Goodbye Secrets

by Jacquelyn Ayres

“Let’s go, baby,” Ray said quietly, and grabbed my hand. Something told me not to pry.

  We left. Our drive focused on conversations with the girls. Ray listened to sports on the radio. I read my book. Everything felt so ... different. Something wasn’t right. I kept looking at him. He was deep in thought. It felt like we arrived at the inn too quickly, and yet I was looking forward to breathing in the atmosphere of normal. The girls took off running once he pulled in.

  “Annie—damn it!” he yelled and hit his steering wheel.

  “Ray, did I do something wrong?” I fought back my tears.

  “No, baby, I’m just tired, and I have a hell of a week coming up.” He sighed. I was not convinced, but got out of the truck anyhow. He followed me into the inn to get Annie.

  “Can you guys stay for dinner?” Morgan asked, and Annie nodded.

  “No. Sorry, Morgan. We have to go. Annie, get in the truck,” he said sternly. Annie hugged Morgan and walked out with her head down. Morgan went off to find Hazel. Ray and I were left—feeling awkward. Something wasn’t right between us, and it broke my heart. “Why are you crying, baby?” He sounded defeated.

  “I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?” I couldn’t help snapping at him through my tears.

  “I’ll see you on Wednesday.” He kissed my forehead and left.

  I open my eyes.

  “You hurt me. You made me feel used!”

  “Terrible feeling, isn’t it?” he asks defensively. I sit up and cry out, feeling that old pain. “Becca, that weekend was very difficult for me. I decided to ‘break up’ with you. I just couldn’t do it anymore. It was killing me, baby.” He rubs my back.

  “I remember ... well, I remember you being very distant from me. You only talked to me about the girls. You stopped eating dinner with us on Wednesdays, then coming over altogether. I stopped asking you if you were mad at me, and no longer called you about things around the inn.”

  “Yeah, that pissed me off. That, and you dancing with Will—fucking asshole!” Ray has always gotten irritated at the mere mention of Will.

  “You started dating ... what was her name?” I wince, trying to recall.

  “Michelle.” He clears his throat.

  “Did you? With her?” I suddenly feel hostile over something that happened three years ago that I have no right to feel anything over. Ray looks up at the ceiling. “Did you find it?” I glance up as well, leaning toward him.

  “What?”

  “Your answer. Is it up there?” I elbow him playfully.

  “I have needs, Becca. It wasn’t like being with you. She was nothing like you in any way, shape, or form.” He sighs.

  “Why did you start coming around again?” I lean my head on his shoulder.

  “There were several reasons.” He rests his head against mine, grabs my hand, and plays with my fingers.

  “Name them.”

  “Uh, well, first, I couldn’t stand being apart from you. It was killing me. Second, Annie was pissed and she hated Michelle. My mother nagged me and cried all the time. I felt like I was cheating on you. I didn’t like what Will was saying around town, and it wasn’t even that bad back then. I just didn’t like that he wanted you and made it known.” He brings my hand up to his lips and pecks softly at it over and over again. I nudge him with it, silently asking him to continue. “I was at the pub with Michelle one night. We were dancing. I didn’t realize you had walked in with Stacey. I looked up and saw your face. You looked as if someone stole the breath from your lungs.” He glances over at me.

  “That’s exactly how I felt. I felt my heart break. I wasn’t exactly sure why. Well, no, that’s not true. I guess I just thought you were mine even though I didn’t think you were mine. It’s complicated.”

  “Ya think?” He laughs.

  “Stacey made me stay and have a drink. I remember her badgering me. ‘Don’t let him think you care. You did nothing wrong! We’re gonna have a good time. Just act like he’s not here!’ she said as she started texting. I asked who she was texting and tried to look, but she hit send. ‘Just Steve!’ she said as we sat at the bar. We ordered our drinks. Her phone pinged. She smiled wickedly, texted real quick, and put her phone away. I knew she was up to something, I just didn’t know what.”

  “And then magically ... as if on cue ... Will shows up with his fucking touchy-feely paws!” Ray raises his hands, wiggling his fingers for emphasis. “Fucking Stacey!” he snaps.

  “You know she did that?” I look at him shocked.

