“Yeah, I think I got the memo on that.” I kissed his thumb. “You got the skills to get the job done without messing my hair up, McNeil?” I gave him the thug nod—one of our many inside jokes.
“Bravery without wine ... I’m impressed, baby.” Half boyish grin.
“I’ve got my big-girl pants on,” I agreed.
“Hmm.” He hooked his fingers under the elastic of my panties and whipped them down. “Not anymore, babe.” I thought about bringing up the fact that he basically just called my panties big, but the fact that he was biting me down near the apex of my groin was a bit distracting.
I closed my eyes and fisted his hair to brace myself. His mouth traveled up to my stomach, and he dove his tongue deep into my navel as his fingers slowly separated me and plunged inside.
“Ah!” I gasped.
“Oh, baby, you’re so ready for me.” He pulled his fingers out and sucked my taste off of them. He slid his hands up my body as he came to a standing position again. He stared down into my eyes as I unbuckled his belt and worked at the button and zipper of his pants. “You okay, baby?” He touched my cheek.
“I love you, Ray. I want to be with you.” I leaned my head into his touch.
“You love me?” He seemed unsure.
“I do. I can’t imagine my life without you.” I remember feeling the guilt rise as I said it. Why did I feel guilty?
“Becs, baby ... stay with me. Focus, honey, please. Stay with me. Don’t do this, baby ... please. You promised you wouldn’t flip out. Damn it!” His mouth was on mine with a sense of urgency. He brought me down to the bed.
“Ray ... Ray.” I felt the panic coming on. What was I doing? Ray thrust himself inside of me. I could feel myself aching as I expanded around him.
“Becca ... oh God, baby.”
I closed my eyes, soaking in the sensation of Ray making love to me. I felt myself focusing and calming down. I opened my eyes to find Ray’s tormented ones.
“Let me hold you,” I begged, and glanced at my arms. He had them pinned.
“Oh, Becs.” He released them and found my mouth. I held on to his back as my hips met his powerful thrusts. He felt so good ... so right. I couldn’t get close enough to him. I know he felt the same. He was trying to climb higher—deeper into me—and my hips were coming off the bed to meet him, help him. All of the sudden, I felt it come on. It was like a choir of angels singing out the most beautiful note.
“Oh, Ray. Oh, baby. Please. Please,” I practically cried. The choir broke out the chorus section of Madonna’s “Like a Prayer.” He worked me through my quakes—there were so many of them!—all the while egging me on. I began to squeeze around him.
“Oh God, Becs. Oh, baby. Jesus ... agh!” He groaned and scrunched his face. “Baby. Baby, wait. Oh ... oh, Becca ... oh, honey.” His lips formed a perfect “O” shape as he came inside of me so deeply I couldn’t help my added whimper of approval. The full weight of his body crashed down on top of me as he tried to catch his breath. He nudged my lips with his as he reached down and slowly pulled himself out, making me wince. “Becs ... I’m sorry.”
“For what?” I touched his cheek.
“Um ... I, uh ... well, I wasn’t prepared.”
“Are you saying we just had a whoops?” I propped myself up on my elbows and looked down.
“Uh ... yeah.” He bit the inside of his cheek.
“We should be all right. I’m on the Pill.” A look of relief came over his face, but a furrowed brow quickly followed.
“Why are you on the Pill, and why didn’t I know?”
“For the men I randomly sleep with at different expensive hotels. And because I didn’t want you to know about them.” I held my hand up to my mouth like I accidentally released secret information.
“Smartass! I’m just surprised I didn’t know. I know everything about you, Becs.” He laid his head back on the pillow.
“Oh, you think you do. But you don’t.” I rested my chin on his chest.
“Ray.” I nudge him.
“Huh? Oh ... hi, baby.” He smiles and kisses me.
“Why are you so tired today?”
“I was up most of the night working on a special Christmas gift.” He winks.
“So now, in my memories, I’ve made love to you without any help from wine. How long did it last? That whole attentive-girlfriend thing?” I’m confused. It should’ve been settled then, because both Ray and Elise called me out on my behavior.
“It was gone by Monday morning.” He sighs.
“Oh, Ray, I’m sorry.”
