funds needed to complete the building. World War II was in full swing, and even the most penny-pinching politicos kept silent out of fear of jeopardizing—or being accused of jeopardizing—the war effort.
• When the Pentagon was in its planning stages, Franklin Roosevelt insisted that the outside of the building not have any windows, believing it would look more dramatic. Furthermore, a windowless building would be easier to convert to civilian government use once the war was over. But munitions experts talked him out of it, explaining that walls with “blow-out” windows survive bombings better than solid masonry walls, which collapse entirely.
• The Pentagon is designed so that the offices are as close together as they possibly can be—even so, when the building first opened it quickly earned the nickname “Pantygon” because people walked their pants off getting from one place to another.
• To deal with the immense amount of vehicle traffic each working day, architects designed an elaborate system of over- and underpasses arranged into cloverleaf shapes, which enabled thousands of vehicles to drop off passengers and leave again without ever once stopping for a traffic light. The innovative cloverleaf over-and underpasses were so successful that they became a standard feature of the interstate highway system.
• The Pentagon has enough cafeterias and dining rooms to serve more than 17,500 meals a day...but has only 230 restrooms.
• It has 17.5 miles of corridors, 150 stairways, 4,200 clocks, 22,500 telephones connected by 100,000 miles of telephone cable, 25,000 employees, 2 hospitals, its own power and sewage plants, and the world’s largest pneumatic tube system. But it only has one passenger elevator: the one that the Secretary of Defense uses to get from his parking space in the basement to his office.
Watch your step: A male spider’s reproductive organ is located at the end of one of his legs.
DAVE’S WORLD
A few of our favorite quotes from comedian Dave Barry.
“The idea with natural childbirth is to avoid drugs so the mother can share the first intimate moments after birth with the baby and the father and the obstetrician and the standby anesthesiologist and the nurses and the person who cleans the room.”
“I reached puberty at age thirty. At age twelve I looked like a fetus.”
“Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.”
“For most of history, baby-having was in the hands (so to speak) of women. Many fine people were born under this system. Things changed in the 1970s. The birth rate dropped sharply. Women started going to college and driving bulldozers and carrying briefcases and using words like ‘debenture.’ They didn’t have time to have babies... Then young professional couples began to realize that their lives were missing something: a sense of stability, of companionship, of responsibility for another life. So they got Labrador retrievers. A little later they started having babies again, mainly because of the tax advantages.”
“Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage because you’re trying to save money for when you split up your property.”
“Isn’t Muamar Khadafy the sound a cow makes when sneezing?”
“The First Amendment states that members of religious groups, no matter how small or unpopular, shall have the right to hassle you in airports.”
“The Sixth Amendment states that if you are accused of a crime, you have the right to a trial before a jury of people too stupid to get out of jury duty.”
40% of Americans take music lessons at some point in their lives; 7% take acting lessons.
POLITICALLY CORRECT
NIGHTMARES
It’s a good idea to be considerate to people with special needs. Unfortunately, “political correctness” can get ridiculous. Here are some more extreme examples.
GIRL TROUBLE. In October 1992, Shawn Brown, a sophomore at the University of Michigan, turned in a seven-page paper on opinion polls that he’d written for Professor Steven Rosenstone’s “Introduction to American Politics.” As reported by Harper’s magazine, the following paragraph appeared in Brown’s paper:
Another problem with sampling polls is that some people desire their privacy and don’t want to be bothered by a pollster. Let’s say Dave Stud is entertaining three beautiful ladies in his penthouse when the phone rings. A pollster on the other end wants to know if we should eliminate the capital gains tax. Now, Dave is a knowledgeable businessperson who cares a lot about this issue. But since Dave is ‘tied up’ at the moment, he tells the pollster to ‘bother’ someone else. Now, this is perhaps a ludicrous example, but there is simply a segment of the population who wishes to be left alone.
The paper was graded by the professor’s teaching assistant, a woman who was so outraged that she replied with these comments:
You are right. This is ludicrous & inappropriate & OFFENSIVE. This is completely inappropriate for a serious political science paper. It completely violates the standard of non-sexist writing. Professor Rosenstone has encouraged me to interpret this comment as an example of sexual harassment and to take appropriate formal steps. I have chosen not to do so in this instance. However, any future comments, in a paper, in a class, or in any dealings with me, will be interpreted as sexual harassment and formal steps will be taken. Professor Rosenstone is aware of these comments—& is prepared to intervene. You are forewarned!