  “Oh, she made sure I knew! She kept giving me her wicked F.U. smile! Then, while you two were dancing, she texted me, Cute couple, huh?”

  I can’t help but laugh a little. Stacey’s always had a big pair! I think she kept them tucked away in her clutch purse.

  I remember Will coming up from behind me.

  “I was walking by and got distracted by the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen. Have you seen her?” he asked, and looked around. It made me laugh.

  Of course, I knew he was talking about me. That was always his way of flirting with me— acting uninterested in a playful, sarcastic way. Usually, he was trying to talk me out of “my crush” on him. He didn’t feel right dating students.

  “Oh, they are playing our song, Becca, let’s go now!” He grabbed my hand and led me onto the empty floor. We started dancing to “Halo” by Beyoncé. It was a sultry, seductive piece that we had been practicing. His hands were very suggestive ... well, the whole dance was, actually. He pulled me up out of my arched back for the finish. “You did awesome, baby!” He smiled, hugging me and kissing my cheek. “Damn, you’re a natural!” He slapped my hip playfully.

  “Stop!” I laughed, then turned to find Ray at his table—front row to the dance floor. His nostrils were flaring and jawline pulsating. His eyes kept scanning from Will back to me. The look on his face was nasty. His girlfriend was trying to talk to him, but he wasn’t breaking from his very concentrated stare-down. I felt like a child getting caught out past curfew or something. That was so un-Ray-like. It was sorta hot!

  Will grabbed my hand and led me back to the bar. Stacey had a few guys around her. Fucking Stacey! I was on my third glass of wine, feeling on the edge of tipsy. Will seemed to become more flirtatious—more touchy-feely. I knew it was time to go. He was starting to make me feel uncomfortable.

  “No, c’mon, one more dance, baby.” Will cupped my face and rested his forehead against mine. That is, until Ray grabbed him by the back of his shirt and threw him off of me.

  “Keep your fucking hands off of her!” he yelled. The music stopped so we could have everybody’s full attention.

  Will got up and pushed him back.

  “She’s not yours anymore, Ray! She’s free to date who she wants!”

  Ray went to go after him, but I jumped in the middle.

  “Stop it, you two!” I yelled. The lights came on—just in case people couldn’t see, I guess. So at about eleven in the evening the music was off and the lights on in the busiest, most popular bar in Ashland, New Hampshire. Guess we were a real showstopper! That and, this being a small town in New Hampshire, there’s not much going on.

  “Are you kidding me, Ray? You’re fighting over your ex-girlfriend?” Michelle yelled from the sidelines. Ex-girlfriend?

  I guess Ray read the question on my face.

  “Don’t ... don’t you fucking dare say it, Becca,” he said in an angry whisper near my ear. I could see Stacey trying to nonchalantly give me the slashing-across-her-neck sign—her code to not ask the question either.

  Michelle took Ray’s intentional tuning her out as her cue to leave the bar—and him. Smart girl. Ray stared into my eyes. I did the only thing I could think to do. My answer to everything. I bit my lip. He thumbed it free and leaned forward to kiss me. I pulled my head away from him. This only provoked him to fist my hair with one hand and palm my cheek with the other. His lips assaulted mine. I gave in. I had no choice. He had a death grip on me. Most of the people in
the bar knew us. They hooted and hollered. The lights went down and the music came back on. Ray finally let me come up for air.

  “Stacey, you okay to drive?” he asked her, not taking his eyes off of me.

  “Yeah, why?”

  “Becca’s coming home with me.”

  Panic set in.

  “No, I’m not!”

  “Yes you are, baby!” he said through gritted teeth. I suddenly felt damp, and not at my brow, either. Ahem.

  “Oh shit, Becca, you better go with him. He just made my panties wet!” Stacey said, staring at Ray in awe.

  “Stacey, I’m going to buy you a goddamn filter for your birthday!” I yelled as I pulled away from Ray to grab my keys and throw cash on the bar for our drinks.

  “I got it, baby, put your money away.” Ray was all candy-and-ice-cream sweet as he took the cash off the bar and gave it to me.

  “Baby, baby, baby!” I snapped and gave Jimmy, the bartender, my money. I then went up to Will and kissed him, tongue and all. “Sorry, Will,” I said in his ear before I turned around. “Fuck. You. Ray!” I yelled and flashed my “sight word.” I made eye contact with Stacey and nodded toward the door.

