Lost Innocence

by Susan Lewis

  Glancing back over his shoulder, Simon shrugged and grinned as though to say, ‘What’s a guy to do?’

  Nat saluted him with his beer, telling him to enjoy.

  Left alone, Nat continued to drink and look around. It seemed everyone was in couples, or even threes, and since he really didn’t want to get involved in an orgy, he stayed where he was. As soon as he’d finished this beer he’d be on his way, not because he was a prude, each to their own as far as he was concerned, but because he was driving and the last thing he wanted was to lose his licence when he’d only just got it. Added to which he’d told Summer there was no way he’d show up at this party, so if he hung around for a few minutes just to be sociable, he could tell her, in all honesty, that he’d only dropped in to keep Simon company until he got into the flow.

  Come to think of it, Simon was already in the flow and since there was no one to be sociable with, in the conventional sense, he might just as well disappear. So, downing the rest of his beer, he was about to make good his escape when he noticed a girl swinging indolently back and forth in a hammock at the far end of the pool. Until then he’d assumed Annabelle was inside somewhere getting it on with one or two of the crowd, but to his surprise she seemed to be on her own.

  Not entirely sure why he was doing this when he might so easily have got away without seeing her, he picked up a can of Coke and wandered over to say hi. He didn’t want to think that his motive was merely to get a look at her breasts, but if he was being honest with himself, he’d have to admit that it was playing a part. She’d always been seriously attractive, and now she had this amazing figure that no red-blooded man could ignore, he was finding himself as drawn to her as he’d been all those years ago when they’d used draughts as a cover for their childish fumblings.

  ‘Hey,’ he said, as he reached her.

  Her eyes fluttered open and as he came into focus she gave a sigh of pure pleasure. ‘Hey,’ she murmured back. ‘Look who’s here. So where’s the ginger one?’

  ‘Her name’s Summer,’ he retorted. ‘She’s in Italy.’

  ‘Oh yes.’ Her lips curved in a deliciously satisfied smile and she inhaled deeply as she closed her eyes. ‘Lovely,’ she whispered with a sigh.

  He lowered his gaze to her breasts and felt a surge of lust tighten his groin. Her nipples were dark, fully erect peaks on firm mounds of perfectly tanned skin. He knew if he stooped to touch her she’d do nothing to stop him, but as irresistible as she was he forced himself to look away.

  ‘I knew you’d come,’ she said softly.

  ‘Really?’ His voice sounded gruff and grating in this soporific setting. ‘That’s funny, because I didn’t.’

  She smiled dreamily. ‘I love you,’ she sighed, lifting her hands behind her head.

  He took a slug of Coke and heard himself say, ‘So how come you’re alone?’

  Fanning out her arms, she said, ‘Who knows? Anyway, I’m not now, because you’re here and I’m so happy I could float away, but if I did you’d still be here and I love you, so I want to stay with you.’

  ‘How much have you had?’ he asked, feeling ludicrously square.

  She smiled and giggled. ‘Why don’t you come and sit down? There’s plenty of room.’

  ‘I’m cool,’ he said, taking a step back as she reached for him.

  Stretching languorously she arched her back, pushing her breasts tantalisingly towards him. ‘Do you think they’ve grown?’ she said. ‘You can touch them if you like.’

  Turning away he kicked off his shoes and went to sit on the edge of the pool, dangling his feet in the water. Though he was rock hard, he wasn’t going to let himself do this. Sure, he might want to, but he wasn’t in the business of screwing girls who put it out there the way she did. Besides, he loved Summer.

  ‘Don’t tell me you’re shy,’ she teased. ‘You never used to be.’

  ‘That was a long time ago.’

  ‘You haven’t forgotten though, have you, I can tell.’

  Not bothering to answer, he took another sip of his drink and brought a foot out of the water to rest an elbow on his knee.

  ‘You look like your dad,’ she told him. ‘I expect everyone says that.’

  He didn’t respond. There was nothing he could say, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to get into a conversation with her about his father, especially not here.

  ‘It must have been horrible for you…’

  ‘Let’s just leave it,’ he cut in.

