Goodbye Secrets

  “Of course, baby.” He chucked my chin and planted a soft kiss on my lips. I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him tightly to me. He had just the right amount of chest hair, and it tickled my face. “Hey. Hey, baby, are you okay?” He rubbed my back.

  “Yes.” I smiled up at him. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was home. “I have to brush my teeth.” I leaned up and kissed him again before I let go. The credits were rolling on the TV. “So, which movie did we not watch?” I asked as I walked into the bathroom.

  “Uh, Good Will Hunting,” he said as he turned on the side lamp and shut off the TV. I brushed my teeth and washed my face. As I dried off, I glanced into the mirror to find Ray leaning against the doorframe, chewing the inside of his lip and smiling.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Enjoying the view.” He glanced down. It suddenly dawned on me that I had no panties on and had been bending over the sink. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. He walked up behind me and kissed my hair as he grabbed my toothbrush. I watched him apply toothpaste and brush his teeth ... with my brush. Hmm. I guessed there was no point in mentioning the swapping of germs! “C’mon,” he said as he rinsed and shook off my brush.

  We walked out and both climbed onto my side of the bed. Guess we were sharing. I didn’t mind, though, being wrapped so tightly in his arms. He grabbed his phone and set his alarm.

  I remember waking up the next morning with a slight hangover and a folded note in front of the alarm clock. I sat up and opened it.

  Good morning, baby,

  I hope you have a good day with the girls. My day has already started out fantastically! It always does when I wake up next to you. I don’t know how I’m going to wipe this stupid grin off my face today. I’ll see you around five tonight.

  Love, Ray

  P.S. Loved that you called me “baby” last night!

  Don’t forget Bill is stopping by today.

  You look so beautiful ... I hate leaving! XXX

  “What are you smiling about?” His voice pulls me back to the here and now.

  “Oh, the note you left me. That was lovely.”

  “Wait! You haven’t gotten to the wedding yet?” He widens his eyes.

  “No. To you, these are just memories. I feel like I’m experiencing them all for the first time,” I explain.

  “Christ, Becca, we’ll be here for a week! Actually, I wouldn’t mind that.”

  “I called you baby, huh?” I’m a little taken aback by this.

  “Yes. You only do it when you are drunk or high.” He frowns.

  High? Oh yeah ... the ecstasy.

  “Well, what happened with the whole note thing?” I can’t seem to remember. What else is new?

  “Oh! The ‘lovely note’?” he says. I can tell by his air quotation marks that it was not pretty. “Well, let’s see. Between waking up with a hangover, in my shirt, with no panties, no recollection of the night before, and the ‘lovely note’—it’s safe to say you flipped out a little. Well, a little is an understatement.” He sighs.

  “What happened?”

  “You called me at work. Like an idiot, I was so excited when my secretary said you were on the line. I actually thought you were as giddy and ridiculously happy as I was.” He shakes his head. “I picked up the phone and was all like, ‘Hey, beautiful!’ Hearts flying out of my eyes ... sunshine beaming from my ass.”

  “Really? Sunshine was beaming out of your ass?” I giggle.

  “Shh.” His finger touches my lips. Giggle stifled. “‘How dare you get me drunk and take advantage of me? What did you do, you selfish son of a bitch?’ you yelled. I actually felt my heart breaking. I didn’t say anything. I just hung up on you. I told Gwen to clear my schedule for the day, that I had to go get Annie—she was sick. I left and went right to the inn to pick her up. I walked in through the store entrance and saw you in your office. You looked up and saw me.”

  “I remember.” I put my hand up to his mouth.

  “Good. You think about it, because I really don’t want to go through all that again.” His jawline twitches, and I wince.

  “You were very mad.” I kiss him.

  “Baby, you have no idea. I was so tired of you hurting me. I just wanted to smack you hard across the face and be done with you.” A tear escapes the corner of his eye.

  “You should’ve run from me, Ray.” I kiss his lips over and over again. “I’ve never been good enough for you. You deserve better than me.”

  “Don’t say that, baby. You are everything to me. You are the center of my universe. I’ve tried being without you ... several times. The pain is far worse than when I’m putting up with your bullshit. I need you, baby. You are like air to me. Without you, Becs, I can’t breathe.” His kiss becomes urgent. “Sorry, c’mon. Go back to the memory. I need to bring you back to me.” He pulls away.

