Goodbye Secrets

by Jacquelyn Ayres

  “Oh, I’m sorry, are you an expert now? Because I’ll just push aside what all the other professionals have told me!”

  “I’m merely just telling you what bothered Becca, and my own opinion. That’s all, Ray.” I lean forward on my knees, trying to be a bit more personable. This is a delicate subject.

  “That’s all, Grayson? You’ve dug into my personal life and told Becca everything that would make her form a negative opinion against me, and that’s all?” he yells. We sit in silence, staring at each other for several minutes. Ray exhales forcefully. “Liz was suffering from post-partum really bad. She was depressed before, but it escalated once she gave birth. She wouldn’t take anything for it, because she was unhappy and didn’t want any of this. She took off in her car to go stay with a girlfriend for a few days to clear her mind. She never made it. They had to use the Jaws of Life to get her free from the car, and it had been too long. They resuscitated her, but she’s been in a vegetative state ever since. I pay for her room and her medical expenses. I will do that for the rest of my life, or hers. As you probably know, I divorced her soon after I met Becca.” He reaches for a bowl of cashews and throws a fistful into his mouth.

  “Why didn’t you divorce her before you met Becca?” I ask. I find it sort of interesting—five years is a long time.

  “I wasn’t looking. Annie was going to be the only girl in my life. I mean, obviously, I fooled around here and there, but nothing serious. I wasn’t serious until I met Becca. My whole world changed then. Grayson, she is the love of my life. I won’t ever stop fighting for her.” He states this very calmly—I’m guessing to make sure it sinks in.

  “I commend you for the past five years, like I said earlier. I don’t know if I could’ve done that, mate.” I’m honest. I feel sorry for the poor bloke, to go through all of that for so long just to have some handsome fellow like me come and sweep her off her feet!

  “Well, that’s the difference between you and me.” Ray smirks.

  “That and a few gold coins, aye?” I chuckle.

  “Becca’s not like that. She doesn’t care about your money. She’s very proud and independent. You have any idea how many arguments we had over repairs here, and me not taking the money? She’s not flashy, Gray, and doesn’t care to be!

  “Contrary to what you believe, Ray, I do know my own fiancée! Why do you think I do everything behind her back? She’d never let me do it otherwise!” Now I’m getting frustrated.

  “Yeah, you know her so well you ruined her inn! She loved all of the dark wood! She would’ve never done this!” he snaps, pointing to all of the newly whitened wood.

  “That was a mistake,” I grumble.

  “One of many!” He smirks.

  “What on earth are you talking about?” I ask, and look at my watch. “It’s been forty-five minutes!”

  “She’s with my mama, man. In other words, dude ... you’re screwed! You should write a song by that title. It’s catchy!” He laughs.

  “Well, Ray, I’ve enjoyed your company long enough.” I give him my best whatever face.

  “Pleasure, as always!” His comment is rich with sarcasm as he grabs the remote and puts the sports channel on. I head off to find my auntie for solace. I am feeling a bit intimidated by Becca’s long conference with Ray’s mother.

  BECCA

  Elise climbs in next to me and cradles me in her arms as if she’s my mama. She hugs me and kisses my hair as I start to sob.

  “There there, baby. You go ahead and have yo’self a good cry. Then we goin’ talk this whole mess through, darlin’. I love you, baby ... you go ‘head and cry.” She rocks me slightly. I inhale the light scent of Design, her signature perfume. Ray and I buy it for her every year.

  “Oh, Mama, why aren’t you kicking the stuffing out of me right now?” I look up into her beautiful, almost-violet blue eyes.

  “Well, you know what I always say, darlin’.” She smiles as she thumbs away a tear on my left cheek.

  “You get mo’ suga wit honey,” I say in her accent.

  “You and Ray are always teasin’ me!” She swats my back gently and giggles. I rest my head back down. She mentioned me and Ray as a unit. The talk is about to start in five ... four ... three ...

  “Becca, baby,” she starts. Wow, I didn’t even get to finish my countdown!

  “Yes, Mama?”

  “Oh, you butterin’ me up already, arenchew?” She laughs and swats me again. She loves when I call her mama. I don’t do it too much because, well, I guess it sort of cements things for me. I laugh a little as well.

