We stayed there until they closed at one in the morning. He followed me home in his truck just to make sure I got home all right. We were still at the rental home then. He walked me up the steps.
“Hey, Becs, I had a lot of fun. Thanks for sitting next to me and coming out tonight.”
“Technically, you sat next to me,” I said.
“Yeah, well, I guess old habits are hard to break.” He smiled.
“Huh?” I gave him a look that I’m sure matched my confusion.
“I always tried to sit next to the prettiest girl in the class.” He touched my cheek softly. I rolled my eyes at his comment, then bit my lip. He was so close to me.
“Please, Becca, you have to stop biting your lip, baby.” He pulled it away, then bit it himself. I gasped, which opened my mouth enough for his tongue to enter. The kiss was so urgent and so sweet. He took my breath away.
I open my eyes to find Ray watching me.
“Ray, did we kiss the first night we met?” I ask quietly to confirm the memory.
“Yes. That was the best first date I’ve ever had in my life.” He frowns.
“Me, too.” I grab his hand.
“So, great, you forgot.” He sighs.
“What happened after?” I ignore his comment. I can only apologize so many times.
“You wigged out the next time we saw each other.” He raises his hands for emphasis.
“I wigged out like wiggy-wiggy?” I pretend to scratch a record. “Or like wigged out?” I pull an imaginary wig off. He just sits there and stares at me blankly. I decide to fight against the urge to hold up a pretend microphone, tap it, and ask if it’s on. “Well, why did you stick around?” I ask, feeling defensive.
“I talked to Stacey because I wasn’t sure of what to do. She told me about George and the PTSD. She told me to run, and fast—unless I liked you enough to be extremely patient. She also told me I was the first guy you even gave the time of day to. I found that encouraging, but what did it for me was watching you play in the leaves with the girls and hearing all three of you laughing. I just knew at that moment that you were the one.” Cue the waterworks. Damn it!
“I’ve loved having you in my life, but I wish you had run. I’ve done nothing but hurt you.” I let my tears fall freely.
“Moving along ...” He sighs. I nod. “I held off on kissing you again, which was very hard. I wanted to kiss you every minute I was near you. You and your perpetual lip biting. Stop it!” He pulls my lip away from my teeth quickly.
“Sorry,” I mumble.
“Do it again—see what happens.” He gives me a mischievous grin.
“I can’t help it.” I sigh.
“Yeah, I’ll use that excuse, too.”
“Ray, the next time?”
“Uh, well, I went slow ... hand on your back, arm around your shoulder, holding your hand.” He scratches at the inseam of his right leg, which he has bent under him on the couch.
“Well, I remember that stuff. Our familiarity with each other.” I grab his hand to make him stop. He laces his fingers with mine.
“But you don’t remember us kissing?” He gives me an unsure look.
“No. I may have when it first happened, but I guess I pushed it out.”
“This just doesn’t make sense, Becca. How can you lose all these memories with me?” He lets go.
“Do you think I want this? Do you think I like coming to you to ask about our past? I don’t!” I yell in a low tone. I’m beyond frustrated.
“Okay. Okay. Stop.”
Geez ... what is it with the way he says that word? Country Sybecca is twirling her pigtails and slowly circling around a pole.
“Tit for tat, baby.”
“Huh? What?” I look up at him. He moves closer.
“You’ve hurt me over and over again. I understand now, sort of, what was going on.” His face is so close I can smell the mint from his toothpaste. “So, how does it work? Do you remember events once they’re mentioned?” He thumbs my bottom lip away from my teeth. “Baby, baby, baby ...” he whispers, then bites my lip.
I gasp, just like the first time he ever did it. He deepens the kiss, and I match his urgency. I don’t know why. Well, I do, I think. Oh God, I’m so confused! Ray pulls away and grabs his phone.
“Theme song,” he says, and glances up at me as he hits an app to get into his playlist. After hitting the screen a few times, he puts his phone back down and palms my face. Slowly, he leans in to kiss me again. “The Scientist” by Coldplay blasts as loud as it can on an iPhone. The words help a sob escape my throat. Ray grabs my hips to pull me down onto the couch. He hovers over me, but doesn’t come any closer. “The second time we kissed like this, it was the evening of our first Easter. We fell asleep on the couch at my parents’ house when we were up there for Easter vacation.” He pecks my lips again.
