Lost Innocence

by Susan Lewis

  ‘You’re making a lot of assumptions…’

  ‘Because I know you, Robert Paige. You’ll bury yourself in your work, the way you always do, and pretend nothing’s going on. Well, let me tell you this…’

  ‘Enough!’ he barked. ‘I don’t know why you’re getting yourself into such a state over this. Much less can I fathom why you’re behaving as though you’re the injured party, when we both know that’s very far from the case.’

  Flushing darkly, she said, ‘Well, thank you for your support. I should have known you still blame me for what happened…’

  ‘Because you’re the one who did it, Sabrina. You and Craig. If you hadn’t had an affair my family wouldn’t have been torn apart the way it was, and my mother wouldn’t have had to live in dread of you and Alicia fighting in front of her again the way you did when it all came out. That’s why she stopped Alicia coming here, you know that as well as I do. She couldn’t bear the thought of a repeat performance, or of other people finding out, not because of what it would do to her, but because of how shaming it would be for me if the whole world knew that my wife had cheated on me with my own brother-in-law. That’s why Alicia hardly saw my mother until she was in the hospice, to spare her the fear of another showdown, and that’s why my mother left the house to her, to try to make up for the way she’d shut her out. So yes, Sabrina, you carry the blame for what happened, along with Craig, but he’s dead now, so you’re on your own with it, and though I might have forgiven you, I don’t imagine for one minute that Alicia has, or ever will.’

  Annabelle didn’t hang around to hear her mother’s response to Robert’s diatribe, she was too afraid she’d come storming out of the kitchen and bump right into her. So turning silently on her bare feet she ran quickly back along the hall and up the carpeted staircase to her own personal domain at the far end of the first landing. She was wearing only a flimsy pair of pyjama shorts and the same skin-tight white T-shirt she’d worn to the party she’d crept out to last night. The bra she’d started out in had vanished somewhere along the way, probably mixed up in the sheets on Melody Gillman’s parents’ bed. She’d better remember to call Melody to ask her to check before it fell into the wrong hands.

  ‘So what happened to the smoothies?’ Georgia queried, blinking bleary-eyed from the guest bed as Annabelle let herself back into the room.

  Raking her copious dark hair from her mascara-smeared face, Annabelle stood with her back to the door, one hand gripping the round brass knob, the other coming to rest across her ripe young breasts. Her bronze eyes were glittering, her plump, heart-shaped lips were curved in a wickedly satisfied smile.

  Surfacing from a sleeping bag covered in discarded clothes, Catrina yawned and groaned. ‘Why are you looking like that?’ she said croakily. ‘God, my head hurts. Tell me, did I really do what I think I did last night? I’ve been lying here thinking about it …’ Her voice faded in a hangover cringe.

  Annabelle arched her immaculately plucked eyebrows, turning herself, did she but know it, into a younger, slighter version of her mother. ‘Depends what you think you did,’ she replied, leaving the door and going to her dressing table which was a sweeping corner unit of drawers, cupboards and mirrors covered in make-up, hair paraphernalia, books, magazines, and enough junk jewellery to deck out a dozen fashion shoots.

  ‘Shit, will you look at the state of me,’ Georgie grumbled, checking herself out in a hand mirror.

  ‘Me too,’ Annabelle moaned, wincing at her reflection. ‘Just as well I didn’t run into the she-devil and Dr Freak while I was down there.’

  ‘Where are the smoothies?’ Georgie repeated, her throat raspingly dry. She swung her long legs off the bed and tried to stand up, but only got so far before staggering back and collapsing in a groaning, giggling heap.

  ‘You are so stoned,’ Annabelle informed her, starting to rub her face with a cleansing wipe.

  ‘Where’s my mobile?’ Catrina asked. ‘I’d better text my mother to let her know where I am, or she’ll end up doing something insane like calling the police, or ringing my dad to tell him she can’t cope any more. Stupid bag.’

  ‘So how did it go with Marty last night?’ Annabelle asked Georgia. ‘You were so wasted when you came back to the party I thought you were going to throw up.’

  ‘I think I did while we were outside,’ Georgia confessed. ‘I can’t really remember now. What about you?’

