A Song For Nero

by Tom Holt

  'You have no idea,' said Lucius Domitius, sidestepping just in time to avoid treading in an ox-pat, 'how great it feels being back here. All the time I've been away, trying not to think about it, I was kidding myself— it's not so hot really, all big cities are pretty much the same, that sort of bullshit — and now I'm here again, it's like getting my eyesight back after being blind for ten years. It's amazing, really it is. I feel like I'm me again.'

  A few yards behind us, a tile slid off a rooftop and glooped into the muck, spraying our backs with stuff I really didn't want to know about. If I had to live in Rome long-term, first thing I'd do if I had the money would be go out and buy myself a nice, well-padded army-issue helmet, to guard what little brains I've got against all the bits that fall off buildings.

  'Wonderful,' I snarled. 'So long as you're happy, that's all that matters, really'

  I was wasting my breath, of course. One thing I've learned over the years, it's no bloody good trying to talk sense into a bloke when he's in love; and Lucius Domitius was head over heels in love with the Niffy City , you could tell from the way he was drooping along with his mouth open. Absolutely crazy, of course, but that's love for you. Personally I've always reckoned it's a really bad idea, but I know most people don't agree with me there.

  'When you've quite finished drooling,' I went on, 'maybe you could give some thought to what we're going to do about getting something to eat, silly little things like that. I know I'm just an old fusspot, but the fact that we haven't got any money whatsoever, and—'

  I didn't finish the sentence. Lucius Domitius didn't notice, of course, because he hadn't been listening to a word I'd said, not since we walked in through the city gate, so there wasn't any point in trying to get him interested in what I reckoned I'd just seen.

  Besides, I wasn't at all sure I'd seen it. Just a glimpse through a dense tangle of arms and heads and shoulders; I could easily have been wrong. I decided to keep my face shut and make sure before I started shooting my mouth off.

  If there's one thing worse than being wrong, it's being right; because a while later, just when I'd more or less convinced myself that I'd been seeing things and there was nobody there, I caught sight of him again, and this time there wasn't any doubt at all about it. I'm good at faces, and this was definitely the same man.

  'Here,' I said, grabbing Lucius Domitius by the shoulder and shaking him. He stopped, like he'd been woken up while sleepwalking, and stared down at me.

  'What?' he said.

  'Bad news,' I said. 'There's a bloke following us.'

  He scowled at me. 'Bullshit,' he said. 'It's a crowd. You've probably just seen someone who's headed in the same direction as us, that's all.'

  'Not that simple,' I said. 'You see, I know him from somewhere.'

  'Well, that's possible. I mean, you did live here for a few years. Probably he's just some shopkeeper you used to buy things from.'

  'Oh no,' I said. 'I know exactly where I've seen him before.' And I told Lucius Domitius about when I arrived in Ostia off the grain barge, and the kind gentleman who'd given me the denarius.

  'Him?' Lucius Domitius frowned. 'You think that's him you just saw?'

  'I don't think it's him, I know I don't ever forget faces, you know that. Basic survival instinct in our line of work.'

  Lucius Domitius looked unconvinced. 'All right,' he said, 'let's say for argument's sake it is the same guy Now, which explanation is more reasonable: that he's followed your trail all the way out to the Gnatho ranch and then back here again, or that it's just a coincidence you seeing him again, and he's no bother to us at all? If you were making a book on it, what odds would you be giving?'

  'I don't believe in coincidences,' I told him. 'It's a religious thing. Tell you what, why don't we duck down an alley and see if we can shake the bastard off? I mean, if you're right and he is just some bloke who happens to be going the same way as us, it won't have done us any harm. And if he really is following us—'

  'Bloody hell!' Lucius Domitius stopped dead in his tracks, like he'd just seen a ghost, or his wife and his best friend making out in a doorway 'Galen, what in hell's name is that?'

  He was pointing at something, but I was buggered if I could see what it was. I did look, but all I saw was a load of old buildings.

  'What's up?' I asked.

  'There.' He was pointing with his arm stretched taut, and shouting so loud that people were looking round. 'It's gone, and there's that thing there instead.'