  What does he mean? I wonder before I refocus.

  I opened my office door. I was so upset and confused.

  “What are you doing here?” I snapped.

  “I’m picking Annie up. Where is she?” His tone was flat, but he was obviously irritated. He clenched and unclenched his fist, looking everywhere but at me.

  “She’s in the kitchen, eating her breakfast. Don’t you think we should talk?” I asked angrily through my teeth.

  “What the fuck is there to say, Becca? You drink, you do shit you don’t remember, and then you fucking yell at me for it! Well, I’m done! I’m going to grab Annie and I’ll be out of your hair—and your life!” His eyes turned into a storm and his jawline pulsated.

  “Yeah, now that you got what you wanted! You like all your women incoherent?” I pushed him.

  “That’s what you think of me? That’s who you think I am?” A look of rage passed over his face. Never in the year had I known him had I ever seen that expression. He grabbed my arm and forced me into the crop room, slamming the door behind us. He shoved me up against the wall.

  “Let me tell you something, baby! If I fucked you last night, there is no question that you would be one sore little girl today!” He was all teeth and anger. “It’s official, Becca! I fucking hate you! I hate you!” he screamed in my face and pounded on the wall next to my head. The next thing I knew, his mouth was on mine. It was raw and painful. He cupped my chin harshly with his hand and pushed my head back; it slammed against the wall. He walked away and out of the crop room. I slid down and cried on the floor. A few minutes later, I heard Annie saying that she didn’t want to go. Then I heard nothing but a truck’s engine starting outside, and the sound of it speeding away.

  “Did you really hate me?”

  “Obviously not, Becs. I just ... I really needed you. I was counting on that bid. Remember, it was a multimillion-dollar one, and I thought it was in the bag. To have that pulled out from under me—it was devastating. I was worried and I needed you and just when I thought you were finally there for me ... you pulled that rug out from under me as well. Had that happened at a different time, I wouldn’t have reacted the way I did.” He thumbs away my tears.

  This is so hard to listen to and remember. All I’ve ever done is hurt him. All he’s ever done is try to love me and be patient. I didn’t do any of it on purpose, but that certainly doesn’t make me feel like any less of an asshole.

  “Well, how did we end up at the wedding? That was only a few days later.”

  “Hmm? Oh, my mother had a hand in that. I love you, Becs.” He kisses me again.

  “I know you do, Ray. I love you, too. How did your mother have a hand in it?” I need him to stay focused.

  “My parents came down that day because we were all going to go to Boston together on Saturday. With everything going on, I forgot they were coming. My mom could tell that I was really upset about something. She and I took a walk while my dad stayed with Annie. My mom had always known what I was dealing with when it comes to you. I needed someone to talk to, Becca, and I’ve always been close to her.”

  I thin
k he’s waiting for me to be upset about this, but I love Elise very much and I love his relationship with her. I love my relationship with her. I’m glad he had somebody to turn to.

  “It’s okay, baby, go ahead.” I touch his face. He takes in a sharp breath. “What? It’s okay that you talked to her. I’m glad you talked to someone.”

  “Um ... well, I told her what had happened with the bid, and then with you—without full detail, of course. I told her about your reaction and accusation, and then my reaction. She said, ‘Son, if you love her, it will all work out. I know she loves you. I have proof. When we get back to the house, I’m a-gonna show you somethin’, sweetie.’ Then she said, ‘Ray, I know this alls been tough on you, but that girl’s been through somethin’ awful. I think she has PTSD, son. She just needs a good therapist, some time, and some Ray McNeil. She’ll come around, sweetheart. Now we goin’ pick her up like we was plannin’. I’m a goin’ give my baby girl a talkin’ to today. Ain’t nobody quittin’ on nobody. She loves ya, son. Have faith in God’s plan, baby, it’ll all work out.’” Ray always does an excellent imitation of his mother’s sweet Georgia accent.

  “I love your mother even more for saying all of that.” Suddenly, my heart breaks for what she must be thinking of me now.

