Lost Innocence

by Susan Lewis

  As Annabelle wandered into the kitchen, wearing a sleeveless blouse over a long, pale blue pareo, her eyes were bloodshot and tired and her face was blotched with uneven patches of red. ‘Where’s Mum going?’ she asked Robert, as Sabrina’s car left the drive.

  ‘To pick up Bethany Cottle,’ he answered, engrossed in the paperwork spread out on the table in front of him.

  ‘What for?’ Annabelle protested. ‘I don’t hang out with her, and anyway, I already said I’d rather be on my own tonight.’

  Robert gestured towards the phone. ‘You can always call and tell her to come back,’ he said, turning over a page.

  Ignoring the suggestion, Annabelle padded to the fridge and took out a large block of Cheddar cheese. After cutting a thick slice, she glanced at him sideways. ‘Fancy a toasted sandwich?’ she asked, her tone daring him to say yes.

  ‘No thanks,’ he replied, hiding his surprise, since she rarely waited on anyone but herself these days.

  After finding a bap, she cut it in half, put the cheese in the middle, and jammed the whole thing into the toaster.

  ‘That’s not how to do it,’ Robert said mildly.

  ‘I know.’

  He made a few notes on a page, then turned to another. ‘Like some help?’ he offered.

  ‘It’s OK, I can do it.’ A moment later she popped the sandwich out of the toaster and stuffed it into the panini grill.

  ‘What are you doing?’ she asked, glancing up from the study of her nails.

  ‘I’m one of the judges for a young scientist award,’ he answered, ‘so I’m having a look through some of the entries.’

  ‘Mm,’ she grunted. Then, ‘Are they any good?’

  ‘Some, yes.’

  With a sigh, she wandered over to the window and stood staring out at the garden.

  To Robert’s mind she seemed tense and angry, or perhaps she was nervous, he couldn’t quite tell. Then suddenly she said, ‘Why didn’t you leave her?’

  Knowing exactly what she meant, but continuing to appear partially engrossed in his papers, he said, ‘It wasn’t as simple as that.’

  Her back was still turned. ‘Why not? Oh, you mean this is your house, so you’d have had to throw her out. So why didn’t you? I know I would if I was in your shoes.’

  ‘It didn’t have anything to do with whose house it was,’ he answered, ‘it was about your mother and me, and the bond we share in spite of everything.’

  After digesting that, Annabelle turned round and leaned against the counter top. ‘Didn’t it bother you that she was all cut up over another man?’ she asked testily.

  ‘Of course it did.’

  ‘So I don’t understand why you didn’t just tell her to go.’

  Deciding to put his pen down now, he sat back in his chair and regarded her steadily. Though she was trying to make this all about her mother, he knew it was really about her, and how she’d dealt with the last two years. ‘What your mother felt for Craig,’ he said, wanting to be as open and honest with her as he could, in spite of how much it was hurting him, ‘was like an obsession. It consumed her, so she could hardly think about anything else. There isn’t really a way to explain how, or why, these things happen, they just do. You can call it a grand passion, a great love, a whirlwind romance, whatever you like, but while it’s happening those who are involved can’t see anything else. It’s as though there isn’t anything else. When your mother’s affair with Craig ended it was more than she could bear. For a long time she really wasn’t in her right mind, so all the times she ignored you, or pushed you away, or said things to hurt you, none of it was meant. She couldn’t help the way she was, she was suffering a kind of illness that needed time to heal.’

  ‘I think she was just being selfish and seriously up herself and couldn’t care less about anyone else,’ Annabelle declared tartly.

  ‘Love is very selfish,’ he agreed, ‘which is partly why I didn’t ask her to leave. I was being selfish too, because I wouldn’t only have lost her, which I really didn’t want to happen, I’d have lost you too and for me that wasn’t an option. I know I’m not your real father, but I think of you as my daughter, and before…Well, before things started going wrong, I don’t know if you remember, but you used to call me Dad from time to time. I liked that. It made me feel very proud indeed to think of you as mine.’

  Annabelle’s face tightened to hide the confusion she was feeling. ‘I still think you should have thrown her out,’ she said belligerently. ‘She doesn’t deserve someone like you.’

  He smiled.

  ‘I mean it,’ she insisted. ‘She doesn’t care about anyone else. She’s only ever interested in herself.’