“Well, we made love a lot that weekend. It recharged my dealing-with-it batteries. You also started to see Patricia about your past. I felt hopeful that one day you would look into my eyes and say, ‘I’m ready to be yours, Ray. I’m ready for us. I’m ready for our present and our future. I’m ready to be all you need now.’” I watch as his chin quivers and his eyes fill up. Oh, why did he stay? How could he stay and wait for me like this? My heart is aching for him—for me.
“I don’t deserve you. You didn’t deserve me.” I wipe his tears.
“Why don’t I deserve the girl of my dreams? Why am I not good enough for you? Why couldn’t I ... why can’t I fix your heart? What could I have done differently?” His eyes are like the ocean in the middle of a hurricane.
“It wasn’t your job to fix it. I needed to be ready to face what happened to me. I was stuck between two worlds—two lives, really. Reliving these memories ... Ray, I’m realizing that I felt everything with you that I feel with Grayson. I think my mind just wasn’t ready to listen to my heart. I thought I just loved you, but that I’m in love with Grayson. It turns out ... I’m in love with you, too. What am I supposed to do with that, Ray?” I stop when his lips quiet my mouth. “Honestly, how did you put up with this for so long? I know you love me, but this is a lot to deal with. I feel like I’m Lucy from 50 First Dates,” I say, and Ray starts laughing. “What?” I give a toothy smile.
“I tried to do what Henry did in that movie. Sometimes it would work a little. I also refer to us as Allie and Noah from The Notebook. Those movies actually help me a little. They give me inspiration. Mostly, you are Lucy. Forgetful Lucy, and Peanuts Lucy where I am Charlie Brown always thinking, ‘This time ... I know she won’t pull the football away!’ Then I land on my ass and wonder ... when am I ever going to learn?” He sighs as he lays his head next to mine.
“So, when I clearly didn’t remember what happened, you would just pretend with me?” I don’t think I’d be able to do that!
“Yeah, I learned how to read you. When you have a few glasses in you or you’re on painkillers for something, my chances are really high. Whenever we go to Maine to be with my parents, you’re ultra-focused on me. Actually, whenever my mom is around, you are very on as my girlfriend. I always tell my mom she’s got some sort of spell over you.” He chuckles lightly.
“I love your mom. It probably stems from me not wanting to disappoint her, something psychological with me losing my mother so early. I am quite the case, huh?” I laugh, but it’s really sad, actually.
“Whatever it is, I keep begging them to move here! Oh, baby, you’re so good when we go to Maine.” His lips are on mine again. His tongue slides across them, beckoning me to open up. I allow him to deepen the kiss, then match his urgency. He pushes me on my back and his hand dives into my pants, under my panties. Jesus, I never did refasten from his earlier attempt! “God, baby, is this all from me?”
“Yes,” I answer. His fingers swirl around, spreading my wetness. My hips betray me again. Country Sybecca is flying around her stripper pole, and her Daisy Dukes are MIA. “Ahh!” I gasp as his fingers plunge deep inside of me. “Ray ... Ray, no.” Panic sets in.
“Shh ... stop, baby.”
Country Sybecca holds onto the pole. Running around it, she jumps into the air like a Ninja Warrior and kicks Cautionary Sybecca in the head, rendering her unconscious. Her red ticker board lies on top of her ... screen sma
shed ... message not received. Country Sybecca is back to working the pole. Horny Sybecca is coaching her on how to bounce that ass.
“Ray ... oh God, Ray.” I clench his shirt in my fists as I rise. One lonely beam of white light hits the stage in a perfect circle. Operatic Sybecca steps into it, Viking helmet intact. Hmm ... she’s new. She opens up her mouth and lets out a beautiful, deafening sound. Ray works me through my last quakes and muffles my cries with his mouth. He pulls away and stares at me. His hand slides out from between my legs and onto my bare hip.
“I love you, Becca,” he whispers.
“I love you.” I lean up and kiss him.
