“Sit up for a sec, babe.” He nudged me. I did so. “Here.” He unsnapped my bra. “Why are you still wearing that?”
“You were coming over.” It’s true. I had put it back on.
“That’s ridiculous! You hate sleeping in a bra.” He was right. I took it off and settled back against him. “Better?” He caressed my stomach, and I jumped a little.
“Yeah.” I looked up at him. He kissed me again and again. His hands traveled up to my breasts, his fingers working at my nipples. I gasped and tried to pull away.
“Shh ... stop.” He tweaked my nipples hard, and I moaned against his lips. I grasped at his knees with my hands as his touch sent electric currents to my groin. My hips moved against his, and I ground my ass into him. “Stop.” He grabbed my hips to still them. “You keep doing that, baby, and I’m not going to be able to control myself.” I laid my head back against his chest and closed my eyes. I felt so confused about what I wanted. So scared. I listened as he drank some of his beer. The light gulps sounded so loud.
“Wine, please.”
“No. Pace yourself, baby.” He squeezed me to him and kissed my hair.
“I only have a little left. I just want to finish it.” Because I didn’t feel relaxed enough.
“Here. No more, though—you drink too much, babe.” He handed me the glass.
“I only overindulge every once in a while. When I have the next morning off, for instance.”
“Or I stay over,” he said under his breath.
“What are you talking about, Ray?” I snapped. He ignored me. I took the last few sips and handed the glass back.
“All better now?” He wrapped his arms around me. I ignored him and watched the movie. I felt my eyelids start to get heavy. “Hey,” he whispered, and nudged my head with his.
“Hmm?” I looked up at him. “Oh, did you want me to move?” I started to shift.
“No, c’mere.” He pulled me back and held me tighter. I placed my arms on top of his and nuzzled my face into his neck, giving him several soft pecks.
“I love you, Ray.” It was true, but it was definitely the wine that made me brave enough to say it. At first, I wasn’t sure if he had heard me. I listened to the steady rhythm of his breathing and felt my eyelids get heavy again.
“God help me, Becca, I’m so in love with you,” he said. He collected my lips with his, then laid me down on my back and climbed on top of me.
Oh God ... how could I have forgotten about this? Did this really happen? I feel like I’m going crazy!
I bring my focus back to the memory.
I caressed his back and opened my legs to give him better leverage.
“Oh God, Ray.” I pulled away from his mouth and moved my hips with his. His teeth clenched at little pieces of my skin, working his way down to my breast. I bit at his shoulder as I felt myself come undone. “Oh ... oh, Ray,” I groaned, lost in the sensation.
“That’s it, baby.” He pulled both my shorts and his bottoms off.
“What are you doing?” My heart and stomach both fluttered in a panicky state as he lifted my leg.
“Bec, stay with me, baby. Please!” He kissed me and entered me quickly. We both gasped.
“Stop! Stop! Get off of me!” I hit his back and pushed at his shoulders. He thrust into me several times, then finally rolled off of me.
“Goddamn it, Becca!” he yelled and got up abruptly. He pulled his bottoms up, then went into the bathroom and slammed the door. Several minutes later he came out and went over to his clothes. He changed and picked up his watch from the nightstand. We stared at each other. He was so angry—his jaw was pulsating off the charts.
“Ray ...” I wanted to say something. I just didn’t know what.
“Shut up, Becca! I’ve had enough of this! Outside of stuff with our girls, don’t call me for anything until you are ready to commit to at least the shit you start!” He threw his coat on and stormed out of my room.
I remember crying myself to sleep that night.
What night was that? When? Why am I only remembering it now?
Christ, its half past four. I get up and go to the girls’ room. They’re still asleep. Yeah, Becca, everybody’s asleep but you! I find Annie’s emergency cell phone and call Ray.
“Annie!” He picks up after the third ring, panic in his voice.
“No, it’s me,” I say quietly, and duck into the girls’ bathroom.
“Becca, what’s the matter, baby?” I can sense him jumping out of bed.
