“Yes, Becca. What he did was not right, but ...” He trails off, trying to find the right words.
“I know, Grayson. I have forgiven him. I just wish it never had to come to that.”
“It didn’t have to come to that, Becca. He shouldn’t have done it, but in his defense, he gives in to your needs all the time. In studying him, I realized Liz did a number on him as well. She up and leaves him with an infant. Rejection. He meets you and you two have a five-year relationship that you don’t even remember. He’s started to feel like there’s something wrong with him, that he’s not worthy of love. He knows you have PTSD and it stems from that, but he still feels like you’re embarrassed to be with him. Before you say anything,” he holds up his hand to stop me, “you never display embarrassment. You are very proud of him, and proud to be with him, whether it’s as ‘just a friend’ or his girlfriend. This is his internal battle as he tries to deal with your trauma.”
“More like my drama,” I snap at myself.
“Becca, every night that man prays for you to stop hurting, to realize what you have with him. When you fall asleep in his arms, he prays to you ... the same prayer every time.”
“What does he say?” I lift my head.
“Please still love me when you wake up.”
I sit up and pull my knees to my chest, then give in to the need to cry for Ray. Grayson’s hands glide up and down my back.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, baby.” I turn to him.
“Stop, Becca! No more guilt! Does this hurt me? Yes, on some level, but I know you’re not doing it to spite me, sweetheart. It hurts because I can no longer be with you. I can’t come back, Becca! This is our last night. That’s it, until you join me one day! You have to push this guilt away. It’s destroying you. I want you to be happy. I want you to be happy with Ray! I give you my blessing, sweetheart! That’s why I’m here. I wanted to give you the chance to take a second look at your life and love with him!” He sounds so passionate; one would never believe he’s trying to convince his wife to be with another man.
“Thank you. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you.” I touch his face. He kisses my palm. “Grayson, will I remember now?”
“Yes.”
“How do you know?”
I watch as he looks down and plays with a loose thread on the duvet.
“Because the tables have turned. You are always thinking about him now, wondering if he’s okay. You’re feeling guilty that you’re not with him and Annie, especially since you went through all of those memories with him. The wall’s gone, Becca. I’ve succeeded ... yay me!” He half-heartedly cheers for himself.
“Silver lining?” I try to boost his mood.
“Sure.”
“I won’t fight you on a single thing tonight ... and I don’t have to go to sleep.” I smirk
“I—am—so—going—to—hold—you—to—that,” he says between kisses.
“Can I ask more questions?”
He nods.
“What if I wake up and remember everything, and I’m his full-blown girlfriend? He’s so used to chasing me. Will he get bored? Will I not be a challenge for him anymore? You know the whole ‘be careful what you wish for’ saying.” I bite my lip nervously.
“Sweetheart, I was with you for over six years myself. Speaking from experience, I can honestly say that I don’t foresee you ever not being a challenge.” He laughs. I hit him. “Seriously though, Becca, that will never be an issue. He just wants to come home from work and be able to kiss you, for Christ’s sake! He tired of chasing you. He’s been done with it for a long time. He just loves you too much to walk away. I understand that. Nobody understands it better than me.” He runs his hands through his hair.
“Okay. So I just want to straighten out who’s who.”
“All right.”
“Melissa?” I tap my first finger.
“Ray’s younger sister. Elise and Artie’s whoops.”
“Of course! She’s in the military and I tease her about being my bodyguard.” I smack my head.
“And she does look up to you very much. She’s always asking you for advice,” he adds.
“Ryan?”
“Her boyfriend. You think he’s good for her. He’s not the usual type she goes for.”
“Okay. Derek is your best friend.”
“Yes—from university!” He smiles.
“Tanya?” I wince.
“Morgan and Annie’s favorite teacher. Incidentally, they are struggling, so anything you and Ray can come up with would be great.”
“Oh. Okay ... yeah, I’m sure we’ll think of something. What about all of the financial stuff and the renovations?” I lift his chin so he’s looking into my eyes.
“Uh, Ray fixed your finances.” He starts cracking up.
