The Weight

by Andrew Vachss

  “So?” is all she said.

  “You said you could find this Jessop. That can’t be just because he was on some paper as your husband a long time ago.”

  “What’s your question?” She sounded a lot colder than before, but I didn’t have any choice. So I asked her: “Have you … seen him since you—?”

  “Your whole mind is dirt, huh? No, Sugar, I haven’t ‘seen’ him since he brought me to that meeting. He brought in a piece of poor white trash, a … thing he could do whatever he wanted to with. If I’d just been dumped by the side of a road, I’d have been happy, just knowing I’d never have to see that … filth again. That answer your question?”

  AJ/WT/X, I thought. Abner Jessop, White Trash, maybe? But what was that “X” for? I knew I couldn’t ask her about that; I had work to do. So I only said, “Then how could you know where he is?”

  “Albie’s ledgers. It’s all in there.”

  “You can read them?”

  “Every word.”

  “I didn’t see any addresses. Some phone numbers, maybe, but …”

  “We have to unpack anyway,” she said. Not icy anymore. More like bored. “When we find the ledgers, I’ll show you.”

  By the time we dug out the ledgers, it was late. “It’s not like you need this stuff tonight,” she said. “I’m tired and I’m hungry. I know every take-out spot around here—there’s a lot of them. You probably don’t know how to … ah, never mind, what do I know? Just tell me what you want. Asian, Indian, Mexican? Hamburgers? What?”

  “I’ll eat whatever you bring back.”

  “Thai, then?”

  “Sure.”

  “Wake up.” Rena, kneeling on the carpet so she could whisper in my ear.

  Damn! is all I remember thinking. Nobody should be able to sneak up on me, specially if they had to open a door to do it.

  The food was good. Crisp and clean. She brought so much that there were leftovers, even though we both ate like pigs.

  “We have to let the food settle first,” Rena said. Sitting back in the living room, lighting a cigarette.

  “Sure,” I said, although I didn’t know what she was talking about.

  A few minutes later, she said, “Go take a shower, Sugar.”

  I was standing under the steam when the idea that she might be calling Jessop right that minute hit me.

  I was still thinking about that when she got into the shower with me.

  “Don’t be rough with me,” she said in the bedroom. “It’s been a long, long time.”

  That made me mad, like she had to warn me. “Can’t you do any damn thing without making it some kind of deal?” I said.

  She raised her hand to slap me. I didn’t move.

  Then she was crying and kissing me at the same time. I don’t even know how I ended up inside her.

  “I said don’t be rough, not play dead!” she hissed in my ear. But I could tell she wasn’t mad at all.

  The first time she woke me up that night, she was a little rough herself. The second time, she was just right.

  I don’t mean she was good, like an expert or anything. She was just … right, is the only way I can say it.

  “This is my breakfast specialty.” She was standing in the kitchen, talking over her shoulder at me. “Warmed-over Thai.”

  I didn’t say anything.

  “Trust, remember?”

  “I do,” I told her. She was sitting on the floor with her legs crossed, the ledgers in her lap.

  “I’m not going to ask you why you want to find Jessop.”

  “If you want to know, I’ll tell you.”

  “That isn’t what I meant by trust, Sugar. He doesn’t live in Tallahassee. Or Tampa, either. It’s way east of here, damn near in the middle of the state.”

  “So?”

  “The middle of this state, it’s another world from the coasts. Plus, where he lives, it’s a tiny little town. They probably pay attention to anyone who even stops for gas.”

  “Were you ever there?”

  “Not there, exactly. But in that part of the state? Sure. That’s where I was born.”

  “So you met—?”

  “I was a runaway, Sugar. I hitched a ride and I was gone. I didn’t meet Jessop until I’d been on my own for a few weeks. And that wasn’t so far from here. Tampa’s where he took me.