“Yes, that was the week before I opened the inn. You convinced me to come up to your parents’ and have a vacation before I forgot what one was. Boy, were you right!” I roll my eyes and shift a little, unintentionally rubbing against his erection. His breath catches.
“I’m right about most things, baby.” He attacks my lips again. His hips roll skillfully, grinding my effect on him against me. My perfidious hips leap into action to support his efforts. Hips, stop! Ray, stop! Oh God ... I can’t stop either of them! Oh ... oh, sweet Jesus! “That’s it, baby. Come on.” His words encourage the rise in me.
“No. No, stop!” Ah-ha! I do still have a voice and a working mouth! I feel the sweet tightening deep within and I’m blanketed with the results of my dilatory refusal. I close my eyes, unable to escape the warmth ... the guilt. Ray kisses away the one lonely tear that braves the journey out of the corner of my eye.
“Think about our first Easter, baby. We fell asleep on the couch together. Remember?” he whispers near my ear. My eyes remain closed as I nod. I can’t look at him yet. I go into the memory instead.
I woke up in the middle of the night. The moon shone brightly through the window. Ray stared at me, his fingers grazing my cheek. I was in his arms on the couch. Everybody was in bed upstairs. There was a blanket covering us.
“My mother must’ve covered us up,” he whispered when I glanced down at it. I looked back up to his beautiful eyes. His thumb traced my bottom lip, and I pursed my lips slightly to kiss it. He leaned forward and pecked my lips as I reached up to touch his cheek. He took in a sharp breath and scanned my face. I tilted my chin upward so he could kiss me again. It started out sweet ... soft ... reluctant.
We were both hesitant. He was probably afraid of rejection. I was scared of everything that had to do with the opposite sex. After a few minutes or so, we threw caution to the wind. He deepened the kiss. I tugged at the hem of his shirt, and he pulled away so I could bring it off over his head. He followed suit with mine, then attacked my lips again with such intensity I remember almost forgetting to exhale. His mouth ran down my neck, and he yanked the cup of my bra off of my right breast to allow his mouth access. I moaned and rubbed up against him as he teased my nipple, sending electric currents down to my groin. I fisted his hair and brought his mouth back to mine. Oh God, I wanted him!
“Becs ... I need you, baby,” he said breathlessly against my mouth as his fingers ran along the band of my PJ bottoms. He hooked them and started to pull the right side down.
“Ray, no. Please stop. Stop, Ray.” I wriggled under him.
“Okay. Okay, Bec, shh ... I’m stopping.” He pulled my PJs back up. I fixed my bra as Ray sat up to grab my shirt. I looked up to find him holding it open so I could put my head through.
“Thanks,” I whispered. God, I felt so silly and stupid. I moved to get up.
“Wait, where are you going?” he whispered, and hooked his arm around my waist.
“I was going to go upstairs to bed.” I bit my lip—as I always do in every situation ever. He thumbed it away.
“Please just stay here with me. I just want to hold you, baby. I’d like to kiss you again, too
, if that’s okay. I won’t do anything else. I promise, Becca, please.” He caressed my cheek with the back of his hand.
“What if everybody wakes up before us and sees us?” I couldn’t look at him. I felt so shy.
“Well, we’re dressed, and my mom covered us up instead of waking us. No one will think anything other than what happened ... that we fell asleep watching a movie. Okay, baby?” He gently pushed my hair behind my right ear with his left hand. His fingers slid down, his thumb massaging my earlobe. I closed my eyes, soaking in the calming effect of his touch. “Becca ... baby, I’ll never do anything you don’t want me to do. I promise.” His fingers slowly moved from my ear across my jawline. He grasped my chin between his thumb and forefinger and gently raised my face to his. “Can I kiss you again, baby?”
