Goodbye Secrets

by Jacquelyn Ayres

  I open my eyes and focus on the here and now as I hear Grayson and Morgan laughing.

  “Hey there, sleepyhead.” Grayson kisses my hair.

  “Oh, sorry.” I smile meekly because I know I wasn’t really asleep.

  “The ride is almost over, love. Are you still up for hot chocolate and cookies inside?” He grasps my chin with his thumb and forefinger to raise my face up to his. I squint from the sun.

  “Yes, that’s fine, handsome.” I kiss his lips.

  “Handsome, aye? Must’ve been a good dream.” He kisses me again.

  “No, actually, a bit of a nightmare. Glad to wake up to you.” I hug him tightly.

  “I love you, Becca.” He squeezes.

  I’m in the middle of the meadow with Rocco, who leans down to drink from the creek. It’s a gorgeous spring day, and I run my hands over my very big belly. Two masculine hands join mine. I lay my head back on his shoulder, allowing him access to my neck.

  “Oh, Becs, I’m so happy. I can’t wait to meet our babies.”

  I turn my head to look at him.

  “No. No, this isn’t yours. They are not yours. No!” I try to tell Ray.

  “We’re going to be great together, baby. I’m so in love with you.” He leans down to kiss me.

  “No! No, stop! It’s not true! Grayson, where’s Grayson?” I ask, panicked.

  “Dead, sweetheart. Sweetheart, it’s okay. Wake up, love.” Ray is talking, but it’s Grayson’s voice.

  “No! No, you’re lying! Where’s Grayson?” I cry.

  “I’m right here, Becca! Please, sweetheart!” Ray grabs my arms and shakes me.

  I open my eyes to Grayson and grasp his face with both of my hands.

  “Are you real? Are you here?” I cry.

  “Yes, sweetheart, I am.” He pulls me into his arms. “Jesus H. Christ, Becca! I couldn’t wake you up! What were you dreaming about, sweetheart?” He brings my face up to look at his.

  “I was on Rocco in the meadow ... ” I start to tell him my nightmare as I try to control my crying.

  “Oh, Becca, sweetheart, your dreams are crazy because you’re pregnant, love. I’m here. I’m fine. It was just a dream!” He kisses me. “It’s still so early. Why don’t you try to go back to sleep? I bet part of this is from being exhausted by our excursion yesterday—and our activities last night.” He nudges my nose playfully.

  I climb on top, straddling him.

  “I need you, baby. Grayson, I love you. You are my world,” I cry out in between the kisses I run down his neck and shoulder. That dream freaked me out, and I just to need to be as close to him as possible.

  “You have me, sweetheart. I’m here. I love you, baby,” he declares, and swiftly enters me.

  “Oh God, baby.” I moan and attack his lips with mine.

  “Can I sleep in a bit, love?” Grayson asks as I get up for a shower.

  “Sure.” I give him a quick kiss when I come around to his side of the bed.

  “You okay now?” He holds my arms and stares into my eyes.

  “Yes, much better now. I’ve just had a session with my sextherapist.” I giggle.

  “So he was he able to help you, then?” He gives me a half smile and tucks my hair behind my ears.

  “Oh, yes, he’s got a great way of showing me that things are always looking up.” I kiss his nose and then his lips again.

  “Hmm ... so what time will the man of your nightmares be dropping his daughter off today?” he asks.

  “Oh shit, it’s Friday?” Christ, I really don’t want to see Ray today.

  “Yes, dear.”

  “Probably after four, before dinner. Well, it’ll be nice to have Annie. You’ll love her, Gray!” I do miss Annie terribly.

  “I absolutely can’t wait, darling!” His overexaggeration tells me something different.

  “Hey, Stace, how ya feeling today?” I plop down on Morgan’s bed.

  “Becca, please help me take a shower today.” She’s practically in tears. “Melanie is a sweet girl, but I just don’t feel comfortable. She’s so young and perky and I feel like crap. I feel even uglier when I’m around her and her gorgeous teeth and perfect hair. Look at me!”

  My heart breaks for her. Out of everything, she’s devastated that most of her hair was shaved off. We’ve just been keeping it in a ponytail to try to hide where they operated as much as possible. Stacey has always been vain about her appearance—she never leaves the house without makeup unless, of course, she’s planning to apply it in the car while driving with her knee. Ah-ha! I’m going to send Grayson out with her when she’s all better and have her drive! That ought to shut him up about my driving for the rest of ... my life!

