Incredible Beauty (So Many Reasons)

by Missy Johnson

  After a check of all my obs, routine blood tests and my promise not to do anything for the rest of the day, Simon dropped me back at home. He walked me to the door, inside to the hallway, then over to the sofa, kissing me at every step as his hand wandered underneath my shirt. I giggled as he touched me, my body shivering from the chills they left in their wake.

  "Don't you have to get back to work?" I laughed, squirming away so I could face him.

  "I'm sure a few more minutes isn't going to make much of a difference," he murmured, fighting with the buttons on my shirt. “Besides, work isn’t nearly as interesting as this.” Swatting his hands away, I pushing him backwards toward the door, almost giving in as I caught sight of his smooth, hard chest through an open button.

  "Go back to work," I ordered him, the smile remaining on my face. Simon sighed then nodded.

  "See you later, I'll bring home dinner," he agreed begrudgingly but not before letting his lips taste mine again.

  After he was gone, I lay down on the sofa, giving in to the sudden wave of anxiety that had washed over me. That was the real reason I’d wanted him to go. The feelings of emptiness and loss had come on suddenly and were my classic signs of a panic attack. I felt like the world was about to collapse around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

  It made no sense. There was no theory behind these feelings, only that they had been getting more common since the pregnancy. Maybe it really was the hormones or the pressure of the pregnancy. Simon didn't know just how badly things were affecting me, because when I really needed to I was good at masking at least some of my feelings. Those close to me knew something was up, but not the extent of it.

  I reached into my handbag and fumbled for the business card for my new psychiatrist. Taking a deep breath, I dialed the number. The few minutes waiting for him to answer were the worst. Even though I’d seen him a handful of times now, the nerves were still there, as though we were starting a relationship. Thinking about it, I guess we were. The rapport between Doctor Mellow and I had taken years to build up, before I actually felt comfortable enough to really open up. Why the hell did he have to retire? Not that traveling back regularly for appointments was a viable option anyway.

  This new doctor was the polar opposite to Doctor Mellow. He was young, attractive and implored new treatment methods, whereas Doctor Mellow had been old school. Doctor Nichols also had some fashion sense, something that Doctor Mellow had definitely lacked.

  "Hello, Doctor Nichols speaking." Crap. I hated being unprepared. I always had what I wanted to say ready in my mind and of course, he would answer rather than his assistant.

  “Uh, it’s-this is Emma Mancelli. I need to…God, I don’t even know,” I groaned, my face flaming. Could I sound any more like a moron?

  “Emma, how are you,” he chuckled, “you have an appointment next week. Did you need me to squeeze you in earlier?” he asked.

  “Please,” I replied thankfully, “tomorrow if possible?” Cass was planning on coming over, so I could get her to take me down. Then maybe we could have a coffee. Gosh I almost sounded normal.

  “Okay Emma, one o’clock tomorrow. Is that okay?”

  “Perfect, thank you,” I replied.

  I ended the call and took a deep breath. Touching my wrist, I realized I was shaking. What the hell was going on with me? I felt lightheaded and jumpy. Taking a couple of aspirin, I spread myself out on the sofa, lying on my side.

  Chapter Four

  Simon

  It had been a long day and I was finally home and looking forward to spending some quality time with my fiancée. It still felt strange to say that, like I couldn't quite believe this amazingly, stunning woman actually said yes.

  At the appointment, she had looked tired and although she tried to hide it, I could tell something was bothering her. I hated pressuring her into talking to me, but at the same time I wanted to take away every bad feeling she had and replace it with happiness and I couldn’t do that if I didn’t know what the problem was.

  I walked inside, Emma was laying down on the sofa with her feet up and her hand resting casually across her stomach. The same stomach that carries our little baby who we'd nicknamed bean. Bean sounded better than referring to it as ‘it’. Emma wants to find out the sex of the baby. She can't handle surprises and after all she’s been through I don't blame her.

