Sex, Desires & Rock N Roll

by Michelle Lee

  “I knew it was you. I told her, that’s Dash Ford of Redemption sitting over there. When you turned around and looked at us, I about died. Could we have your autograph, and maybe we could give you our number so we could maybe meet up later for some real fun.” Blondie turns her glare on me while the brunette hands Dash a cocktail napkin and pen.

  “Sure, you can have the autograph, but as for the other, sorry, I’m spending all my spare time with the beautiful lady sitting across from me until I have to go on tour.” Dash quickly signs his name to the napkin. The brunette is beaming, while blondie looks like her head is about to explode.

  “Your loss, but in just in case you change your mind…” She quickly pulls out a business card from her cleavage and tosses down on the table. “Come on, Nicole.” Blondie pushes past the brunette—Nicole.

  “Thanks, Dash.” She smiles and follows after her friend.

  I stare at him. Dash’s gaze is on the two fans’ retreating forms. I can’t believe that just happened right in front of me. What—did you expect him to go for someone like you? Don’t be stupid, Julia, that blond is more his type, not you. I look at the offending business card just lying there on the table. I go to reach for it, but before I can, Dash grabs it and crumbles it up.

  “Dash… if you want…”

  His eyes immediately find mine, and for the first time I see a semblance of anger in them. Of course he’s angry. I just probably ruined his chance at having a threesome, being here with him. What was I thinking coming out with him tonight? I know better. This is not going to work, whatever I thought was happening between us. We’re too different. Alex warned me. Roland warned me. I’m too broken for him, for his world.

  “Stop.”

  I look at Dash with questioning eyes because the lump that has formed in my throat is preventing me from uttering a single word. Dash looks around the crowded restaurant and then stands. He comes to my side, offering his hand. I look at it and then up at him. I don’t understand what he’s doing. He gestures to his hand, imploring me to take it. I slip my shaky hand in his, and then Dash leads us away from our table. I have no idea where we’re going. We haven’t finished our meal yet. Dash weaves around several tables before I see our destination—the restrooms. The restrooms are down a dimly lit corridor, giving the illusion of privacy. The sounds of the restaurant seem to fade into the background as we make our way farther down the corridor. Dash stops, turns, and slowly pushes me up against the wall, his hands sliding up my neck to hold my face.

  “Da—” I don’t get a chance to finish saying his name because his mouth has consumed the word. His lips caress and devour mine at the same time. Heat begins to build in my core as Dash steps between my legs. I feel his hard length against my thigh. His tongue parts my lips and delves inside. I relish the feel of his tongue and kiss him back with all I have. I grind against his thigh just where I need and want the friction to ease the throbbing between my thighs. His lips leave my mouth, trailing along my cheek to my ear. His pants in my hair, his warm breath sending shivers all over.

  “Don’t ever, and I mean ever, think I want anyone but you. Just don’t.”

  I give a small nod as his lips continue to assault my neck. “I mean it, Sunshine, don’t.” His voice vibrates against my neck, causing even more shivers to course through me. His mouth finds mine again, his lips move with such determination to make me believe his words. And I begin to. I really do. His lips mold to mine a little longer, and slowly he starts to pull away. Our breathing is labored and fills the quiet space between us. Dash’s forehead rests against mine as I try to not only get my breathing under control but the throbbing deep inside. His fingers caress my cheek. “Never doubt that I’m starting to feel something for you. And it goes beyond the physical, just so we’re clear.” Dash’s lips ghost against mine, and then he fully steps away from me. I stare at him, not knowing what to say. I don’t know where to begin. He laces his fingers in mine and leads me back to our table.

  Bridgette brings our final course—dessert. She places the plate in the middle of the table. I stare down at the sweet concoction. My mouth waters as it has all night with each course prepared by Chef Becc. The trio of crème brûlée looks too pretty to touch with a fork. Dash has his fork poised in his hand, not sure which to eat first—the rich, dark chocolate, the Meyer lemon, or the vanilla bean. He gives me a devilish grin before his fork dives into the dark chocolate, my fork following right behind. As we devour the dessert, I get the strange feeling I’m being watched. The hairs on the back of my neck prickle in response. Dash is preoccupied with another forkful, and I take the moment to glance around the restaurant. No one is looking at us. The nearby patrons are engrossed in conversation or eating. I glance behind me, but there’s nothing. The feeling is still rooted inside when I turn back around. I’m being silly. I’m sure someone is watching. I’m with Dash Ford. People are going to watch.

