Arabian Nights

by Richard Burton

  Upon hearing this, he smiled, and the people came around him, torches in hand, while the gobbo bridegroom was left sitting alone like a tailless baboon. Indeed, every time they lit a candle for him, it went out willy-nilly. So he was left in darkness and silence and could see nothing but himself. When Badar al-Din saw the bridegroom sitting alone in the dark and all the wedding guests with their torches and candles crowding around himself, he was bewildered, but he also rejoiced and felt an inner delight. He longed to greet the bride and gazed intently at her face, which was radiant with light. Then her attendants took off her veil and displayed her in the first bridal dress, which was made of scarlet satin. As Hasan looked at her, his eyes were dazzled, and his wits, dazed. She moved to and fro, swaying with graceful gait, and she turned the heads of all the guests, women as well as men. Then her attendants changed that dress and displayed her in a robe of azure. When she reappeared, it was like the full moon when it rises over the horizon. Her hair was coal-black; her cheeks, delicately fair; and her white teeth showed through her sweet smiles as her firm breasts rose and crowned her most soft sides and round waist. Next they changed her garments for some other dress. Veiling her face in her lush hair, they loosened her lovelocks that were so dark and long that their darkness and length outdid the darkest nights. After that her attendants displayed her in the fourth bridal dress, and she came forward shining like the rising sun and swayed to and fro with lovely grace and supple ease like a gazelle. And she struck all hearts with the arrows of her eyelashes. In her fifth dress she appeared as the very light of loveliness, like a wand of waving willow. Her locks which hung like scorpions along her cheeks were curled, and her neck was bowed in blandishment, and her lips quivered as she walked. Following this dress her attendants adorned her with a green one, and she shamed the brown spear in her slender straightness. Her radiant face dimmed the brightest beams of the full moon, and she outdid the bending branches in gentle movement and flexile grace. Her loveliness exalted the beauties of the earth’s four quarters, and she broke men’s hearts with her remarkable appearance. Finally, her attendants displayed her in the seventh dress with a color between safflower and saffron. Thus they showed the bride in her seven dresses before Badar al-Din, completely neglecting the gobbo, who sat moping alone. And when she opened her eyes, she said, “Oh Allah, make this man my bridegroom, and deliver me from the evil of this hunchbacked groom.”

  As soon as this part of the ceremony had come to an end, the wedding guests were dismissed, and everyone left with the exception of Hasan and the hunchback. Meanwhile the servants led the bride into an inner room to change her garb and get her ready for the bridegroom. Thereupon, the hunchback came up to Badar al-Din Hasan and said, “My lord, you have cheered us tonight with your good company and overwhelmed us with your kindness and courtesy, but now it’s time to go.”

  “In Allah’s name,” he replied, “so be it!”

  He rose and went to the door, where he was met by the jinnee, who said, “Stay right here, Badar al-Din, and when the hunchback leaves to go to the toilet, you’re to go immediately to the alcove and sit down. When the bride comes, you’re to say to her, ‘It’s me who is your husband, for the king devised this trick because he was afraid of the evil eye, and he whom you saw is only a syce, a groom, one of our stablemen.’ Then walk boldly up to her and unveil her face.”

  While Hasan was still talking with the ifrit, the groom suddenly left the hall and entered the toilet, where he sat down on the stool. No sooner had he done this than the jinnee came out of the water tank in the form of a mouse and began to squeak.

  “What’s the matter with you?” asked the hunchback.

  But the mouse grew until it became a pitch-black cat and let forth a “Meow! Meow!” Then it grew more and more until it became a dog and barked, “Bow-wow! Bow-wow!”

  When the hunchback saw this, he became frightened and exclaimed, “Get out of here, you evil spirit!”

  But the dog grew and swelled until it became an ass that brayed and snorted in his face, “Heehaw! Heehaw!”

  Thereupon the hunchback quaked and cried, “Help! People, help!”

  But the ass grew and became as big as a buffalo and wailed and spoke with the voice of the sons of Adam, “Woe to you, you hunchback, you stinkard, you filthiest of grooms!”

