Lost Innocence

by Susan Lewis

  Though they were in regular contact with Jolyon, so knew that he and Oliver were working hard preparing the defence papers, Nat almost never discussed what was happening, and Alicia didn’t try to make him. He’d never mentioned Craig’s affair either, but it was there between them, like a barrier they could see through, but didn’t know how to cross. She tried once or twice, but as soon as he realised where she was going he put up a hand and walked away.

  It was hard to find the right way to handle this, when she knew he must have so many questions and confusions, but even if he were prepared to discuss them, she wasn’t sure what she could tell him that might give him a better understanding of his father’s behaviour. After the horrible showdown with Sabrina Alicia’s own doubts and insecurities had resurfaced with a vengeance, and she didn’t want Nat to sense them. Knowing she was still suffering over his father’s betrayal would be sure to make his own bewilderment and disillusion even harder to bear.

  So she could only watch him withdrawing more deeply into himself, particularly after Jolyon’s calls, when she knew that he was wondering why they hadn’t managed to get the case thrown out yet. There was little, or nothing, she could say to alleviate their fears. They simply had to live through this now, pretending to themselves, and the rest of the world, that everything was going to work out just fine, when in truth they were becoming increasingly terrified that it might not.

  It wasn’t until ten days after Nat’s first court appearance that Alicia saw Cameron Mitchell again, though he’d rung a few times to find out how she was and to let her know he was there if she needed to escape for a while. Though she’d have dearly loved to spend a few hours talking about art, or house-hunting, or anything at all that didn’t concern the upcoming trial, she was too afraid of how Nat and Darcie would react if she took him up on his offer. Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to leave them, when the world had become a pressure cooker for them too, and no one was offering them an escape.

  ‘I was wondering,’ Cameron said when he called one evening, ‘if you were at all intrigued to know what my idea is concerning your shop – or perhaps you’ve forgotten I mentioned I’d had one.’

  ‘Actually, I do remember,’ she admitted, ‘but I didn’t like to ask in case it might seem …I don’t know, pushy I suppose.’

  He gave a laugh. ‘I think that’s the last thing anyone could accuse you of being,’ he told her. ‘Anyway, I’m keen to run this idea past you, but before I do, it’s important that I see your work. I’ve checked online, but couldn’t find anything.’

  ‘That’s because Nat’s still in the process of designing a new website for me, but I’d love to show you what I have. I’m not sure it’ll be quite to your taste though, and considering how famously outspoken you are when it comes to talent, or lack of it, I’m afraid my sensibilities might not be able to take it.’

  ‘OK, if I promise not to give you a hard time, no matter what I think, will you set a day for me to come over?’

  After searching in vain for an objection that wouldn’t entail telling him how set against him her children were, she said, ‘OK, but if you don’t like what I’m doing, how will that fit with your idea?’

  ‘Very easily, but I’ll be able to explain better once I’ve seen it – and, for the record, I’m sure it’ll be right up my street.’

  Not anywhere near as convinced herself, since she’d checked out his gallery online so knew his tastes ran more to abstract and postmodernism than to the offbeat kind of figurative style that was hers, she said, ‘Nat and Darcie are going to a horse show with Rachel on Tuesday, so if you’re free then…’

  ‘Give me a time and I’ll be there,’ he told her. ‘Oh, and I have some property brochures I’m hoping you’ll glance over while I’m sizing up your sculptures, if you wouldn’t mind.’

  ‘I’d be happy to,’ she told him, and after confirming the date and time again she rang off and stood thinking about the arrangement, and how she was going to break it to Nat and Darcie.

  In the end, she wandered out to the garden where they were playing badminton using the worn racquets and shuttlecocks they’d unearthed while clearing the playroom-cum-study. Since Nat and Simon had transported some of her equipment from the shop by now, the space had begun to resemble a temporary studio, but before she attempted to start work again she wanted to sort through her mother’s little cubbyhole of a study in order to turn it into a store.