  “So now, you goin’ tell me why you cryin’, baby?” This is Elise’s way of talking. She makes you figure out what’s going on without hitting you with her opinion first. Interesting concept. I’ve been meaning to try that out on Morgan for the past five years.

  “Elise, I’m heartbroken.” It’s the truth.

  “Because ... ?” she says slowly.

  “I’m in love with two men and I want them both.” There, I said it!

  “You can’t have that, baby girl ... you can’t have both of them.”

  If she were any other person on the planet, I would unleash my smart mouth and hit her with my sarcastic best! But, alas, she’s Elise, and she will whoop my ass without ever laying a single finger on me.

  “I know that. My mind knows it. My heart just won’t listen.” I sigh and lie on my back. “Did Ray tell you about our walk down memory lane yesterday?” I turn my head to look at her. Her skin is a beautiful milky white. She’s so calm. How does she always remain so calm?

  “Yes, he did. He told me how it affected you ... and him, for that matta. Becca, that boy is so in love with you.” Her eyes begin to glisten. Mine follow pathetically.

  “It brought up a lot of feelings I really didn’t know were there.” My nose flares to stop my tears.

  “You know, baby, you just couldn’t get yo mine to acknowledge what was in yo heart.” She squeezes my hand.

  “I’m in love with Grayson.” Before I can finish my thought, she snorts her opinion of Grayson—probably the politest reaction she can give.

  “Everybody is so quick to judge him! Nobody wants to stop and see the kind, loving, gentle, funny person he is! Everyone sees arrogance, overbearingness—”

  “He treats you as a prisoner!” she yells. Oh shit ... Mama doesn’t yell.

  “It only looks that way because he’s trying to keep me safe! He’s very good to me. He’s brought me out of my shell.”

  “Then he beats your shell!” she snaps.

  “He does not!” I yell. “Goddamn it! You know, Elise, your son isn’t exactly an angel either!” Elise sits up to look at me with shock. I have never talked to her like this before ... ever!

  “My son would never do anything to hurt you! He would never do anything to you against yo’ will!” She matches my anger.

  “Oh yeah, you sure about that, Elise? Seems your Raymond has left out a few details!” I snap, but try to calm down. This isn’t going to get us anywhere, and I don’t feel right shedding an ugly light on her son.

  “What are you referrin’ to, darlin’?” She seems to have come to the same conclusion.

  “I think he should be the one to tell you. I love you both very much, and I don’t ... it’s not for me to tell you. I’ve forgiven him.” I sit up and bring my knees into my chest.

  “This is a big mess, Becca.”She looks down and shakes her head.

  “Quite the pickle, aye?” I lay my head on my knees.

  “Well, why don’t we do this the old-fashioned way and write down what each man brings to the table for ya?” She gets up and looks for a paper and pen.

  “Already did that. It’s pretty even. They are a lot alike, believe it or not. There are only small differences in them.” I lay back, defeated.

  “Well, Ray’s got five years on this guy. He’s been takin’ care of you as best as you’d let him. You two are gonna have a baby together ... surely those things raise the bar fo
r Ray.” She sits on the bed again, right knee bent so she can face me.

  “Elise, I’m having Grayson’s baby. I don’t know why Ray keeps saying it’s his! I’m only eight weeks. I wasn’t even here when I got pregnant,” I explain, my voice thick with concern. She just shakes her head at me. “I must be in the middle of another dream! Elise, you are a very smart, levelheaded woman. I had an ultrasound two weeks ago that said I was six weeks. I was in California eight weeks ago. There is no possible way I am having Ray’s baby!”

  “Well, let’s agree to disagree,” she says, as if we were talking politics. Maybe it’s me! Maybe I’m losing my mind!

  “Okay.” What else can I say here?

  “Morgan is very upset about moving away from Annie, Artie, and me.”

  “Yeah, notice she’s not upset about Ray!” I add for spite.

  “She was this morning, after he gave her and Annie their matching Christmas gifts.” Her eyebrows shoot up. “A DVD of them growin’ up togetha, and all of the things we’ve done. Places we have been. I think Morgan finally realized she already had a completed family.” She picks the lint off of her pants.

  “Yeah, except Ray never acted like her dad unless he was in front of me.” I roll my eyes.

  “Really? That’s what you think a him?”.