  “Stace, your hair is already starting to grow in!” Encourage. Encourage. Encourage! “And yes, I’ll help you shower.” I know what she means about Melanie. Grayson’s lost interest since the first day she arrived, but man, I thought his eyeballs were going to pop out of his head!

  “Do you have time now?” she asks, sounding hopeful.

  “All yours. Let’s get to it, lady!” I pull her covers back and help her swing out of bed.

  “They said this walking cast is waterproof.” She stands up.

  “Oh, shucks—no garbage-bag leg?” I tease. We head into the bathroom and I help her undress. “Hey, your skin is really clearing up!” I say enthusiastically.

  “Just think, Becca, last time you said that to me, we were teenagers and I had been on Accutane for a month.” She laughs.

  “Well, at least I’m not talking about age spots,” I joke. We both go quiet and I know we are silently pondering when we’ll be having that conversation. Oh God, please not for another ten years, at least!

  “So, tell me how you and Grayson are doing.” She sighs as she steps under the hot water.

  “We’re doing really well. We have our moments, and that usually leads to other moments.” I nudge her and giggle.

  “Well, you guys have been together for three months now. You must be visiting church a little less nowadays.” Huh?

  “Um, Stace, have you seen my fiancé?” I look at her like she’s crazy.

  “Yes, well, I haven’t seen him in all his magnificent glory, but you guys are still on each other every chance you get? Really? I saw the way he was looking at Melanie,” she adds.

  “Yeah, Stacey, we’re still going strong. What are you playing at, anyway?” I scrub her back roughly.

  “Sorry, Becs. I didn’t mean to upset you.” She tries to turn to me.

  “Stacey, are you still pining after Gray?” Enough with the bullshit!

  “No, Becca, I’m not. I’m sorry about my behavior before, after I got here. I wasn’t myself. Now, a lot of things have changed for me drastically.” She starts to sob.

  “I’m sorry this happened to you, Stace. I’m sorry he didn’t pay for what he did to you.” I begin to cry as well.

  “And you!” she adds.

  “Yeah,” I agree.

  “Becca, I wish I didn’t remember. What is the point? He’s dead, and now I’ll have these visions for the rest of my life! I’ll be haunted and tortured by it!” she cries. I know exactly what she means. “I’m so sorry, Becca. I know you went through this for years.”

  “Hey, hey now ... that was a long time ago. Don’t apologize to me for venting. It’s okay. You need to get mad; it’s a part of the healing process. He’s burning in hell, Stace—that much we know. He’ll never come back to hurt either one of us.” I wrap the towel around her and help her out of the shower.

  “When I think of what he could’ve done ... what he almost did.” She holds me to her.

  “Hey, you are here and he got his!” I palm her face to make her look at me.

  “Becca, I’m pregnant,” she says, bewildered. I feel as if I’m going to faint.

  “With George’s ... ?” I can’t even finish the sentence.

  “No ... it’s Ray’s.” She bites her lip. I’m speechless—not because I don’t have anything t
o say or any questions to ask. I have an overwhelming fear that I will sound like Porky Pig: dat-dat-dats Ray’s ka-ka-kid? Focus, Becca!

  “Um ... da-does he know?” Shit!

  “No. I found out at the hospital. I thought it was George’s until they did an ultrasound. I’m nine weeks.” She sighs. “Ray and I got shitfaced after you two left abruptly, and, well ... here I am. Knocked up in every way possible.” I grab her hands. I’m dying to tell her that she’s only one week ahead of me, but Grayson would have my head on a platter.

  “When are you going to tell him?”

  “I’m not sure. I suppose when I see him again. When I’ve fully recovered, I’ll go visit.” She starts to get dressed. I help her when needed.

  “Stacey, he’s coming here today to bring Annie for a sleepover. I’m sure he’ll want to see you.”

  The look of panic strikes her face so fast she couldn’t have stopped it if she wanted to.

  “Becca, I can’t see him like this. I can’t tell him yet. Oh, you can’t let him see me!”

