by Colee Firman
Livvy took my hand and led me up the steps and into the house. I never looked back at Myles. I went straight to the bathroom and turned on the shower. I needed warmth against my freezing skin and white noise to soothe my racing mind—I needed to be alone.
My solitude only lasted long enough for me to close the shower curtain before I heard the door open. “Tom drove Myles’ truck home and Wyatt followed,” Livvy said.
I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall. “Ok…”
“Do you wanna talk?”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I said, dunking my head under the steaming water.
“Myles is back—he just told you he loves you.” Livvy said. “I’m pretty sure he meant it. That changes everything.”
I knew he meant it too—that was the worst part about what happened. “I have a boyfriend, Liv.”
“Jonah’s not your boyfriend—he’s your rebound.”
“God dammit…” When I started dating Jonah less than a week after Myles left me, Livvy was constantly calling him my rebound. It took a month of bitching before I got her to quit saying it. “Don’t start that shit again.”
“What shit—the truth? Myles is here—he loves you. You can drop that controlling asshole Jonah and sort shit out with the guy you really want.”
I pulled the edge of the curtain back and looked out at her sitting on the counter cross-legged. “Oh, now you’re a Myles enthusiast?”
“Hell yeah I am,” she said, dragging her fingers across the steamy mirror. “I just watched the guy on his knees in tears because he loves you. That’s like romance movie shit.”
“Which you absolutely hate.” I retreated back behind the privacy of the curtain and pressed my palms to my stinging eyes. “He was drunk and all worked up after fighting. He won’t even remember saying it in the morning.” I wasn’t going to forget it though. I doubted I’d ever shake the way his body trembled as he clung to me.
“You’re compartmentalizing you emotions.”
I stopped washing my body, wondering if I’d heard her correctly. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Compartmentalization,” Livvy said, enunciating the word like it was my first time hearing it. “You’re compartmentalizing to protect yourself from feeling emotionally vulnerable. That’s how you can be so apathetic to Myles.”
“I wasn’t apathetic to him,” I said, “and did one of the guys leave their psych book lying around?”
“If they did, you need to pick it up and take a quick skim though it,” she said. “You’ll see I’m right.”
I already knew I wasn’t the picture of mental health—my psychiatrist had told me practically the same thing two years earlier. I came by it honestly—being the spawn of a crook and a murderer will do that to you. A little compartmentalization is allowable. Hell, it’s a requirement for survival.
“You only told Myles you’d meet him in the morning to get him to leave, didn’t you?”
“No. I’m going,” I said, slightly offended she’d think that. “If he needs to get some things out so he can move on, I can give him a few minutes to do it.”
“And what if it changes the way you feel?”
Dammit. She was being relentless. I just wanted a quiet shower but I felt like I’d stepped into a hot and steamy interrogation room. “It won’t. It can’t—I’m not single anymore.” No matter what Myles had to say in the morning—we were over. I had a boyfriend who loved me—he was all I needed. “I’m going to tell him about Jonah. That’ll help him accept it’s over.”
I heard Liv sigh and then her feet hit on the floor. “If you believe that then you don’t know shit about guys.” The door jerked opened and then was shut hard.
I sat down in the tub and wrapped my arms around my knees, letting the water pound on the back of my head. Seeing my dad and then having to leave him left me feeling drained. Adding Jonah’s tantrum in the car and Myles falling apart outside had me at my breaking point.
Livvy suddenly turning into a bathroom psychiatrist didn’t help either. She’d forgotten that Myles was the one who left me—no note, no good-bye, no nothing.
Still, the longer I sat there, the more the feelings Myles stirred consumed me. Once again, he’d shown up in my life and shook everything I knew. When the dust settled he’d be gone and I’d be left alone to pick up the pieces. I hated how he could do that to me.
When I put my past out there so Myles would know what he was getting into with me, I knew it was a huge risk. My biggest fear came true when he rejected me. If he was regretting his decision now, he was just going to have to find a way to live with it. Things had changed and we couldn’t go back. Life was leading us down different paths. Our only choice was letting go.
Twenty-Seven
Myles
Until I saw Brantley’s car in the parking lot of the diner, I didn’t think she was really going to meet me. I parked next to her and flipped down the mirror on the visor, cursing at the bruise on my cheek. Every time she looked at me she was going to have a dark purple reminder of what a fucking asshole I’d made of myself the night before.
The diner was jammed. Considering it was the day before Christmas Eve that was typical—and probably why Brantley wanted to meet there. After the scene on her front lawn there was no way she’d allow herself to be alone with me.
There was a line of people waiting for tables to open up. I spotted Brantley with her back to me seated in one of the small two person booths by the window. I cut around the crowd and started toward her.
My stomach was wrecked and my head was throbbing. The hangover on top of dread about facing her after what I’d done—everything I’d done was killing me. I’d considered sending her a text to apologize and just telling her she didn’t have to meet me—it’s not like she owed me anything.
The selfish bastard in me couldn’t do it though. I had to see her. I needed to talk to her when I wasn’t wasted and explain things. She needed to know she was perfect and hadn’t done anything to make me leave her the way I did. I needed her to know it wasn’t her fault.