  “Well, I know it wasn’t intentional.”

  “Becca, I know you been real good to our Annie over the years ... better than her own motha would’ve eva been. But you dropped her like she was a hot potato when Grayson came along. You didn’t call or nuthin’! You know what my Ray still did—still does—every month?” She’s pointing her well-manicured finger at me.

  “What?” My guilt, I’m sure, is all over my face.

  “Depositing money in Morgan’s college fund!”

  “No, he hasn’t. What are you talking about?” I just reviewed the statement the other day.

  “Not the one you have for her! The one he opened for her fo’ years ago!” she snaps.

  “Ray started a college fund for Morgan?” Grayson didn’t tell me this.

  “Yes! He never tol’ you ‘bout it cuz’ he knew you’d git mad!” She sighs.

  “I’m sorry about Annie. I’ve apologized to her. You have to understand that Ray was acting pretty crazy at that time.”

  “Well, Becca, who the hell could blame him? You been his girl, his family, fo’ five years, and then one day he comes over here to see about renovations and you’re introducing him to yo’ fiancé!” she yells. I just start crying.

  “I didn’t know about everything Ray and I had! I can assure you this wouldn’t have happened!” I think back to that day when he was handing me the binder, when I apologized and he said he wasn’t hurt, but destroyed. My tears begin their rain of sorrow down my face again.

  “Becca, what were you just thinkin’ ‘bout now?” She rubs my forearm.

  “That day ... he told me I destroyed him.” I sob again.

  “You did. I was on the phone with him fo’ hours. Becca, if I didn’t love you so damn much, I’d ring yo’ neck for doing this to my boy!” she says through her teeth.

  “Mama, don’t say that to her. You know she can’t help what happened,” Ray says softly. I didn’t even hear him come in. My heart is racing. Seeing him at this moment is more than I can bear. Elise gets up and heads toward the door.

  “I’m a goin’ keep a look out, son.” She taps his arm.

  “Thanks, Mama.” He smiles at her.

  There she goes—silver fox—right to the door to watch for Grayson! Christ, these two are quite the pair! Ray sits on the edge of the bed.

  “C’mere, baby.” He pats his knees.

  “No, Ray, I can’t.” I shake my head, then look over at Elise. An imaginary boomerang flies out of her eyes, smacks me in the head, and goes back to her. I climb onto Ray’s lap. He grasps my chin between his forefinger and thumb and pulls my face to his.

  “Look at those beautiful emeralds staring at me,” he says. I lick my lips and bite my bottom one—apparently, my only response to anything. “Mmm ... there it is,” he whispers, sending my heart into my throat. His lips softly grasp mine. His tongue beckons for entrance. Mine greets his lovingly as I part my lips. I get lost in the familiarity of his kiss. His hand slowly slides down my neck to the top of my chest and finds its way to my breast. Elise clears her throat in an exaggerated tone and Ray’s hand immediately goes back to my neck.

  “Ray, stop now.” I gently push him away. He lets me climb off of his lap. What am I doing? “Um ... none of this is helping me.” I pace the floor of mine and Grayson’s room.

  “We’ll go, baby.” Ray gets up and walks over to me. “I’m not trying to pressure you, Becca.” He chucks my chin so I find his eyes—Hurricane Ray eyes. “I just want you to be aware of your own feelings. You have a habit of pushing yourself to the side. You need to decide what’s right for you. Your happiness has always been my top priority. I love you, Becca. I always will.” He leans in and lays a soft kiss on my lips. “Merry Christmas, baby,” he whispers as he leans his forehead against mine.

  “Merry Christmas, Ray.” I raise my eyes to look into his again. “I love you.” I palm his cheek.

  “I know you do, baby. I’m just glad you know now.” Just as he leans in again, Elise clears her throat. Ray rolls his eyes, knowing it’s Grayson, and pulls me into a fierce hug instead.

  “All set then, Mrs. McNeil?” Grayson asks as he opens the door all the way. I lift my head off of Ray’s chest to catch Grayson’s eyes. He stares at us both intently, then finds my gaze. A sheepish smile forms across his lips and he offers me a curt nod. His behavior is so odd ... can it really all be his mom?

  “You not gonna hurt my baby girl for sayin’ bye to my son, are you?” Elise asks Grayson, and I feel my heart stop for him.

