The World of Karl Pilkington

by Pilkington, Karl

  Steve: Rick, I think when she’s in her twenties, she’s in her old age.

  Karl: Yeah but it doesn’t matter because that’s the fun part of your life, innit, when you’re twenty and you’ve got all your energy and that – so before you die you’re actually having a good life rather than it being the other way round.

  Ricky: But does she do different stuff than she did on the way up? Because she has already lived seventy-eight years don’t forget. She was already a baby once and grew up and then someone stuck a needle in her head and said, ‘Right, back you go.’

  Karl: No … well forget all that bit.

  Ricky: So she died and she doesn’t remember her first life. This is a new life is it?

  Karl: Let me just leave you with this …

  Ricky: You’re talking shit – explain yourself.

  Karl: What I’m saying is – old people are scared of dying. When they’re seventy-seven they’re going, ‘Oh, what’s going to happen to me?’ Little injection in the head; it goes backwards; when it’s a baby everybody is around it going, ‘Yeah, it’s gonna die soon.’ But the baby hasn’t got a clue, it’s happy. It’s playing about with its rattle or whatever, it’s not scared.

  Ricky: So it loses all its memories?

  Karl: That’s it.

  Ricky: And then what happens – when does it die? When it gets to nought? When it’s nought days old?

  Karl: Yeah, it just dies. People know, it’s almost like a countdown. So the family’s aware of it.

  Steve: But aren’t the family getting younger as well? What’s happened to the family?

  Karl: Forget it then. We’ll leave it as it is.

  Ricky: Leave it as it is, shall we?

  Steve: Can we all agree on that now, guys? Shall we leave it as it is?

  Ricky: You’re a fucking maniac.

  ‘And you’ve got the goat going “What am I doing here?”’

  Ricky: Everyone have a nice Christmas? Good presents, Karl?

  Karl: Yeah … yeah.

  Steve: A friend of mine gave the gift of a goat. On behalf of a charity organisation you can give someone else the gift of a goat for an African family. So you say, ‘I’ve bought you “goat,”’ and they say, ‘Oh brilliant where is it?’ and you go, ‘No, it’s going to a family in Africa.’ It’s a sort of good will thing.

  Ricky: So you buy an African family a goat?

  Steve: And it will help them for years. It’s a beautiful idea. But I thought to myself straightaway – knowing Karl’s views on charity and giving – what would his view be?

  Karl: Are they happy with the present over there? Is the African family going, ‘Oh I hope someone gets us a goat for Christmas?’

  Ricky: You’re an idiot. What, you think an African family wakes up and there’s a little goat with a ribbon tied round it and they go, ‘Oh look what Santa brought us.’

  Steve: ‘And that mince pie’s gone and that glass of milk …’

  Ricky: You’re such an idiot.

  Karl: No, no, no, but what I’m saying is, does that family want a goat?

  Steve: Yes.

  Karl: But why?

  Ricky: It’s not that they want a goat, they need a goat. Are they going to say, ‘Oh I wanted a Nintendo?’ What are you thinking?

  Karl: What I’m saying is, right, let me put myself in their shoes …

  Steve: This’ll be a first.

  Karl: … Well, they haven’t got any shoes but say I’m one of them over there, right. I’m hungry, I’m sat there, it’s Christmas Day, I open the present. Little goat there right. Now if I was one of them I’d be going, ‘Not another mouth to feed.’ At the end of the day, there isn’t enough food to go round for themselves, never mind the goat. Don’t they say having a dog is quite expensive, what with all the injections you’ve got to give it? And the tinned food and everything, it mounts up. What I’m saying is, that’s all very well giving them a goat, but who’s looking after it?

  Ricky: Well I’m assuming it’s all above board. The goat’s had its injection. That’s what some of the money goes towards. It’s given to the family so they can milk it and have milk and cheese and whatever. I don’t think it’s a burden. What do you mean, ‘they wake up Christmas Day and open a present’?