I feel my nose flare as I try to hold my tears back. My heart is breaking. At this moment, I realize I am deeply in love with both Ray and Grayson, and that today, I will lose them both. Grayson will walk away once he finds out what went on in here—if he doesn’t already know. Ray will walk away at the end of our trip down memory lane, because I will tell him that I’m having Grayson’s baby. I will be alone, just me and Morgan and now this little one. I’ve thrown everything away. I feel so selfish and fucked up!
“Baby, stay with me. Don’t leave me, baby ... come back.” Ray kisses me. “I’ll never stop fighting for you. I love you. Please, Becca ... come back ... don’t go.” I return his kisses.
“I’m here. I’m not leaving,” I reassure him.
“Next memory?” he asks, kissing my tears away.
“Okay, baby.” I try to regroup. Ray’s eyes light up. I just close mine and listen.
“The next time you showed me any affection was right before Christmas, when you fell off Rocco and smashed your arm. God, you really did a number on it.” He grabs my arm and kisses my surgery scars. You can barely see them now, but Ray knows just where every single one is.
“You took such good care of me, Ray. You were so tired, running your business during the day and mine at night. I was so out of it from the meds. Not that I could do much with my arm like that anyway.” I look at it all better now.
“Baby, I wasn’t just exhausted from running both businesses. You were on painkillers around the clock, and we had sex at least three to five times a day! You were insatiable, baby ... and I loved every minute of it!” If his smile could get any bigger, I think it would swallow his face. “It was a very merry Christmas.” He chuckles.
My mind flashes through a montage sex tape of Ray and me during that time. I feel my face flush as I watch myself riding him hard, begging him to make me sore. Us up against the shower wall, in my closet, on the round table in my room ... the floor ... the dresser. Yeah, we pretty much covered every surface. Porn Sybecca pulls up a chair and takes out a legal pad. Apparently, my blow jobs are noteworthy. From the look on Ray’s face in the memory reel, he would agree.
“Wow! You’ve must’ve cried when I didn’t need the pain pills anymore.” I giggle.
“It was bittersweet. I knew it would be a while again, yet I was exhausted and welcomed the break. As I said, baby, you were insatiable.” He rubs my belly gently. Reminding me.
“What’s next?” I mentally shake myself away from thoughts of the baby. He takes a deep breath and blows it out aggressively through his lips, trying to think.
“Um, took you up to Maine for your birthday weekend. That was nice. I love watching you and my mother together. You genuinely love each other. It makes me feel good ... complete.” He rests his head on the throw pillow again.
“I love your mom so much.” I turn my head to add a smile to my comment.
“When we made love that Saturday morning, it was the most intense, beautiful thing I have ever experienced. I’m pretty sure you felt the same. We were both in tears. That’s never happened to me before.” He speaks softly, his forefinger playing lightly at my lips.
“You being the King of Alpha males and all,” I tease. His words overwhelm me—I can’t help it. He gives me a knowing smirk. I close my eyes, trying to remember that morning.
I awoke to find Ray looking out the window. The sun was slowly trying to rise. I looked at the clock. It was a quarter of seven. I was naked and felt a little sore, and then I remembered that Ray and I made love for the first time the night before.
My giggles pull me back to the here and now.
“What?” Ray raises his lips into an inquisitive smile.
“Oh, Ray.” I laugh. “It seems that every time with you really is like the first time.” I shake my head at myself.
“Yes, Lucy, it is.” He makes me laugh harder.
“Okay, let me get back.” I pull myself together and shut my eyes.
I gathered myself up in the quilt and walked up behind him.
“Hi.” I kissed his back. He was shirtless, wearing just his PJ bottoms.
“Hi.” He continued to stare out the window.
“What are you thinking about?” I asked, my stomach in knots. Did he regret what happened last night?
“Us,” he said with a sigh.
“Um ... Ray, nothing has to come of last night. We got caught up in a moment ... it’s okay.” I patted his shoulder, then immediately felt stupid for doing so. I turned to find my PJs, trying to feel unaffected by this moment. I felt his hands on my hips.
“You think I regret last night?” He kissed my shoulder.
“Um ... yeah.” I turned to him. The quilt was wrapped under my arms like an oversized towel. I couldn’t seem to pull my eyes up to look into his, so I stared at the knotty pine floor instead.