  “No, Mrs. McNeil, I would never hurt Becca.” Grayson tries to remain calm.

  “That’s not what I’ve heard,” she states. All Sybeccas get their s’mores ready. That was a lot of fuel ... I feel a fire coming.

  “Really? Well, Mrs. McNeil, contrary to popular belief—thanks to your son for that—I do not physically abuse my fiancée!” Forget fire ... a perfect storm is brewing! “Maybe I should bestow the same courtesy upon him and tell the whole world how he date-raped Becca! How many times did you do that, Ray? Twice?” Grayson looks over as if he’s asking how many burgers he wants.

  “My son would never!” she says, but then looks at me. I look down. “Raymond!”

  “Shit,” Ray says under his breath.

  “You did that to her, son?” She walks over to us. I can see the heartbreak in her eyes. “Becca, is that what he did to you, baby?” Her chin quivers.

  “Please, Elise, we already worked through it all,” I start.

  “Mama.” Ray cuts me off. “I was wrong, and I deeply regret it. Please don’t ...” He doesn’t finish his sentence. I grab her hand and Ray finally releases me.

  “I’m ... I’m so sorry, Becca. I didn’t raise him to do things like that.” Clearly, she’s mortified. I feel the need to shoot Grayson a dirty look, but refrain from doing so. I haven’t exactly been on my best behavior lately.

  “Elise, Ray and I have talked everything out, and I do forgive him.”

  “Thank you, baby.” He drapes his arm around the small of my back and squeezes my hip. “Mama, let’s go now. We’ll talk about it when we get home.” He rubs her upper left arm with his free hand.

  She glances at him quickly, then back at me.

  “Merry Christmas, baby girl. I love you.” She pulls me into a tight hug. Man, what is it with these McNeils and their bear hugs?

  “I love you, too.” I kiss her cheek. Ray pulls my hair back as if he’s going to put it into a ponytail. He lets go, then rubs my back as his mom holds onto me. He’s letting me know that he wants another hug. Elise and I finally break free and she heads out. I turn to face the door where Grayson was standing, only to find us alone in the room again. Ray turns whe
n he sees me searching around. He turns back to me with a boyish half grin and aggressively pulls me to him by my hips.

  “Ray, please.” I take in a sharp breath and continue to look at the door, waiting for Grayson to return.

  “Oh, I’d love to please you.” Ray chuckles lightly as he kisses down my neck.

  “Ray, stop!” I place my hands on his chest to hold him at arm’s length. He palms my face and straightens it, forcing me to give him my full attention. His somewhat playful grin from a few moments ago is officially gone.

  “I don’t want you to leave, baby, but please promise me,” he shakes my head a bit for emphasis, “that you won’t leave without saying goodbye to me.” He’s searching my eyes, waiting for my promise. All I can think about is how I don’t want to say goodbye. It’s a miserable word that I want no part of. How can I say goodbye to him? How am I going to do it?

  “I’m leaving in two days.” I don’t know why I just said that. He winces as if I’ve verbally slapped him. His hands almost crush my face.

  “Why do you like to hurt me?” he asks through his teeth.

  “No. No, I didn’t mean to, baby, I’m sorry.”

  He muffles my pleading with a harsh kiss, then pushes me back and walks away.

  “Two songs, Becca. ‘Hold Me Now’ by Thompson Twins and ‘Time After Time’ by Cyndi Lauper.” With that, he and Elise leave—slamming the door behind them. I sit on my bed and stare at the plush gold carpeting. I’m not aware the door has opened again until Grayson is in front of me. I look up and am surprised to feel the gentle caress of his knuckles on my cheek.

  “I don’t know what to say, Grayson.” I shake my head. Why can’t I pull it together?

  “Don’t say anything then, sweetheart. I’m doing my best to get through the next two days. I suggest you do the same. It will get easier in two days. I promise, Becca.” He kneels in front of me.

  “Have you retired your purple pants?” I try to make light of the situation.

  “No, darling, I’m just keeping them in check. I know your heart is in a complicated place right now. I’m trying to put myself in your shoes as best as I can. This is not exactly how I pictured our first Christmas together, but we’re together and I’m hoping it stays that way.” His eyelids are going at Morse-code speed.