  My reasoning is something I’d never share with her. Knowing the baby's sex gives it more of an identity and she is at such a high risk of losing bean, I don't want the loss to be any more difficult for her if it does happen. Logically I know that it’s ridiculous but emotionally, anything I can possibly do to shield her from more pain and heartache I’ll do.

  I know Em worries about the pregnancy, I can see it in her eyes.

  With an eighty percent chance she will lose the baby, how could she not?

  Up until this point, the complications had been fairly minimal thank god. Severe morning sickness that lasted all day was commonplace during the first trimester and I've called an ambulance after she'd suffered painful cramps twice, the most recent last night. All that aside, things were going along smoothly. I know we were both feeling the pressure of waiting for something to go wrong.

  Emma sat up, hearing the door close, her face lit up when she saw me her smile reaching her deep blue eyes that I could lose myself in all day. Every single day it amazed me how beautiful she was.

  "I missed you," she smiled as I leaned down to kiss her. The sweet smell of her shampoo drifted through my senses. She looked so sexy lying there, what this girl saw in me, I didn't know.

  "How was your afternoon?" I asked, crouching down beside her. I lifted her top enough to expose her stomach and kissed her bump. She laughed, her cheeks flushed with happiness. This was the side of Em I loved seeing. Carol, who sat beside Em, glared up at me.

  We had an understanding, Carol and me: we stayed out of each other’s way. I had nothing against cats, in fact I quite liked them, but Carol really was a one of a kind and not in a good way. She seemed to hate me, in fact, the only person she’d even slightly tolerate was Em.

  "Good," she smiled, "not that I've done much." She glanced around the living room and rolled her eyes at the mess.

  "And you shouldn't be doing anything," I reminded her.

  Doctors’ orders were that she do minimal activity until the baby was born. Em didn't like that and I seemed to be constantly reminding her to slow down. She made a face at me when I turned around thinking I couldn't see. I did see. Just like I saw lots of things, she thought I didn't. Like the empty bed next to me in the middle of the night, or the closed bathroom door muffling the sound of her crying.

  She was slowly getting on top of her agoraphobia. I don't think it's something she will ever truly overcome, just something she can get under control. She will go outside, but always at my or someone else’s insistence. She will shop with me, at night, during the quietest times and sometimes I can even talk her into going out for dinner, which is a huge difference from the Em I’d met a few months ago. I can tell she is uncomfortable and anxious and I can't stand to see her like that, but I know the more she does it, the easier it will become. I also know how easy it would be for her to slip backwards to how she was; like a recovering alcoholic. And I knew that feeling all too well.

  "What do you feel like for dinner?" I asked, picking up the selection of menus next to the phone. "Pizza or Chinese?"

  "Chinese," she smiled. "I have a craving for honey chicken."

  I laughed, at least honey chicken was relatively normal compared to some of the things she'd been craving lately. Like last week when she had me drive out to buy some chicken drumsticks and a liter of triple chocolate ice-cream…which was fine until she started dipping the chicken into the ice-cream like a spoon.

  Walking over to the phone I ordered our dinner for delivery. I couldn't be bothered getting it on the way home and I sure as hell wasn’t going out again. Commuting from home to work was hell and even
more so because it meant being so far away from Em all day. I wanted to be close just in case something happened. It was that same overwhelming urge I’d had to protect her since we met kicking in again.

  "I was thinking," Em began. Uh-oh. I stiffened at the hesitation in her voice, which suggested whatever was coming was going to be something I didn't like.

  "Well, you know what I want to do now that I've finished my course," she continued, holding up her hand to stop me from interrupting. "And I know you don't want me doing anything until the baby is born, but what if I reached out to Mandy?"

  "The girl Derek attacked?" I said, surprised.

  "I'm sure she is going through hell and at the very least, talking to her might help me move on," she added.

  How could I argue with that? How could I say no to anything that might help really put the past behind her?

  "Okay," I agreed. Emma gawked at me in surprise. I chuckled, she'd obviously been expecting more of a fight. Grinning, she leaned over and hugged me.