  ‘She cares a great deal about you.’

  Her lip curled. ‘Yeah, it really shows,’ she sneered sarcastically. ‘It wouldn’t bother her if I walked out of that door right now and never came back.’

  ‘Actually, it would bother her a lot. It would bother me too, so I hope you’re not thinking about doing it.’

  She turned her head impatiently to one side.

  When she seemed to have no more to say, he said, very gently, ‘Can I give you a small piece of advice?’

  She immediately stiffened.

  ‘The panini grill works better when you turn it on,’ he told her.

  Her eyes darted to it, and determined not to laugh, she said sharply, ‘I’m not hungry now, anyway,’ and with a toss of her hair she flounced off back to her room.

  ‘Nat, darling, it’s Mum. Are you OK?’

  ‘Yeah, I’m cool. What about you? Is Darcie back?’

  ‘She’s right here, but I wanted to have a quick word first. Summer’s called a couple of times asking for your number and I can’t keep stalling her. What do you want me to do?’

  Nat was standing in front of the huge picture window of Jolyon and Marianne’s apartment, gazing out at a spectacular view of the Clifton suspension bridge and Leigh Woods beyond. Way down at the bottom of the gorge, so far he could hardly see it, was the thin, sludgy meander of the River Avon, where all the suicides ended up when they jumped from Brunel’s masterpiece. ‘I guess you’d better give it to her,’ he said, his eyes barely focused on anything.

  ‘OK, if you’re sure. Is everything all right with Jolyon and Marianne?’

  ‘Yeah. They’re out doing some shopping. We’re going to the Colston Hall tonight to see Billy Bragg.’

  ‘Really? You’ll enjoy that.’

  ‘I expect so. Shall I speak to Darcie now? You haven’t told her anything, have you?’

  ‘I had to,’ Alicia replied. ‘I didn’t want her finding out from anyone else.’

  A pale line showed around his mouth as he said, ‘OK. Put her on then.’

  A moment later Darcie’s bossy voice came down the line. ‘Nat, I don’t want you to worry about anything,’ she told him. ‘I’m not going to let her get away with this. I’m going to talk to her…’

  ‘Darce, stop,’ he interrupted. ‘You mustn’t get involved. It’s too complicated and there’s too much at stake, so please, promise me you won’t try to interfere.’

  ‘But someone has to. I know Jolyon and Oliver are doing everything they can, but I think someone has to talk to Annabelle.’

  ‘Maybe, but it can’t be you. We’re not allowed to go near her, and if you try you might end up making things worse. So stay away from her, Darce, OK? Just take care of Mum and make sure she doesn’t get too down. Now, tell me what you’re planning to do for the next few days.’

  ‘I don’t really have any plans yet,’ she answered, sounding less sure of herself now. ‘I thought you were going to be here and we’d help Mum with the shop and stuff.’

  ‘She still needs help, and it’ll be good for her to have something to distract her. I’ve been trying to talk her into using Grandpa’s old surgery as a studio until she can use the one at the shop, so offer to help set it up.’

  ‘I really wish you were going to be here,’ Darcie wailed.

 
‘I’ll probably come back on Wednesday, after the hearing,’ he told her. ‘I just can’t go within a hundred yards of Uncle Robert’s house.’

  ‘Who’d want to with her there?’ she snapped. ‘Anyway, what hearing?’

  ‘I have to go to court on Wednesday. It’s no big deal, just a referral kind of thing, so I don’t want you to come, OK? And try to get Mum to stay away too, it’ll only upset her.’

  ‘What does a referral mean?’

  ‘It’s where they set dates for the next hearings and for when everyone has to serve papers, all boring stuff, so nothing to get excited about.’ He turned around at the sound of the front door opening. ‘Jolyon’s back now,’ he said, ‘so I should go. Can I have a quick word with Mum first?’

  A moment later Alicia was saying, ‘Hi darling. Everything OK?’

  ‘Stop asking me that,’ he suddenly snapped. ‘No, it’s not OK, but right now there’s not a whole lot I can do about it.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, ‘force of habit.’