“Ray, we need to talk. I ... I’m having flashbacks of things with you. I need to talk to you about them. I feel like I’m losing my mind.” I start crying.
“Now?” he asks.
“No, tomorrow’s fine. Can you meet me here at nine?” Grayson is going to flip his shit.
“Yes, baby, I’ll be there. Becca, everything is going to be fine. I love you. I’ve always loved you.”
“Thanks, Ray. Love you too. Good night.” I hang up and put Annie’s phone back into her overnight bag. As I close their door and turn to head down the hall, I walk right into Grayson getting off his phone. I look up at him. He seems concerned, which is a relief—I was expecting him to be pissed.
“Everything all right, love?” He grabs my hand.
“Yes.” I squeeze and we head to our room. “I called Ray. He’s coming by at nine to talk. I’ve been awake for two hours now, and I’ve been having some memories.”
“Um ... should I be worried about us, sweetheart?” He sits down on the bed, looking so uncomfortable and out of his element.
“Oh, no. No, baby, we’re okay. I just don’t understand why this is all coming back to me now. I don’t know if it’s real, or what else may have happened. Ray is the only one who can answer these questions, Gray. For my sake, can I please talk to him without security? There’s bound to be some embarrassing stuff.” I kneel in front of him. He shakes his head.
“I’m not comfortable with that.”
“I’m not asking you to be. I’m just asking for your trust and the courtesy of privacy.”
“You’ll be bugged.” He sighs.
“No!” I plead.
“Yes, or it isn’t going to happen,” he says through his teeth.
“Only you can listen.”
“All right, then. Let’s try to get to bed now.” He leans forward for a kiss and pulls me up to get into bed. Finally ... sleep finds me again.
“Up and at ‘em!” Grayson says loudly as he slaps my bum.
“Ow! Babe!” I yell. I glance at the clock. Ugh—a quarter to nine! I want to go back to sleep. Oh. Oh, wait! Ray’s going to be here in fifteen minutes.
“Come on, love, your boyfriend will be here any minute!” he teases.
“You’re my boyfriend,” I grumble, then climb out of bed.
“I am your fiancé, and we are getting married in two months and seventeen days. I can’t wait!” He pulls me into his arms and gives me an I never want to let you go hug.
“Hi.” I smile. What has gotten into him?
“Hi.” He grins boyishly and kisses me. “Is it okay if I start baking with the girls this morning?”
“Um, aren’t you going to be busy eavesdropping?” I wrap my arms around his neck as we sway.
“Nope. I’ve decided not to do that. I trust you. I don’t trust him, but I’m sure Ghetto Sybecca will take care of it if he crosses the line.” I can’t contain my laughter. I recently told Grayson about some of my mental counterparts. He loved that they didn’t exist until he came along.
“Did you tell security?” I raise a single brow.
“That you’re crazy? No, love, they already know that.”
This warrants a slap from me.
“No, about Ray and me speaking privately.”
“Yes, they will keep their distance.” He kisses my nose. I walk to the dresser and pull out a pair of jeans and a shirt, then head into the bathroom for all morning essentials ... pee, teeth, deodorant. If I were Stacey, I guess I’d b
e putting makeup on, but alas—I am basics Becca! I head out of the bathroom and realize Grayson must’ve headed downstairs already. I lock up and follow suit.
Ray looks up and smiles at me as I come down the stairs. God, he is so good-looking.
“Hey, leave your coat on. We’re going to go to the office in the barn.” I grab my coat as well. He holds out his hand for mine, and I grab it. Old habit.
“So, how did you manage this?” He swings my arm and looks over at me as we walk the perimeter of the inn.
“Manage what?”
“This, babe. Us ... alone. I couldn’t even give you a hug at the hospital a few weeks ago without them breathing down my neck.” He glances back and finds my detail slowly following us.
“Grayson knows how important it is that I talk to you right away. I’m very upset, Ray.”
He opens the door to the barn and we head in.
“Oh, my guys did start in here! They weren’t sure if they’d be able to before Christmas.” He eyes the plastic drapes and scaffolding. I glance around as well.