  Dash’s fork clanks against the ceramic of the dish, pulling my focus back to him. “I am going to have to give Roland a raise for getting me this table tonight. This has been the best meal I’ve had in a really long time. And it was made even better because I got to share it with you.” The honesty of his words squeeze my heart.

  “Awwww, so being you isn’t really a perk, but being Roland is?” I tease. His forkful of the Meyer lemon brûlée stalls before his mouth.

  His lips quirk in a teasing smile. “Ohhh, you’re gonna pay for that comment, Sunshine.”

  After we almost lick the bottom of each ramekin, Bridgette returns to our table. “Is there anything else I can get for you this evening?”

  “Just the check.”

  “Oh, Mr. Ford, it was Chef Becc’s pleasure to have you and your guest here tonight. There is no check.” And with that, she turns and leaves.

  “Hmmmm, another perk.” I tease while Dash smiles at me, shaking his head.

  With his fingers laced with mine, Dash navigates our way through the restaurant. Russell is approaching us with quickened steps. I notice his usual stoic expression is somewhat alarmed. An uneasy feeling starts to chip away at the euphoria of this wonderful evening.

  “Dash, we have a slight problem.” Russell’s voice holds none of the apprehension or alarm his face had held. When I look at him now, he’s all business, the alarm replaced with determination.

  Dash squeezes my hand, then releases it. His head turns, and his lips meet my temple, gently kissing me. The act, while tender and meant to reassure, does little to quiet my nerves. Dash and Russell have a little pow-wow a few feet away from where I am left standing in the bar. The man with the ear piece from earlier has joined them. The noise of the restaurant prevents me from hearing what they’re saying, but from their body language and facial expressions, I can tell Dash is upset, ear piece guy is apologetic and Russell, well, Russell is Russell. I can’t figure him out. I guess that’s what makes him so good at his job. Dash stands with one hand on his hip while the other runs through his hair, leaving it an even more sexy mess.

  Their conversation comes to an end. Dash is the first to walk away while Russell and ear piece guy go off together. As he approaches, I can see an intensity in his eyes, but it’s so different than anything his eyes have shown me in the past. Dash is pissed. Anger ripples off him in small waves. My heart begins to beat a little faster. Nervousness starts to give way to panic with each step he takes. This can’t be good, and it scares me. It must be written all over my face because in a flash, Dash’s demeanor completely changes, and that crooked smile that makes me melt makes an appearance. His eyes have lessened in intensity, but I can still feel and see the trepidation lying just beneath the surface. I’ve learned to really read people. At one time, it was a matter of doing so just to survive.

  Dash hesitates for a moment when he reaches me. It’s almost as if he’s contemplating what to say—choosing his words carefully. Before he can say anything, I voice my concern—my need, actually. “Dash, just be honest with me, okay?” Honesty is something I
want—no need—from him, from everyone. I’ve been lied to so much in the past.

  His lips form a thin line. His eyes briefly close, and he exhales a deep breath. “Honesty. I can do that. Apparently, there’s a bunch of paps out front. Someone must have tipped them off that I was here.” He seems to hesitate again. I urge him to continue. “Usually we would just go out a different way, like out the back, but that isn’t an option.”

  “Okay…”

  “So it means we have to go out the front, right through them. Russell had the car pull up front, and he’ll be with us. It’s only about twenty feet from door to door. He’ll protect us. I’ll protect you. I won’t let anything happen to you. Not now. Not ever.”

  Dash tucks me into his side, his arms wrapped firmly around me. Russell has ear piece guy open the door and exits, Dash and I merely inches behind him. Before I know what’s going on, people begin shouting and flash bulbs are going off, blinding me. I turn into Dash, trying to hide from the chaos that’s erupted all around us.