  “She’s always loved you, baby.” He smiles warmly. “Do you remember her stopping by that day?” He plays with a strand of my hair. I try to think back. Oh, yes! I nod. “Will you tell me as you remember it?” He kisses my nose.

  “Yes. Um, let’s see. I was just cleaning up from lunch, and she startled me. ‘Whadju make today, darlin’?’ I turned around and immediately ran into her arms. Her blue eyes were bright with tears and her hair was perfect and silver as always.” I smile.

  “My silver fox.” Ray smiles, too, at his nickname for her.

  “She said, ‘You got a minute, baby girl? We need to have us a walk.’ I nodded and kissed her cheek again. ‘There, there now, baby, everythin’ gonna be all right. Let’s go get us some fresh air.’ We took a walk up toward the trails. ‘Ray told me you two had an argument this mornin’. Becca, he’s beside himself, honey. You know my Raymond loves you. Ever since he met you, he’s been head over heels, darlin’. Now you two have been togetha for a year now, you’re still figurin’ each other out.’

  “I said, ‘Elise, Ray and I are just friends.’

  “‘Becca, now I’m goin’ stop you right there, baby girl! What you been tellin’ yo’self and what you been showin’ the rest of the world are two differn’ thins’, honey. When ya’ll come up an’ visit me an’ Artie, you an’ Ray are kissin’, playin’ and touchin’ like a pair a teenagers. When we take day trips with ya’ll—it’s the same thin’. Now I don’t think it’s intentional, but you been flippin’ yo switch with him since the beginnin’, honey, and he’s just ‘bout had it. I know what happened to you was very traumatic, but I think it’s high time you went an’ saw somebody to help you through that. You need to do it for yo’self and for Ray, honey. You can’t keep stringin’ him along. You can’t be kissin’ and lovin’ one moment and pushin’ him away the next. He’s been nuttin’ but good to you and Morgan, Becca. He takes care of you the best way he can. Now we goin’ pick you up for this weddin’ and you are goin’ to act and be the attentive girlfriend Raymond needs and deserves. An’ you goin’ stay attentive an’ not flip out an’ embarrass him. I hope you know I love you, sweetheart, an’ I’m not tryin’ to be the bitchy mother-in-law, but I love my son, too. He needs his girl, Becca. He’s goin’ through a tough time an’ he jus’ needs you. You goin’ to come and leave this baggage behind!’” I take in a deep breath.

  “Mother-in-law, huh?” He smiles.

  “Oh, yes. She always refers to herself that way and introduces me as her daughter-in-law.” I smile because I never minded. I love her.

  “So what did you say to all of that?” His eyes widen.

  “What I always say to your mother when she gives me a ‘what for’... Yes, ma’am.” I laugh.

  “Mmm ... you were so very, very attentive, baby. Do—you—remember?” He pecks at my lips.

  Oh God, I want to be with him. The memories are sucking me in—confusing me. I need to stop. “Close your eyes and think about the wedding. Do you remember us picking you up? My dad drove ...”

  I nod.

  It was noon when they arrived. I was sick to my stomach with nerves. I hadn’t seen or talked to Ray since Thursday morning when he declared his hatred for me.

  My hair was in an updo with soft curls. It looked flowy and carefree, but it was cemented in place with product. My dress was a plum chiffon halter top that ended just above my knees. I accessorized with the one-carat, pear-shaped diamond earrings and matching necklace that Ray gave me for my birthday. I added the diamond tennis bracelet from Mother’s Day and a few spritzes of the Birmane perfume he bought me—just because. I took one last look in the mirror before I headed down with my overnight bag.

  “Hi, Becca!” Annie ran to me. She gasped. “You look beautiful!”

  I smiled and thanked her, but all I could concentrate on was the heat from Ray’s stare.

  “Morgan’s in her room, honey. You girls be good for Hazel, okay?” I tapped her bottom.

  “We will!” she yelled and ran off. I grabbed my bag again and headed toward Ray. I could feel my face flush.

  “Let me take that.” He reached for it. His face was so close to mine. He stood back up, my bag in his hand, and stared at me intently. I moved closer ‘til my body was pressed up against his. I licked my lips and leaned up toward him. It was a very vulnerable kiss, and I pulled away reluctantly. His gaze remained intense. I leaned up and did it again. He responded slightly. I cupped his face with my hands and put a little more urgency into my kiss. He parted his lips and I deepened the kiss with a slip of my tongue. His tongue greeted mine, softly caressing it.