“What?”
“Remember me sorting out your ‘war zone’?”
“Yes.”
“That was actually Ray. He cursed you out the entire time. I’m pretty sure he won’t be letting you handle that anymore. Honestly, Becca, you are so disorganized! Why are you pretending that I didn’t leave you anything? You should’ve been all set, sweetheart.” He suddenly looks concerned.
“I ... I don’t know. I guess it made it too real for me. I mean, I obviously had to use some of it to start my business up. I just ... I don’t know. I wanted to leave it for Morgan.” I shrug.
“Or for when I came back?” He arches a brow.
“And here you are.” I laugh.
“I want you to go and buy the things you want. All of the stuff I bought you the past three months. I mean it, Becca! I want you to stop the weddings and do the renovations. You tell Ray I said I am paying for it. He is to take the money or I will haunt him for the rest of his life!” He taps his finger for emphasis.
“Grayson, I don’t know. I want to make sure Morgan is all set. She’s your daughter—it should all go to her.” I sigh.
“And you are my wife!” he yells. “I made sure to set things in motion to provide for you both if something like this should happen! Instead, you decide to struggle for no reason and use up precious time that you could be spending with our daughter!” Oh ... he sounds extra British.
“Gray, calm down, baby.” I move to touch him, but he pushes my hand away.
“Do what you are told—for once, goddamn it! It’s absolutely silly, and it’s an embarrassment to me!”
“Embarrassment?”
“Yes, Becca! Everybody thinks I left you with nothing! Even Ray thought that! He knows differently now.”
“I’m sorry. I really wasn’t thinking about that.” I look down.
“Becca, as your husband and Morgan’s father, it’s my responsibility to take care of the both of you. You haven’t allowed me to do that. It’s upsetting.” He’s completely calm now.
“I am really sorry. I am, Gray. I promise, when I get back, I will do everything you ask.” I bring his face to mine.
“Will you please open the Christmas present I sent you?” He pulls away. A sob escapes my throat.
“When you talked about holding your mother’s gift, but not opening it ...”
“Yes, I was talking about you.” He thumbs away my tears.
“You just ... you never really made me anything before. And you ... you said not to open it ‘til you got back.” I feel tears welling in my eyes.
“Oh, sweetheart, I am so sorry. I wish ... God, do I wish I could go back and change my mind.” We hug each other desperately and allow ourselves a good cry, mourning the loss of us—all of our dreams, all of our hopes, everything we were to each other and everything we were going to be.
Slowly we pull away and wipe away each other’s tears.
“Do you have any other questions, sweetheart?”
“Who was working with George?” Total left-field action.
“I have no idea, Becca! You were driving me crazy with that. I was getting into it, trying to come up with ideas, and then poof—you’d throw another twist
in! And all of these people, random people playing our security detail. I think one guy was our doorman at my old apartment in L.A.” He laughs. “By the way, going back to our finances, we’re very comfortable, darling, but not enough for me to have a private plane and be able to justify it. I do not have ten cars, but those are all the cars I wanted. If you remember correctly, I wasn’t so free with my spending, except when it came to you.”
“Yeah, but I never asked for anything.” I shrug.
“Which is why you were so perfect for a tightwad like me! Actually, I need to correct you, because you would ask me if we could help other people or tell me what others want, and I’d say ‘Sweetheart, what do you want?’ You’d just ask me to help so-and-so or get this for so-and-so. You’re still the same way. You’re a kind and wonderful soul, Becca. I love you.” He plants a big kiss on my lips.
“What about my fanbase in Ashland? That had to be an exaggeration on your part.” I push his shoulder lightly.
“No, you are oblivious! The only real serious ones, though, are Ray and Will. The others have little crushes, but it’s not like they think about you endlessly. That Will ... ugh! I was so happy when Ray decked him! Knocked his front tooth right out.” Gray swings his fist through the air like a boxer.
“What? When did that happen?” I palm his fist down in shock.