“Yeah, I can’t wait to see it when it’s done.”
“Well, come on.” He points and we head in. “Oh, hey, they installed the fireplace!” Ray heads over to it. “It’s all set to go, baby. Should I turn it on so you stay warm?” I nod. He turns the dial.
“It’s beautiful.” I pull my coat off.
“Yeah, quite the sight.” He stares at me.
I throw my coat over the chair and sit sideways on the new couch. The door is closed and the blinds on its window are down. I’m glad for the privacy—but also nervous. Ray takes off his coat and sits so we’re facing each other. “What’s going on, baby?” He touches my face.
“Um, as I’ve mentioned, I didn’t realize anything intimate had happened between us except for the kiss in the rain and me playing Lady Marmalade a few months ago. I just remembered the sleigh ride because Morgan brought it up, then my birthday because you brought it up. Last night I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. I started thinking about our conversation.” I take in a deep breath.
“And?”
I’m thankful that he is my usual patient Ray right now.
“Well, I was trying to figure out what you meant by me pretending things didn’t happen.”
“Becca, you’ve been doing it to me the past five years.” He sighs and runs his hand through his hair.
“Well, what do you mean exactly?” I feel irritated, but not with him.
“Becca, baby, stuff happened. Kissing, touching. Sex. And the next day, it was like it never happened.” He sounds equally frustrated.
“Ray, I wasn’t pretending. I really truly didn’t remember, sweetie. I’m really sorry. It’s not your fault. This is why I have to see Patricia. It’s all coming back to me now. I had no idea.” I fight my tears.
“Shh ... baby, don’t cry.” He pulls me into his arms.
“Ray, this is scary. I’m missing important pieces of my life.” I cry into his neck.
“Important?” He pulls my chin up.
“Yes, Ray, You know you’re important to me. Please don’t kiss me.”.
“Baby, I’m so going to kiss you before we leave here—just so you know.”
“I need you to tell me everything first.” I turn away.
“Wait. You’re going to let me kiss you?” He brings my face back.
“Ray, if I wasn’t with Grayson, I’d give you a complimentary fuck for putting up with my shit for so long.” Yeah, I’d do that! I’m fearless these days!
“Complimentary, huh?” He gives me a big Ray smile. I giggle and nod. “What do you need to know?” He takes my hand and kisses it.
“How many times have we had sex, and when was the first time?” I swallow hard.
“Right to the good stuff, huh?” He chuckles.
“Was it good?” I bite my lip to hold back my smile.
“It was when it lasted more than two minutes ... if that.” He rolls his eyes.
“Ohh ... yikes. Problems, Ray? You know, you are getting older.” I’m teasing, because if my memory from last night is correct, I was the problem.
“Oh, yeah, there was a problem all right. A problem caused by one Becca Campbell.” He pushes at my shoulder playfully.
“Okay, so, when was our first time?”
“Baby, do you mean the first time I got that far, or the first time you actually let me finish?”
Wow ... this is terrible.
“Um, I guess start with when things started happening in general.” I feel my face flush and my stomach tighten into knots. I lean my cheek against back of the couch. I’m still facing him—I just need to stop this dizzy spell.
“Babe, you okay?” He touches my face again.
“Yeah, I’m just overwhelmed. Seems like that should be my permanent theme song. I should ask Grayson to write me a song called ‘Overwhelmed,’” I blather on.
“I’m sure there’s one out there. So, from the beginning?”
“Yes please.” I open my eyes and look at him.
“Well, obviously I had a crush on you from the moment I met you.” He starts laughing. I know exactly what about—parent-teacher night, five years ago.
We sat next to each other, listening to their kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Finley. She was talking about us all working together and how, when children act up, there’s something going on, and as parents and teachers we should stop ... collaborate.
I piped up and said, “And listen.” I bit my lip and shook my head. Sometimes things just can’t be helped. The teacher agreed with me.