  Random voices yell out into the night air. “Dash, are you and Nadia getting back together?” “Dash, who is this with you?” “Are you Dash’s new girlfriend?” The questions start to swirl together, my head feeling dizzy. Flash after flash goes off, blurring my vision even further as I attempt to keep up with Dash’s pace. The twenty feet he mentioned earlier seems like 2000 feet with each miniscule step we take.

  Flash.

  Flash.

  Flash.

  Flash.

  I have a death grip on Dash’s jacket.

  Flash.

  Flash.

  Flash.

  Flash.

  “Ms. Bennett, if you could just turn around and drop the gown from your shoulders please and tilt your chin upward.” The officer asks as the nurse assists me.

  Flash.

  Flash.

  Flash.

  Flash.

  “I know this is difficult, we just need a few more.”

  I nod as a tear falls down my cheek.

  “Nurse, could you lower the gown some more please?”

  Flash.

  Flash.

  Flash.

  “Ms. Bennett, if you could put out your right leg out for me, lifting the gown slightly, please?”

  I do as instructed.

  Flash.

  Flash.

  Flash.

  “Now the other leg.”

  Flash.

  Flash.

  Flash.

  My heart pounds in my chest and then ceases. It feels as though it and my lungs are in a vice. I try to breathe, but my lungs can’t get any air. Panic begins to settle in, and with all I have, I fight against it. I don’t need to have this happen now.

  Flash.

  Flash.

  More shouting. More questions.

  Dash pulls me tighter against him, and then I see the sanctuary of the SUV a few feet away—Russell is holding back the paps while opening the door. Dash rushes me inside, following right behind me. The door slams shut and Russell gets in the front seat. My heart starts to slam against my chest, sending a jolt through me. It hurts to breathe, but I do my best to get air into my lungs as I fight against the panic bubbling inside me.

  Flash.

  Flash.

  Flash.

  “Okay, Ms. Bennett, we’re all done. Thank you. I know that was difficult, but it was necessary.” The officer gives a nod to the nurse and then leaves.

  “Okay, Julia…”

  “Jules.”

  “Okay, Jules, let’s get you back in bed.” The nurse guides me, my movements robotic. I climb into bed, wincing. “I’ll get you some more pain medication. You’re due.”

  “No! No, thank you. I’m fine.” I hate the way the drugs make me feel like I have no control. I need to have control over something.

  “I’ll let you get some rest, then. If you change your mind, just buzz for me, okay?”

  I nod. The nurse leaves the room with a quiet click of the door. I lie down, trying not to wince in pain as I do, but it’s useless. The tears come fast and furious, and I let them consume me. I fall apart in the hospital room… alone… alone… alone…

  “Hey, Jules, baby, are you okay?” Dash’s voice startles me. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’ll make sure that never happens again.”

  I say nothing. My body shivers against him.

  “Sunshine, what’s wrong?” Dash pulls me closer to him, grip tightening but not hurting.

  “N… nothing… just… just hold me… please…”

  Silence envelopes us as Dash pulls me into his lap. I hug him to me, inhaling deeply. Ocean and him swirl in me, calming me. His hand soothes my back in an intricate, repeated pattern. He kisses the top of my head, humming a tune I know I’ve heard him hum before. It calms me further. I take a deep breath and let it out. I repeat the process, expanding my lungs each time. My heart settles to a steady rhythm. My lips find his neck, kissing him. I settle back against his chest. The panic lashes out, its tendrils trying to pull me into the darkness. I squeeze my eyes shut and try with everything I have to fight against it. It bubbles just below the surface, waiting for a crack in my armor to break through.

  THE CAR PULLS up in front of my apartment building, and my heart clenches in my chest. I don’t want this night to end just yet, but I know it has to. Russell opens my door, and I step out on unsteady legs. I try to calm myself, and if Dash notices, I’ll just blame it on the wine I drank at dinner. I don’t want him to know it’s because of… what? Our night ending? The way he makes me feel? That the uneasy feeling I felt from earlier tonight is still lingering? The thought that I’m falling too far, too fast? The idea that when he finds out how truly broken I am he won’t look back? I shake such thoughts from my head as best I can and put on my best smile when I notice Dash at my side. “Russell, I’ll be right back. I just want to get Jules safely inside.”

