by Beth Michele
I blinked to find Drew standing in front of me again, his hand outstretched, gaze hopeful. So much life staring back at me. And here it was for the taking. All I had to do was reach out and grab it. As if I was on the edge of that cliff all over again—just what I asked for—and now it was truly up to me.
Did I really want that? And if I did, this was my opportunity to embrace it. To finally put my money where my mouth was.
The fear was so thick I could taste it. Nonetheless, I steeled myself with a big breath and placed my palm in Drew’s warm hand. A shiver traveled up my arm and spread to the back of my neck. His lips cracked into a pleased grin and he nearly dragged me into the line.
I couldn’t say in all honesty that I was any good at doing the hula. But I could say I don’t remember ever laughing that much, where I had to clutch my stomach to prevent from doubling over. Or having a permanent smile stretching my cheeks so wide they hurt. Drew’s expression as he watched me made me feel like I could fly. Delight mixed with something behind his eyes I couldn’t place. Whatever it was, I wanted more of it.
We were both delirious by the time we sat down. Our laughter was loud and endless, and at first glance you might have thought we were drunk. And I was drunk—on Drew.
“I wish you could’ve seen your face.” Drew was still laughing so hard he could barely eek out the words. “You were… so fucking funny out there… and so brave. I’m proud of you,” he added, his laughter subsiding. “I know how difficult that was for you.”
With my own laughter dissipating, I couldn’t hide behind it. “Somehow you make it easy,” I admitted, and he responded with a shy smile like a child receiving a rare compliment. He deserved many, many more.
His eyes drifted back and forth between mine. “I have another question.”
“Shoot.”
“If you could be anywhere in the world, where would you want to be?”
My breathing picked up. The question was a loaded one and my tongue tripped over my teeth attempting to push the words out. They were right there on the edge of my lips. I tried to swallow them back down, but they didn’t want to go that way. They wanted to come out. And so I let them.
“Right here… with you.”
It was the truest I’d been about my feelings since we arrived. But this was a no-win situation for me. Reality hit with the strength of a tidal wave and my chest burned. I no longer wanted to be Drew’s friend. I wanted to be so much more.
We exchanged glances. But Drew was too quiet, his expression unreadable. Meanwhile, emotion clawed at my chest and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to hold it back. A lump rose in my throat, the words trapped behind it. I didn’t want to admit them. Not because I thought Drew would judge me. Because I knew he wouldn’t. But I didn’t want to lose him. I wanted to keep him in my pocket, hold tight to his light and his spirit. Maybe if I didn’t say them out loud I could prolong this crazy fantasy, continue thinking that this could lead to something.
But that wasn’t fair to him.
“Sam, what is it?”
I stood, almost knocking the chair over in my haste. My fingers gravitated to my wrist and I tried to garner strength by pulling at the leather. “I’ve really enjoyed the time we’ve spent together,” I began, but it sounded like something was caught in my throat. So I cleared it and started again. “You’re… a really great guy, Drew. And… I like you.” His lips curled and my heart set sail. Which is why I knew this was the right thing to do. I had to end this.
“I like you too, Sam.”
I shook my head, letting out a weighted breath. “No. You don’t understand. I like you… a lot.” His smile grew and it made my next words harder. “But I haven’t been honest with you. I…” The confusion on his face prompted me to push past the fear stabbing at the back of my neck. He deserved the truth. “I didn’t get ditched at the altar by a woman. I got left by another guy.” He sucked in a sharp breath, but I pressed on. “I’m gay, Drew, and I’m… attracted to you.” I pointed a finger back and forth between us. “So whatever this is, it’s not going to work. I can’t do this anymore.”
Surprise widened his eyes and he opened his mouth to speak. But just as I expected, there was nothing to say. And so this time, without another word, it was me who walked away. Unable to bear the disappointment. Or tolerate the way my heart was cracking in half. Again.
Numbness.