  He was sorry too, and feeling guilty for biting her head off, and angry for being in this stupid position. ‘Just make sure Darcie doesn’t try to take matters into her hands,’ he said. ‘I want to come home on Wednesday, but I won’t be able to if she goes over there trying to talk to Annabelle.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll make sure she understands how important it is that she doesn’t.’

  After passing the phone to Marianne so she could have a chat with his mother, Nat went to help Jolyon bring in the shopping. It was good being here, not having to deal with his mother worrying and fussing, but at the same time he hated being away from her. It was his duty to try to take care of her, and to be strong for her, especially now he knew what his father had put her through … Every time he thought of that a surge of rage caught in his heart. His father was a hypocrite, a liar, an adulterer. He wasn’t the man Nat had always believed him to be, so who was he? He was tempted to ask Jolyon, but couldn’t bring himself to mention it. He only wanted to protect his mother so that no one could hurt her like that again. Yet every minute of the day was a living hell for her now, as she worried about what was going to happen to him.

  He was scared out of his mind too, not only of being found guilty of rape, but of what he’d decided to do if he was.

  Chapter Nineteen

  It was Tuesday evening and Alicia was in the playroom-cum-study with Darcie, sorting through old toys and games to pass on to charity, when the phone started to ring. Being the closest, Darcie dragged the handset across the floor towards her and clicked on.

  ‘Hello,’ she said, lifting a foot for her mother to tug free the bin bag trapped under it.

  ‘Hello,’ a man said at the other end. ‘I know that’s not Alicia, so would it be Darcie, by any chance?’

  ‘Yes, it is,’ she replied, frowning as she tried to recognise the voice, until her suspicions kicked in and a troubled light flickered in her eyes. Was this the man Nat had warned her about? ‘Do you want to speak to Mum?’ she said cagily.

  ‘I’d love to, thank you. Please tell her it’s Cameron Mitchell.’

  She stiffened. Yes, it was him, and Nat didn’t approve, so neither did she. ‘I’ll see if she’s here,’ she said frostily, and covering the mouthpiece with one hand, she whispered to her mother, ‘You don’t want to talk to anyone tonight, do you?’

  Alicia blinked. ‘Depends who it is,’ she responded.

  ‘It’s no one. Don’t worry, I’ll tell him you’ll ring back another time.’

  ‘Hang on, hang on,’ Alicia said quickly. ‘Who is it?’

  Darcie slumped her shoulders. ‘Someone called something Mitchell,’ she said wearily.

  Getting to her feet, Alicia took the phone and carried it out to the kitchen. ‘Hi,’ she said, tucking the receiver under her chin as she filled the kettle. ‘Are you back in Somerset?’

  ‘I am,’ he confirmed. ‘We arrived a couple of hours ago so Jasper’s having a bit of a lie-down after the long drive, and I’m having a drink – not from his bowl, I hasten to add. I was calling to wish you and Nat luck for tomorrow, and to see if there’s anything I can do, like drive you there, or pick you up, or anything at all. You just have to say the word.’

  ‘That’s so kind of you,’ she responded warmly, realising that part of her would actually like to take him up on his offer to play chauffeur. However, being in little doubt of how her children would react if she did, she simply said, ‘Everything’s already arranged, thank you.’

  ‘Well, you know where I am. How’s Nat feeling about it all?’

  ‘He won’t discuss it much, but I can tell he’s as nervous as heck, even though it’s only a formality. He doesn’t want us to go to the court, but I think he might regret that when the time comes, so we’re going anyway, and if he’s upset we’ll wait outside.’

  ‘So Darcie’s going with you?’

  ‘I’m afraid there’s no talking her out of it.’

  Sounding both empathetic and amused, he said, ‘Having had some experience of girls her age, I know sometimes it’s easier simply to give in than to carry on the fight. The hearing’s at Wells, isn’t it? I hadn’t realised the court there was still active.’

  ‘Apparently it only sits once a month, so we’re quite lucky to get in – if you can call it luck. Otherwise we’d probably have had to go to Bristol or Bath. Anyway, the important thing is, he’s coming home with us after. I’ve really missed him these last few days, though it’s wonderful having Darcie back. She really livens the place up, and needless to say, she’s dying to see him.’

  ‘I’m sure.’ Then, with a sympathetic sigh, ‘Let’s hope your husband’s friends can put an end to this soon, so the three of you can get on with your lives.’