“If there’s a problem ... we’ll solve it,” Ray added. My body started shaking and I bit my lip to the point of almost drawing blood to stifle my giggle. I dared to look at Ray, and he was doing the same. Everybody else was so serious—I assumed we were the only ones on this planet in the nineties. It felt like Ray and I were good friends in school, laughing about something but trying not to get caught. Well, we were, except we were the parents.
After the teacher’s speech, which we both went into Charlie Brown mode over, we finally introduced ourselves. We were so excited to find out who each other’s kid was. Both girls had already declared themselves best friends. We ended up talking for an extra hour out in the parking lot after the conferences ended.
“Hey, Becca, did you have dinner?” he asked.
“No, I was going to wait until after.” I looked at my watch.
“Well, it’s after. I haven’t eaten, either. Do you want to grab a bite?”
I agreed. I felt very safe and comfortable with him right away. We went to a local pub and talked for hours. I had just bought the inn and I was looking for a contractor to build the store.
“Becca, I’m an architect. I’ll stop by and look at it,” he offered.
“Well, I have a budget,” I said nervously. An architect sounded much more expensive than a contractor. I wasn’t too sure how the whole construction process went.
“Most people do, Becs. Let me check it out. I’ll give you a good deal.” He reached up to push a strand of hair behind my ear. It was a very familiar gesture that caught us both off guard—we had only met that night. “Uh ... sorry ... habit. I do that with Annie’s hair,” he said quickly.
“Wow, one hundred points to McNeil for quick thinking.” I bit my smile back.
“Yes, Alex, I’ll take awkward situations for two-hundred points,” he said, then thumbed my lip away from my teeth. “What is, please stop doing that for reasons I can’t discuss right now?” He took a swig of his beer. I’m pretty sure I had a stupid grin on my face.
“Ah ... so, you were subjected to the nightly 7:00 p.m. torture of Wheel and Jeopardy! as well?”
He rolled his eyes. “Still am.”
“You live with your parents?” I couldn’t help my laughter.
“Hey, I’ve got my own apartment in the basement!” He jokingly tried to defend himself. He didn’t really live with his parents, of course.
“Shut t
he fuck up!” I hit his arm.
“Becca! I’m shocked! Such language!” He tried to sound appalled. “Where are you from? So unladylike.”
“I’m from Jersey, where we only had one ‘sight word’ to learn.” I smirked.
“What was that?” As he asked, I flipped him off.
“Oh, we are going to get along great!” He laughed. I smiled and finished my wine. “Another one, baby?” he asked, and my eyes went wide. “Oh, I’m just clearing that ‘awkward’ topic on the board.” He gave me that boyish grin. God, I remember how handsome I thought he was then. Right from the start, there was just something about him. We were already silly stupid with each other. I felt like I’d known him forever.
He made eye contact with the waitress and pointed to our drinks.
“Oh, Ray, I shouldn’t have another.” I really wanted one, though, and I didn’t want to go home yet.
“You’re fine! Look, they’re starting up karaoke. We’re both in the same boat—we rarely get a night off! My parents are with Annie. Oh, who’s with Morgan? Can they stay?” he asked.
“My friend Stacey is. Yeah, she’s visiting.” I pulled out my phone to text her. I don’t remember everything she said, but she did tell me to “get some.” Of course, I didn’t see that text ‘til I came back from the bathroom to a Ray who was trying to pull himself together.
“Um ... Stacey texted you again. The screen lit up and I saw her text ... sorry.” He laughed. I didn’t even have to look, because Stacey has no filter sometimes. I slid my head into my hands, already defeated by embarrassment. I finally put on my big-girl pants and glanced at the message. My head went back into my hands.
“We have Ray and Becca coming up now! Ray and Becca ... you’re up!”
I lifted my head and looked at the DJ, then at Ray. He stood and held his hand out to me. Oh, Christ! I went up with him and grabbed a mic. “Ice Ice Baby” popped up on the screen.
“Aww ... it’s our song, sweetie!” I said to Ray with a hint of playful sarcasm. The music started and Ray and I busted out the lyrics all serious, like it was our job. Kind of became our M.O. for karaoke.
Goodbye Secrets Page 19