  Annabelle grinned, and held up three fingers.

  Georgia’s eyes rounded. ‘You’re kidding.’

  ‘What? What’s happened?’ Catrina wanted to know.

  ‘She had three last night,’ Georgia told her.

  Catrina looked at Annabelle, dead impressed. The youngest was turning into the hottest. ‘Still haven’t broken the record,’ she said, referring to the target of four she’d set herself a few weeks ago ‘but still amazing. Who was it? I know one of them had to be Carl’s mate, what was his name again?’

  ‘Tom,’ Georgia provided.

  ‘That’s right. So was it really his first time?’

  Annabelle nodded and carried on inspecting her reflection. ‘That’s why I said I’d do it,’ she reminded them. ‘He’s kind of cute and I was feeling generous, but I don’t think I’ll go there again. Carl was all bump and grind the way he usually is, but then someone else came in the room and started to join in. I can’t remember his name now… Jason, I think, or Justin. Actually, it might have been James. Anyway, I wasn’t going to let him, but then Carl said he was a good mate, so I thought, hell why not? I’ve never done three in the same night before, unlike some,’ she added, eyeing Catrina. ‘Anyway, that’s nothing to what Melody did. Did you see her in the kitchen?’

  ‘Oh my God, yeah, yeah, I did,’ Georgie squealed excitedly. ‘She was only using Rudi to show Katie Bridge how to give a blow job, then she started heaving and had to dash to the loo. It was so disgusting. Someone said she passed out after, and she might have because I don’t remember seeing her before we left.’

  ‘That’s because you couldn’t see anything,’ Annabelle reminded her. ‘What about Archie?’ she asked Catrina. ‘Did he turn up in the end?’

  ‘I told you on the way home,’ Catrina replied glumly, ‘he came, but he brought the F-F-Felicity with him, didn’t he? He’s such a bastard. When I saw him in the afternoon he promised he’d get rid of her and come on his own, but she was stuck to him like frigging Velcro.’

  ‘You still got off with him though,’ Georgie reminded her.

  ‘Only for a quick snog behind the guest house. I’m supposed to be seeing him this afternoon, actually. He said he’d pick me up in his car outside the station. I have to work out how to get there yet. Annabelle, we need liquids, girl, I’m gasping.’

  ‘All right, I’ll go back down,’ Annabelle replied, tugging a brush through her hair. ‘I couldn’t go in the kitchen just now because the She-Dee and Freak were having some kind of set-to about my aunt Alicia. Apparently she’s back in Holly Wood and the mother person is not happy. They absolutely detest one another.’

  ‘Why?’ Catrina asked, not really interested, but making an effort to be polite.

  Annabelle got up from the boudoir chair. ‘No idea,’ she answered airily. ‘All I know is that if Alicia stays chances are my cousin Nathan will be coming to visit, maybe even to live.’

  ‘Oh, no, not the famous Nathan,’ Georgie teased, making Catrina laugh.

  ‘So we might get to meet him at last,’ Catrina said.

  A momentary concern peeped through a crack in the shell of Annabelle’s grown-up demeanour. ‘If you do, just keep your hands off. He’s mine,’ she informed them hotly.

  ‘He’s your cousin,’ Georgie piped up. ‘That is so gross.’

  ‘We’re not blood-related.’

  ‘It’s still not right though.’

  ‘Who says? Anyway, I’m going back down to see what I can find to drink – and eat. If my mobile rings and it’s Carl tell him I liked his friend Jason, or
whatever his name was, so he should bring him to Ed’s tonight.’

  Taking a wrap from the back of the door, she pulled it on and ran silently back down the stairs. There were no voices coming from the kitchen now, and when she cautiously pushed open the door, to her relief, there was no sign of anyone inside. The last thing she wanted was a showdown with her mother when Robert was around to offer husbandly support, particularly when it was likely to end up with her being grounded for sneaking out last night. Still, even if she was it wouldn’t stop her going to Ed’s party tonight. Everyone was going to be there, and according to Ed he had a new supplier for E, so she definitely wasn’t going to miss out on that.