  Upon hearing this, the groom was seized with a colic, and he sat down on the toilet bowl in his clothes with his teeth chattering.

  “Is the world so tiny,” asked the ifrit, “that the only person you can find to marry is my lady love?” Since the hunchback did not respond, the jinnee continued, “Answer me, or you’ll become dust!”

  “By Allah,” said the gobbo, “Oh King of the Buffaloes, this is not my fault! They forced me to wed her, and honestly I didn’t know that she had a lover among the buffaloes. So now I repent, first before Allah and then before you.”

  “I swear to you,” said the jinnee, “that if you leave this place or utter a word before sunrise, I’ll surely wring your neck. When the sun rises, I want you to go your way and never return to this house again.” After saying this, the ifrit took the gobbo and set him head downward and feet upward in the slit of the privy. Then he declared, “I’m going to leave you here, but I’ll be on the lookout for you until sunrise, and if you stir before then, I’ll grab you by the feet and bash out your brains against the wall. So watch out for your life!”

  In the meantime, Badar al-Din had made his way to the alcove and was sitting there when the bride came in. She was attended by a very old woman, who stood at the door and said, “My lord, arise and take what God has given to you.”

  Then the old woman went away, and the bride, Sitt al-Husan, otherwise called the Lady of Beauty, entered the inner part of the alcove brokenhearted and saying to herself, “By Allah, I’ll never abandon myself to him. No, not even if he were to take my life!” But as she came to the far end of the alcove, she saw Badar al-Din Hasan, and she said, “My dear, are you still sitting here? By Allah, I had been wishing that you were my bridegroom, or at very least, that you and the hunchbacked horse groom were partners and shared me.”

  “Oh beautiful lady,” he replied, “why should the syce have you, and why should he share you?”

  “Who is my husband, you or he?”

  “Sitt al-Husan,” he answered, “we have not done this for mere fun, but only as a trick to ward off the evil eye. You see, when the attendants, singers, and wedding guests saw your beauty being displayed to me, they became afraid of fascination, and your father hired the horse groom for ten dinars to take the evil eye off us. And now the hunchback has received his pay, he has gone his way.”

  When the Lady of Beauty heard these words, she smiled and laughed pleasantly. Then she whispered to him, “By Allah, you have quenched a fire that was torturing me, and now, my dark-haired darling, take me to you and press me against your chest.” Then she stripped off her outer garment, and she threw open her chemise from the neck downward and showed her womb and the rondure of her hips. When Badar al-Din saw this glorious sight, his desires were aroused, and he got up, took off his clothes, wrapped the purse of gold that contained the thousand dinars from the Jew in his bag trousers, and laid them under the edge of the bed. Then he took off his turban, placed it on top of his clothes, and had nothing on except his skullcap and fine shirt of blue silk laced with gold. Thereupon, the Lady of Beauty embraced him, and he took her into his arms, set her legs around his waist, and aimed his cannon point-blank at the spot where it would batter down the bulwark of maidenhead and lay it to waste. And he found her a pearl unpierced and a filly unridden by men except himself. So he took her virginity and enjoyed her youth in his virility, and soon he withdrew sword from sheath. Then he returned to the fray right away, and when the battle and the siege were finished, there had been some fifteen assaults, and she conceived through him that very night. Afterward he placed his hand under her head, and she did the same, and they embraced and fell asleep in each other’s arms.
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  As soon as the jinnee saw the two asleep, he said to the jinniyah, “Arise and slip under the youth, and let us carry him back to his place before dawn overtakes us, for day is near.”

  So she came forward and, after getting under him as he lay asleep, she lifted him, clad only in his fine blue shirt, and left the other garments under the bed. Once they were in the air, the jinnee joined them, and they kept flying until they realized that dawn was upon them, and they had only reached the halfway mark. Then Allah had his angelic host shoot the jinnee down with a shooting star, and he was consumed. But the jinniyah managed to escape, and she descended with Badar al-Din to the place where the jinnee was burned. After seeing what had happened to the jinnee, she decided not to carry Badar back to Bassorah, fearing that he might come to some harm.