  She rolled her head to one side and back again. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.’

  ‘You haven’t.’

  A few minutes ticked idly by. He was aware of a girl wandering like a sylph through the trees close by, and the low burble of voices now the music had stopped. Theo, the host, climbed out of the pool at the opposite end and padded naked across the terrace into the house. A moment or two later the haunting sound of Take That began drifting around the garden, as ephemeral and intoxicating as the perfumed smoke.

  ‘Your mum’s still really cut up about it, isn’t she?’ Annabelle said.

  Nat tensed. Why wouldn’t she let it go?

  ‘Mine is too.’

  He frowned and half glanced back in her direction. What the hell did her mother have to do with anything? He couldn’t give a flying fuck how Sabrina felt about his father’s death, or anything else come to that. Why would he, when the woman was a first-class bitch and actively hated his mother? So if this was Annabelle’s half-cocked way of letting him know that his father had been special to everyone, she’d do a lot better to leave her mother out of it. In fact, his time here was over, he decided, and got to his feet. There was no point hanging around when he had no intention of getting off his face, had zero interest in pulling, and even less in continuing a futile conversation with a doped-up Annabelle.

  ‘See you,’ he said shortly, and scooping up his shoes he walked back to the bar, dumped his can in a plastic sack and left through a side gate. Simon would easily find a ride home if he wanted one, but chances were it wouldn’t be until after dawn.

  By the time Nat drew up outside the Coach House it was almost two in the morning, so seeing the lights still on in the sitting room caused a tremor of fear to shoot through him. His immediate thought was that something had happened to Darcie, and leaping out of the car he ran up the path to let himself in the front door.

  ‘Mum!’ he called, pushing open the sitting-room door. He was about to shout again when he saw her curled up in one of the armchairs, fast asleep.

  Dizzied by relief, he picked his way through the boxes she’d evidently been unpacking, and was about to wake her when he saw the wedding album in her lap. Kneeling down next to her, he gazed at the photograph she’d been looking at before dropping off. It was one of her favourites, he realised, of her looking radiant in her lovely shimmering dress, with his father standing beside her, tall and striking in his dark grey tails and lemon cravat, and watching her in his typically sardonic way as she laughed uproariously at something he’d just said. Nat couldn’t remember what it was now, but his father had told him once and it had made him laugh too.

  It brought a lump to his throat to think of her sitting here alone going through her memories, and having no one to share them with. She’d loved his father so deeply that his death must have left a terrible gap in her life. They’d been so happy together, always laughing, or touching, or sharing little snippets from their days, mainly about him and Darcie, but often about other things too, like the cases his father was working on, or the new ideas his mother was developing for her art. They always took the time to listen to him and Darcie and all their childish nonsense, making them feel the most important people in the world even when they were still very small.

  There had been dark times too, nights when they’d argued a lot, and he’d heard his mother crying and shouting, but Nat had always buried his head under the covers, not wanting to hear. By then he’d been old enough to know that all married couples rowed, but
he hated to hear his parents raising their voices to one another, so he’d deliberately shut it out.

  He wondered now what had happened to make his mother unhappy before his father had died. He supposed he could guess, if he wanted to, but he’d rather not. Or he could ask, but he didn’t want to do that either. Something had got to his father one night though. It was a night he would never forget.

  ‘Nathan, will you please sit at the table now,’ his mother snapped irritably. ‘Your food’s ready and you can send that text later.’

  ‘I’ve almost finished,’ he argued, carrying on with what he was doing.

  ‘Where’s Dad?’ Darcie said, bouncing into the kitchen. ‘He was here when I came home.’

  ‘He went out for a run,’ Alicia told her. ‘He’ll be back any minute. Now you sit at the table too, please. Nathan, I won’t tell you again, and why are you wearing that shirt? You’re supposed to be keeping it clean for my show on Friday.’

  ‘I’ve got a date, remember,’ he protested. ‘She’s finally agreed to go out with me.’

  ‘Who?’ Darcie demanded.

  ‘Who do you think? Summer Corby.’