  Russell nods, taking his position against the closed door of the SUV, his muscled arms folded across his chest. Dash’s hand finds that place on my lower back and guides me inside. We take the couple of flights of stairs to my floor. I easily find my keys within my small clutch, my hand shaking as I attempt to unlock the door. Dash’s hand reaches around me and takes the keys from my hand and easily unlocks the door. I look at him over my shoulder, giving him a small smile as I make my way inside. The glow from the light above the stove offers some light in the otherwise dark space. I hear the tick tock of the clock on the wall in the living room, and my heart pounds in my chest. The door clicks closed behind me, and I can’t help thinking he left—left without saying goodbye. My little freak-out—another freak-out—was just too much for him. I guess it’s better to know now than later. He still doesn’t know or understand the cause of it, but he doesn’t need to get it to know I’m a little off. Pathetic and damaged is what you are, Julia. No man is ever going to want you besides me. Hurt and loss swirl inside me, pushing against every fiber of my being, threatening to spill over and completely consume me. My breathing hitches as I attempt to take in a steady breath. It’s too late to hold back. I feel the moisture in my eyes tumble down my cheeks. My entire body quivers. My clutch slips from my fingers and hits the floor with a loud thud. I wrap my arms around my middle, trying desperately to hold everything in. I sniffle once, twice, before the deluge breaks free. I want to scream. I want to beat the shit out of something, out of him. He did this to me. I allowed him. I haven’t healed. I haven’t broken free, even though I left. I’m not free. God! When will I be fucking free of this! All of this!

  Before I can completely lose it and fall to the floor, strong arms envelop me. Dash. His warmth, his scent invades and wraps around me, once again offering something I so desperately need. I fall apart in his arms. The emotional storm inside breaks free, and I scream out into the silence of the room. The tears flow relentlessly down my cheeks as I crumble in his arms. He holds me tight against his chest, easing us down to the floor. I hate that he did this to me. I
hate that I’m falling apart. I hate that I’m not strong enough. I hate that Dash has to witness this. I hate! The pain inside slowly morphs into rage. I want to lash out. I want to break something. I want something to take away all of this deep-rooted pain. I scream again. Dash’s hold on me tightens, pulling me into his lap, cradling me as if I were an infant. I grip his shirt, my knuckles turning white. I cry against his chest, his heart beating rapidly against my skin. His shushes against the top of my head, trying to comfort me. I didn’t want him to see me like this after that first night we met. He hasn’t. I’ve kept everything in check. But tonight… tonight, with the uneasy feeling I got in the restaurant, the few fans approaching the table for autographs, and the flashes of the paparazzi cameras when we left, brought back so much. I tried my damnedest to let it fade into the background, but it was too much. Then the silent ride to my apartment and thinking Dash had left… All of it weighed down on me, consumed me, and brought with it an emotional reckoning.

  “Let it all go, Sunshine, let it all go. I’m here. I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.” His words are a whisper into my hair, but I hear them as if he yelled them from the highest mountain. “Let it go.”

  And for the first time since I was able to leave Blake, I do… I let it all out. I thought I had to be strong, to put a mask in place and lock away all the pain and hurt he caused. I didn’t want my friends to worry. I didn’t want Hank and his wife to worry. I needed to lock it all away the best I could for self-preservation. I was good at hiding all that was inside. Sure, at times the blackness consumed me and held me prisoner for moments at a time, but I always fought back and held it at bay the best I could. But lately, for whatever reason, things have been just below the surface. The vault has been breached. I succumb and do as Dash says. I let it out for the girl I was before. I let it out for the girl I was with him. I let it out for the girl I am now. I let it all out. I don’t know how long we stay on the floor or how long he just lets me cry against his chest; time has ceased to exist. My sobs turn to hiccups as the emotional tirade diminishes. Dash still holds me tight against him in his lap, whispering words of comfort in between humming a familiar tune. His hands rub with tenderness along my back. After a few shuddering breaths, the storm clears. My head is pounding, my heart is pounding. I feel like I just got back from a battlefield. I guess in a sense I have.