  “Well he visited you a couple of times at the hospital, so he saw you at your worst.” I’m not sure if I’m helping.

  “He did?”

  She’s surprised. Humph.

  “Yeah.” I nod. I guide her back to the room. “Where’s the ultrasound picture?” I ask excitedly. Her face goes blank. “You said they did an ultrasound. Didn’t they give you a picture?”

  “Uh. No. Maybe because the tech wasn’t sure what kind of news this was for me,” she says. Huh. Odd, but she could be right.

  “Well, I will schedule an appointment for you with my doctor here. Are you taking prenatal vitamins?” I brush her hair, watching her expressions carefully.

  “Okay. Yes I am. Or, was ... they made me sick.”

  “Oh. Try the ones over the counter at Walgreen’s. I use them as a multivitamin still. I’ll pick some up for you.” I smile as I put her hair up.

  “Are you and Grayson still trying?” she asks quickly.

  “No. We’re not trying right now, too much going on.” I sigh. Yeah, that coupled with the fact that I’m already pregnant! She did technically ask if we were trying, so it’s not a lie ... we’re not!

  “There you go. Makeup?” I offer.

  “I’ll do it—I’m sure you want to spend some time with Morgan. I’ll be out soon.” She smiles and taps my hands.

  “Okay. Any special requests for breakfast?” I kiss her head.

  “Nope, surprise me!”

  I smile and head out of the room, but I feel my expression drop as soon as I’m out in the hall. I move slowly, trying to process the information. I know she said they were drunk, but still—Ray is a levelheaded guy. He wore protection with me, and I’m the one he wants to be with. I’m having a difficult time thinking he didn’t with her. I head up the stairs. I know Grayson wanted to sleep in, but maybe he’s up now.

  “Hey, Gray?” I say as I walk in. He puts his hand up to tell me to wait, then signals for me to close the door.

  “You’re fucking shitting me?!” he barks. His face is red, and the vein near his temple is pulsating like mad. This must be bad. As angry as I’ve made Grayson, I have never once seen that vein move like that before. “Did you alert the authorities? Oh, oh, good. Son of a bitch! Okay, very well then. Righto.” He hangs up.

  “Righto? My grandfather used to say that.” I smile and hug him. “What was that about?”

  “The explosion. The bomb was planted by one of our guys. He checked the plane with one of the others. When they cleared it and got off, he said he left his phone and went back in. Do you know the only reason Smitty is alive? All the lights on the plane were turned off, and he saw the red glow from under the seat! He got down to the ground to check it out and saw the timer. Had he come out of the cockpit one minute later, he would’ve died!”

  We stand in each other’s arms, silent. My guess is we’re both thinking about what else could’ve been had Tanya not received a visit from “Aunt Flo from Red Bank.”

  “Do they know why he did it?” I finally speak up.

  “No, not yet. We’ll know soon enough, though.” He kisses my forehead. “Now, what were you coming up for?”

  “Gee, I don’t know if you want to hear about this, what with everything you’re already trying to process.” I look up at him.

  “Lay it on me, sweetheart, we’re up to our elbows in it anyway!” He closes his eyes, puts his head back, and takes in a deep breath. I give him the play-by-play of my conversation with Stacey. At the questioning of our sex life, he says, “That’s bazaar.” I tell him about me flat-out asking her if she wants Grayson, and her response. (“Good for you!”) I also mention the Melanie thing. (“I’m sorry, sweetheart, she’s not really my type. I don’t know what came over me.”) Then ... the Grand Poobah. (“Holy fuck!”) Then her questions about us trying, and what I said.

  “Good girl, Becca!” He hugs me.

  “Baby?”

  “Yes?”

  “Do you have people that can magically look at medical records? I’m not sure if she’s telling the truth.” It saddens me to feel this way.

  “Becca, if she’s not, then we have a problem. She and Ray must know, and if they do, there was a leak at either the doctor’s office or radiology department.” He’s on his phone again. “Jake! It’s Grayson. Yes, Mass General. Yes, all records. Thanks, mate!” He hangs up.

  “God, that is fucking hot!” I bite my lip.

  Gray raises his eyebrows. “How hot, sweetheart?” He frees my lip with his thumb then bites it for himself, causing a small groan to release from my throat.