  ‘That’s a nice name,’ Darcie commented. ‘Summer. Much better than mine. Why did you have to call me Darcie?’ she asked her mother.

  ‘Dad chose it, and it’s a beautiful name. OK, Nat, hold up your plate. How much sauce do you want?’

  ‘Loads if it’s carbonara … Oh for God’s sake!’ he cried, leaping up as Alicia spooned tomato sauce on to his pasta and it splashed on to the front of his shirt. ‘Look what you’ve done, you stupid woman. What’s the matter with you? I can’t wear this …’

  ‘Nathan!’ Craig barked.

  Nathan turned in horror to see his father glaring at him thunderously from the doorway. ‘But look what she …’

  ‘Go into the sitting room now,’ Craig growled, his dark eyes showing real anger.

  Ashen-faced, Nat left the table and skulked past his father into the hall. His father smelled of sweat and cold air and a faint hint of booze.

  Once the sitting-room door had closed, Craig tugged the towel from round his neck and slammed it into the arm of the sofa. ‘Don’t you ever let me hear you speak to your mother like that again, do you hear me?’ he roared.

  Nat’s head was hanging as he nodded.

  ‘Answer me.’

  ‘Yes, I hear you,’ Nat said.

  ‘Sit down there,’ Craig said, pointing to the sofa.

  Knowing better than to cross his father when he was in this kind of mood, Nat slumped into the sumptuous cream leather cushions.

  ‘Your mother is the most important person in your life,’ Craig told him harshly. ‘I hope you realise that.’

  ‘Yes, of course,’ Nat mumbled.

  ‘She loves you, and I know you love her, but love isn’t always enough, son. It has to come with respect, and what I heard just now showed no respect at all. Is that how you feel about her, that she’s unworthy of your respect?’

  ‘No, of course not.’

  ‘Do you ever hear me speak to her like that?’

  ‘No, never.’

  ‘Then why did you?’

  ‘I don’t know. I mean, I was angry, because … Look at my shirt.’

  ‘I don’t care about your damned shirt, it’s your attitude that’s the problem. You’ve got a date tonight, with a girl who matters to you, yes? But what good are you to her if you don’t know how to treat her right?’

  ‘Dad, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said …’

  ‘It’s too late. The words are out. This is a lesson in thinking before you speak.’

  ‘Yes, Dad.’

  ‘You’ll apologise to your mother before you go a step further tonight.’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘And you’ll launder the shirt yourself as a punishment.’

  Nat nodded, relieved that he was getting off so lightly. Then came the killer blow.

  ‘Now you’ll call your new girlfriend and tell her you’re sorry, but you can’t make it tonight after all, then you’ll go to your room and write an essay on respect.’

  Nat was staring at him in horrified protest. ‘Dad, no. Please … I swear I didn’t mean to be rude. I’ll apologise to Mum, I’ll do anything you say, but please don’t stop me going out tonight.’

  Craig was adamant. ‘One day, when you’ve qualified as a lawyer,’ he said, ‘and you’re dealing most of the time with men who physically and verbally abuse their wives, mothers, girlfriends, you’ll remember this day, and you’ll understand that their monstrous behaviour starts in the home. They’re almost always carbon copies of their fathers, and that’s not who I am, Nat. I despise those men, and I won’t tolerate you behaving anything like them. I respect your mother. I love her more than I’m capable of putting into words. That’s how I want you to be with the girls you meet, always respectful and one day, when the right one comes along, loving and loyal too. Does that sound like good advice?’

  ‘Yes,’ Nat nodded.

  ‘Is that who you’re going to be? Someone who’s respectful, loving and loyal?’

  ‘Yes,’ Nat promised.

  ‘Craig, that’s enough now,’ Alicia said, coming into the room. ‘He’s sorry and you shouldn’t be taking your frustrations out on him.’

  * * *

  Realising his mother had come awake and was watching him, Nat looked at her and smiled.

  ‘What are you thinking about?’ she whispered, touching his face.

  He grimaced and slanted his eyes away. ‘Actually, it was the time Dad told me off for not respecting you,’ he answered. ‘Do you remember how ballistic he went?’