  Going to the fridge she helped herself to a double punnet of strawberries, another of blackberries and a dish of chopped mango which she dumped next to the blender before peeling a couple of bananas. She was thinking now about the row she’d overheard earlier, and feeling weird little frissons eddying through her. The she-devil and Craig. Amazing. Gross, but still amazing. Actually, it explained quite a lot, except, maybe, why Robert hadn’t chucked her mother out. Perhaps he hadn’t wanted to come over as a hypocrite, seeing as he’d been sleeping with her mother while she was still married to her first husband, Annabelle’s drippy dad. Come to think of it, her mother was a bit of a serial cheater, because Annabelle was sure she’d had other flings before Robert came along. It was probably where she got her own overactive libido from, she decided, and giggled. She loved the way Carl and his friends described her like that.

  Anyway, whatever, she could only feel relieved that Robert hadn’t chucked them out, because living in this house, in Holly Wood, was amazingly, seriously cool, and the last place she wanted to end up was in some downgrade semi or flat in Bath, or Bristol, or worse, London, with no money, because there was no way her mother could earn anything like the megabucks Robert got paid. Worse still would be finding herself being shipped off to her father, not only because he lived on another planet now, or it might as well be, Australia was so far away, but because he had another family these days who looked a right bunch of mingers from the photos he sent her.

  It wasn’t until she’d turned the blender off that she realised her mother was standing behind her, hands on hips, apparently about to go mental.

  ‘Get over it, Mum,’ she said, before her mother could weigh in first.

  ‘Where were you last night?’ Sabrina demanded.

  ‘Out.’

  ‘I’m aware of that. You’re fifteen years old, young lady, and the rules of this house are that you have to be home by eleven and stay here.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, blah, blah.’

  ‘So where were you?’

  ‘I just told you, out.’

  ‘Annabelle, look at me.’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘I said look at me.’

  ‘I’m busy, aren’t I?’

  ‘So help me, I’ll send you to your father if you don’t start showing me more respect.’

  ‘Oh, that’s a new one. Haven’t heard that before. Can you excuse me please, I need to get some glasses out of the cupboard.’

  ‘Who’s upstairs?’ Sabrina demanded, standing aside, and thinking, not for the first time, how rarely Annabelle ever looked her in the eye.

  ‘None of your business.’

  Sabrina’s face clenched with anger. ‘If there are boys in your room…’

  Annabelle sighed and rolled her eyes. ‘If you must know it’s Georgie and Catrina. OK? Satisfied?’

  Sabrina’s expression was still tight. ‘I wish you had friends your own age,’ she stated. ‘OK, I know you’ve always known them, but they’re in the sixth form now and you’re…’

  ‘Are there any biscuits or anything?’ Annabelle interrupted. ‘We’re starving.’

  ‘It’s called the munchies,’ Sabrina told her, yanking open a cupboard. ‘It’s what happens when you’ve had too much to drink, and let me remind you yet again, you’re underage …’

  Annabelle suddenly burped, which made her laugh. ‘Sorry, that wasn’t meant to come out,’ she said, pressing her fingers to her lips.

  Sabrina shook her head in disgust. ‘Were there any drugs involved wherever you went last night?’ she asked bluntly.

  ‘Oh Mum, unravel yourself, will you?’

  ‘I want an answer.’

  ‘Well you’re not getting one, because if I say no you won’t believe me, and if I say yes you’ll just go off on one.’

  Feeling the intolerable bite of frustration, Sabrina said, ‘Your attitude is going to get you into a lot of trouble one of these days, young lady.’

  Annabelle didn’t bother to reply. She simply put the drinks on the tray, took the biscuits and started towards the door.

  ‘There used to be a time when I was proud to call you my daughter,’ Sabrina told her, her voice shaking with anger and despair. ‘Now I just feel ashamed, and do you know why? Because you look like a tart, and I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find out you behave like one.’

  ‘You know what,’ Annabelle said nastily, ‘Alicia’s not the only one around here who can’t stand you, because there’s always me,’ and leaving her mother with tears of helplessness and fury stinging her eyes, she went off to feed her friends.