  Now, by the order of Him who determines all things, they arrived at Damascus in Syria, and the jinniyah set her burden down at one of the city gates and flew away. When the gates were opened, the people came forth and saw a handsome youth with no other clothes but his blue shirt of gold-embroidered silk and skullcap. He was lying on the ground drowned in sleep after his hard labor that night. So the people looked at him and said, “Oh lucky her who has spent the night with this young man! But he should have put on his garments afterward.”

  “They’re a sorry lot, those sons of great families!” someone said. “Most likely he came out of a tavern and the wine went to his head. So he probably forgot where he was heading and strayed until he came to the gate of the city. Finding it shut, he lay down and went to bye-bye land!”

  While the people were bandying guesses about him, the morning breeze suddenly blew upon Badar al-Din, and raising his shirt to his middle, it revealed a stomach and navel with something below it. His legs and thighs were as clear as crystal and smooth as cream, and the people cried, “By Allah, he’s a pretty fellow!”

  And as they cried out, Badar al-Din awoke and found himself lying at a city gate with a crowd gathered around him. Of course, he was greatly surprised by this and asked, “Where am I, good people? Why have you gathered around me?”

  “We found you lying here asleep during the call to dawn prayer,” they said, “and this is all we know. But where did you spend last night?”

  “By Allah, good people,” he replied, “I spent last night in Cairo.”

  “You’ve surely been eating hashish,” said somebody.

  “He’s a fool,” said another.

  “He’s a fathead,” a third commented.

  And a fourth asked him, “Are you out of your mind? How can you spend the night in Cairo and wake in the morning at the gate of Damascus?”

  “By Allah, my good people,” Hasan cried, “I’m not lying to you. Truthfully, I spent last night in Cairo, and before that, yesterday afternoon, I was in Bassorah.”

  “Well, well,” remarked someone.

  “Ho! Ho!” commented another.

  “So! So!” said a third.

  And a fourth exclaimed, “This young man is possessed by the jinnees!”

  So they clapped their hands at him and said to one another, “Alas, such a pity, for he’s so young. By Allah, he’s a madman, and madness has no respect of anyone, no matter who the person is!”

  Then they said to him, “Collect yourself, and be sensible! How could you have been in Bassorah yesterday and in Cairo last night, and wake up in Damascus this morning?”

  But he persisted, “Indeed, I was a bridegroom in Cairo last night.”

  “Perhaps you were dreaming and saw all this in your sleep,” they replied.

  So Hasan pondered this for a while and said, “By Allah, this was no dream. Nor does it seem to have been a vision. I’m certain I was in Cairo. They displayed the bride before me in the presence of a third person, the hunchback groom, who was sitting nearby. By Allah, my brothers, this was not a dream, and if it were a dream, where is the bag of gold I was carrying with me, and where are my turban, my robe, and my trousers?”

  Then he rose and entered the city meandering through the streets and bazaar, while the people followed him and jeered at him, “Madman! Madman!” until he was beside himself with rage and took refuge in a cook’s shop. Now this cook was one of those who had been a trifle too cunning in his youth, that is, he was a rogue and a thief, but Allah had made him repent and turn from his evil ways. This is why he had opened a shop, and all the people of Damascus lived in fear of him because he could still be bold and mischievous. Consequently, when the crowd saw the youth enter his shop, they became afraid and went their ways. The cook looked at Badar al-Din, and, noting how handsome he was, he immediately took a great liking to him and asked, “Where have you come from, young man? Tell me your tale at once.”

  So Hasan told him all that had happened to him from beginning to end, and the cook said, “You undoubtedly realize how marvelous your story is. Therefore, I advise you to conceal what has happened to you until Allah takes care of the evil forces working against you. In the meantime, since I have no children, I’ll adopt you.”

  “As you wish, uncle,” Badar al-Din replied.

  Accordingly, the cook went to the bazaar and bought a fine suit of clothes for him and made him put it on. Then he brought him to the kazi and formally declared that he was his son. So Badar al-Din Hasan became known in Damascus as the cook’s son, and he stayed there for quite a long time.