  “If he hadn’t gotten busted for underage … I didn’t have any fake ID, and I wasn’t even … developed yet, not really. This was before I got the implants. The way the cops explained it to me, if we got married, they’d drop the charges on Jessop. But I’d need my mother’s permission. I never even went back myself. Jessop went over there, paid her the money, and she signed. Like he was buying a used car.”

  The address she got from Albie’s ledger wasn’t the same one the lawyer told me. I figured Albie paid closer attention than any parole officer would. The Law might know where Jessop got his mail, but Albie would know where he lived.

  A lot of good that did me. If Jessop had any sense, he’d stay close to his home base between jobs.

  “He’d see me coming a mile away.”

  “You are difficult to hide,” she said, kind of smiling at me. That’s when I realized I must have said it out loud, instead of just thinking it.

  “So far, nobody’s seen me here, though. Do you think you could go out and get some more food? Enough we don’t have to go out for every meal?”

  “Sure,” she said. I could see from her face that she knew why I wanted her out of there.

  “Wait. Come here for a minute, Rena.”

  “Lynda.”

  “I’ll get it.”

  She came over and dropped into my lap. “You have to get it, Sugar. Before I was Rena, I was someone else. Jessop never put a hand on Rena. And you never have, either. Understand?”

  “Lynda,” I said. And kissed her hair.

  She snuggled against me. I kept thinking about trust. “Do you know this town?” I asked her.

  “I used to know it. Now all I know is what I told you: take-out joints, pharmacies, one mini-mall. I looked them up before we came down here. I even have a little map. But that’s about it.”

  “Damn.”

  “What?”

  “I thought maybe there was a way to get this Jessop here. Not here, here. In Tampa someplace, I meant.”

  “Oh.”

  “Can you sit here and listen?” I said.

  “Of course I can.”

  “No smoking.”

  “Sugar …”

  “You want to smoke, sit over where you were. I still want you to listen.”

  She wiggled in my lap. Not like she was teasing, like she was making up her mind. Then she kind of settled in.

  “Why didn’t you take off the minute Albie was gone?” I asked.

  “I didn’t know I was supposed to do that. I called Solly, and he sent you down empty. Without any will, I mean. How come?”

  “Because he read it.”

  “Oh.”

  “And he wanted Albie’s book.”

  “And he didn’t care if I … Yeah, I get it. I get it now.”

  “I’m supposed to be down here looking for this Jessop. But, really, I’m supposed to get that book.”

  “That was the deal?”

  “That was it. Only, Solly, he didn’t know what was in that partners desk. He probably thought it was a stash of gold. That’s something Solly always was a fanatic about, gold. ‘Jewish Traveler’s Checks’ is what he called it.”

  “How does this help us?”

  “You have to help me first, Lynda. I don’t mean a trade or anything like that. I mean, you and me, we have to help each other. You’re smarter than me about some things; I’m smarter than you about other things. We have to put that together.”

  “That’s what Albie always told me.”

  “I don’t—”

  “Add everything up. Always add everything up. If you do that right, whatever’s missing, that’s what you’re looking for.
”

  “Okay, but—”

  “Sugar, just sit here for a couple of hours. You can think while you’re sitting; I can think while I’m running around stocking us up. When I come back, that’s when we can sit down and do the adding up. Together, okay?”

  “Okay,” I said. I was a little disappointed she hadn’t noticed me calling her Lynda. But then I thought maybe that meant she didn’t think I was dumb.

  I didn’t want to disappoint her, so I really did try and think over everything we had. But all I could really think of was what we didn’t.

  “Let me do it,” she said, when I got up to help her unload the car. “There’s no reason for anyone around here to get a look at you. That’s what the slot in front of each unit is for. Your guests, or if you want to drive right up to the door to off-load stuff.”

  It took her a lot of trips, but not much time—it was only a few steps to the door, and she left it open. She’d bought some real big suitcases, too, but they were empty.

  When she—when Lynda—got back from putting the car away, she closed the door behind her.

  “Hungry?”

  “I guess so.”