  I sighed. 'All right,' I said, 'explain. What's such a big deal? And for pity's sake keep your voice down and stop waving your arms about.'

  'The palace,' he said, and he was genuinely upset, nearly in tears. 'The palace.

  My palace, my Golden House. It's gone.'

  'Balls,' I said. 'Something that size, it'd take twenty years just to cart the stone away 'Are you blind? Look for yourself.'

  Truth is, I hadn't even noticed we were in that part of town. But I looked round, got my bearings — the Grand Circus away to the southwest, Claudius' temple over on our left, the Esquiline Hill in the distance on our right, the Caelian Hill behind us, which meant that the Golden House should indeed be straight ahead, right under our noses. But it wasn't. Instead, there was a huge round thing, like a stack of cheeses.

  'You're right,' I said, 'it's gone. And that hat-box thing's since our time, as well.'

  Then someone coughed behind us, and we both spun round like we'd been jabbed in the bum with a branding iron. And there he was. Short, round bloke with a bald head and a scrubby white beard. Face like a full moon, with a little piggy snout for a nose. My benefactor from Ostia .

  'Excuse me, gentlemen,' he said, 'but I couldn't help overhearing. Am I right in thinking you're new in town?'

  I was staring at him like he was the gorgon or something. Of course, Lucius Domitius hadn't seen him before, didn't know there was anything wrong. He nodded and said, 'Yes. Well, not new exactly, but we've been away 'I see. A long time, by the sound of it.'

  'Twelve years,' Lucius Domitius said quickly 'What happened to the Golden House?'

  The round bloke smiled. 'Pulled down,' he said. 'One of the first things Vespasian did, because it was so unpopular. It reminded people of Nero, you see.

  'Oh.' Lucius Domitius looked like his best friend had just died. 'Good job, too,' he said. 'Terrible waste of money, typical of that bastard Nero.' He shook his head, but I don't think he was fooling anybody 'So, um, what's that round building?'

  'That?' The round bloke was grinning. 'You are out of touch, aren't you? That's Vespasian's great gift to the people of Rome ,' he went on. 'I'm amazed you haven't heard of it. It's the greatest sports arena in the world. The Colosseum, surely you've heard of it.'

  'Oh, that,' I said, pulling myself together with a snap they must've heard in Naples . 'Of course, how stupid of me, I remember now. We heard all about it at the time. Nobody talked about anything else, not even in Bactria .'

  ' Bactria ?' The round man raised an eyebrow 'Good heavens,' he said, 'what on earth were you doing out there?'

  'Oh, trading, that sort of thing,' I said. 'Wonderful place, but very hot. So, that's the Coliseum, is it? I've often wondered what it looks like.'

  'Colosseum,' the round bloke corrected me, with a grin I didn't like. 'Yes, it's a sight to see, isn't it? And just beyond it's where Titus is going to build the new bathhouse, which also promises to be a sight to see, or so they reckon. It's remarkable how they've managed to transform this whole quarter in so short a time.'

  'Fantastic,' I muttered. 'Sort of like healing the wounds, really Symbolic.'

  'Quite,' the round bloke said. 'Well now, since you're strangers in Rome , perhaps you'd like to see round the new developments? It so happens I'm at a loose end for an hour or so, it'd give me great pleasure to—'

  'No,' I yelped. 'Thanks,' I added, 'but actually we're in a bit of a hurry.

  Business meeting,' I went on, 'in the forum, and we're late already Very kind of you t
o offer, but we'd better be getting along.'

  'Of course.' The round bloke nodded gravely, but he was looking at our boots, and you didn't need to be a mind-reader to tell what he was thinking. 'Well, if you're headed for the forum I'll walk with you, I'm headed in that general direction. And I can point out some of the other changes since your day as we go.