  As she watched them play, she was trying not to focus too much on Nat, knowing he would sense it and immediately withdraw, the way he always did lately when he felt her eyes on him. Fortunately he wasn’t the same with Darcie, because they seemed as close as ever, if not closer.

  ‘I didn’t see you there,’ Darcie called out. ‘Fancy a game? You can be on my side and help me thrash him, because he keeps beating me.’

  ‘You’re the one who told me to stop letting you win,’ Nat reminded her, belting the shuttlecock over the net.

  ‘That was too fast,’ Darcie complained as she missed it. ‘Come on, Mum, save me from complete annihilation. There’s another racquet on the table.’

  Going to fetch it, Alicia took up position on Darcie’s side of the makeshift court, and twenty minutes later, after much grunting, running, voluble protesting and cheering, Nat was rolling his eyes at the pathetic performance of the female opposition.

  Laughing, as he went off to hose himself down in the shower, Alicia flopped into a deckchair, attempting to fan herself with her racquet, while Darcie lay spreadeagled on the grass getting her breath back. A few clouds were starting to gather, casting a bulbous shadow over the house, but it was still warm and the feeling of cool grass prickling softly between her toes was as refreshing as the thought of an ice-cold drink, which she was trying to summon the energy to go and get.

  ‘Mum?’ Darcie said, turning her head to squint up at her mother.

  ‘Mm?’ Alicia responded, idly batting away a fly.

  ‘I keep trying to work out why Annabelle’s doing this. I mean, she always used to be dead keen on Nat, so why’s she saying he hurt her when everyone knows he’d never hurt anyone?’

  Loving her unfailing loyalty, and wishing there was a way to take the confusion from her heart with a few simple words, Alicia sighed as she said, ‘I don’t know, sweetheart.’ She didn’t want to explain to Darcie all the possible complications of Annabelle’s motives, or to try to imagine what might be going on in the girl’s mind when she could only guess what it must have been like for her after Sabrina’s break-up with Craig. ‘I wish I did.’

  ‘He had sex with her though, didn’t he?’ Darcie said. ‘Or this wouldn’t be happening?’

  ‘I’m afraid so,’ Alicia replied, keeping her eyes closed so Darcie wouldn’t see the frustration and anger she felt on top of all the concern.

  ‘Una says Annabelle’s got a bit of a reputation for going with boys,’ Darcie went on, ‘even though she’s only fifteen.’

  Alicia sighed again. ‘Yes, I’ve heard that too,’ she said, ‘and if it’s true, which it seems to be, it’s a great pity Nat didn’t control himself a little better – and that Annabelle doesn’t value herself more highly than to sleep around with anyone.’

  ‘Except Nat’s not just anyone.’

  ‘No, but that’s not the point. It was wrong of him to have sex with a girl who’s underage, and who’s not even his girlfriend.’

  ‘Because it’s important to be in a special relationship before you do anything like that?’

  ‘Exactly. And over sixteen. I’m not sure Nat actually realised she was still only fifteen, but it doesn’t make a difference. She is, and now he’s in terrible trouble because of it.’

  Hearing Nat rattling about in the kitchen Darcie let the matter rest there, and when he came out with three glasses of blackcurrant squash, Alicia avoided his eyes as he passed her one, so he wouldn’t see how disappointed and angry she was with him for having got himself into this mess.

  ‘Oh yeah,’ Darcie said, s
hifting round to prop her head on Nat’s chest as he lay down on the grass beside her, ‘who was that on the phone just now? No one for me, I suppose?’

  Alicia swallowed some squash. She didn’t want to lie, but she was afraid that any mention of Cameron would start making them feel protective towards their father and end up causing another kind of friction that they just didn’t need right now. However, in the end, because she didn’t want to start hiding things from them, she said, ‘Actually, it was Cameron Mitchell. He wants to take a look at my work.’ She tried not to sound defensive as she went on, ‘I’m sure he’ll hate it, but if he doesn’t, who knows, he might be willing to help me try to sell it.’ She wouldn’t add how much they needed the money, because they really didn’t need to know how little there was left in the pot now.