  ‘I do,’ she said, sitting a little straighter. ‘He was going through a difficult time.’

  Nat’s interest perked. ‘What do you mean?’ he asked carefully.

  Alicia wiped her hands over her face and stifled a yawn. She wasn’t going to tell him that it was guilt and self-loathing for betraying her that had made his father so angry that night, but she could tell him what else had been on Craig’s mind.

  After sending Nat into the kitchen, Alicia closed the sitting-room door behind him and said, ‘They’re good lessons, Craig, because he should respect women, but we both know that outburst was more about you and how you’re feeling than it was about what he said.’

  Craig didn’t even try to deny it. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, pushing his hands through his hair. ‘I know I overreacted, but it’s tearing me apart the way we’re not as close as we used to be. I wish to God I could turn back the clock, or do something to prove to you that every time I’m out late, or working away from home, or even taking a phone call, there’s nothing to worry about. You mean everything to me …’ He rubbed a fist into his eyes, then to her alarm she realised he was crying.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he gulped, as she came to comfort him. ‘It’s not just us … I had some news today …’ His eyes closed as the awfulness of it swept over him again. ‘You remember the arsonist case in Bristol?’ he said.

  She frowned. ‘That was months ago,’ she replied, ‘and wasn’t it thrown out?’

  He nodded. ‘I got it dismissed on a technicality. The arresting officer hadn’t followed proper procedure …’He took a breath. ‘The slimeball of an arsonist has struck again,’ he said. ‘A young mother lost both her children in a fire last night.’ His final words were choked with remorse and as he buried his face in Alicia’s shoulder she held him close. ‘Why the hell didn’t that damned police officer do her job properly?’ he growled. ‘All she had to do was make sure he understood his godamned rights … But I blame myself. I knew he was likely to re-offend, but I stuck to the law and made her look a fool in court. My pathetic victory has cost an innocent woman everything that matters in the world. Jesus Christ, what’s the matter with me, Alicia? Why am I getting everything so wrong?’

  When she had finished telling the story Alicia gazed into Nat’s eyes, and felt her heart turn over to see how troubled he was
for his father. Nat’s conscience had the same integrity, which was too much, some would say, for a lawyer, but they were the cynics who hadn’t had the privilege of dealing with someone like Craig Carlyle.

  ‘So that’s why he was so upset with me that night,’ Nat said. ‘He had all that going on in his head?’

  And more, she was thinking.

  ‘It wasn’t his fault though, was it?’ Nat said.

  She shook her head. ‘The blame lay squarely with the arsonist, but Dad felt responsible, even though he was only doing his job.’

  Nat went on thinking about it for a moment. ‘Is this bloke in prison now?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes. He went down for life, but Dad didn’t play a part in his trial.’ He just gave all his money to the victims’ family, which is why we’re in the financial mess we are now, she didn’t add. But at least she had her children, and no amount of money could ever make up for losing them.

  Nat nodded. A small light started to shine in his eyes as he said, ‘You got him to back down about my date with Summer, remember?’

  Alicia smiled. ‘You still had to write the essay though.’

  He rolled his eyes. ‘Tell me about it. It took me a whole week to come up with two thousand words on respect. And I had to launder the shirt.’

  She laughed.

  He looked down at his hands, resting in hers. ‘He was pretty special, wasn’t he?’ he said quietly.

  She thought of the betrayal, but then she thought of his kindness and love, the joy and pride he’d taken in his children, and the integrity that had been so much more a part of him than the weaknesses. ‘Yes,’ she whispered, still not used to speaking about him in the past tense, ‘yes, he was.’

  Chapter Ten

  ‘Apparently things have changed since our day,’ Rachel commented drily over lunch the following Tuesday. ‘Sounds to me more like an orgy than a party. I bet Jemima and Bob McAllister didn’t know anything about it.’

  ‘I’m sure you’re right,’ Alicia agreed, tearing off a piece of bread. ‘I’m told they’re in Greece for a month.’

  ‘Lucky them. So did Nat get involved, do you know?’