What would you do? Brown got out while he could. He dropped the course. Incredibly, the chair of the political science department later expressed her support for the teaching assistant’s action.
In Boise, Idaho’s 1985 mayoral election, Mr. Potatohead received four write-in votes.
SELLER BEWARE
According to a story in the Washington Post, here are a few standard terms that some real estate firms now feel they must avoid:
• Sports enthusiasts. It could discourage the disabled.
• Quiet neighborhood. It could be a code for “no children.”
• Master bedroom. It suggests slavery.
• Walk-in closets and spectacular view. Some home buyers cannot walk or see.
POLITICALLY CORRECT COMMERCE
A few true-life PC adventures in advertising.
• Black Flag changed a commercial for insecticide “after a veterans’ group protested the playing of taps over dead bugs.”
• When Coca-Cola showed a group of women ogling a construction worker who strips off his shirt in a diet Coke commercial, the company was criticized for “reverse sexism.”
• Burger King pulled a commercial showing “a mother teaching her grown son to memorize and recite the company’s ad slogan to get a discount meal,” after people complained the ad was unfair to people who had trouble memorizing things.
• When Aetna Life and Casualty depicted a wicked witch with green skin and a chin wart in a public-service advertisement for a measles vaccine, it was attacked by a “witches’ rights group” for encouraging negative witch stereotypes.
SMALL NEWS ITEMS
• GRAND RAPIDS, MI—“A local striptease joint must build ramps on its stage to accommodate handicapped strippers, state officials have ruled.”
• SAN FRANCISCO, CA—“A self-proclaimed witch who ‘came out of the broom closet’ two years ago is demanding that the [local] school district ban the fairy tale ‘Hansel and Gretel’ because it teaches children that it is acceptable to kill witches. ‘They would not use a story that cast any other religion in a light like this,’ she said.”
This card’s for you: 90% of Hallmark cards are purchased by women.
A HANDY GUIDE TO THE END OF THE
WORLD (Part III)
Here are the end-time prophesies of three familiar religions, from Uncle John’s Indispensable Guide to the Year 2000.
CHRISTIANITY
Background: A 2000-year-old religion based on the teachings of Jesus Christ, considered the Son of God.
Signs Of The End: According to Dr. Douglas Ottati, an eminent Christian scholar, signs of the end are “very diverse...and can be very deceptive. One question that has to be answered,” he says, “is: how dependable are they in the first place? Jesus Himself is often interpreted as having said that they’re not very dependable.” But not everyone agrees with that view; a number of events are regarded by many contemporary Christians as signs, based on Revelation and other parts of the Bible. A few examples:
• The return of Jews to Israel. Many consider the existence of the modern state of Israel to be a sign of the impending apocalypse.
• The rise of China. Revelation says an army of 200 million people will attack Israel at Armageddon. According to some sources, that’s the current size of the Chinese army.
• Development of computer technology. Revelation says that in the end-times, only people with the mark of the Beast will be able to buy and sell goods. Some people think this could refer to computer technology such as bar codes.
• The European Economic Community. Many believe that the Antichrist must emerge from a united Europe.
When the World Ends: After much turmoil and strife, Christ will return and reign for a thousand-year period of peace. The battle of Armageddon will occur, evil will be defeated, and Judgment Day will arrive.
Blood ties: 25% of all murder victims are killed by a relative.
JUDAISM
Background: A 6,000-year-old monotheistic religion based on the Talmud (Jewish Oral Law) and the Torah (Written Law)—the first 5 books of the Old Testament.
Signs the End Is Near: The Messiah arrives. According to Rabbi Chaim Richman, this will be obvious, because “the world [will] be so drastically changed for the better that it [will] be absolutely incontestable!” For signs, he offers a list of “basic missions of the Messiah,” including:
• “Cause the world to return to G-d and His teachings”
• “Oversee the rebuilding of Jerusalem, including the Temple, in the event that it has not yet been rebuilt.”
• “Gather the Jewish people from all over the world and bring them home to the land of Israel.”
When the World Ends: “Jews don’t think in terms of the end of the world,” says one scholar. “They think in terms of a new beginning. There’s no cataclysm that marks this beginning. After the Messiah comes, people work in partnership with the Divine to bring about a better world.”
ISLAM
Background: A religion founded in the 7th century by the prophet Muhammed. He experienced a series of divine visions which he wrote down in the Koran.