  "How long ‘til dinner?" she asked, her hands slipping under my shirt and onto my bare skin. Her touch instantly aroused me, as it always did. I glanced down at her and noted the gleam in her eyes. I didn't need to ask her what she was thinking, I could tell by the way her hand was moving toward my groin. I positioned myself over her careful not to put pressure on her stomach. My mouth found hers, tasting her sweet, soft lips, the faint scent of strawberry lip gloss hitting my senses as she dragged me under her spell.

  My kiss intensified as she moaned softly. I unzipped my pants, already erect. She reached for me, her touch sending me into overdrive. God, she drove me crazy. I'd never felt such a connection so intense with anyone.

  My hands roamed over her body, finally resting on her breasts. They had grown with her pregnancy and like any red blooded guy, I wasn't complaining. I ran my hands down to her rounded hips and thrust myself inside of her. She gasped as I gripped her ass, forcing myself deeper inside of her. I groaned as my orgasm heightened. She was so damn tight, her muscles gripping hold of me like a vice.

  “Fuck, Em. You're so amazing,” I groaned, nearly collapsing on top of her. She smiled, her cheeks flushed with red and her eyes glowing. She opened her mouth to speak and the doorbell sounded. Rolling my eyes, I reluctantly eased myself off her.

  “Typical,” I grumbled, not at all happy, that our moment was interrupted. Emma laughed, enjoying my frustration.

  “To be honest, I'm starving,” she said, grinning wickedly. She slid off the sofa with ease. “You get the door, I will get us some drinks.”

  Sighing, I went to collect our order. After I had paid and tipped the delivery boy, I carried our food into the living room.

  “Smells nice Em, hurry up,” I called out to her. Sitting on the floor, I began to unpack the bag. Emma walked in carrying a soda for me and a glass of juice for her. I handed her the chicken and a pair of chopsticks. I shook my head as she tried to eat. She was hopeless with chopsticks, yet insistent that she could only eat Chinese with them. Why, I don't know, it was one of the many things that made her who she was and what drew me to her.

  “How is it?” I asked, enjoying my chili beef stir-fry.

  In the rush that was my day, this was the first I'd eaten. That was happening a lot lately, the whole having no time to do anything. As much as I hated leaving Em alone so long every day, I couldn't just up and leave. If I did that, I wouldn't have a new job to go to. I was still on thin ice with the department over the student/teacher thing with Em, so I didn't have the luxury of leaving without any notice.

  “Really good. I'm so glad this town has a few nice places to eat,” she said, her hand covering her full mouth. I laughed, getting the joke instantly. It was hardly fine dining.

  Chenny Changs had been the home of Emma's first meal out, in almost ten years. It was the day I’d convinced Em to come and see the house we had put a deposit on. She had been so excited about the house that somehow she had said yes to stopping at the deserted Chinese restaurant. The food wasn’t fantastic, but Chenny Changs now held a very special place in both our hearts. One thing I was trying to do was get out in the community a little more. More than anything I wanted us to have a life here and that included making friends and joining clubs.

  Claire lived less than five minutes away and while she and Emma until recently I thought they got along pretty well. I wasn't blind to the fact that Em sometimes felt uncomfortable with how close I was with my ex-wife. I understood her insecurities but at the same time I appreciated that I had such a civil relationship with Claire for Maddie's sake. I also loved the fact that Maddie lived so close to me now and that anytime I wanted to see my little girl, I could.

  That was a luxury I hadn't always had.

  Emma grimaced next to me. Glancing her way, I watched her closely for a moment.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, ready to spring into action, though not entirely sure what I would do if there was a problem. It worried me and if something did go wrong, I hoped to god I wouldn't freeze.

  “Yeah, just a cramp,” she smiled. Behind the smile I could see the worry. I knew every cramp, every ache and every pain scared the hell out of her. She thought she hid it well, but I knew that she worried about everything, to the point where she worried about worrying. Not that I ever let her know that I knew. If it were easier for her to think I didn’t notice, then I’d pretend I didn’t notice.

  “Do you want me to run you a bath?” From the way her eyes lit up, I knew the answer was yes.