“It was a couple of months before the accident. You were doing an event with him to that song I liked. It was the dance you did here. Well, just like here, that asshole got the wrong message. He had his paws all over you in the dressing room. He pinned you up against the wall. You were yelling at him to get off of you, but of course he wouldn’t listen. Ray came backstage looking for you. You were too busy trying to fight Will off to see Ray come to your aid. He grabbed him by his silky shirt collar and laid one right into him. It knocked him on his ass across the floor. ‘Keep your fucking hands off of my wife!’ he yelled.”
“Wife?”
“Yes. Will called him on it, and he said, ‘As far as you are concerned, she is my wife and you will keep your fucking hands and eyes off of her or I’ll finish what I’ve started!’ He turned to you and grabbed you, asking you if you were okay. You said, ‘Wife, Ray?’ in a whisper as you took his hand. ‘Yes, wife! You are never dancing with that asshole again! Do you understand me, wife?’ Oh, Becca, as usual, you picked the wrong time to mention certain things. I sided with his anger there.” He shakes his head, chuckling.
“You seem to be siding with him a lot,” I tease.
“Well, you are quite the handful, sweetheart ... in more ways than one.” He smirks and pulls the sheets away from my chest to sneak a peek.
“Stop!” I slap his hand. “So, what happened?”
“You redirected his anger with your charm. ‘Ray, this is really bad, baby, you need stitches.’” He imitates me.
“Oh ... I called him baby.” I wince.
“It’s all right, Becca. He is family and, well, he deserves that title.” He sighs.
“Well?”
“He said he wasn’t going to the hospital for two stitches, he had butterfly ones at home. So you both went back to his house. You fixed him up in more ways than one.” He rubs his face.
“I wish I could remember the newer memories.” I sigh.
“I wish I could forget ... them all!” He holds his hands out in exasperation.
“Sorry. Okay, that’s enough of all of that. This is our special time. What would you like to talk about, or do?” I grab his hands.
“You don’t have any other questions?” He cocks his head to the side.
“Well, one for right now.” I hate to keep bringing Ray up. “How does your mom feel about Ray and me?”
“She loves Ray. She knows I would’ve liked him. She encourages you. She supports him. She and Elise have become quite close. They are some scheming team!” He chuckles. “Incidentally, sweetheart, please tell my mother that my father and I give her our blessing to be with Charlie,” he adds.
“Oh, I’m definitely doing that!” I widen my eyes for emphasis. I can’t count how many times I’ve encouraged her over the years. “So, what would you like to do?” I play with the hem of the sheet.
“No fighting?” he asks. I shake my head. “Well, first, I’d like to take you to church ... through the backdoor. Then, I’d like for us to go downstairs and spend time with Morgan. We’ll see from there.” He holds up a fisted hand with just his index finger out and spins it around. I swallow hard and turn.
“Are you okay, darling?” Grayson brings my hand up to his lips as we walk down the hall.
“Yes, baby.” I smile.
“Much better this time?”
“Yes,” I agree as we head down the stairs. It’s very quiet. “Where is everybody?”
“Well, since nobody’s really out to hurt you, I didn’t think we needed to keep up the charades.” He laughs at me, just a little.
“Sorry, kinda got used to it.” I laugh at myself as well.
Grayson glances over toward the dining room.
“Morgy girl!” He picks her up and swings her around. “What would you like to do?”
“How about we go for a drive to see Christmas lights?” Morgan asks, sounding excited.
“Becca?”
“I’ll make the hot cocoa to go!” I throw my hand into the air as if this were the most important volunteer job around. I head into the kitchen and grab the milk out of the fridge.
“Oh look, sweetheart,” Grayson announces as he walks into the kitchen.
“What?” I turn around.
“Hot chocolates, all ready to go! In special throw-away containers, no less!”
“Smartass!” I laugh.
“Really, darling, I don’t believe it’s my ass that’s smarting right now.” He grabs my hips and pulls me to him.
“Grayson!” I smack his chest.
“Look, this one here is for you. It’s chocolate peanut butter hot cocoa, to give you warm thoughts all night,” he teases.
“Oh, I don’t think I’ll have trouble keeping my thoughts warm all night.” I lean up for a kiss.