  “I thought you guys had to have a ton of calories every day.”

  “You don’t get a ton of calories in prison.”

  “But you still lift weights and all?”

  “If you can. It all depends. And if you have enough money on the books, you don’t have to eat mainline, either. The problem really isn’t calories, it’s getting healthy food.”

  “Well, that’s my specialty. Salads and stuff like that, I mean. What I got was either fresh or frozen. I’m a killer on the microwave, but I’m not touching an oven.”

  “You want me to—?”

  “I want you to sit there like a good boy and let me put some plates together for us.”

  I liked how she put everything away, even the plates and glasses in the dishwasher. Not the way she did it, just that she did it before she had a smoke. Most smokers, they finish eating, they light up.

  “Can we do this, Sugar?”

  “What you said before? Sure, I think we can. We have to try, anyway.”

  That’s when she fired up a cigarette, and said, “Me first. I’m going to say things. Each one, you tell me if I’m right, if I’m wrong, or if you just don’t know, okay?”

  I just nodded.

  “Albie and Solly were like brothers. They go back to before either of us was born.”

  “That’s what Solly said. I don’t know if it’s true.”

  “It was, once, anyway. They each had a book. Those little blue books. And they each had a will.”

  “Solly said that, too.”

  “When Albie … died, I called Solly. He told me he was sending a man down. He said he’d call again, first. I thought you were bringing Albie’s will down with you.”

  “Only, I really came for that little blue book.”

  “I know. But you didn’t say a word about it. That’s why I … acted like I did. I never talk like that now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t remember how to. And I didn’t want to just come out and ask you. About the will, I mean.”

  “I get it.”

  “But you looking for Jessop, that was real?”

  “Now, sitting here, I don’t know anymore, Lynda. All I know for sure is that Solly wanted Albie’s book.”

  “I knew that all along.”

  “You knew? Then why didn’t you just—?”

  “Albie told me not to.”

  “What? You mean, like, some kind of … I don’t know what to call it, but you know what I mean.”

  “A voice from beyond?” She smiled. Sweet and gentle, just like Grace did when I met her. “No. When he told me, I was standing in his den. He was at his desk. He said if he went before Solly I should call Solly. Just tell Solly, then just listen.

  “It used to upset me, him talking like that. But I knew it was just him getting me ready. Albie always used to say, if a train is coming at you, closing your eyes won’t save you … but if you look right at it, you at least have a chance to jump.”

  “He was right about that. That’s me, perfect—I never saw it coming.”

  “What are you—?”

  “I’ll tell you what I am, Lynda. A dope. I didn’t mean to knock you off the track.”

  She took a long, deep drag of her smoke. “Was that a pun?”

  “A what?”

  “Sugar, I swear, you’ve got some kind of mind. Where was I? Ah! I told you what Albie said: the minute he goes, I should call Solly, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Only, what he said was, ‘You just speak once, Rena. Then you listen.’ I remember that like it was engraved in stone. You know what a litmus test is? No? Like the test the cops have: pour some liquid into white powder, shake it up, see if it turns blue?”

  I just nodded at her.

  “If Solly came himself and brought Albie’s will with him, I was supposed to give him Albie’s little blue book. Just hand it over. But if Solly didn’t bring the will, I should never say a word about that book.” She took a long breath in and held it, like she was getting ready to lift a heavy weight. Off herself. “The only problem was that Solly didn’t come himself; he sent you,” she said.

  “I never had the will.”

  “I know. I … checked. So what would Albie want me to do?”

  “Play me so I got Solly to show you the will?”

  “That’s what I thought. And that’s what I was going to do. But it didn’t take long for me to see you’d already been played.”

  “So either Albie never trusted her, or, now, you don’t.” My own words to Solly, ringing in my head. Albie had trusted Rena, all right—it was Solly he didn’t trust.

  “Damn, he was slick,” I said.

  “Who?”