  ‘Hear, hear to that. Anyway, I guess I should be sorting something out for dinner. Thank you for calling. I really appreciate it.’

  ‘No problem. I didn’t want you to think I’d forgotten. I also wanted to tell you about an idea I’ve had concerning your shop, but now’s not the time, so I’ll wish you bon appétit and perhaps we’ll speak sometime tomorrow.’

  After ringing off Alicia replaced the phone on its base, and pulled open the fridge door to start seeking some inspiration for dinner. Though she was touched by Cameron’s thoughtfulness, and intrigued to know what his idea might be about the shop, her thoughts were soon swamped by the ordeal Nat was facing the following day, and how desperately worried she was about him and how the next few weeks were going to unfold.

  ‘But you can’t,’ Sabrina cried aghast. ‘You’re Annabelle’s stepfather. How’s it going to look if you turn up in support of her attacker?’

  ‘Her attacker, as you like to put it,’ Robert responded evenly, ‘is also my nephew, but the support is intended for my sister.’

  ‘And who’s going to know that? Or will you wear a badge?’

  Ignoring the sarcasm, he said, ‘I’m simply going to offer to drive her there and back. I don’t intend to go into the court.’

  ‘But she’s got a car. She can drive herself. No, Robert, I’m sorry. I won’t let you do this. Annabelle’s in a very vulnerable state at the moment, she needs to know she can count on us, and if she finds out you’re taking her violator’s mother to the court she’s going to think the same as everyone else, that you don’t believe her. I take it that isn’t the case.’

  Not wanting to be drawn on that, since he barely knew what to think from one day to the next, he said, ‘A jury will decide who’s telling the truth, if it gets that far.’

  Sabrina’s eyes widened. ‘And what’s that supposed to mean?’ she demanded angrily.

  ‘It means that the defence lawyers will do everything they can to get the case thrown out, and for all we know they might succeed.’

  ‘Over my dead body.’

  Rather than pursue the fatuousness of that, he said, ‘Did you see the message from Joanne Willoughby? It seems you’re being invited to join the royal book club.’

&n
bsp; Her pleasure at being accepted was spiked with annoyance at the deliberate barb.

  ‘So it was worth going on Saturday night,’ he added.

  ‘Apparently so,’ she retorted, ‘but you think I should have stayed here with Annabelle.’

  ‘As a matter of fact, I do.’

  ‘She had Bethany to keep her company, so it’s not as though she was on her own.’

  ‘She could have done with you being here.’ Speaking over her as she started to protest, he said, ‘You don’t, or shouldn’t, need me to point out that she’s going through an extremely difficult time at the moment, added to which she needs to understand what’s gone wrong between you two. I know you’re trying to avoid it, but only you can tell her.’

  Sabrina looked astounded. ‘Just because you took ten minutes out of your busy schedule to have a chat with her on Saturday night doesn’t give you the right to accuse me of avoiding or neglecting her. I’ve been there for her through every step of this, and I will continue to be until justice is done, which is a damned sight more than I can say for you, signing up for your sister’s pathetic little entourage at the first opportunity.’

  ‘In those ten minutes I managed to learn quite a lot about what’s going on inside her,’ he replied smoothly. ‘Not that I hadn’t suspected it before, but it was interesting to hear it from her.’

  ‘OK, parent of the year, what did you learn that you think I don’t already know?’

  ‘Actually, I think you do, you just don’t want to face up to what you put her through after your affair came to an end. I know, better than anyone, how hard it was to cope with you when you were trying to get over it, the way you screamed and ranted, begged me to take you to him, threatening to kill yourself, and hardly letting anyone near you. Annabelle was in the house too, remember, so to try telling yourself that it went over her head, or that she’s somehow magically forgotten it by now, would be self-deception of stupefying levels. She was no doubt scared witless when it was happening, had either of us bothered to notice, so I’m blaming myself for this too. I was so caught up in what it was doing to me, how rejected, and worried, and useless I was feeling, that I couldn’t see anything clearly. And there she was, as vulnerable and impressionable as any girl her age could be, and faced with your theatrics and rejection it’s hardly any wonder she started to seek attention elsewhere. So whether you like it or not, you and I have to take our share of the responsibility for how she’s ended up in the mess she’s in now.