  Steve: ‘There’s a goat-shaped thing in wrapping paper, I wonder what that could be. I hope it’s that goat we asked for … My God, it is!’

  Karl: The thing is, why do they want that goat? What’s the main reason? What does a goat give you?

  Both: Milk!

  Karl: Milk, right. Now wouldn’t it be easier to just send them a bottle of milk without all the hassle and headaches that come with it? That’s all I’m saying. And the other thing is, think about the goat. That was happy over here. Suddenly it’s on barren land, no grass …

  Ricky laughs.

  Ricky: I’m gonna burst. What do you mean?

  Steve: They didn’t send a goat from here.

  Karl: I’m saying who’s happy at the end of this? You’ve got a fella over here who hasn’t got a present because his mate bought him a goat. He’s not happy. Then you’ve got the person who’s opened it who wanted summit else. It’s a goat. They go, ‘Tut, who’s going to look after this?’ They’re not happy. And you’ve got the goat, going ‘What am I doing here …?’

  Steve and Ricky are in hysterics.

  ‘Err ...’

  Steve: Karl, if you could have a superpower, like Superman, what would your superpower be?

  Ricky: Can I suggest consciousness? The power of thought?

  Steve: Remember you have already got opposable thumbs. Cross that one off the list. But there are so many others to choose from: telepathy, x-ray vision …

  Ricky: … Flight, invisibility …

  Steve: Choose it wisely.

  Ricky: … Strength, intelligence …

  Karl: But why have I been picked?

  Steve: Oh for God’s sake.

  Karl: No, no, but I’m just saying …

  Steve: It’s just a question.

  Karl: Does anyone else want this, because with that comes a responsibility?

  Steve: With great power does come great responsibility …

  Ricky: So would you like spidey senses? Is that what you’re saying?

  Karl: Err …

  Ricky: Would you like some sense?

  Karl: Err …

  Steve: Come on Karl! You know the sort of powers superheroes have.

  Karl: I know but they’re never happy are they? Spiderman wanted to tell that girl that he could climb walls and that. He’s like, ‘I can’t’. Superman never told Lewis, and that.

  Ricky: Who’s Lewis?

  Steve: Lewis. That was just Superman’s pen pal.

  Karl: You know Hulk. He wasn’t happy.

  Steve: But you’re being allowed to choose the superpower. You don’t have to get it forced upon you, like the Hulk.

  Ricky: Hulk. He wasn’t happy. It’s true. He’s got a point. There’s not many happy superheroes are there?

  Steve: Leaving aside the superheroes you’re already aware of, what superpower would you want? You don’t have to fight crime with it, Karl.

  Ricky: Everyone around the world now is thinking, ‘What will Karl choose?’

  Steve: Let me just remind you of some of the other things available. Invisibility …

  Karl: All the time, though, or could I turn that on and off?

  Steve: Let’s say you could turn that on and off. Would that interest you?

  Karl: Yeah. I’ll have that.

  Steve: Right, okay, and what would you do with this power of invisibility?

  Karl: Just sort of wander about, and that, and just not get seen.

  Ricky: Brilliant choice, and put to such great use. Well done.

  Steve: And why would you want to wander around and not be seen? What would you gain from that?

  Karl: Errr … You could sort of go in shops when they’re shut, so you don’t have to go with the crowds.
/>   Ricky: How would you get in?

  Karl: Just get in, just before they lock up.

  Ricky: Okay. How would you get out?

  Karl: Wait till the morning.

  Ricky: Brilliant.

  Steve: So hang on, that’s your use of invisibility? You’re given the power of invisibility and you want to sneak into a shop, wait for twelve hours, and then buy something?

  Ricky: Oh I love it.

  Steve: Just so that you don’t have to be there with other people?

  Karl: D’you know what, I don’t want it. I don’t want a power.

  Steve: Why not?

  Karl: ’Cos I just don’t think it’ll do me any good. I think it’s more of a hindrance.

  Steve and Ricky laugh.

  ‘The menu is like a book

  now, innit?’