  Turning back towards the sink, Sabrina put her hands on the edge and held on tightly. She dared not let go of her emotions for fear of how fast and furiously they might tear through her if she did. Robert wouldn’t tolerate it if he thought she was still grieving, God knew he’d found it hard enough when he’d first broken the news of Craig’s death. Typically, he’d been patient and kind at first, understanding, in spite of how much it was hurting him, that she’d needed some time and space to come to terms with the loss. It would be too much to expect him to carry on considering her feelings when to his mind she had no right to them anyway, but how could she just put them aside as though they didn’t exist, when most of the time they were the only part of her that seemed real?

  While Robert was at the funeral, which he’d forbidden her to attend, she’d gone to the church, here in Holly Wood, and sat alone at the back, whispering to Craig in her mind, feeling the words in her heart. She’d told him how much she still loved him and always would. She’d pictured them together during the times they’d laughed and made love, forgetting the pain and wretchedness that had all but destroyed her after their break-up. She’d never believed then, and she still didn’t now, that he’d stopped loving her. No matter what he told Alicia, or himself, she’d always known that deep in his heart he remained hers. It was why she’d found their parting impossible to accept, and the news of his death had come as such a terrible blow. The dreams, the certainty, that one day they would be together could never now come true.

  And if they couldn’t she had to wonder if there was any point to going on.

  Were it not for Robert and Annabelle there really wouldn’t be, and she’d caused so much damage in her relationships with them that she often felt afraid that they might actually be better off without her. She asked herself, if there was a door she could open that would lead her to Craig, would she go through? Would she really turn her back on two people she loved so much, whom she felt as bonded to as her own heart, to be with another who was no longer in this world, and yet meant more to her than life?

  The answer was, she didn’t know, but a part of her was breathless with relief that there was no such door, so the choice didn’t have to be made.

  Chapter Four

  ‘Hey Mum, sorry did I wake you?’

  ‘No, not at all,’ Alicia lied, struggling to come to. ‘Is everything OK?’ Not, what time is it? How are you, darling? Or, what have you forgotten? Already an ocean of dread was closing around her heart, drowning the beat. Was this how it was going to be from now on, always living in fear that another sudden disaster had struck?

  ‘I’m cool,’ Darcie told her chirpily. ‘It’s just that my mobile might not work where we’re going today, so I didn’t want you to worry if
you couldn’t get hold of me.’

  ‘Where are you going?’ Alicia asked, glancing at the clock. Still only seven thirty, making it eight thirty in France.

  ‘Oh, just on a hike, but it’s pretty remote in places, apparently.’

  ‘Don’t forget to wear a hat and cover yourself in factor thirty,’ Alicia cautioned, thinking of her daughter’s tender fair skin.

  ‘Yeah, yeah. So how are you? Sorry I missed you last night, Verity and I went into the local village with her sister where they were having some kind of fete. It was really cool. Did you go over to Rachel’s for a barbecue in the end?’

  ‘I did,’ Alicia confirmed. ‘They all send their love. Una’s dying to see you.’

  ‘Tell her, me too,’ Darcie trilled, not adding she’s the only good thing about moving there, but Alicia heard it anyway. ‘So what are you doing today?’

  Alicia thought, then remembering, a swell of pleasure made her smile. ‘Nat’s arriving this afternoon,’ she reminded her. ‘I’m picking him up from the station at three.’

  ‘Oh yeah, of course. Is Summer coming with him?’

  ‘Yes. She’s staying until Wednesday, apparently.’

  ‘Mm.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Come on.’

  ‘It’s just that I’m not really sure about her,’ Darcie confessed.

  Knowing it was unlikely Darcie would feel sure about anyone who threatened to steal her place in Nat’s affections, Alicia said, ‘Nat likes her, and that’s what’s important.’

  ‘Do you? Be honest now.’

  ‘She’s OK.’ Alicia wouldn’t confide any more than that, since Darcie was likely to blurt it out to Nat. Not that she had anything against Summer, who’d certainly been there for Nat these last few months, it was simply that, like Craig, she could have wished Nat wasn’t involved in such a serious relationship when he was still so young.

  ‘Are you going to let them sleep together?’ Darcie asked.