I looked into his eyes and gave him a slight nod. He cupped my face and caressed my lips with his. He made me feel so delicate, like he might break me if he added too much pressure. I placed my hands on his arms as he slowly guided me onto my back. Once there, he deepened the kiss.
We lay there like that, kissing, for—I don’t know—it had to be an hour or so. The rest of the week we held hands and kissed like any other new couple starting out. It was so exciting, comforting, calming. Right.
“Are you finished with that memory yet, baby?” Ray grabs my chin and shakes my head a little, like I’m saying no.
“Yes.” I open my eyes and smile at him.
“That’s how it is when we visit my parents. You’re okay with being my girl there, and anywhere else we go where people don’t know us. I’ve always secretly felt like you are ashamed of me.” He frowns.
“Oh, Ray, no! I could never be ashamed of you! I hate myself for what I’ve put you through.” I start crying again. Ray watches me for a moment, then grabs the tissue box off of the coffee table. I take two and wipe my nose. His blue-gray eyes, ugh ... they’re like a storm. He stares at me intently, and I lick my lips, biting my bottom one.
“Mmm ... there it is.”
There’s something about the way he says it that has me needing my, like, fifth panty change since I’ve been secluded in this room with him. He licks his lips before he captures mine again (not that they are running anywhere).
Donna Summer is softly singing “Toot toot, hey, beep beep” in my head.
“Oh, shut up, Donna!” I snap. Ray chuckles and kisses my tears away. I sigh. “Next memory, please.”
“Hold on a minute! Donna interrupted us. I need a little tit for my tat.” He smirks as he reaches under my shirt and cops a feel.
“Raymond!” I snap, then wince.
“Tsk, tsk, baby.” He says playfully and tweaks my nipple through the cloth of my bra. It ignites the direct line to my motherboard. (What?)
“Don’t do that. Next memory, please.” I lean up and kiss him.
“Ugh!” He groans. “Okay. Big memories or little memories?”
“Well, what do you mean by ‘little memories’?” I ask as I pull his hand away from my chest. He runs it down my side and under my bum.
“You’ve lost a lot of weight, Becca.” He furrows his brow at me.
“Hmm, yeah. I went down two sizes, but I’ve recently gained five pounds back.” I half frown.
“Due to the hostage situation?” He raises a brow.
“Probably, and I’m not a hostage!” I smack his arm.
“You are choosing to be a prisoner. I wish you would just see it.” He sighs.
“I am not!” I snap.
“Yes, you are!”
“I don’t have a choice!” That did not come out as brilliantly as I hoped it would.
“Which is it, baby?”
“Ugh, Ray! I need the protection!” I yell.
“From who? From what? George is dead! He can’t hurt you anymore, except in your mind, and you seem to finally be moving on from that!” I can almost feel his frustration escalating.
“He had a partner!” I say impulsively.
“Who?”
“We don’t know yet.” I lower my voice, trying to calm down.
“Probably the same person who set me up to think you were in trouble.” He touches my face. “God, if anything ever happened to you, baby ... ” He kisses me.
“I believe you happened to me, McNeil. Please answer my earlier question about little memories.”
He takes in a deep breath. “Well, things like day trips, outings around town, classes we took together, movies.”
I think for a moment.
“I’m pretty sure I remember everything about those times. I remember holding hands and you kissing my hair. And the big dude farting in yoga class.” We both start to laugh.
“That was terrible.” Ray shakes his head.
“Is there anything specific about those times that I’m not remembering?” I turn my head to him.
“No ... just that, as usual, everything was fine until we ran into somebody we knew. Then my hand would get dropped and it was over for the rest of the day. There was no bringing you back.” His nostrils flare. God, I was awful.
“Ray, why did you put up with that for so long?” I touch his face.