“C’mon!” Morgan complains.
“All right, little sweetheart.” He smiles against my lip, then grabs both the hot cocoa and my hand.
“I’ll drive. Why don’t you and Daddy snuggle together in the backseat?” I offer.
“Becca, I’d love that. How ‘bout it, Morgy? It’d be like a date with your ole dad!” He puts his arm out for her to hook hers through.
“Sure, Daddy. I’d love it, mate!” She does his English accent. We get into the Range Rover.
“Becca, if you like this better than the X5, get it!” Grayson squeezes my shoulder from the backseat.
“Stop. Let’s enjoy the lights.” I tap his hand before I back up and head down the hill. I drive down some popular streets where people compete with each other fiercely. I look back at Morgan and Grayson snuggling and drinking from their cups. I can’t help but get teary-eyed. They look so happy and content, like I always knew they would be. She’s always been blunt and to the point. Always wise beyond her years. She has his eyes and sometimes his frown when she talks. Grayson thinks she looks like me, but I think she’s a combo. I used to wonder, if we eventually had a son, whether he would look just like Grayson.
Grayson’s head shoots up quickly to look at me. He offers me a frowning smile. He heard my thoughts.
After about two hours, Morgan has fallen asleep on her daddy.
“Let’s go back now, sweetheart.”
“Okay.” I was going that way anyhow. Two turns and we’re on our street. I head up the long driveway to the inn. I hold the car door for Grayson and close it after he pulls Morgan out. He carries her up to the door. I quickly open it for him. We both have a little giggle that I locked it in the first place.
“Can never be too cautious, dear ... someone might jump into your brain and steal all of your ideas!”
“Stop making fun of me!” I pout.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart.” He half smiles and continues to bring Morgan to her room.
“Do you want to wake her up and spend more time together?” I rub his back.
“No, sweetheart. I’ve had a wonderful time with her, but honestly, it’s becoming more and more painful. I just want to spend the rest of the time with you now. I want to hear about raising her. I didn’t see every moment. I will, but I’d like to hear it from you.” He kisses her forehead after he lays her on her bed, then pulls her covers up. “Good night, little sweetheart. I love you. I’ll be your moon and you’ll be my stars. I’m sorry I haven’t been there. I’m sorry I won’t get to walk you down ... the ... aisle.” His voice starts to shake. “Oh, Becca, I’m missing so much. I mean, I’ll see it all, but it’s not the same.” He tries to shake of his sadness and leans over to kiss her forehead again. He inhales deeply, I think to memorize her scent. I kiss her good night as well and hold my hand out to him. He takes it.
“How many hours?” I look up at him as we walk away from her bedroom.
“I’m not exactly sure. I know you wake up today, but I don’t know when. As soon as I sense we’re running out of time, I’ll let you know.” We climb the stairs together one last time, and then he stops me at the top. “I can’t hear your thoughts, but I can clearly tell there’s something going on in there.”
“Oh, I was just thinking ... you had all of my firsts. I thought you’d have all of my lasts, too.” I frown.
“No, but you have all of mine, so I think we’re even.” He palms my face. “Sweetheart, I love you.” His lips devour mine. Our kiss follows us into our bedroom, our clothes left in a trail behind us. Suddenly, I feel smaller. I look down, then back up, panicked. “Everything’s fine. They are okay. I did that. I’m being selfish, but I want just you and me. All right, love?” His finger holds my chin up as he searches my eyes with his. I nod and feel his mouth crash back down onto mine. I pull away and lightly jerk my head back when he tries to recapture my lips. I trace his face with my fingers, studying every line that has started to appear, his long lashes, straight nose, perfect jawline, his beauty mark. My fingers slide down his long neck and back up around into his thick brown hair. It’s short in the back, longer on top. His breath is steady as he waits patiently for me to finish making my memory. I nudge his nose with mine before I grasp his bottom lip, sucking on it purposefully. His hands cup my bottom and he hoists me up. I wrap my legs around him as he carries me to our bed.
Goodbye Secrets Page 40