Brantley looked over her shoulder and spotted me. A smile spread across her face and she waved. That was the last thing I expected from her after the shit I pulled the night before. I returned her smile and scooted into the bench across from her.
“Well, at least Tucker got one hit on you,” she said, watching as I slipped my arms out of my jacket. “His face is so swollen that the guys have been calling him Pudge all morning.”
“I shouldn’t have started shit with them,” I said, shaking my head. “I was drunk—being an asshole.”
“Yeah, you were…” She picked up her coffee cup and took a sip. “But they should’ve let me know you were there. We could’ve talked and been done with all this.”
“Yeah…” The indifference in her voice hurt. It was clear she just wanted me to say my piece and let her get out of there. I figured I may as well just get it over with. “The day I—”
“Ready to order?” The waitress asked, staring at us with her notepad and pen ready.
I glanced at Brantley, waiting for her to tell me if we were ordering or not.
“I’m ready…” She pointed at the dry erase board on the wall over the counter. “I’ll have the breakfast special with my eggs scrambled and rye toast,” she said, smiling up at the woman. “Can you also bring some grape jelly please?”
“You got it,” the waitress said, turning her eyes to me. “What about you?”
“I’ll just have the same, but with wheat toast.” My stomach felt too torn up to eat, but if it meant a little more time with Brantley I’d choke down some food.
She nodded as she scribbled down our order. “Coffee?”
“Yeah, sure,” I said.
She nodded and walked away.
Brantley wrapped her hands around her coffee cup and looked across the table at me. “What kind of food do you eat in Japan?”
“Food?” That was a completely random question. “Whatever they
put in front of me. Well, unless it still has its eyes attached. That’s usually where I draw the line.”
“Eww…” She crinkled her nose and shook her head. “What else? What about rice or—”
“Ramen?” I couldn’t help smiling. She had no idea how many times I thought about her when I saw someone eating a bowl of noodles.
“Yes,” she said, smiling back at me. “Do they really have ramen stands?”
I nodded. “Some have vending machines with pictures for the tourists where you pick what you want and pay. Then you give your ticket to the counter and they make it.”
“That’s kind of awesome.”
“It gets better,” I said, smiling slightly. “Some vending machines make the ramen for you. After a few seconds you open the little door and it’s just sitting there—like hot chocolate or coffee from a machine.”
Her jaw dropped. “That’s it—I need a freaking ramen vending machine for my—”
“Here you go.” A mug was placed down in front of me and a steaming stream of coffee was poured into it. “Your food will be right out,” the waitress said, topping off Brantley’s cup.
“Thanks…” I watched Brantley pouring cream into her cup and swirling the spoon around.
She glanced up and caught my eye. “Want the cream?”
“No.” She looked so normal and unaffected by having me there. The little spark I used to see in her eyes when she looked at me was gone. I could’ve been anyone sitting across from her—she was completely indifferent.
She tapped her spoon against the edge of her mug and then placed it down on her napkin. “So how long will you be in Baylor Grove?”
“Until the day after Christmas. I’m leaving early Tuesday morning. I couldn’t take much time off work.” It looked like we were back to the small talk. Since it was better than sitting in awkward silence, I figured I may as well roll with it. “What about you? Are you working now?”
Brantley nodded. “At Wyatt’s company—just doing basic office stuff.”
That wasn’t the answer I expected. My parents saw her bartending at Revere’s Grill. That seemed more like her than an office job. She’d told me before that she couldn’t imagine sitting behind a desk. “You like it?”
”It’s good—exactly what I need,” she said, looking into her coffee cup before taking a sip. “It’s full time, benefits and all that.”
A few moments of silence passed as we both drank our coffee. Finally I spoke when she didn’t. “So it’s Christmas—you mentioned you visit your dad around this time of year.” I didn’t know if it was safe to go there, but I needed something to bring us back around to the real reason we were there to talk. “When are you going?”
She was quiet for a few seconds and then dropped her eyes. “I went yesterday afternoon.”
I wasn’t sure whether to press ahead or not, but she looked upset. I needed to know why. “You didn’t have a good visit?”
“I did—it was good. I gave him pictures he’d never seen before of me and the boys from a few years ago for Christmas.” She looked at me with sadness clouding her eyes. “It’s always just so hard—you know, spending so little time with him and then having to leave.”
“I’m sorry, Brant.” I felt like an even bigger asshole for showing up at her house wasted. “I’m sorry for all that shit last night. You were already feeling bad enough without having to deal with my drunk ass.”
“Don’t worry about it.” She shrugged and gave me what was obviously a forced smile. “You didn’t know.”
If I hadn’t fucked things up between us I would’ve known. I hated not being able to comfort her when she looked so sad. “How was he though? Did he say dorky dad shit like you’re getting so big?”
A genuine smile finally spread across her face. “He claimed he barely recognized me. I burned him right back for the amount of grey—which he claims is silver, he has now.”
“Silver is more badass than grey,” I said, smiling just because she was. “Ladies love silver hair—why do you think so many old dudes score hot young chicks?”