“I was really patient in the beginning. I knew George had done terrible things to you. I knew you weren’t playing games—you were just really scared. I tried not to take it personally. I looked at the upside.” He gives my hip a squeeze. “I was the only one you gave your extra time to, whether on the phone or in person. I fell in love with you so fast, Becca. I never met a woman I could be completely myself around. Not only did you put up with me, but you were just like me. Since the first day I met you, I knew in my heart of hearts that you were the one—the person who was meant to be my forever. I’ve never experienced this type of clarity in my life. Not with Liz, not with anyone ... just you. Always you. When you’re ‘on’—you know, being my girl—I get an overwhelming glimpse of what it would be like to have you completely, without the shit in your head haunting you. Oh, baby, it’s so worth fighting for.” He rests his forehead against mine. I gasp my sob back. Ray has never fallen short on saying the most wonderful things to me. “Shh, shh , baby ... next memory?”
I nod and kiss him quickly.
“It was September, and the girls had just started the first grade. We went to my cousin Bethany’s wedding,”
“I remember that, Ray.”
“Really? You remember everything?” He again raises an eyebrow and bites his lip.
“Well, I remember we went. We had a good time. Danced a lot ... drank a lot.” I frown and shrug my shoulder as if to say that’s it, no big deal.
“That’s all you remember?” he asks. I nod. “Faaaaack.” He slaps his head. I inch out from underneath him. “Where are you going?”
“Just getting on my side.” I turn. He echoes my movement so we’re facing each other.
“Here.” He puts a long red throw pillow under our heads.
“Thanks. So, what am I not remembering about this wedding?” I smile.
“Close your eyes, baby ... this is a doozy! When you start to remember, squeeze my hand and I will shut up so you can work through it.”
“Okay. Go ahead.” I close my eyes.
“I’m going to need to do a panty check after this one, baby.”
I sense his smile.
“Um, Ray, I probably should’ve changed my panties like five times by now.” I open my eyes to find his stormy ones staring at me. I feel his fingers tug at the button of my jeans. He unzips them. “Don’t, Ray.” I put my hand on top of his. A slow smirk comes across his lips.
“Close your eyes.” He moves his hand up to my hip. I comply. “I came to you a few days before the wedding to ask for a favor. My parents already considered you my girlfriend, and I knew that was how they would introduce you. I didn’t want to tell them not to for various reasons. First being that my mother would’ve hounded you and you would’ve flipped. Second being that my family was already starting to think I was gay.” He pauses when I squeeze his h
and. “Wow, already?”
“I think so.” I furrow my brow, deep in thought.
“Okay. Well, real quick—thirdly, you were my girlfriend ... to me. Now, go ahead. I’m just going to watch you and think about your wet panties.”
I slap him.
“Shut up!” I laugh. He leans forward and kisses me again. “Ray, please, let me think.” I pull away.
“Okay,” he says. I feel his breath on my forehead. I close my eyes and think back—falling into the memory.
I was restocking the shelves in the store. Dinner was in the oven. It was Wednesday, and I expected Ray to walk through the door at any minute. I kept Annie with me on Wednesdays after Daisy Scouts, and we’d all have dinner together when Ray came home ... well, to the inn.
“Hey, baby, still at it?”
Hearing his voice, I turned.
“Just finishing.” I smiled and grabbed the plastic wrapping off the floor, then I threw it in the garbage can behind the counter. He was leaning up against the counter on the customer side, and I stepped around to join him. He was in dark blue jeans and a lavender dress shirt. His wavy locks were almost at the length I find delicious. “Hey, you look beat.” I went on my toes to kiss his cheek, but got the corner of his mouth as he turned his head toward me. He grabbed my hips.
“Becca, goddamn it ... could you just fucking give me a real kiss, baby?” Though he said it quietly, his impatience and frustration came through loud and clear. I stared at him, trying to figure him out. “Jesus, Becca!” His hands dove into the hair behind my neck and he pulled me forward, taking my lips for his own. “Open your fucking mouth, Becs!” he snapped with annoyance against my lips.
I think I meant to argue, but didn’t get the chance. My white flag went up and I let his tongue have its way with mine. After a few minutes, he pulled away and topped it off with a soft peck.
“There ... was that so hard, baby?”
We stood forehead to forehead. I didn’t say anything. I was trying to catch my breath and muster up the energy to remind him that we were just friends. “I’m going to go check on the girls. Should I send them to the kitchen?” His thumb traced my lip.
Goodbye Secrets Page 20