  I was stuffed. The only way I could think of getting rid of him was to kill him, and it was a bit public for doing that, even in Rome . Just as well Lucius Domitius was a bit clearer-headed than me — well, of course, he could afford to be, he hadn't seen this bloke before. 'We'd really like that,' he said, 'but first we've got to stop off at our bankers', and that'll take a while. We've only just got back, you see, and there's heaps to do. New clothes and boots, for one thing. We must look like a dreadful pair of scruffs in our old travelling things.'

  The round bloke laughed. 'Of course,' he said. 'I won't hold you up any longer, then. It was a pleasure meeting you.

  'Likewise,' Lucius Domitius barked over his shoulder, as I hustled him off into an alley As soon as we were out of sight in the shadows, I dragged him into a run and we didn't stop until we'd put four or five turnings behind us.

  'What the hell's got into you?' Lucius Domitius said, as soon as he'd caught his breath. 'What did you want to go haring off like that for?'

  I was leaning forward, hands on knees. 'That man,' I said.

  'What about him?'

  ' Ostia .' It's hard to talk when it feels like someone's got your lungs in a screw-clamp. 'You remember, I told you. I was sitting against a wall feeling sorry for myself, and some perfect stranger wanders up and gives me a denarius.'

  Lucius Domitius nodded. 'So?'

  'That was him.'

  'What?' He stared at me. 'Are you sure?'

  'Absolutely bloody positive.'

  'But. . .' He stood there for a few moments opening and closing his mouth, as if he was trying to talk but all the words had been repossessed by the bailiff's men. 'You're kidding,' he said.

  'Yeah, sure. I made the whole thing up. Fuck you, Lucius Domitius. I swear to you, that's the same man. Scraggy beard, little round pot belly and a face like a rabbit.'

  'Must be a coincidence,' he said, and it was so obvious from the way he said it that he didn't believe that either, so I didn't bother correcting him. 'So,' he went on, 'who do you think he is?'

  'No idea. But I have this lurking suspicion he's probably not our friend.'

  'But it's crazy' He rubbed his chin so hard I'm surprised he didn't draw blood.

  'Didn't seem to me like he'd recognised you. I mean, if it was the same man and he'd been tracking us down, surely he'd have known, since he's crossed your path already, that if he walked up to us like he just did you'd be bound to recognise him.'

  'Obviously he didn't care,' I said. 'I reckon he's doing it on purpose, so we'll know he's on to us. Just to torture us, scare us out of our wits before he closes in for the kill.'

  Lucius Domitius frowned. 'You say that,' he said. 'But when all's said and done, he was only a little fat guy, we could take him out with our hands tied behind our backs.'

  'Oh sure,' I said, 'unless of course next time he shows up he's got two platoons of city guards trotting along at his heels.'

  'He's got to find us again first.'

  'Well, he didn't make too bad a job of it this time.'

  Lucius Domitius sat down against the wall. 'I reckon it's got to have been a coincidence,' he said. 'Either that or, if he really is trailing us, he's got the most amazing luck. I mean, how on earth could he have found us? We haven't been staying at any inns, or anything like that.'

  I shook my head. 'What about the Sicilian who showed up at Gnatho's estate? Or was that a coincidence too?'

  'Yes, but .. .' He frowned. 'All right,' he said, 'even if someone did manage to track us as far as there, how'd he get the message to his buddy here in the city to look for us exactly here? It doesn't add up.

  'It does,' I replied. 'Think about it. First he sees me in Ostia —'

  'Sees you,' he pointed out. 'Sorry if this sounds rude, but who the hell would bother tracking you all the way from Sicily to Rome ?'

  'First,' I repeated, 'he finds me in Ostia . My guess is, he's working for the Sicilian, the nutcase who killed all the soldiers — he's chasing us, he figures out that we must've been on board that particular grain freighter, so he sends his mate there ahead on a faster ship to catch us when we reach Italy, right?

  But you've jumped ship, remember? So Rabbit-face is waiting for the grain boat at Ostia , he doesn't see you but he sees me— 'And gives you a denarius. We could do with more mortal enemies like that.'