  “The kind of hot that would make me call you ‘sir,’” I manage to say before I deepen the kiss. Grayson pulls my yoga pants down a bit and gives my bum a proper greeting with his hand. “Oh!” I gasp and relish in the sweet sting. “Again, baby ... please.” I bite his earlobe as I beg.

  “Please what?”

  “Please, sir.” And I feel the sting again. He pulls my pants back up. Huh? I open my eyes and look up at him.

  “Something to think about for later, sweetheart.” He bites my lip again to tease me even more before he releases me. “I have to meet with security, doll.” He kisses the tops of my hands.

  “It’s the three month itch, isn’t it?” I joke.

  “Oh ... there’s definitely an itch, which only you can scratch. But we’ll have to scratch it later, sweetheart.” He leans in for another kiss and finally lets go so he can head downstairs. I clean up our room and make our bed. Shit, I have to finish wrapping Grayson’s gifts!

  I head over to Melissa’s room and knock. “Melissa?” I knock again. Duh, she’s at the meeting. Shoot! I could just walk in, but Country Sybecca waves an authoritative finger at me. She’s right. I shouldn’t just go barging in, even if it’s my place. Defeated, I head downstairs. I’ll just wrap his gifts later.

  “Hey, Morgy! What should we do today? Do you want to start baking now?” I put my arm around her as she walks by.

  “Huh?” She pulls her earbuds out.

  “I said, what would you like to do today?”

  “Well, Mom, Annie’s going to be here in a couple of hours, so I thought we’d wait for her. What’s for breakfast?” We walk into the kitchen as I’m still trying to process this information. It’s not even close to noon yet, and I already feel overwhelmed! My brain is starting to think it’s the end of the day instead of the beginning. Ugh! Half day before the holiday! How did I forget that? Why are they doing that for a Friday? It’s a conspiracy, I swear! Cautionary Sybecca has her ticker board out again. It reads, “Shit ... shit ... fuckity ... shit!” And I agree!

  “Omelets or pancakes?” I ask.

  “French toast!” She grabs several loaves, reminding me I have quite a few people to cook for! I pull out the eggs, milk, vanilla, cinnamon, and nutmeg. My French toast always tastes like fall. I also pull out the different egg bakes I made last night and throw them in the oven to warm up. I do love my new k
itchen. And I love my fiancé; he’s really wonderful and thoughtful!

  “Mom, how do you know when you’ve put enough in? You don’t measure,” Morgan asks, watching me from one of the barstools at my new huge island. Its creamy white-and-brown granite go great with the maple cabinets.

  “Oh, I measure by sight. Someday, I’ll take my time and measure everything out so I can write it down for you.” I love that her interest in cooking has resurfaced.

  “No, Mommy, I want to learn by sight like you and Susanna.” She rests her head in her closed fists as she watches.

  “I miss Susanna. We should give her a call later.” I stop whisking. Come to think of it, I miss California. Maybe it’s because it was just us there, none of the baggage from here. Well, a little, but only in the emotional sense!

  “There are my girls!” Hazel smiles as she walks in. “What do we have going on in here?” She heads over to wash her hands at the sink, then begins our old routine of getting the breakfast spread ready to go. I wish I could merge my New Hampshire and California lives into one, because I’m overwhelmed with the sense of home right now! “We’ll be spending a lot of time in this kitchen for the next few days, huh, girls?” Hazel cuts biscuits out of the dough.

  “Oh yes, more than usual. We’re going to have a lot more people this year.” I exhale a big breath. A little overwhelming, but I love it!

  “Hey, Mom, I have an idea!” Morgan says excitedly, slapping the island.

  “What’s that?” Uh-oh. When Morgan’s excitement is this high over an idea, it’s usually quite the endeavor!

  “Well, all of our Secret Service agents are missing Christmas with their families. Why don’t we make a request box instead of a suggestion box? They can each write down one thing, a dish or cookie that will make them feel closer to home, and put it in the box, then we could make sure they have it!” And she’s up and probably off to get supplies.

  “Jesus! I hope half of them say turkey or ham!” Hazel rolls her eyes.

  “C’mon, Hazel, it’s only three days ‘til Christmas!” I say sarcastically, as if that’s a lot of time. Within half an hour, we are bringing everything out to the dining room.