“God, is there any moment of the day that you don’t look beautiful?” He pushed my hair behind my ear and grazed my cheek with his knuckles. I finally found the strength to look up at him. His hands cupped my face and he stared at me like he either hadn’t seen me in years, or worse, like he was never going to see me again. He looked like he was making a memory.
“Is something wrong?” I couldn’t help my shaky voice.
“I’m just ... I’m so in love with you. Becca, I have never felt this way before. It hurts.” And with that, he collected my lips with his own. It was reluctant, sweet, like he was tasting me for the first time—or the last. He pulled the quilt from me as he deepened the kiss. I crawled back onto the bed. He crawled with me, our mouths never losing contact.
My neck arched, pulling my mouth away as he entered me slowly. He grasped my hip for leverage as he tried to fill me to capacity. I released a gasping moan. It was painful and wonderful all at the same time. He pulled back slowly, then plunged into me. I held onto the small of his back and his right cheek, trying to help him reach the place he was aiming for. It was slow. It was urgent. It was so many things. I was overwhelmed by what I was feeling, by what my body was feeling. My orgasm was like no other I’ve ever had before. It was sweet and tight, lingering little blossoms, a ceremonious eruption. I cried as he came undone as well.
Ray finished his last wave as the sun was slowly showing itself into our room. His eyes were damp like mine. He tried to blink it back, but a drop fell on my cheek. I reached up and wiped the tear with two fingers, then kissed the saltiness off without ever losing contact with his eyes. I ran my lips over his, enticing him to kiss me. His mouth made love to my mouth ‘til we heard the girls laughing as they ran down the hall. Ray smiled against my lips before he pulled away. He watched me as he pulled out. I think he liked to see me wince.
The rest of the day was wonderful, although Ray seemed a bit off. I was, too. The remnants of my orgasm stayed with me all day, like an itch I couldn’t scratch.
We took the girls ice-skating at a local rink after we spent time in the snow. Elise and I cooked up a feast! Thank God we’re two hours apart, because her Southern cooking would push me right into a size fourteen!
It was a much-needed break for me. The inn was a lot busier than I had expected—or hoped for. I barely took any time off, but Elise called and demanded I come up for my birthday. As usual, “Yes, ma’am” was all I could say. Ray needed the break too; he had been getting so snippy.
That night,
after Ray and I went to bed, the most amazing thing happened when he entered me. I had a full-blown, bone-chilling orgasm.
“What the hell was that, baby?” He looked at me, his eyes wide. I was on top of him, and I guess he scratched my itch perfectly at this angle.
“Remnants from earlier,” I said, a little embarrassed. And then it was like I poured a can of fuel on the fire—he was ignited! He threw me back and held my left leg up as he pounded into me. He moved my leg over toward my right and flipped me in one swift motion, then pulled my hips up so I was on my knees.
“Holy shit!” I gasped in shock of the acrobatics. I pushed my face into the pillow to muffle my groans and let him have at it. At the pace he was going, it didn’t take him long to unravel.
“Thank ... you ... ma’am!” He said each word with each of his final thrusts, then rested on my back before he pulled out and settled down beside me. I slowly let my knees slide back so I was lying on my belly. I half expected to be in the next room over when I raised my head. He fucked me so hard, surely the bed went through the wall!
“Hi.” He smiled, rubbing my bum.
“Um, hi. All better now?” I giggled.
“Hmm, yeah.” He quickly slid his tongue into my mouth. “You feel so good, baby. You taste so good.”
We made love again that night before falling asleep. He took me twice Sunday morning. His mood shifted greatly after we packed and headed downstairs for some of his Southern mama’s breakfast. They went for an hour-long walk. When they came back, Elise was visibly upset. Ray was, too.
“Is everything all right?” I asked, unsure of what was going on. I began to wonder if I did something wrong. Elise just hugged me and said everything was fine. When it was time to leave, she pulled me in for a fierce hug.
“I love you, baby girl. Ray loves you.” She started crying.
“Elise, Mama ... what’s wrong?” When I called her mama, she just cried and hugged me harder.
“You be good now, ya hear?” She smiled through her tears. Ray looked uncomfortable. No one was telling me anything.
Goodbye Secrets Page 23