  “Albie. He had it all figured out. That will. Solly telling me he’d have to go see a lawyer, make out a new one. Total bullshit. I bet there never was any will. Not the kind you’d show in court, anyway. Just a list of where stuff was. If Solly went first, this girl, Grace, she was supposed to send his will to you. And she would have done it. She would have mailed it off, without ever looking at it.”

  “You’re that sure? Maybe she—”

  “No. Stop whatever you’re thinking. This Grace, I met her. She couldn’t even tell a lie. She’s like, I don’t know, a saint or something. There is no way Solly was anything to her but ‘Uncle Solly,’ understand?”

  “That’s what you thought, anyway.”

  “Check yourself, girl. You don’t know everything. You think the same thing doesn’t happen to me? Guys stare at your chest, think that’s all you are, the joke’s on them, right? You think people don’t take one look at me and decide I gotta be stupid?

  “Well, you know what? About some things, I’m real smart. And I’m telling you, I know Solly. He’s … superstitious, I guess you’d say. He once told me, if he didn’t take care of Grace, her father, this guy Ken, he’d come back and haunt him. Not ‘Boo!’ like a ghost; like a hit man. Wait a minute … like a golem, is what he said.”

  “A golem, that’s like a devil in human form. Albie told me about them.”

  “See? Grace, she’s like … You know what Down syndrome is?”

  “Sure. It’s when—”

  “So here’s Solly, paying off his debt to Ken because he’s afraid Ken could come back and be this golem thing. That, he believes. And he knows what Ken the golem would do to him if he ever … did anything to his little girl.”

  She stood up. Walked around in a little circle. Stopped in front of me, hands behind her back. “I want to sit in your lap, Sugar.”

  “Yeah? Well, you can’t do it from there.”

  She snuggled in. But it wasn’t like before. “Tell me again. About Albie being so smart, Sugar. I think you might know more about that than me. Really. I won’t say a word until you’re done.”

  I took a deep breath, like I was getting ready to drive a lot of iron. I
let it out slow, no burst. That’s showing you’ve got control of the weight.

  “If Solly showed you whatever Albie left with him, it would have been all about money and property and stuff, Lynda. Probably where a lot of money was stashed, too. But it would have also had that thing about looking in the partners desk.

  “I don’t think the whole bit about the partners desk was in any will, Lynda. You know what I think? What I think now, I mean? I think that whole partners desk thing came in when Albie knew he was going. That’s when he would have told Solly about it. I don’t think there ever was a will. Not from Albie; he wouldn’t want you going near any court. And why would Solly leave one? Dead is dead—what would he care?”

  “But what about all his … property and stuff?”

  “What about it? Solly knew Grace would do whatever he told her to do. He could make sure she had money without any will. He probably did that. But no more.”

  “Solly would tell her to mail his book to Albie?”

  “No. Look, I had to think about this as hard as I ever did, Lynda. About everything. Solly knew Grace, sure. But he didn’t know you. Albie, he must’ve told Solly you were supposed to send him that book. When you didn’t, that’s when Solly knew something was wrong. He was right about that … but he was wrong about you, see? He thought what you wanted was money. When you didn’t send the book to Solly, or even mention it, he figured you were holding it hostage.”

  “Okay, but—”

  I slapped her bottom, real light, so she’d know I wasn’t mad. “You said you’d let me finish,” I told her.

  “I’m sorry.” She sounded like she really meant it.

  “So Solly sends me down to get it from you. When I told him I came up empty, that’s when he played his trump.

  “No way men like Solly and Albie would trust a typewriter. They’d know each other’s writing. Albie knew the only thing Solly could ever tell you about some bullshit ‘will’ without actually showing it to you was that partners desk. Like I told you before; Solly probably thought there was gold or diamonds or something like that in there.

  “So you open that secret compartment in the desk, now you know Solly’s righteous. He just proved it, right? So you hand over that little blue book. If you have it, that is. If you don’t, it’s in that house somewhere. See?”