That’s what I needed—and I’d take it any way I could get it.
FOR OVER AN hour, I wandered the grounds of the hotel, unable to shake the image of Drew’s face from my mind. He probably hated me now and I couldn’t blame him. Lying about who I was—pretending to be straight when I was anything but—I deserved whatever I had coming to me. Although never seeing him again seemed like punishment enough.
I’d done it before. Not coming out to certain people. But those were people I felt threatened by, who wouldn’t understand. The world wasn’t always ready or accepting. But this was Drew.
With my head down, I shuffled into the lobby and went straight to the bank of elevators. Nothing made sense anymore. What initially brought me to this island was no longer the reason for my loneliness. Couldn’t begin to compare with the emptiness filling me now, vast and sprawling throughout my body. Part of me wanted to get drunk. Needing to forget any of this ever happened. The other part wanted to get on the first flight out tomorrow. But Drew was still here, and I didn’t want to be that far away from him.
Regret over laying it out there pooled in my gut. But I couldn’t pretend anymore. It was exhausting, and I’d never been very good at it. Still, the thought of not seeing Drew smile or hearing his deep laugh made my stomach sink to the floor.
The ding of the elevator woke me from my daze. Deflated, I stepped on and plastered my back against the far wall, not wanting to be bothered. A few people got on and off before the car stopped on my floor and the doors opened. Unable to pull any enthusiasm from my limp limbs, my feet practically dragged my body along. Funny how just hours ago I was dancing. Invincible. But that person had disappeared—and I had no one to blame but myself.
Someone shot me a greeting as I walked down the hall, but I had no energy to return it. Still keeping my head low, I rounded the corner to my room and stumbled back when my eyes found Drew slumped against the door. His knees were drawn up close to his body, head buried in his bent arms. A flutter started up in my chest, but I did some burying of my own. The reminder of events earlier this evening made it die out quickly.
“Drew?”
His head lifted, and I almost didn’t recognize him. All the color was washed from his face. Red rimmed the corners of his eyes. Chunks of hair stuck out as if he’d been pulling at it. My throat grew tight with unshed emotion, but I did everything in my power to swallow past it.
I had no choice.
Drew jumped up and pounced, catching me off guard and almost knocking me to the carpet. He wrapped himself around me like a vine and let out a shaky exhale, hugging me so hard I had difficulty breathing. But he was here, and his arms were around me. It was all I could process at this point.
His voice was unsteady as he pressed into my chest. “Jesus Christ. I thought you left.”
Overwhelmed with, I didn’t know what, I had no response except to slide my arms around his waist and hold him to me. He wasn’t mad. Or at least, he certainly didn’t seem mad. He seemed relieved, and my own relief whirred through me like a gale wind, making me grasp onto him even tighter.
“Let’s go inside,” I finally said, and he nodded against me. When he pulled away, his expression was more evidence this had affected him just as much as it did me.
My hand trembled as I removed the card key from my wallet. It took two tries before the lock clicked. A shaky exhale left my chest and I pushed open the door, tossing my wallet onto the table. Confusion was making my head spin and I needed to sit down. I found a spot at the edge of the bed and waited on Drew. He was leaning against the closed door, his head tipped back, arms pinned to
his sides. His chest was rising and falling at a rapid pace, and I had to know what was going on inside his head.
“I didn’t expect to see you again. After… well, after what I told you.”
His head fell forward, gaze colliding with mine. Pain creased the corners of his eyes and mouth. “And I couldn’t not see you.” He reached up to tug at the necklace I’d given him, moving it between his fingers. Too much was happening behind his eyes, and the way he stared at me made my heart speed up.
I fisted my hands in my lap and inhaled a deep breath. “Why, Drew?”
His gaze clouded, hand lifted from his neck to scrape over the scar along his temple. The hair on my arms prickled. Nothing about this added up and I needed the missing piece.
My jaw tensed, but I struggled through it. “Why did your father hurt you?”