  With regard to his cousin, the Lady of Beauty, she awoke in the morning and missed Badar al-Din Hasan, but she thought that he had gone to the privy and expected him to return in an hour or so. However, it was her father, Shams al-Din Mohammed, vizier of Egypt, who came to see her. Now, he was rather upset because of the harsh way that the sultan had treated him by forcing him to marry his daughter to the lowest of the sultan’s menials, who, to boot, was a hunchback. Indeed, he said to himself, “I’ll slay this daughter of mine if she yielded to that lump of a groom of her own free will.” So he went to the door of the bride’s private chamber and said, “Ho! Sitt al-Husan!”

  She answered, “Here I am! Here I am, my lord!” and she came out unsteadily after the pains and pleasures of the night. She kissed her father’s hands, her beautiful face glowing even brighter than usual for having lain in the arms of her cousin. When her father saw her in such condition, he asked, “You should be cursed for rejoicing after having slept with that horse groom!”

  And Sitt al-Husan smiled sweetly and answered, “By Allah, don’t mock me. I had enough of that yesterday when people laughed at me and joined me with that groom fellow, who is not even fit to carry my husband’s shoes or slippers! My lord, never in my life have I spent a night so sweet as last night. So, don’t mock me by reminding me of the gobbo!”

  When her father heard her words, he was filled with anger, and his eyes glared at her so that only the whites showed, and he cried, “Shame upon you! What are you saying? It was the hunchbacked groom who spent the night with you!”

  “By Allah,” replied the Lady of Beauty, “don’t trouble me about the gobbo. May Allah damn his father! And stop jesting with me! You know yourself that this groom was only hired for ten dinars and went his way after taking his wages. As for me, I entered the bridal chamber after the singers had displayed me to my true bridegroom, and I found him sitting there. It was the same young man who had crossed their hands with gold and had turned all the paupers at the wedding into rich people. And I spent the night on the breast of this lovely man, a most lively darling with his black eyes and full eyebrows.”

  When her father heard these words, the light before his face became night, and he cried out, “You whore! What’s this you’re telling me? Where are your brains?”

  “Father,” she responded, “you’re breaking my heart! Why are you being so hard on me? Indeed, my husband, who took my virginity, has just gone to the privy, and I feel that he’s made me pregnant.”

  The vizier was astounded by these words. So he turned from the door and went into the privy, where he found the hunchbacked horse groom wit
h his head in the hole and his heels in the air. Confused by this sight, he said to himself, “Why it’s none other than that rascal the hunchback!” So he called to him, “Ho, hunchback!”

  The hunchback responded with a murmur and gulp, thinking it was the jinnee who was speaking to him. Therefore, the vizier shouted at him and said, “Speak out, or I’ll cut off your head with this sword!”

  “By Allah, oh Sheikh of the Jinnees,” he replied, “ever since you put me in this place, I’ve not lifted my head. So take pity upon me, and treat me kindly!”

  When the vizier heard these words, he asked, “What are you saying? I’m the bride’s father, not a jinnee.”

  “Enough of this! You’ve practically been the death of me!” answered the hunchback. “Get out of here before he finds you here. Couldn’t you have married me to someone else instead of the lady love of buffaloes and the beloved of jinnees? Allah curse her and curse him who married me to her and who has caused me such misery!”

  And Scheherazade noticed that dawn was approaching and stopped telling her story. When the next night arrived, however, she received the king’s permission to continue her tale and said,

  Then the vizier said to him, “Get up and out of this place!”

  “Do you think I’m crazy?” responded the hunchback. “I won’t leave here without the permission of the ifrit, whose last words to me were: ‘When the sun rises, get up and go your way.’ So, has the sun risen or not? I won’t budge from this place if it hasn’t!”

  “Who brought you here?” asked the vizier.

  “I came here last night to answer a call of nature,” said the hunchback, “and suddenly a mouse came out of the water and squeaked at me. The next thing I knew it swelled and grew until it was as big as a buffalo and uttered threats to me that I fully understood! Then he left me here and went away. May Allah curse the bride and him who married me to her!”