  “Coming!” She ran toward me, trying to escape the shitstorm that everybody felt coming. We headed outside and got into my Honda Pilot. I cried all the way home, except for the times Stacey joked about me slapping my new bronze balls across Ray’s face.

  “You should’ve seen Ray’s face when you kissed Will like that. I thought he was going to go apeshit!” She laughed.

  “Yeah, well, I don’t know if that was too smart. I probably opened up a can of worms with Will that I wasn’t even looking to take off the shelf.” I rolled my eyes. Christ ... what did I do?

  “Wow, a whole bar scene incident ... classic!” My tone is sarcastically playful. Ray looks at me with complete irritation. “Really? Three years later ... still bothers you?” I widen my eyes.

  “Yeah, really! I hate that guy!” He shakes his head.

  “So, what happened after that?” I’m trying to remember myself.

  “Nothing. I stayed away for another month.”

  “Until?”

  “Until I came home to my birthday carrot cake and a gift from you on my porch. My parents were still out with Annie. I brought it all in the house. I opened the cake box and there it was. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RAY! in green icing, except for the ‘A’ in my name that you always replace with a carrot designed in icing. I opened your present. You made me that scrapbook of Annie and me. Some pictures had Morgan in them. They were pictures from things we had all done together, or been together for. Not one picture of just you and me ... not one single one.” His voice goes quiet.

  “I didn’t think you’d want a picture of us. You had been avoiding me for months and you had a new girlfriend.” I defend my choice.

  “Well, there I sat at my table, crying like a little bitch until my mama came home and made it all better.” He pokes fun at himself.

  “Mama’s boy!” I tease him. “What did she say?”

  “Well, she saw me and immediately told my dad to take Annie outside. ‘That from Becca, son?’ she asked. I nodded and cried harder. ‘Now, do you know why you cryin’?’ I told her it was because I loved and missed you. She said, ‘Well now looks to me like my baby girl’s feelin’ the same way ‘bout you.’ I said I couldn’t go back to the way things were. She said, ‘Seems to me that you can’t go on this way either. Go to her, Ray. You want me call her to come join us fer yo birthday, baby?’”

  “She did call me!” I cut him off.

  “Yeah ... you came ... twice,” he says with a mischievous grin.

  “Mama worked her magic, huh?” I nudge him.

  “Mmm ... yes, she did.” He nips at my earlobe.

  I smack his arm. “What’s next?”

  “Next? You don’t want to remember that night?” He seems nervous.

  “I just did. Next, please.” I close my eyes.

  “Becs, you did not!”

  “It was very sticky and sweet, because you wanted to have your cake and eat if off of me, too!” I tap his lips with my forefinger. He bites it.

  “It tasted so much better that way! Okay, let me think. Well, you got really busy at the inn. Even my mother couldn’t get you to break away. We did things locally, but it wasn’t the same. You were so distracted.”

  “Well, I had a lot of weddings that year, on top of the crop weekends. We didn’t have any sleepovers?” I ask.

  “No. Not until Christmas. I was actually very busy, too.” He rests his head back on the couch. I snuggle up to him. “This is nice.” He kisses my head and puts his arms around me. Apparently, I like to play with fire.

  “Oh. That’s when you had that hospital project in Maine.” I remember us now, barely seeing each other.

  “The assisted-living facility,” he corrects me.

  “Right. You did a beautiful job.” I smile up at him.

  “I hated being away from you guys so much. I was glad Annie had you to take care of her, but I felt like I was losing you. Remember your no-wine diet?” He chuckles.

  “Oh. Um, yup! Meant no Ray, huh?” I wince.

  “Yeah, basically. I found myself begging for hugs. I even got into a fight with you one evening. Tried the whole ‘Fucking kiss me, Becca!’ thing. It didn’t work. We just got into a huge fight.”

  It was late on a school night. Annie was over so often that I kept clothes for her at the inn. I hadn’t heard from Ray by eight, so I just had Annie shower and go to sleep with Morgan. I’d send her on the bus with a note in the morning. By ten o’clock, I was putting the sign out for my guests and doing the last few preparations in the kitchen for breakfast.