A strangled noise bubbled up from his throat, yet he still wouldn’t look at me. My back stiffened and a bout of nausea tumbled through my insides—a little voice telling me his father had hurt him more than once.
He straightened his spine. “I admitted who I was. Who I’d always been. He knew it too, he just refused to face it. He thought if I didn’t say it out loud, it wasn’t true. Like somehow he could change me. He’d always wanted to erase me from his life anyway. But I wasn’t about to go down without a fight. And I would never fucking change for him or anyone else.”
My heart banged against my ribs. Something in his words resonated with me. Tearing away at the doubt and completing the puzzle. It felt as if a thick layer of paste coated my throat, and my next words. “What did you tell him?”
His eyes locked on mine. “I told him…” He paused, swallowing hard. “I told him… throwing his own vile words in his face, that I was a ‘fucking…’” Drew winced, like he couldn’t bear to complete his thought. “I… admitted I was gay, and I didn’t give a shit.” He pushed back his shoulders and released a breath. “I am gay. And I’m so fucking attracted to you, Sam.”
My legs ate up the distance between us and I stood before him for a full minute before managing to speak. “What did you just say?”
He smiled. “You heard me.”
“Say it again.”
Although I was a few inches taller, he suddenly towered over me. “I’m attracted to you, S—”
I grabbed Drew’s face and crashed our lips together, his surprise registering on a sharp inhale before he returned my kiss full force. He gripped my cheeks, calloused fingertips pressing into my skin as his tongue licked its way inside my mouth. Already, I loved the feel of him. Lips firm, yet soft. Tongue, warm and wet. He explored me with a slow precision that traveled deep to my core. His irresistible smell. That persistent touch. He tasted like sunshine and life—and Drew.
My Drew.
Fireworks shot off inside my body and suddenly I was a live wire, pinning him against the door with my hips. Hungry for more. But then I smiled into the kiss, equal parts relief and joy coursing through me that couldn’t be denied. I pulled back an inch, my palm caressing his cheek. “Those might just be four of the sweetest words I’ve ever heard.”
His grin appeared, the one that I loved. “Would’ve been five but you didn’t let me fucking finish.”
I’M NOT SURE I’d ever been so fucking happy in my entire life. Because this guy… this quirky, caring, and loving human being… wanted me. And even though I came with a shit fuck of baggage he wasn’t aware of yet, none of that seemed to matter.
I didn’t think it was possible to feel any higher than during our full-on hysterics at the luau. But fuck, was I wrong. His warm hand against my cheek was like a balm. He made me forget all the misery and focus on this—whatever this was between us—that was the start of something pretty fucking wonderful.
Sam looked at me like he could see into my soul. Past the veil of confidence I wore proudly. Deep down to all my insecurities. I’d never been able to let go and drop my guard before. But something about Sam made me feel safe. I wasn’t worried he would shame me for being vulnerable—like I’d been shamed my whole life by someone who was supposed to love me.
I heard how heavy my breathing sounded, but I wasn’t embarrassed. “Touch me, Sam.”
He grinned. “I am touching you.”
“More.”
When the pressure of his body lifted from mine, I expected his hand to slip under the waistband of my shorts. My pulse sped up as I waited. Anticipated it. Instead, he stole my breath, bringing his other hand up to cup my cheek. His thumb moved back and forth along my jawline while his gaze roamed over my brow, my cheeks, my lips. Goose bumps prickled my skin as his rich brown eyes held me in their grip. It had been so long and I…
“Sam…”
He placed a finger to my lips. “Shh. Let me look at you.”
Emotion clogged my throat and left it raw. Years of ridicule and abuse melted away. Sam traced his thumb along the length of my scar then leaned in and pressed his lips to it. The gesture was so tender that my knees weakened and my heart hammered in my chest.
“You’re really beautiful. Has anyone ever told you that before?”