  I ignored him. 'He sees me,' I said, 'but not you — I'm assuming you're the one they're after, him and the Sicilian — so he goes off to find out what's happened to you, probably goes and asks the grain freighter captain, who tells him you've jumped ship. By this time, the Sicilian's arrived in Italy —'

  'All right,' he interrupted. 'So why did he send Rabbit-face by the first ship, and then wait for a later ship himself?'

  'Be quiet, will you, I can't think if you're nattering away The Sicilian arrives, finds out from Rabbit-face that you skipped before the ship got in; they split up and go round the countryside checking up on places where we could've found work, and that's when we saw the Sicilian at Gnatho's. Then we give the game away by bolting without even collecting our pay — I told you that was a bad idea, but you wouldn't listen — so the Sicilian figures we must be heading for Rome . He sends a rider ahead to tell Rabbit-face to look out for us—'

  'And Rabbit-face just happens to bump into us in the street. In a city of a million people. Sure, right.'

  'No, you're missing the point,' I said. 'It's you they're looking for, right?

  They know who you are. So, of course, they'll know that the first thing you'll want to do is go and take a look at your old house, the palace, like bloody Ulysses in the fairy stories. All Rabbit-face has got to do is hang around near the site of the Golden House, and he's got us. It all makes sense.'

  He thought about that for a while. 'If you're right — I'm not saying I agree with you, but if you're right, we're in the shit again. But the Sicilian, that's what I don't understand. If the Sicilian's after me, why did he turn me loose on the way to the quarries? Why not just go to the magistrate and say, You know who you've got there, mate? Only the most evil man in history. But all that crazy business about killing the guards, and then letting us go, for crying out loud.

  He even gave us money I shrugged. 'Maybe he didn't realise who you were till afterwards, I don't know.

  Maybe he didn't want anybody else to know he'd found you; maybe he wants to kill you himself, in some horribly imaginative way, and an ordinary public crucifixion simply wouldn't cut it. Or maybe he doesn't want to kill you, maybe he thinks you've got some secret information he can get out of you— 'Bloody hell.' Lucius Domitius had that startled-weasel look on his face that I'd come to recognise as Inspiration. 'Dido's treasure.' I looked at him. Fine time for him to start gibbering, I thought.

  'You what?'

  'Dido's treasure.' He'd gone as white as ewe's milk cheese. 'Oh come on, you must've heard us talking about it, in the old days.'

  'No, I think I'd have remembered something with the word treasure in it. What are you talking about?'

  He shook his head. 'Amazing,' he said. 'What the hell did you do all day, back in the palace?'

  'Dido's treasure,' I said. 'Explain.'

  He grinned. 'The legendary fortune of Dido of Carthage,' he said. 'You do know who Dido was, don't you?'

  'Of course I do,' I lied. 'But what's he got to do with anything?'

  'She,' Lucius Domitius said, with a really irritating smirk. 'She was the queen of Carthage , who fell in love with Aeneas. The founder of Rome , in case you haven't—'

  'Get on with it.'

  'Queen Dido,' he said, 'had a huge fortune in gold and silver and precious stones, and the o
ld stories say it was hidden somewhere and forgotten about, and never recovered. Well,' he went on, 'I found it.'

  I did a double-take. 'You found it?'

  'Well, as good as. There was a chap called Viniculeius — equestrian order, nouveau riche, made his money speculating in grain futures — and he'd seen it, in a deep cave on a headland on the African coast, near Utica . But it was so amazingly huge he hadn't been able to take away more than he could carry, so he had to leave it there, and the very next day, as luck would have it, he got arrested on a poisoning charge; he'd killed his three brothers and their sons so as to get sole control of the family firm, really nasty business. Anyhow, at his trial he sent word that he needed to see me desperately urgently, so I had him fetched in, and he told me the whole story. Said that if I let him off the murders, he'd show me where the treasure was.

  'And you believed him? Come on, you're not that dumb.'

  'Sure I believed him,' Lucius Domitius replied, 'because in his baggage when they caught him was this amazing collection of ancient Phoenician gold plate — cups and wine jugs and dishes and God only knows what else. I had some people who know about these things take a look at them, and they all said, definitely Phoenician, and very old indeed.'