  The answering silence stretched on long enough to make her want to shout at them to give her a break, but then to her surprise Nat said, ‘That’s great. So when’s he coming?’

  Stunned into confusion, it took a moment for her to say, ‘Next Tuesday. I thought while you two were at the show with Rachel, I could brace myself for the worst and take him to the shop.’

  ‘Isn’t everything still packed up?’ Darcie said.

  ‘Yes, but…’

  ‘I know,’ Darcie broke in, ‘we should help you jimmy open the crates and set it up like a little show. We’ve got loads of white sheets upstairs that we can put over tables and boxes, and Nat can do some blurbs about each piece on the computer.’

  ‘I could design a brochure,’ he said, picking up the theme. ‘Do you know where the digital camera is so we can take some shots? We need some for your website anyway, so this could be the perfect opportunity.’

  Amazed, and still not quite able to believe this was happening, Alicia said, ‘I’ve only got six pieces…’

  ‘That’s enough,’ Nat told her. ‘If we price them at four grand each and you sold only one…’

  ‘What?’ Alicia laughed. ‘I don’t sell them for that much. Nothing like.’

  ‘Then it’s time you did. Art is worth what someone will pay for it, and if you start low, so will they.’ Craig’s words to the letter.

  ‘But he’s not buying,’ she said, aware of the emotions swirling about inside her. This was starting to feel like the few other occasions she’d exhibited her work, when Craig and the children had thrown themselves into staging it all.

  ‘Doesn’t matter,’ Nat told her. ‘It’s important to show that you value yourself. Darce, go and find the camera while I dig out something we can use as a crowbar.’

  ‘He’s not coming until Tuesday,’ Alicia reminded them.

  ‘That gives us three days to set up a private show to blow his mind,’ Nat decided, ‘come on, it’ll be like old times,’ and after planting a kiss on her forehead he took off to the shed to rummage through the tools, while Darcie went in search of the camera and Alicia fought back tears of guilt for getting angry with them, and relief that she hadn’t let it show.

  ‘We’re getting damned good at this now,’ Craig declared, standing back to admire their handiwork after they’d finished setting up her third show. ‘I’m starting to think we could go into business.’

  ‘That would be so cool,’ Darcie agreed, clapping her hands, ‘but Mum’s the only artist we want to promote.’

  ‘Of course,’ he said seriously. ‘We’re very exclusive and only ever work with the best.’

  ‘Keep saying that,’ Alicia encouraged them. ‘I don’t care if you’re family, I’m ready to believe it.’

  ‘I’ve had a great idea,’ Nat piped up, ‘why don’t I write your reviews? I could sell them to a paper under another name and make some money.’

  Laughing excitedly, Darcie said, ‘And I can be your publicist, keeping the paparazzi at bay.’

  ‘Excellent idea,’ Craig remarked approvingly, ‘and I shall be her umbrella carrier, because it’s belting down outside and we’re due in the restaurant in ten minutes for our pre-show dinner. Everyone ready?’

  ‘Yes,’ Nat and Darcie chorused.

  ‘Then go and find us a cab while I have a little smooch with our number one client.’

  ‘Oh yuk, gross,’ Darcie retorted, screwing up her nose.

  ‘You two are so embarrassing,’ Nat informed them, as Craig swept Alicia into a romantic embrace.

  ‘And you two are extra to requirements,’ Craig murmured against Alicia’s lips, ‘so hop it and get a cab.’

  After they’d gone he kissed Alicia deeply, pressing his whole body to hers and seeming to wrap her in so much love that he made her feel like the most treasured woman alive.

  ‘How do you do that?’ she whispered as he pulled back to look at her, his dark eyes gazing lovingly into hers.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Make me feel so special after everything that’s happened.’ She swallowed. ‘Tomorrow I’ll be terrified again that you’re thinking of going back to her, but right now, I can actually believe you might still love me.’