I shook my head. Heat flushed my cheeks and I needed to escape. But Sam wouldn’t let me. He kissed the corner of my mouth then dropped his forehead to mine. “Good, then I can be the first. You’re beautiful, Drew.” His warm breath gusted over my skin. “Every part of you. God,” he whispered, “I was so scared… that you’d want nothing to do with me… that I’d never see you again.”
“Not a chance,” I countered, blown away by his affection. “I’m usually so good at being able to pick up on what other people are feeling. But in this case, I didn’t have a fucking clue.”
“I hope not.” His nose circled mine. “Or that was a serious brand of torture having me put sunscreen on your back.”
At the memory of his hands on me, I groaned. “That felt so fucking good.”
He leaned away, one eyebrow quirked. Looking sexy as all fucking hell. “There’s more where that came from.”
My dick knew because I was already hard. But my MO for fucking guys blasted into the forefront of my mind. The timing blew. As much as I wanted to fuck Sam in every way imaginable, I refused to let that be our beginning. This had to be different. Fuck. I wanted him. But I couldn’t let it be like all the others. “There’s something I want to do with you.”
Clearly we were on two very different planes of thought. He edged closer. “What’s that?”
“It might sound strange.”
He jerked his head back. “Stranger than needing your silverware to be positioned a certain way on your plate, or organizing your shirts by whether they have collars or not?”
I chuckled. “No, not that strange.”
He smiled, an expectant look on his face. “Then?”
My eyes lowered to his shirt. “I want to take a walk on the beach with you. And… I want to hold your hand.”
He placed a finger under my chin and tilted my head up, forcing me to meet his warm gaze. “I’d really like that.”
THERE WAS ONLY a subtle breeze by the ocean tonight, but with Sam’s hand in mine I felt light—as if I might blow away. In such a short time, I’d grown attached to him—and I never attached myself to anyone. Never trusted anyone with my heart. With my body, sure. Because that was easy. It sounded so fucking backward, and in many ways it was. But I had years of practice becoming numb, turning my feelings off. For a long time, I needed to make sure there were no cracks in my armor, no way for my father to get in and ruin me any more than he already had.
“Do you want to tell me about him? Your father?” Sam clarified, as if he could read my thoughts. His tone was gentle, never invasive or probing. I gulped a breath of the night air and let the words spill out, needing them gone.
“My father. My father was a grade A asshole. He was more like a fixture than a father.” I glanced over at him. “He was there, but he wasn’t, you know?” Sam shook his head like he didn’t understand, but his eyes transfixed on mine told
me he wanted to.
“He never liked me or even fucking acknowledged me for that matter. I don’t know, I think… my being born fucked up whatever life he thought he was going to have. And he certainly made sure I knew it. He didn’t like my friends, the choices I made, he was jealous of how close I was with my mother. And me being gay, in his twisted mind, was just another reason in the already long list of reasons for him to hate me.”
I stared at the long stretch of beach in front of us. “And… he held it together under pretense when my mother was around. But when it was just the two of us, he never held back. And… when she died, all bets were off.”
Sam tightened his fingers around mine, his gaze heavy on the side of my face. “He hurt you more than once.” There was no lift in his voice. This definitely wasn’t a question.
“Yes,” I admitted, and I heard his jagged inhalation of breath. “He pushed me around, hit me several times. Threatened me if I ever told my mother or Joe. It escalated after my mom died. But he was smart. Careful, you know? Made sure it was always in places that couldn’t readily be seen by others, and besides the scar on my head, nothing that ever left a lasting mark—”
“Jesus, Drew. Of course it did.” There was venom in his tone, something I hadn’t heard from him before. His fierce protectiveness warmed the part of me that had always been cold, that had always shied away from sharing this piece of myself. “He had a responsibility to you. To love you and care for you, no matter what. And he failed you.” My jaw clenched, fingers balling into a fist at my side. Sam must’ve sensed my agitation because he switched topics—to my favorite one. “What about your Mom?”