“I just thought it was because they have money,” she said, laughing. “But I have to admit—dad’s gonna be a silver fox when he gets out. I’ll be running women off.”
“Yeah, I’m sure he’ll appreciate that.” I loved the soft shade of pink that spread across her cheeks when she laughed. It made her more beautiful, if that was even possible. “How long until he’s out?”
“He comes up for parole in three years,” she said, chewing on her bottom lip. “Jen doesn’t think there’ll be any issues getting him released. It just feels like forever…”
“It’ll go by fast.” I dropped my hands into my lap to stop from reaching across the table and wrapping my fingers around hers. “The rest of your visit was good though?”
Brantley sipped her coffee as if thinking about my question. “He was trying to be all parental like I’m twelve years old still. Giving me a hard time about—” She shook her head slowly and looked down at her hands. “—all kinds of stuff. The first thing he asked me was how school was going.”
“And?” I’d completely forgotten she’d be back in school. “How’s it going?”
“I’m not in school right now,” she said, diverting her eyes. “My dad wasn’t happy. He ordered me to enroll as soon as the new semester starts.”
“He’s right, Brant. You need to be in school.” I knew by the look on her face it came out sounding like I was lecturing her. “It’s just important…”
“Really?” She made sure I saw her roll her eyes. “Says the guy who decided to quit Princeton to play video games.”
“Cheap shot,” I said, pointing at her. “I’m gonna work on finishing my degree as soon as I get home.”
Brantley was quiet for a few seconds as she held my gaze. “When will that be?”
“May.” My pulse picked up as she kept her eyes fixed on mine. I saw something that wasn’t there before—the little sparkle. Hope flickered that maybe it wasn’t too late. “Possibly sooner if—”
An arm holding a plate suddenly blocked Brantley from my view. “You have the wheat toast, right?”
“Yeah…” Fucking ninja waitress. Not her fault, but dammit if she didn’t have terrible timing.
She put a plate down in front of Brantley and then looked between us. “Anything else?”
“I don’t think so,” Brantley said, “thanks.”
“Merry Christmas.” The waitress placed the bill on the end of the table and walked away.
I was about to pick up where I left off about when I’d be home when I watched her open up a pack of grape jelly and scoop it out onto her eggs. “Interesting…”
“What?” She glanced up at me as she began spreading it around. “It’s good…”
“If you say so,” I said, shaking my head. “Where the hell did you come up with that?”
“My little brothers.” She took a bite and smiled as she chewed. “They dared me to do it. I was twelve with my reputation on the line.”
“And what? You liked it so much you’ve been doing it even since?”
Brantley nodded. She scooped up a chunk of jelly covered egg with her fork and held it out to me. “Try it.”
I leaned back and turned my head. “Pass...”
“You’ll like it.” She stretched further toward me, inching the fork closer to my mouth.
I laughed and held my hand up. “Stop…”
“C’mon...” She giggled as she wrapped her fingers around my wrist and tugged it out of the way.
“Stop…” I couldn’t quit laughing even though it wasn’t the slightest bit funny. “I’d rather chow a sea creature’s eye.”
“You’re being a wuss.” People were gawking at us as she continued laughing loudly while taunting me with her jelly-covered eggs. “Everyone here is seeing what a wimp you are.”
“I’m not worried about my rep…” She got even closer with the fork, forcing me to grab her wrist to keep it away.
“Brantley…”
She smirked across the table at me. “Yes, Myles?”
My name coming from her lips was too much for me. I couldn’t pretend everything was alright anymore. “What you told me about your mom had nothing to do with the reason I left.”
The sparkle in her eyes faded. I instantly wished I would’ve just kept my mouth shut and eaten the damn eggs.
“I know,” she said, pulling her arm away and placing her fork on the edge of her plate. “I didn’t think you planned a trip to Japan overnight just to get away from me.”
“I didn’t leave without telling you because I was freaked about it either.” I watched for a reaction but her expression never changed. “I waited too long and ran out of time. You left with Livvy to go to your aunt’s party—there was nothing I could do.”
She picked her fork up and started eating. “I’m over it—no hard feelings.”
A flash of anger ripped through me—no way was she blowing it off like that. “We both know it’s not that fucking simple,” I said, stopping just short of pounding my fist on the table. “We were together and—”
“I’m not upset you bailed on me after we hooked-up if that’s what you’re worried about.”
Hooked-up? I couldn’t believe she’s just used that bullshit way of describing what happened between us. She wasn’t making any goddamn sense. It was like she wasn’t hearing anything I was saying. “You lied to me that night.”
I expected her to pretend she didn’t know what I was talking about. She didn’t. She finished chewing and then took a sip of her coffee before looking me directly in the eye.
“I didn’t lie,” she said. “By the time you brought it up my response was the truth.”
“Bull—” I looked around and lowered my voice. “That’s bullshit! You should’ve told me it was your first time.”
“If I’d told you before we ever started,” she said, “would you have done it?”
I thought about it as I studied her face. The lack of emotion was frustrating as hell. “No...” I wouldn’t have touched her until she knew I was leaving.