  “That would be awesome.” She grinned as I made my way toward our bedroom. “Then maybe we can have an early night?” she said hopefully. I cocked my head and rolled my eyes. As if I could refuse her anything.

  “That sounds perfect, honey.” And it did. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my night than in bed with her curled up in my arms.

  Chapter Five

  Simon

  Washing up after dinner while Emma was in the bath, my phone rang. Glancing at it I saw it was Claire. I quickly dried my hands. I smiled knowing I was about to speak to Maddie

  “Hey,” I said, throwing the dishcloth in the sink.

  “Hi Simon. How are you guys?” Claire asked, in her usual friendly manner.

  “Good, tired, but well. She had a check-up today and all is going really well,” I said, wondering if I could have squeezed a few more ‘wells’ in that sentence.

  “That's great news,” she said, sounding genuinely pleased. My relationship breakdown with Claire had been difficult. After issues with my family, I'd withdrawn from Claire. We had been fighting all the time, never seeing each other and then she began sleeping with my best friend, Jason. We agreed divorce was the best thing for us and for Maddie.

  A smooth transition for Maddie was the only thing on my mind back in those days and it was for that reason I'd forgiven both Claire and Jason. They stayed together for a few months, then split. Jason ended up moving overseas and Claire and I gradually repaired our friendship. The boundaries of our friendship had been very clear, with both of us wanting the best for Maddie and that meant keeping things clean. Only once had that line been crossed, shortly before I met Em. It had been one night and we both agreed it had been a mistake. It had taken a lot for me to get over my feelings for Claire and that night had left me confused.

  Meeting Em had changed everything and I knew Claire was happy for me. She loved Em and she knew how much I loved her. Besides, I knew Claire well enough to know she’d never mess with that.

  “It is, things are going well. I just hope it's not too well, you know?” I added quietly, not wanting to risk Em overhearing.

  “Don't think about that, Simon. Things are going well, enjoy that. Anyway, Maddie wanted to say goodnight. Say hi to Emma for me,” she added.

  “Claire,” I said hastily, catching her before she gave the phone over to Maddie.

  “Yes?”

  “Could you do me a favor and drop in on Em tomorrow? I hate that she is alone all day. I worr
y about her.”

  Claire hesitated. “Sure. I'll drop in before lunch. Are you going to tell her you asked me?” she asked curiously.

  “No,” I said, making a face. Emma would freak out if she knew I was asking Claire to keep an eye on her. “Maybe bring Maddie around or something? So it doesn’t look weird?”

  “Okay,” she answered, “hold on for a second.” I listened to the muffled sound of the phone being handed over.

  “Daddy?” A little voice asked, her voice full of hope.

  “Hey honey. How's my little girl?” I smiled, my heart aching for not having seen her in over a week. This job change really couldn't come soon enough.

  “I'm good, daddy. Do you know what I did today?” she asked, her little voice dripping with excitement. “I patted a snake! A big one too and I wasn't even scared!”

  “Really? That’s pretty exciting. Where did you see this snake?” I asked.

  “At pre-school. They bought snakes and lizards and even a spider!” she cried. A spider? To a group of four year olds? Maybe I was losing touch with the world.

  “I'm glad you had a good day, I can't wait to see you on Saturday, honey. We're going to go fishing,” I added. I braced myself for the squeals that would follow, knowing how much Maddie loved fishing. My fishing trips weren't very successful with Maddie around though, because every fish I caught she made me throw back.

  “Really?” she screamed, giggling.

  Maybe telling her this right before bed was not my smartest move. I was glad she was with Claire and not me.

  “Ooh daddy, I can't wait,” she squealed.

  “You be a good girl and do what mommy says, okay? I'll see you Saturday sweetie. Love you.”

  “Love you too, daddy.”

  Chapter Six

  Emma

  The bath idea was a damn good one and after almost half an hour soaking, I finally dragged myself out of the tub. At seven months pregnant, the image of me hauling myself over the edge of the tub wasn't pretty. Neither were the extensive stretch marks around my stomach or my swollen ankles. And don’t even get me started on my saggy boobs.