  “C’mon,” he whispered when he pulled away. He took my hand and led me out to the car. Artie was driving and Elise was in the front passenger seat.

  “Well, hi, darlin’!” She got out of the car to greet me. “Now, don’t you look beautiful, baby? Doesn’t she look beautiful, son?” She held me at arm’s length.

  “She always does, Mama.” His smile seemed reluctant. “Mama, I’m gonna sit with Daddy up front.”

  “No, son, you’re goin’ sit in the back with your girlfriend,” she stated with her Southern authority.

  “She’s not my girlfriend, Mama. I’m not sure what she is. Maybe you could clarify that for us, Becca. What are you to me?” The words were snarky—he was still angry. I looked down and played with my fingers like a child would. “What are you, Becca?” he yelled, making me jump.

  “Raymond!” Elise snapped.

  “Stay out of this, Mama! What are you, Becca? Tell me!” He grabbed my arms.

  “Raymond, that’s enough, son!” Artie got out of the driver’s seat and raised his voice. I looked up at Ray, tears slipping from the pools in my eyes.

  “Tell me,” he said calmly.

  “I’m yours. I’m yours, Ray,” I cried. He released my arms and grasped my face instead. I heard his mother tell his father to get back into the car. Both of their doors closed and I was lost in a kiss with Ray.

  “C’mon now.” He gave me a small peck and nodded toward the back seat. We both got in.

  Our two-hour drive to Boston started out pretty silent.

  “Your jewelry is pretty, baby.” His mom turned and pointed.

  “Oh, thank you. Every piece is from Ray. These two were for my birthday, and this one was for Mother’s Day.” I pointed to each piece proudly, then glanced over at Ray to catch his satisfied smile. I sat back a little closer to him. He wrapped me in his arms.

  “I’ve missed you,” he whispered in my ear.

  “I missed you, too.” I welcomed his lips on mine.

  “I can’t wait to get you to our hotel room and get inside of you.” I turned my eyes sharply to meet his. He stared at me as if I wa
s a steak and he hadn’t eaten in weeks. I swallowed hard and decided to engage the McNeils in conversation the rest of the way down to Boston.

  “Jesus, Ray!” I say when I open my eyes.

  “Now what did I do?” He smiles, looking half asleep.

  “What you said to me in the car on the way down to Boston.”

  “Hmm ... your cheeks went bright red. Go back. It’s about to get real hot.” He rubs and squeezes my bum. I close my eyes and try to forget what his touch is doing to me.

  We checked in at the Harbor Hotel and headed upstairs to our room. It was nice, with a king-sized bed and a large window with a view of the harbor. The rich blues, reds, and golds in the fabric used for the bedding, drapery, and chairs added a romantic feel to the room. I had been through the lobby of this hotel a million times, but this was the first time I’d actually stepped into a room. I found it to be quite lovely.

  We had another hour before we had to catch the shuttle to the wedding. Thankfully, the reception was back here at the hotel.

  “I used to go whale watching from here.” I pointed to the boats at the docks. Ray walked up behind me.

  “Why don’t we do that tomorrow?”

  “Eh, I don’t know. It’s four and a half hours. That wouldn’t be fair to Hazel.” I sighed, then gasped as his hands ran up my thighs, hiking my dress up.

  “Are you mine, Becca?” He spoke softly in my ear. My breathing was erratic as he kissed my neck.

  “Yes.” I breathed.

  “Is this mine?” His right hand caressed me between my legs. I could feel the heat rise to my cheeks as the want in me grew. My core tightened. My panties were on the verge, if they weren’t already, of soaking through.

  “Oh, um ... yes.” I closed my eyes.

  “Good. I want what’s mine, baby. Now.” He turned me to him and unzipped my dress.

  “This unhooks here.” I showed him the hook in the front, which unfastened the fabric from the halter position. I unbuttoned his shirt as he worked at my strapless bra. I ran my hands up his chest to his shoulders, pushing his shirt off of them.

  “Baby, I’m not going to stop.” He thumbed my lip.