  Steve: Karl, if you had to eat the same dinner every day for the rest of your life, what would you eat?

  Karl: You see it depends, dunnit? I mean I mainly eat just so I keep going. I am not that bothered, I don’t really taste it anyway. I just shove it down.

  Steve: What, like a horse?

  Karl: At what point did it become important that things were sort of seasoned or garnished to go with it and stuff? At the end of the day we’re all eating, aren’t we, so you can move about and that, and you’ve got energy.

  Ricky: But we need to know what we’re tasting don’t we, because we need to have certain things. We need sugar, we need salt. So we need to know what they taste like to know we’re getting them.

  Karl: Now we have got chefs so leave that up to them, to make sure we are getting enough salt.

  Ricky: But I thought you were talking about this from an evolutionary standpoint …

  Steve: Do you think that’s likely?

  Ricky laughs.

  Karl: No, but leave it for them to make sure we are getting safe food. I mean to be honest, it annoys me the way people worry about food now and how there’s so much to choose from. I think it’s got out of hand.

  Steve: Any form of choice really worries you doesn’t it? You don’t like choice.

  Karl: No. Choice is good, but not too much. It’s like with anything now. If you go into a toffee shop, there’s loads of …

  Ricky: Sorry, where are you going to find a toffee shop?

  Steve: So, you’re in a fairy tale …

  Ricky: Yeah, you’re in a Dickens story in the nineteenth century …

  Steve: You’re in Shrek …

  Ricky: … And you go into a toffee shop.

  Steve: What’s your point?

  Karl: What I’m saying is you go into a shop full of toffees …

  Steve: You’ve just come from the candlestick maker…

  Karl: Right, you go in there and there’s just too much choice. I can stand there for up to, like, four minutes sort of going …

  Steve: ‘Up to four minutes’?

  Ricky: So he’s in a toffee shop … in a top hat …

  Steve: But he’s only got four minutes because he has to go down to the pea green boat that he’s sailing off in …

  Karl: Well forget the toffee …

  Steve: So you’d prefer it was just one selection of toffee?

  Karl: Well maybe two. What I’m saying is, right, there is now too much choice. Whenever you get a menu in a restaurant, it’s not like you just go, ‘Oh right, what is there? Yeah I’ll have that.’ There’s too much. The menu is like a book now, innit? And you’ve got to that point now that people are even taking a risk when they’re eating.

  Ricky: What do you mean?

  Karl: Erm … you know in Japan or China or something they are eating that fish that if it’s not cooked right, it can kill you. Not worth the risk, when there’s so many other fish. Like mackerel! Or have a bit of cod or whatever. As soon as there’s a risk, take it off the menu.

  Ricky: Yes I totally agree.

  Karl: Not worth it.

  ‘Things like that always get

  me thinking ...’

  Steve: Karl, you said that your New Year’s resolution was that you were going to learn something every day.

  Karl: Yeah, if I can.

  Steve: Have you learned anything today?

  Karl: Today? Well I don’t know the full facts of it but …

  Ricky: Could I just say that when someone says they learn something new every day, it doesn’t count if they forget it the next day. Because that’d be Groundhog Day learning.

  Karl: Well the thing I learned today was about an octopus. You know they have got eight legs and that?

  Ricky: Tentacles.

  Karl: They can use six of them legs to cover their head, so that they look like a little stone – and use the other two to run off.

  Ricky: He’s thinking of Squiddly Diddly.

  Steve: Yeah, he’s picturing a Disney cartoon.

  Karl: But anyway …

  Steve: So in your mind he’s singing a song and running off …

  Karl: But anyway, something else I learned, right. It’s mainly about animals and that ’cos that’s normally quite interesting. There’s a chicken somewhere …

  Ricky: Oh yeah, specific.

  Karl: … And the owner of it was getting fed up because he had to feed it and that but it wasn’t giving anything back.

  Steve: No eggs?