Signs The End Is Near: Mohammed Ali Ibn Zubair Ali says in Signs of Qiyamah that after the arrival of the Enlightened One, Imam Madhi, “the ground will cave in, fog or smoke will cover the skies for forty days. A night three nights long will follow the fog. After the night of three nights, the sun will rise in the west. The Beast from the Earth will emerge. The Beast will talk to people and mark the faces of people. A breeze from the south causes sores in the armpits of Muslims which they will die from. The Qur’an will be lifted from the hearts of the people.”
When the World Ends: “The Imam...will create a world state....He will teach you simple living and high thinking. With such a start he will establish an empire of God in this world. He will be the final demonstration and proof of God’s merciful wish to acquaint man with the right ways of life.”
In 1658 the Virginia legislature passed a law outlawing lawyers.
TO SHAVE, OR
NOT TO SHAVE?
Calling all men: It may come as a surprise, but shaving your beard is more than a social obligation. It’s a grooming ritual that men have been messing around with since prehistoric times. Here are a few facts to ponder the next time you whip out that razor and start scrapin’.
PREHISTORIC SHAVING
• According to Razor House: “Cave paintings have shown that, contrary to popular opinion, early man went about his work clean-shaven, making good use of pieces of sharpened flint.”
Shaving historian Eleanor Whitty adds:
• “The earliest razors discovered were flint blades made possibly as far back as 30,000 B.C. Flint could provide an extremely sharp edge for shaving. These were the first disposable shavers because flint becomes dull rather quickly.”
• “Not only did early man cut and/or shave off body hair with flint, he also seemed to enjoy carving unusual artistic designs into his skin. If he added natural dyes and colors to these cuts, he ended up with a tattoo. Other stone shaving tools found were made during the Neolithic Period, or Late Stone Age.”
• “With the Bronze Age and primitive metalworking, came razors made from iron, bronze and even gold.”
ANCIENT SHAVING
• Egyptian pharaohs (around 4000 B.C.) were clean-shaven. All body hair, including beards, were considered a sign of “uncleanliness and negligence.”
• The civilizations of Rome and Greece used iron blades with a long handle and developed the shape of the “open” or “cut-throat” razor which was the only practical razor until the 19th century.
• In Greece (around 500 B.C.) men cropped their hair very short and shaved their faces. Alexander the Great was largely responsible for this. Historians call him “obsessed with shaving.” One reason: good military strategy. “He didn’t want the enemy to be able to grab his soldiers’ beards with one hand while stabbing them with the other.” However, it was also a matter of aesthetics. Alexander even shaved during wartime, and “would not allow himself to be seen going into battle with a five o’clock shadow.”
Three U.S. towns are named Santa Claus.
• Whitty reports that professional barbers were introduced to Rome about 300 B.C. by a businessman named Publicus Ticinius Maenas who he brought a few barbers with him from Sicily. It st
arted a fad that lasted for hundreds of years.
• During this time, Whitty writes, “young Roman men about 21 years of age were actually required to have their first shave. To celebrate this official entry into manhood, they had an elaborate party-like ritual.” Male friends were invited to watch, and brought gifts. The only Romans not required to go through this ritual were soldiers and young men training to become philosophers.
MODERN SHAVING
Razor House reports:
• “Advances in razor technology changed shaving habits in the 20th century. In 1900, most men were either shaved by the local barber (your trusted confidante, wielding a cut-throat razor), or periodically at home when required, rather than regularly. The barber’s better-off customers would have personal sets of seven razors, labelled ‘Sunday’ to Saturday’.”
• “The first ‘safety’ razor, a razor where the skin is protected from all but the very edge of the blade, was invented by a Frenchman, Jean-Jacques Perret, who was inspired by the joiner’s plane. An expert on the subject, he also wrote a book called Pogonotomy or the Art of Learning to Shave Oneself. In the late 1820s, a similar razor was made in Sheffield and from the 1870s, a single-edge blade, mounted on a hoe-shaped handle was available in Britain and Germany.”
• “The idea of a use-once, disposable blade (which didn’t need resharpening) came from King Camp Gillette in 1895. It was suggested to him that the ideal way to make money was to sell a product that had to be replaced constantly—an early example of built-in obsolescence. However, producing a paper-thin piece of steel with a sharpened edge strong enough to remove a beard was a near technical impossibility at that time. Although patents were filed in 1901, it was not until 1903 that Gillette could go into business, with the assistance of his technical adviser, MIT’s William Nickerson. He produced a grand total of 51 razors and 168 blades in that year.