  His tone was dark with sincerity as he said, ‘I’ve always loved you, Alicia, from the day we first met. Nothing’s ever changed that, and nothing ever will. One day you’ll know that’s the truth and won’t doubt it any more.’

  Alicia’s heart fluttered as she recalled that evening, and wished it was possible to replay memories like a film, so that Nat could remember it too, and hear what his father had said to her after he and Darcie had left the gallery that night.

  She wouldn’t tell him how she’d then asked Craig if he’d switch off his mobile for the evening in case Sabrina called to ruin it all. He’d agreed, and had even given her the phone so she could be sure he wasn’t sneaking outside to check if there were any messages or texts. She’d dropped it into the bottom of her bag and they’d both forgotten about it until after he’d left for work the next morning, when he’d called from chambers to ask if she could take it to Knightsbridge Crown Court, where he was going to be all day. Inevitably, she’d turned the phone on, and had immediately felt sick with anger and dread to find two messages from Sabrina. The first was telling Craig that she’d be in London the following Wednesday, so could he please call to let her know if he was able to see her? The second gave details of the hotel she’d booked them into.

  ‘She does this all the time,’ he cried, when Alicia confronted him outside the court. He was wearing his wig and gown, and looked both impressive and frustrated. ‘Just delete them. She’s crazy. She thinks if she just turns up that I will too, but it’s not going to happen. I swear it.’

  She’d believed him then, until he spent the night away from home the following Wednesday. In spite of calling the hotel near Winchester Crown Court and being put through to his room where he’d answered her call straight away, she’d had no way of knowing whether or not Sabrina was with him.

  ‘This is a stupid house, full of stupid people, in a stupid place,’ Annabelle seethed furiously.

  ‘Will you please keep your voice down,’ Sabrina hissed through her teeth.

  ‘Why? No one’s here.’

  ‘The staff speak English,’ Sabrina reminded her, ‘and I don’t appreciate being shouted at anyway. Now will you please do as you’re told?’

  ‘No! I don’t want to go to the Eden Roc for lunch, and that’s that. I hate it here. I want to go home.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous. You can’t possibly hate this place. Look at it.’ The sheer luxury of Annabelle’s room was indeed breathtaking, with all its pale grey marble, copious mauve silk drapes and Louis Quinze-style bed, but it was only one small part of this palatial villa, secreted away in its own parkland garden on the western side of the Cap d’Antibes.

  ‘I don’t care what it looks like, I don’t want to have lunch with all those stuck-up people.’

  ‘Then come to the yacht later.’

  ‘No! Same people. And anyway, I get seasick.’

  ‘We didn’t even leave the port yesterday,’ Sabrina pointed out impatiently, ‘so how could it have made
you feel sick?’

  ‘I don’t know. It just did, and I’m not going on it again.’

  Sabrina was close to stamping a foot in frustration. ‘Honestly, most girls your age would give anything to be having a holiday like this,’ she fumed, allowing her temper to rise over all the fear and guilt bottled up inside her. She couldn’t deal with Annabelle and everything that had gone wrong between them while they were here, in someone else’s home. They needed to be good guests, appreciative of the honour being bestowed on them, and do everything they could to keep their skeletons hidden from view. There would be plenty of time, when they got back to Holly Wood, to give them an airing. ‘Why do you have to be so difficult?’ she asked plaintively. ‘I’ve really been looking forward to this holiday, and now you’re spoiling it…’

  ‘I didn’t ask to come,’ Annabelle shouted. ‘They’re your friends, not mine, and I hate them. They’re really up themselves…’

  ‘And you’re not, with this attitude?’

  Annabelle’s eyes flashed, and sensing another explosion, Sabrina quickly said, ‘Look darling, I know you’re worried about the case, we all are, but every time I bring it up …’

  ‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ Annabelle seethed.

  ‘You see, you won’t discuss it. So why don’t we try to forget about it for a while and enjoy ourselves?’