  “Hey, baby.” I felt Ray’s hands at my waist. He sounded tired.

  “Where have you been?” My tone showcased my irritation. Christ, he could’ve called!

  “Oh, baby, please don’t be mad ... I’m so swamped.” He started kissing my neck. His hands rose to my breast. “Mmm ... I need you, baby.”

  “Get off of me!” I shoved his hands away and turned to him. “What are you doing?” I yelled.

  “Becca, I don’t need this shit, baby! You haven’t kissed me or touched me in months. I have been patient, but I need you now!” He pulled me to him aggressively.

  “What are you talking about?” I tried to push him off.

  “Just fucking kiss me, Becca!” He held my head in place and attacked my lips. I pushed him away and smacked his face. He pressed his hand to his cheek and shook his head.

  “I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Maybe you’re overtired,” I said, still in shock over the fact that I slapped him.

  “Becs, you have a tiny birthmark right here.” He went to touch me, but I backed away. He took in a deep breath. “I just want to show you. I’m not going to do anything else.” He reached again, this time kneeling in front of me. “Right here.” His finger poked at the area between my pelvis and leg. “I’ve kissed you there a million times, baby. I know every inch of you. Shall we see if I’m right?” He looked up at me and started to pull my pants down. I pushed him away.

  “You’ve seen me in a bathing suit. You probably saw it then.” I backed up to the sink.

  “Becca, it’s the size of ... of a pencil dot! I wouldn’t be able to see it unless my face was right there. And, like I said, it has been—many, many times!” He was up against me. His mouth found my neck again. I remember feeling scared. He was behaving so strangely.

  “Ray, please stop.” My voice shook.

  “No. I want to make love, baby. It’s been too long.” His hands cupped my breasts again.

  “Ray, you’re overtired. We’ve never made love. Ray, please, you’ve got to stop.” I started crying.

  “We have made love, baby! Jesus, Becca, I can’t live my life like this! You’re going to lose me ... you don’t even remember to care.” He sounded so defeated.

  “Of course I care—you’re my best friend, Ray. I
don’t want to lose you. I don’t want a relationship with you, either. I can’t. I won’t get hurt again.” I fought to regain control over my tears.

  “I won’t hurt you, Becs. We’ve been together for two years—I’ve proven myself. I won’t hurt you, baby.” He held my face.

  “You can’t promise that.” I pulled away from him again.

  “Where’s Annie?” He let go and backed up.

  “Sleeping. I’ll send her off to school in the morning.” I turned to close the box of sugar packets and put it away.

  “Good night. Tell Annie I love her,” he said, and left before I could turn around.

  “What did you do when you left?” My hand covers his. He keeps rubbing my belly, and it’s making me nervous.

  “I called my mom. I was brokenhearted ... once again, Lucy!” He taps my belly.

  “Is that your permanent nickname for me?” My fingers lace with his.

  “Until you remember everything, yes.” He brings my hand up to his lips for a quick peck.

  “Then what happened? Wait, is that when your mom called me about Christmas at the inn?” I ask.

  “Yes, it was our year to have my parents over for Christmas anyway. So, my mom suggested we all just stay with you to give you and I more time together.

  “Did it work?” I ask as I try to remember for myself.

  “Eh ... not really. I, uh, couldn’t stop. Not proud of myself, baby.” He sighs.

  “Ray, I don’t remember you forcing yourself on me.” My brow furrows.

  “I didn’t. I couldn’t stop eating! It was terrible.” He shakes his head.

  “You asshole!” I elbow him.

  He laughs. “No, baby, it wasn’t as merry as the year before, but it was definitely ... mmm ... so good.” He moves my hand to feel his growing excitement. I use every ounce of willpower I can muster to push my desire away.

  “We went to Maine for your birthday again, but you were completely off. I told my mother that she had lost her magic. You wouldn’t even kiss me. It was weird.” He sits, pondering.

  “We slept in separate rooms.”

  “Yeah, I was pissed! You had one with Morgan—not like I could creep in. You wouldn’t even watch a movie with me. I felt like it was over between us. After that trip, I backed off. Not like before, but I gave you space.” He gets up and grabs a water out of the fridge.