  Karl: No eggs, right. So he was like, ‘Oh I am sick of this.’ Anyway, someone told him to pop a little axe next to its little house, right, so when it comes out in the morning thinking ‘Oh, I’ll have another lazy day doing nothing’, he’d see this axe and suddenly think, ‘Oh, aye.’

  Steve: ‘I’m for the chop’, it thought?

  Karl: Next day it laid about six eggs.

  Ricky: It’s rubbish! The chicken wouldn’t recognise the axe as a threat. It wouldn’t be able to reason, ‘Oh I’d better start working or I’ll be meat.’ It’s absolute rubbish. Once again it’s this ridiculous thing where you personify animals and give them reasoning powers that are better than yours. I mean you make chickens and monkeys cleverer than you in your stories, which is weird. It didn’t happen and wouldn’t work. Next. What else haven’t you learned today?

  Karl: Well, as always, things like that always get me thinking …

  Steve: His mind’s working now. This apparently has got his mind working.

  Karl: Well d’you think, then, that it’s worth looking after animals if there isn’t any memory? If they don’t know what’s happening anyway? You’re always going on about don’t be cruel to things.

  Ricky: Why would you be cruel? Why would you ever want to be cruel to an animal, whether it can reason or not?

  Karl: No, no, I don’t mean really cruel. But there’s an advert that’s on in Britain advertising some supermarket and it’s saying, ‘Before we kill our chickens, they have a great life.’ They have this voice-over and you see a happy chicken, and they’re going, ‘We give it a good little house to live in. It’s got straw. It eats good, and then we kill it.’

  Ricky: Well that’s better, isn’t it?

  Karl: I don’t think it is though is it, because at the end of the day, if I was that chicken, right, I am that chicken loving me life. I can’t believe me luck, right. I’ve got a nice little field, nice food and everything, but I’m gonna die.

  Ricky: Yeah, we’re all gonna die.

  Karl: But then, if you were a rubbish chicken, that had a rubbish life, you’d be going, ‘Oh kill me.’

  Ricky: Karl, they’re not thinking about what’s going to happen tomorrow. A chicken’s not going, ‘I’m fed up with this. I can’t wait for that axe to be used on my neck.’

  Karl: Well now that you’ve mentioned the cutting off of an ’ead, right, on a chicken, that’s something else I have learned right …

  Ricky: His mind is like a pin ball, isn’t it? Ding, dong, bong, ‘chicken’, ding, dong, ‘head off’, bink, doink.

  Karl: No, this was in a proper science magazine, so you can’t have a go. This wasn’t something on the
internet, this was printed in a magazine.

  Steve: Okay and what was it?

  Ricky: Here comes the filter. It’s going to come out nonsense. You could have Professor Stephen Hawking sitting there, whispering stuff in your ear, but when you said it – gobbledegook.

  Karl: Well let’s see then. What they’ve done is they’ve done another experiment, right. They’ve cut somebody’s head off. And you know how they used to do it in the olden days, where they’d put your head in a stock, cut it off for whatever reason, right? You’ve done something wrong, right, and the question that everybody used to talk about in the village was, you know, ‘Oh I made eye contact with it and it was a bit worrying because he was looking at me and he looked fed up and that.’

  Ricky: Right, he’s dead.

  Karl: So they’ve put a bit of work into this and they’ve done it again somewhere and they have worked out that when the head comes off the body, it stays alive for thirty seconds.

  Ricky: No, they don’t know that. They can never know that.

  Karl: No, they did this experiment…

  Ricky: No. There are loads of issues here. No one’s experimenting with human beings by cutting their head off. No, no, no, no!

  Steve: You read this in what? Executioners’ Monthly?

  Karl: No, but this is where it gets weird, right. So the head’s off, right, and what they did was they chucked a load of questions at it.

  Ricky laughs.

  Ricky: So the head lands perfectly back on the neck and goes, ‘What d’you wanna know?’

  Karl: Ah, but it said …

  Ricky: So they are asking questions and it’s going, ‘D’you know what – to be quite honest I don’t want to answer your questions. I am a little bit annoyed about the execution still.’